Author Adamgem Posted April 9, 2012 Author Share Posted April 9, 2012 I would like to thank everybody for their input. I have found it very helpful to have different ideas as I was getting exhausted listening to my own head. He has told me he wants to leave his partner. I told him I want nothing to do with that. He said he will leave her even if we do not continue. He insists he wants to be with me and look after the child. I don't believe him. I don't really trust men when it comes to relationships. I have made a big and foolish mistake. I think it is the time in my life when I must accept I am not fit to be a good mother. I can't stop crying when I think about having the abortion but it really is my own fault for getting myself into this mess. If he wants to go to the clinic with me - that is fine. I have nobody else at the moment (my close friends have both left for the Easter holidays). I will then slowly start looking for another job. Once again I would like to thank everybody for their thoughts on the matter. Link to post Share on other sites
trinity1 Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 I don't believe him. I don't really trust men when it comes to relationships. I have made a big and foolish mistake. I think it is the time in my life when I must accept I am not fit to be a good mother. Perhaps this is the one time in your life when you should take a leap of faith. Both in him and in you. Trust that it will be alright one way or the other. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 I have been seeing a man who has a woman and three kids with her... he told me they are not really together (mmm)... he must stay until he gets all his property etc back... When he met her he was already married to someone else that he has two children with. She ran around with him for three years. This man has 5 children already from 2 marriages. He was also unfaithful in both marriages. Perhaps this is the one time in your life when you should take a leap of faith. Both in him and in you. Trust that it will be alright one way or the other. Hence to trust that he will do the right thing for the first time in his life really is head in the clouds nonsense. The last thing she can do is rely on this man. Why should she be the exception to his wife, his ex-wife and his 5 children? OP - if he is coming to the clinic with you, please don't let him influence your decision on what you decide to do. This is your decision alone and will be a difficult one either way. You need to make sure it is overall the best one for you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
trinity1 Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 This man has 5 children already from 2 marriages. He was also unfaithful in both marriages. Hence to trust that he will do the right thing for the first time in his life really is head in the clouds nonsense. The last thing she can do is rely on this man. Why should she be the exception to his wife, his ex-wife and his 5 children? I think you got that wrong. I believe he supports all five of his children already. Pretty good track record when it comes to supporting your children. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 I think you got that wrong. I believe he supports all five of his children already. Pretty good track record when it comes to supporting your children. He may financially support them but how much does he emotionally support them? How much can they rely on him to be there for them when they need him? How good a role model is he for LTRs? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
trinity1 Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 He may financially support them but how much does he emotionally support them? How much can they rely on him to be there for them when they need him? How good a role model is he for LTRs? Good question. Although not really a crucial one. Many children are brought up successfully by single mothers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Adamgem Posted April 9, 2012 Author Share Posted April 9, 2012 It is weird. I have made up my mind and I haven't changed it but now he is calling me telling me that their split is final. He said they have talked this morning about how much he will give her each month and on which dates he will have the children. I do not know if he is just saying this because I ended the relationship or if it is true. I know he will not let go easily. It is not in his nature. I do worry, at my age, that I will not have time to find someone more suitable. I think I am being silly? Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 It is weird. I have made up my mind and I haven't changed it but now he is calling me telling me that their split is final. He said they have talked this morning about how much he will give her each month and on which dates he will have the children. I do not know if he is just saying this because I ended the relationship or if it is true. I know he will not let go easily. It is not in his nature. I do worry, at my age, that I will not have time to find someone more suitable. I think I am being silly? From your posts, it sounds like you know this man fairly well, know a bit about how he has dealt with his past relationships, know how reliable or unreliable his words and promises can be, know his stubbornness. People don't change easily - it often takes a real crisis and a lot of work. Some change temporarily because they want something, but to really change in a lasting way is not easy for anyone. My advice is to try not to be influenced by anything he is saying right now and, instead, trust your instincts and knowledge about him more generally. As to finding someone more suitable, 39 is not very old. This man has a record of having children with women, cheating, leaving them and I don't see anything in your posts that would indicate he has substantially changed. I think you deserve someone who is capable of sustaining a lasting, loving R if that is what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
trinity1 Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 As to finding someone more suitable, 39 is not very old. "At age 30 75% will have a conception ending in a live birth within one year 91% will have a conception ending in a live birth within four years. At age 35 66% will have a conception ending in a live birth within one year 84% will have a conception ending in a live birth within four years. At age 40 44% will have a conception ending in a live birth within one year 64% will have a conception ending in a live birth within four years" (From Wikipedia, "Fertility") Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 OP Whatever you decided to do make the decision based on your life and your ability to care for this child not expecting any help from him. You will be his 3rd baby's mother bringing his 6th child into the world. Unless he is very well off, he is not going to be able to help you support this child in any substantial way. I think from your posts you know this. You also can't make such a decision thinking well maybe some person who is not currently being a source of support in my life might appear if I have a child and be there to help when I need it. Yes, children are successfully raised by single mothers all the time (I was) but don't make a decision thinking anything other than you will be on your own. It seems from your posts that you can't adequately take care of yourself right now. Are you working a plan right now to fix this? And really, this doesn't have to be your last chance to have a child. It can get more challenging as you get older, but healthy women, can and do have children into their 40's. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 "At age 30 75% will have a conception ending in a live birth within one year 91% will have a conception ending in a live birth within four years. At age 35 66% will have a conception ending in a live birth within one year 84% will have a conception ending in a live birth within four years. At age 40 44% will have a conception ending in a live birth within one year 64% will have a conception ending in a live birth within four years" (From Wikipedia, "Fertility") I was responding to Adamgem's statement about finding someone suitable: I do worry, at my age, that I will not have time to find someone more suitable. If she finds someone who is really there for her and makes her happy and can commit to being a life partner, there are many possibilities: no children, pregnancy, step-parenting, adoption,... and many of these options are open no matter what she chooses to do with this pregnancy. On the pregnancy issue, this issue comes up quite a bit here, and I try to not give opinions on terminating, adoption, keeping as I think so many factors come in and it is a very personal decision with life-long consequences in some cases/decisions. I never feel we have all the information needed to really advise on this, so I always recommend talking to a professional. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Adamgem Posted April 9, 2012 Author Share Posted April 9, 2012 He is very comfortable and does not need to work. He insisted that no matter what the child would always be looked after financially. I just think it is very easy for someone like him to say this. What proof do I have? None. I also do not think it is likely that after the abortion, seperation and taking a bit of time for myself that I am going to suddenly meet the right person - have enough time to get to know them and then still be fertile. He thinks that really I do not want the child - he thinks if I really wanted it - I would be having it. My mother always said having children ruins your life. Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 Perhaps this is the one time in your life when you should take a leap of faith. Both in him and in you. Trust that it will be alright one way or the other. Okay so when he ditches her in 5-10 years to go be with the next best thing, you will jump on the first plane over there to help her out right? This woman is 39 years old, has said that she doesn't have family, job stability and has even implied that she might not even have a roof over head without the MM, and you are telling her to bank her life on what a cheating man may be able to do for her. Arrrghhhh...it makes me crazy to hear middle aged woman talking romantic fairy tale nonsense! She needs counselling, she needs to start working on whatever is wrong in her life that she has ended up in this position in the first place. At 39 years old she doesn't have time to waste being dependant on someone else. Please don't tell her to take a leap of faith regarding this man who has abandoned one family already and who is now gearing up to leave his second family. OP if you want to have this baby then do so, but do it with the mindset that you will be alone. Start finding out what resources there are available to you and take advantage of them. Even if this guy does leave his wife and comes to live with you please don't just settle in to being a housewife and become completely dependant on him because you will regret it. Also I think you said you are right down to last bit of time that you can choose abortion and then it will be too late to have one, so be careful about believing what he is saying. He might be saying this just to get you past the point of no return not because he really wants a baby with you, but because he knows that being pregnant and alone will make you even more vulnerable and dependant on him. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Adamgem Posted April 9, 2012 Author Share Posted April 9, 2012 Okay so when he ditches her in 5-10 years to go be with the next best thing, you will jump on the first plane over there to help her out right? This woman is 39 years old, has said that she doesn't have family, job stability and has even implied that she might not even have a roof over head without the MM, and you are telling her to bank her life on what a cheating man may be able to do for her. Arrrghhhh...it makes me crazy to hear middle aged woman talking romantic fairy tale nonsense! She needs counselling, she needs to start working on whatever is wrong in her life that she has ended up in this position in the first place. At 39 years old she doesn't have time to waste being dependant on someone else. Please don't tell her to take a leap of faith regarding this man who has abandoned one family already and who is now gearing up to leave his second family. OP if you want to have this baby then do so, but do it with the mindset that you will be alone. Start finding out what resources there are available to you and take advantage of them. Even if this guy does leave his wife and comes to live with you please don't just settle in to being a housewife and become completely dependant on him because you will regret it. Also I think you said you are right down to last bit of time that you can choose abortion and then it will be too late to have one, so be careful about believing what he is saying. He might be saying this just to get you past the point of no return not because he really wants a baby with you, but because he knows that being pregnant and alone will make you even more vulnerable and dependant on him. Thank you for this post. It is what I fear. I think he may be telling me anything that I might want to hear to get me in a more vulnerable situation... and therefore more dependant on him. This is exactly what I can not allow. I am glad you said it.... I need to be very strong in the coming days. I have spent so much time with him in the last four months (more or less 24/7)... it is only in the last few days when I got away that I began to think more clearly. I will keep reading to get strength. Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 Thank you for this post. It is what I fear. I think he may be telling me anything that I might want to hear to get me in a more vulnerable situation... and therefore more dependant on him. This is exactly what I can not allow. I am glad you said it.... I need to be very strong in the coming days. I have spent so much time with him in the last four months (more or less 24/7)... it is only in the last few days when I got away that I began to think more clearly. I will keep reading to get strength. How long have you been involved with this MM? Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 He is very comfortable and does not need to work. He insisted that no matter what the child would always be looked after financially. I just think it is very easy for someone like him to say this. What proof do I have? None. I also do not think it is likely that after the abortion, seperation and taking a bit of time for myself that I am going to suddenly meet the right person - have enough time to get to know them and then still be fertile. He thinks that really I do not want the child - he thinks if I really wanted it - I would be having it. My mother always said having children ruins your life. First bolded: you don't believe him, you find out what the laws are regarding child support where you live and then you make sure to get a legal ruling regarding him supporting his kid. Second bolded: I'm sorry you're mother said that to you. Thats a terrible thing for a mother to say. Having children doesn't ruin your life, making poor decisions for yourself is what ruins your life. I raised two boys by myself and I don't for one minute feel that they ruined my life, however I do feel that they deserved way better than they got from me. We were poor and life was hard. I worked all the time and didn't give them enough of my time, I was often emotionally drained, angry and unhappy because life looked so bleak sometimes. I was also really young and had the years to spend pulling myself out of the hole. Now in my forties I am completely financially independant and happy. I also had an abortion when I was young and yes I do still feel badly about it to this day but I want to say that the guilt I feel for that doesn't even begin to compare to how sad and guilty I feel when I remember how hard life was on my boys. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Adamgem Posted April 9, 2012 Author Share Posted April 9, 2012 How long have you been involved with this MM? One year only... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 Perhaps this is the one time in your life when you should take a leap of faith. Both in him and in you. Trust that it will be alright one way or the other. You want her to put ALL her eggs in one basket for a guy who is known, past and current cheater? Been married two times? NO way. This guy is full of crap and is lying about leaving his wife and kids. It is weird. I have made up my mind and I haven't changed it but now he is calling me telling me that their split is final. He said they have talked this morning about how much he will give her each month and on which dates he will have the children. I do not know if he is just saying this because I ended the relationship or if it is true. I know he will not let go easily. It is not in his nature. I do worry, at my age, that I will not have time to find someone more suitable. I think I am being silly? Tell him you want to talk to his wife. Watch his reaction. I doubt very much he spoke to her. NO marriage ending is this simple and unemotional. HE IS manipulating you, don't believe it! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Adamgem Posted April 9, 2012 Author Share Posted April 9, 2012 I think finding out legally what I am entitled to would not make any difference. I have seen how he deals with these kinds of situations... he will get as many lawyers for as long as it takes to get his way. I wouldn't have a hope if I were to take this route... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Adamgem Posted April 9, 2012 Author Share Posted April 9, 2012 You want her to put ALL her eggs in one basket for a guy who is known, past and current cheater? Been married two times? NO way. This guy is full of crap and is lying about leaving his wife and kids. Tell him you want to talk to his wife. Watch his reaction. I doubt very much he spoke to her. NO marriage ending is this simple and unemotional. HE IS manipulating you, don't believe it! I will. I had decided that I will insist on speaking to her to confirm everything. I am sure he is just playing games. I have already told him that I do not believe a word he says. Link to post Share on other sites
trinity1 Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 He is very comfortable and does not need to work. He insisted that no matter what the child would always be looked after financially. I just think it is very easy for someone like him to say this. What proof do I have? None. The proof you have is whether or not he has cared for his five children financially in the past. I also do not think it is likely that after the abortion, seperation and taking a bit of time for myself that I am going to suddenly meet the right person - have enough time to get to know them and then still be fertile. This is my fear, that you will regret not having this child. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 Since he's comfortable and doesn't have to work anymore, suggest that, if he is serious about you and your prospective child, that he purchase today an annuity in the mean value of to-majority child care costs and name you as beneficiary. The annuity can be triggered by the child's birth and pay out periodically, like monthly/annually, etc. Actions 4 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 Many people think that having a child means you must have money. I'm not saying it doesn't help but in the end that's not all you need. If some folks waited until they had money to have children... they wouldn't have any. . I'm with those who can look at the situation and say that no matter what this man's situation, there would be no stability for you if he were to be a part of your life. I also feel that out of all situations bad/or good, something good can come out, and to build on. In this instance, it would be your child. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 I have been seeing a man who has a woman and three kids with her... he told me they are not really together (mmm)... he must stay until he gets all his property etc back... When he met her he was already married to someone else that he has two children with. She ran around with him for three years. I spend almost all the time with him but not Easter and the occassional weekend. The rest of the time we are together. He says he wants to be with me etc. but I am sure a million women (or more) have heard that before... I never imagined I would get involved with someone like him. I told him I can not take a person like him seriously - he does not have a good track record. I would never want to get involved in his family affairs no matter how 'bad' it is between them.... not my style. I enjoy being with him and everything was great fun for the last year until I discovered I am pregnant. Now that I am 39 I have a ticking clock but I also have no real home, income or family help... He says he would be always there to support me and the child financially no matter what but he says a lot of things....so many holidays were suggested... I am going to buy you this and that.... usually he does not... so I can not rely on that..................... This is breaking my heart but I have booked an apointment at the clinic on Wednesday............ I have also ended the realationship with him but will continue to see him as he is my boss. I am so confused and keep changing my mind..... any input would be appreciated. (No moral judgements please - I find they say more about those that have them than me or my situation - they certainly do not help anybody). I hope you have your baby, I can't tell you how many people, before having children say they can't afford it, although after having their children manage somehow. And as for the single mom, there are tons out there...I was one. My children enhanced my life..and now my grandchildren, which would not exist had I terminated my kids. I really would ask you to reconsider:( Well, this is something he will have to do, in the form of child support, as he is responsible too. Support for you can't be ordered by the courts. My prayers are with you, please let us know what you decide..k...no matter what it is..((((((((((hugs)))))))) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 Good question. Although not really a crucial one. Many children are brought up successfully by single mothers. I'm one of them. In fact it was my kids that caused me to strive harder. I supported my kids both financially and emotionally mostly on my own. When there were issues that I couldn't handle, others stepped in. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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