einahpets Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 i have been having an issue with a friend and i need some advice on the situation. her is the story: my boyfriend and i live together. he still likes to go out to the bars with his friends and he always wants me to go. i am past all the late nights, drugs and alcohol (that was how i was when we met). i now would much rather stay home, garden, watch a movie, go to the beach etc. i am happy with that. i had a falling out with our entire group of friends (they cared more about getting drunk than about me), they were very bad friends and i don't need those types of people in my life. so my boyfriend has been telling me that i should make new friends and go out more (i don't think i need to, i have needed some time to myself for years now...i'm enjoying it). so a friend i had in college emailed me a couple months ago. he had been away for a year, and he wanted to hang out. so we hung out about a month after he emailed me. we went out for drinks and dinner. well my boyfriend was pretty jealous about the whole thing. his excuse is he doesn't know this guy, but he is cool with it now. he wondered why the guy wanted to hang out with me so much. he has basically made me feel like the only reason why a guy would want to hang out with me would be to have sex with me...even though he knows that most of my friends have been guys. so i hung out with the guy again about a month later. now i am wary, looking for signals that he just wants to hook up. i have told him a lot about my boyfriend, that we will be getting married etc. but he told me that he had gone up to me in the computer lab in college because he thought i was cute. he has told me many times that i have nice eyes. when he was looking for a slide i gave he in his jacket pocket he pulled out a condom. i wasn't even looking at him and he brought it to my attension. "oh this isn't it...its a condom...they are the same size...ha, ha...etc". give me a break, the guy is in his thirties, guys in high school tried that crap on me back in the day. it was such a turn off. so now i feel really uncomfortable around the guy. he invited me to go overseas for a couple months with him, and to do all these things that most girls who are involved would do with their boyfriend. he calls way too much. he wants me to meet his mom. i had only hung out with this guy a few times before he emailed me. its not like we were really good friends. i really think that it is inappropriate, i have a boyfriend who i live with. we are basically married w/o the papers. i wouldn't want him to spend that type of time with another girl. i really only wanted to hang out with the guy once in a while, now i don't want to at all. he left a message on our machine a week and i haven't called him back yet. i really don't feel comfortable bringing this up with him, but just ignoring his calls is mean and immature. what can i do to get him to ease up? what do you think, am i imagining this? would you be jealous if your girlfriend was in this situation? any comments or advice would be appreciated!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 Play it off like "you've been such a good friend, I really want you to meet my BF so you can see why I'm crazy about him" Tell him you couldn't stand being away from your man for an over seas trip- but maybe you could work it out so you could all go together, etc, etc, etc. Basically work your man's name into every available conv. If the wording alone doesn't help place respectable distance between you, invite him out to dinner with you and your boyfriend - the sight of you happy with your man should. Plus it will help reassure your BF that you only have platonic feelings for this guy. If this doesn't work- tell him to move along- you've been this long without him you will def survive the future w/out a disrespectful stalker by your side. Link to post Share on other sites
supermom Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 Play it off like "you've been such a good friend, I really want you to meet my BF so you can see why I'm crazy about him" I had my thumb up on that one. I've used that line before and yes, it works perfectly. Once time I did this w/ my H and they ended up becomming friends and the flirting stopped. If it doesn't work, be straight up and stern with him, or better yet, have your bf do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author einahpets Posted June 16, 2004 Author Share Posted June 16, 2004 i tried that last time i saw him. i talked about my bf so much i felt like an idiot. i was telling him how excited we are to have children, and either he didn't get the point or he just didn't care. i think he thinks that if he wisks me away to some foreign country i will forget all about my bf. and i think either he enjoys my company as a friend way too much or he is coming up with all sorts of excuses to see me. he has a lot of projects he is working on and he is saying he wants to pay me for my time to help him out. some of it would require lengthy car trips out into the boonies and going to his family's camp afterward. it comes off so innocent as he says it and it makes me second guess my intuition. but it is kind of weird. i mean he has got to understand that hardly any bfs would be ok with their girl touring the eastern continents with some dude for any amount of time. he said i am his first choice of a traveling companion. we do get along very well, but i can count the amount of times i have hung out with this guy on one hand. before these past couple months, we only chatted when we saw each other in the hallway at college.......... Link to post Share on other sites
Pyrannaste Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 In your situation I'd be unconfortable seeing him even if I was not interested in him. I'd stop contact with him, at least for long enough for him to lose all romantic/sexual interest in you. I'd give an explanation like "my bf might be jealous so I don't think it's fair to keep going out with you", or possibly like "I have a bf and I'd not feel confortable keeping to hang out with you". This is because if my bf was hanging out with a girl who was flirting with him and was clearly interested in him, it would make me *very*unconfortable. Expecially the two of them alone. I'd expect him to stop contact with her or at least don't go out just with her but with a group of other people. And I'm for the "act like you'd like your partner to act" rule. Hey, but that is just me. If you still want to hang out with him, I second Fayebelle's excellent advice too. Also, whenever he does something that makes you unconfortable, tell him. Start in a half-joking way. If he does not get it, be more direct. If you currently don't wish to hang out anymore, just explain him why. Ignoring his call might not work.... and you might end up looking rude to him. Be direct. If he is a mature person, he'll not be offended. Link to post Share on other sites
Author einahpets Posted June 17, 2004 Author Share Posted June 17, 2004 ........any advice or comments from the guys? Link to post Share on other sites
dudesomewhere Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 I get a strong sleeze vibe from your ole buddy there. Condom moves...man that's just scuddy...I've never ever done that and I know guys do that to see if some "chick" is impressed. Any guy should have a right to be jealous if you hang out with some creep like that. I've actually got the sleezey guy willies. If you don't want to hang out with him at all...don't hang out with him at all. I mean, lots of girls do that to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author einahpets Posted June 17, 2004 Author Share Posted June 17, 2004 i've attracted just about every sleezeball imaginable (besides my wonderful bf), but this one is a snake in disguse. i mean he is really smart (even has a masters degree), has been a teacher etc. but i guess when your mojo's flowin' you'll do anything for the juice . i'd hate for my bf to know he was right though. if i get jealous he acts like i am some sort of psyco gf. it pissed me off that he was jealous, but at least he knew how i felt. so at least he now knows we are both crazy, not just me. I've actually got the sleezey guy willies. hmmm..........care to elaborate? Link to post Share on other sites
dudesomewhere Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 well, not much to elaborate on...just that sleezy(is it sleezy or sleezey? I wonder...I could look it up but nah) guys actually make me nauseous...I'll even go so far as to make that face you get when you're about to hurl, almost like a cat chucking up a furball. Or how about this...I just recently saw Along Came Polly, bought the DVD...love romantic comedies...more info than is needed. If you saw it, the scene where Ben Stiller's character is playing b-ball with squatch and gets a mouthfull of manboob and arm pit and a nice coating of body sweat. His behaviour during the game and reaction with that mouthful...that's I how feel when it comes to guys like your buddy, hehe. It's an aversion if you will. Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 You need to tell this guy honestly and bluntly how you feel, or he will never get the hint. You did a good job of explaining here how you feel. If you can call him and tell him in much of the same words I think you'll do quite fine. Ignoring him isn't going to get you anywhere. I recommend telling him you are not interested, and that you do not appreciate or enjoy his advances in any way. If you do not want to talk to him anymore tell him so. Be honest and put yourself and your own comfort first. Do not worry about sparing feelings or being nice in this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author einahpets Posted June 18, 2004 Author Share Posted June 18, 2004 so no one thinks i am misinterpreting the situation. i don't want to tell him to lay off if he only has platonic feelings. i mean maybe he thinks i am attractive as a person, am fun to be with but that is it. is that possible? i don't want to loose a friendship (though we are really only begining to know each other) if i am only imagining things. he is making me uncomfortable (nothing i can't handle-i have been in MUCH worse situations), but maybe the friendship can be fixed. i haven't called him back yet and last time i saw him i said i'd get ahold of him. i don't really feel like a phone call. an email is less personal but i am trying to figure out what to say in it. is there any way to address the situation w/o eluding to the fact that he may be attracted to me. i can say i want to spend more time with my bf, but that still doesn't address the fact that he calls to much-or makes inappropriate invitations (well for an attached gal anyways). i don't want to blame it on my bfs jealousy.......... Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 But you haven't been friends long which means for the majority of your friendship your "pal" has made you uncomfortable. That's not the type of friend you can't live w/out. Plus do you really think you'll ever be over that does he or doesn't he vibe? Do you want a friend that constantly makes you second guess his motives? It seems like you were happy before he came along but perhaps you were a little lonely beneath the surface. Why don't you check into gardening clubs or something in your area to find some friends who share your interests and don't make you question their true feelings? Link to post Share on other sites
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