Fear of change? (Too many changes at once?)

[Katlady]

Guys, help? This is my first post. After dating for 16 months and being engaged for the last two of them (with a wedding planned for October), my fiance has decided he needs space to re-evaluate everything, including me. He's 41 and never been married and I'm 40, divorced, no kids either way. We have had a near perfect relationship since our first date and have been incredibly in sync with each other until now. We've talked about everything that bothers couples: money, religion, babies, houses, families, etc, and are okay with all issues. This request comes from the man who had a pacing schedule for our relationship: after 3 months, meet family and become intimate, after 6 months, do this, etc. and now he's trying to say we moved too fast.

 

His boss/mentor left the state last September and he became interim boss (plus down-sizing) makes him incredibly stressed out and running a busy one man office. (To help, I have packed him many, many lunches and even cooked dinner and brought it to him at the office on nights he worked late, plus have been understanding and patient when plans changed and he found himself working really late to meet deadlines.)

 

Last November he became obsessed with finding a house for us, and scoured the weekly home magazines. We found one in December, made an offer, closed in February then rented it to the elderly owner until May 1 so he could clean his stuff out. Unfortunately, the owner left a lot of junk anyway and I cleaned out as much as I could but I know my fiance was devastated at the state the house was left in. He has buyer's remorse and is now saying he wants to sell the house, he can't get adjusted or attached to it and he wants to move back in to the apartment he had that he was comfortable in. After his first week there, he wanted me to move in right away to help him adjust quicker, now he says he doesn't want me there at all, and wants me to remove my stuff that's already there. (If it matters, I put the $ on the house, he had none, but I'm not listed on the house because I have a house already and we were going to add my name as a wedding present.) He's planning to sell the house as soon as possible, even though it's everything we dreamed about and within our price range and in a neighborhood where values are just going to increase.

 

On April 2, he officially asked me to marry him and things have been pretty hectic since. Our families accept each other fully, as do our friends. His friends, especially, think I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him. He chose our wedding date for this October.

 

Fast forward to now and his having a melt down. He says he needs space. He's says he's not sure he loves me or if he ever did. He says he thinks proposing was a mistake and he felt pressured into it. Where he was saying he likes my cats, now he says he can't live with them even declawed. I agreed to get rid of the cats but that just made him feel guilty. He says he has too much change in his life too fast and he can't handle it. I'm having trouble coping with the fact that it's our relationship (and me) that has to pay the price. I know he can't change the work pressures and he's in the house, so "us" is the only thing he can change, but that doesn't help me much.

 

He wants to slow down. I agreed to postpone/cancel the wedding. I said sell the house, no problem. Whatever it takes, baby, to help you find peace. I don't understand completely stopping talking to me.

 

Until last month when we got the keys, we both agreed wholeheartedly that we are meant to be together. Is it possible it's too much change for a man's mind to handle? I changed religions (so we could marry in the church and raise our family together) and quit my part-time job (because he didn't like my hours and thought it was dangerous) and was ready to list my house for sale on July 1 based on his promises to me and our plans.

 

We've both spoken with our priest who assures me it's wedding jitters and buyer's remorse and to give him time. I spoke with a counselor today who thinks it's more of a anxiety to change than a fear of commitment. He has a deadline next Wednesday and doesn't want to talk with me about us until then. Guys -- any suggestions? I'm already hurting so I'm opening myself up here to whatever you have to offer.

[Fayebelle]

I am so sorry- I can only imagine how you feel. Honestly, I don't know what to say except you should really have him in therapy with you. This is obviously NOT your fault and I think he should really try talking to a professional before you both turn your backs on so much time and emotion. I really hope this works out for you and feel free to send a PM if you just want someone to talk to.

[Girlie]

I don't even know this guy and his indecisiveness is giving me a headache. He likes the cats...he doesn't....he wants the house....he doesn't....he wants the relationship....he doesn't. I don't know. I'm no expert, but it sounds like commitment issues to me. Doesn't sound like he can make much of any decision about this relationship with you and feel comfortable about it. I hate to say it, but that's definitely a red flag. That doesn't mean I think you should run off and leave him, however, the man DOES have issues, and you need to keep that in mind. For the time being, it sounds like all you can do is give him the space he wants, although with his indecisiveness he'll probably change his mind about that, too. If I were you, I'd take the opportunity to make sure this is what YOU want. Really take some time and reflect and honestly as you can about the relationship. And then, when it's time to talk, maybe he'll have something figured out, too.

[Katlady]

Thanks Fayebelle (I make take you up on your PM offer, thanks!) and Girlie (it gives me both a headache and heartache!). He called me Tuesday night and I agreed to no contact from then until the end of next week (after a huge deadline he has on Wednesday and a job interview for the directorship either TH or FR).

 

This weekend is going to be the tough. We hadn't spent a weekend apart (except for two conferences) in 14 months until last weekend. I'm going to try to stay busy and not think about him all weekend. (Yeah right!) I do have a lot to do around my house though.