robaday Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 For verbal abusers to accuse you of abuse? Because of the way you treated them, or your past or whatever? I am fuming deep inside right now because someone I loved lashed out at me and has now put it on me. It was all my fault. Its the third time it has happened with this person, and I made excuses in the past, but I cant anymore. I tried calling her out on it, but she doesnt understand that theres a line which should not be crossed. Im devastated. I valued our friendship more than anything and I feel like I cant put anymore in anymore. Ive lost a valued friend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 It's easier to blame someone else than to admit fault. It also allows them to feel justified in their actions because you did the same, whether you did or not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fucpcg Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 I once totally lashed out on my girlfriend, and it was over something that I was trying to honestly do the right thing, but regardless I lost it on her. When it was all over, I felt like I had acted like an a$$, but she went on to accuse me of being emotionally abusive. When she said that, it really flipped me out because being abusive is something I never saw myself as, and definitely the kind of person I would want to be. I went to the bookstore and picked up a number of books about verbally abusive relationships. One common theme among all the books is if you are with someone who always starts fights with you, and then always accuses you of being the reason they lost their temper, they are definitely an abuser. Sounds to me that's what you are describing. If this is the case, then this is a person who's life long experiences turned them into an abuser, and one conversation about what they are doing to you will NOT make a dent. I'd move on. Link to post Share on other sites
BewitchedandBothered Posted April 9, 2012 Share Posted April 9, 2012 For verbal abusers to accuse you of abuse? Because of the way you treated them, or your past or whatever? I am fuming deep inside right now because someone I loved lashed out at me and has now put it on me. It was all my fault. Its the third time it has happened with this person, and I made excuses in the past, but I cant anymore. I tried calling her out on it, but she doesnt understand that theres a line which should not be crossed. Im devastated. I valued our friendship more than anything and I feel like I cant put anymore in anymore. Ive lost a valued friend. Yes. My abuser would start a fight, I would get upset and respond, then he would say I 'attacked' him or abused him and it was all my fault. That I brought all of it on myself. He wanted me to apologize to him a few times, also; enjoyed seeing me crawl, I guess. Run, Forrest, Run is what I have to say to you in this situation. It won't get better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author robaday Posted April 9, 2012 Author Share Posted April 9, 2012 Thanks for advice. She apologised but the whole apology was mixed with attacking me, and saying I made her like this.I was a jerk to her a long time ago, but it has no relevance now. I changed and did a lot of work on myself. Besides which I never threw personal insults at her, never swore, and infrequently raised my voice.I am more offended by the apology then I was by the abuse.I hope she grows as a person, and fixes her demons. I cant be there for her anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 Seems like the apology was a bunch of blameshifting as well. An adult can take and accept blame, then learn from their mistakes. Doesn't seem like she has matured enough yet to do so. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 That wasn't an apology, it was a "fauxpology". Blameshifting & turning the tables are classic tactics of manipulative and abusive people. Abusive people can't bear to see their own true reflections---so if you complain about the way they treat you, it threatens their delusion of being a decent person. So they attack--because you came too close to seeing behind the mask. An abusive person will step on your toes, (hard) --- but if you dare to say, "Ouch, that hurts!!" Then YOU become "the bad guy"....for seeing him/her as less than wonderful. It's horribly warped, and wrong, and damaging to be around a person like that. I've lost a friend like that recently, too--so I understand how painful it can be. My heart goes out to you. In the long run--however----we're better off without that kind of energy in our lives. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 The line she shouldn't have crossed is verbally abusing you in the first place. Next time you need to put your foot down right there. Nobody is ever going to appreciate you putting up with their ****, they are just going to keep pushing you further and further and further until ridiculous accusations like “you make me abuse you!” start to come out. So yes it is common. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ponsettia Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 That wasn't an apology, it was a "fauxpology". Blameshifting & turning the tables are classic tactics of manipulative and abusive people. Abusive people can't bear to see their own true reflections---so if you complain about the way they treat you, it threatens their delusion of being a decent person. So they attack--because you came too close to seeing behind the mask. ^^ Hit the nail on the head Link to post Share on other sites
AshleighL Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 My ex boyfriend blames everything on me. I would say it is pretty common because they just can't admit to themselves that they have screwed up in such a big way. Link to post Share on other sites
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