Jealous of my fiancee's and my friend's relationship?

[shockorama]

Hi there,

 

Something has been bugging me for a while and I thought I would post it in hopes of gaining some unbiased perspectives. My fiancee and a friend of mine both work for the same company. I didn't meet my fiancee through the friend, and they don't work in the same department or on the same floor, but they did meet each other through me and have become friends. I really do think it's great that my friends like my fiancee and vice versa, but I feel like I am getting a little jealous of these two. They chat on and off throughout each workday through instant messenger, and sometimes send cell phone text messages back and forth on the evenings or weekends. I really don't know what they talk about, but I'm sure it's just general stuff. The thing that bothers me is that often I will tell one of them something, and news gets to the other before I can tell the other myself. For example, I mentioned something today to my friend about having a reception I was going to on Saturday. Within minutes, my fiancee IM'd me and asked me about it. Many times, my friend won't ask me if I want to go out or do something, but will ask my fiancee first, who in turn asks me. The worst is when he asks her to go out, then calls me and says that they've made plans and I "have" to go. This relationship that they have has been eating at me some, and not because I think anything is going on - my fiancee is very trustworthy and true and so is my friend. But I feel like a third wheel sometimes when they are together or my fiancee mentions stuff that they talk about. Am I over-reacting? If not, how can I approach them about this to make myself feel better while at the same time not coming across as jealous or ruining their friendship? Thanks for any advice!

[supermom]

Feelings are never wrong......they just are.

 

Talk to your fiancee about it. Let him know that you trust them, it's just that you are feeling like the third wheel.

 

Communication is the key. Also tell him to keep the convo between you two. If you want to talk to your friend then YOU do it.

 

good luck

[StartingAgain]

A little jealousy is a healthy thing I'm told. It's great that your fiance and friend like one another, but I believe they are a bit too close. IMing all day and several contacts ove the weekend. Isn't that your time? I have several female friends, but I don't have more than a one or two emails per week and a call every couple of weeks. And I'm single! What I find bothersome is that he would make plans for you without consulting you first. Also, the two of them should not be discussing his and your private conversations. And your fiance should never be so insensitive as to make you feel like a third wheel. You are supposed to be his first consideration. I remeber when I was engaged, I scarcely cared to do more than have a brief idle chat with another woman. I had eyes only for my fiance.

 

To be honest, something isn't quite right here. They may not be having an affair now (actually, it sounds as if they may be having an emotional affair), but they are in danger of doing so. This is how most affairs get started nowadays. They start out innocently enough, but things get out off hand when the relationship crosses the boundry of friend to intimate friend. (by intimate, I don't mean having sex.) Your fiance needs to learn how to put up boundries before he becomes a husband. Remember, also (and this is soooo true) any behaviors in your your future mate that upset you now, will only get worse after you are married. So nip them in the bud now. If you don't feel that you can talk openly and honestly with your fiance about your discomfort with his overly-chummy relationship with your friend, you may not be ready to marry this man.

[shockorama]

Thank you both for your replies... Very good food for thought. I read back through my post and realized that it was very non-gender specific... Just an FYI, I'm the guy and my fiancee is the girl - not vice versa. I don't think it matters in relation to your good advice and thoughts, but just thought I would mention. Thanks!

[reservoirdog1]

Maybe it's just my own shellshock, but if it was me, red flags would be waving everywhere. Unfortunately, only with the benefit of hindsight.

 

TBXW's OM#2 started as just a "very good friend". We saw him all the time, and they talked all the time. She'd often hang out with him after work, and a couple of times when she called me and suggest we meet after work, he'd be there. On a couple of occasions they weren't getting along; I witnessed one spat between them and remarked that they were more like siblings than friends.

 

What I didn't know is that he'd been banging her for a few months by that point, and had started about 6 weeks into the marriage.

 

I agree with the other poster... when you're married or engaged, any friendship between your spouse(-to-be) and a person of the opposite sex that seems a bit too close, probably is. I wish I could just tell you to go with your gut, but that didn't work for me -- naive idiot that I was, I didn't suspect a thing.

 

Nip it in the bud now, before it's too late.

[StartingAgain]

I would add that my ex had a guy who was "an old dear friend." Not being one to ever dictate to my wife who she could call friend, I took her at her word. She hadn't had much contact with her "friend" in several years. She had lived in the city we now live in before we were married. When she left, they only had an occasional email "hey, how are you" correspondance. When we moved back here, the started having more frequent contact, with emails and a chat on the phone every few weeks. I paid it no attention. I ignored all the warning signs. Why is it that this guy never called for a chat in the evenings when I was home? Why did she never invite him to dinner as she did her other friends? Why would she go all the way to the other side of the city to have lunch with him, when she rarely had time for lunch with me? Why was she growing more and more distant and detached from our relationship? Why, suddenly did she find fault with things about me that had never been a problem before? And what is up with this sudden lack of sexual desire?

 

Well, the emails became daily and when I asked about this, she switched her correspondance with him to a Yahoo account. She said he told her it was easier for him. (??) Lunches and afternoon walks in the park became a weekly occurance. On the two occasions when she and I did meet this guy fora drink, they talked about things and people I didn't know. Like you, I felt like a third wheel. This guy was much too attentive, much too flirty, much too familiar. But they were old friends. Suddenlly, she needed a cell phone -- just in case she broke down or somethig. I ignored all the signs because I implicitly trusted my beloved wife. What a fool I was! I was so trusting because I didn't have enough information.

 

I wish I'd found the late Dr. Shirley Glass' book "Not Just Friends" about six months earlier. Dr. Glass, who died last year, spent her career researching infidelity. She was considered one of the country's foremost authorities on the subject. She wrote:

 

"The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they?ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love. Eighty-two percent of the 210 unfaithful partners I?ve treated have had an affair with someone who was, at first, ?just a friend.?"

 

Did my ex start out to have an affair with this guy? I don't think so; she just didn't keep her guard up and establish firm boundries. Did she mean to betray me? I don't think so. Did this guy play her? Most definitely.

 

I now firmly believe that it is never appropriate for a married man or woman to have a intimate friendship with a membr of the opposite sex. This isn't to say that all opposite sex friendships are unacceptable, but they must be conducted withing the framework of the marriage. No private phone calls, no private emails, and all activities must include the marital partner. Discussions of an intimate nature, wuch as discussing marital problems, are absolutley inappropriate. One should only discuss such things with one's spouse.

 

If I had it to do over again, I would have put my foot down early and let my wife know that her relationship with this "friend" was too intimate and unacceptable.