Fiance & daughter haven't bonded

[WolfLady]

Hi all

 

I have a very good relationship with my fiance, we get along as near perfect as can be hoped for. I have a 19 year old daughter who does not live here. She comes over to spend about every third weekend with us. Whenever she is here, my fiance becomes withdrawn and sullen, and watches TV most of the day, or spends a lot of extra time doing yard work.

 

She left a few hours ago, and today he was in a particularly grumpy mood. That was, in part, because his mother passed away 2 weeks ago, and I am taking that into consideration.

 

If my daughter was a minor and lived with us, and he behaved like this every day, I would almost definitely leave him. However, she is 19 and isn't here that often, so I just have a talk with him after each of her visits. He always says, "Yeah I know, I'll talk to her more the next time she comes over," but that never happens. It makes me sad. I don't feel like I'm in an absolute position where I must choose between marrying him, or my daughter, but there's a part of me that feels he should be making an effort to be more like his usual self when she's around.

 

My daughter isn't crazy about him either, but that's simply because he won't interact with her. If she asks him a question or asks for assistance he is more than polite, and he'll do anything she asks. But if she doesn't initiate ... nothing.

 

We get along very, very well, and this is a good relationship I don't really want to walk away from. My daughter is my LIFE, but she's out on her own now, and I do have to make decisions for my own future.

 

Thoughts?

[2sunny]

How long have you dated him?

 

Why the need to marry?

[WolfLady]

We are 2 months shy of our 4 year anniversary. We're both on the old-fashioned side, and neither of us want to be in a long term relationship without the eventual goal of marriage.

 

I know marriage is starting to go 'out of fashion', but we both still want the committment very much.

[2sunny]

You have the commitment. So the illusion of getting married is what your targeting... Ok.

 

But I'd wait.

 

Wait and see IF he becomes good with his word. He said he'd make more effort yet he hasnt done so.

 

If he doesn't do it - don't get married. And if he won't change - start having him away from the house while your daughter visits every 3rd weekend.

 

If he's not making effort for being welcoming to your daughter now - its not likely to get better over time.

 

Its a passive aggressive move. If he makes her feel unwelcome = maybe she won't come over - maybe she won't take your time and energy that she needs from her Mom.

 

If he wants to be selfish and self serving that way - he needs to date a gal that has no children.

 

Expecting him to be welcoming of her isn't too much to ask.

 

Is he like this with anyone else that takes your time and attention away from paying attention to him?

[Trimmer]

Wait and see IF he becomes good with his word. He said he'd make more effort yet he hasnt done so.

 

If he doesn't do it - don't get married. And if he won't change - start having him away from the house while your daughter visits every 3rd weekend.

 

If he's not making effort for being welcoming to your daughter now - its not likely to get better over time.

 

Its a passive aggressive move. If he makes her feel unwelcome = maybe she won't come over - maybe she won't take your time and energy that she needs from her Mom.

 

If he wants to be selfish and self serving that way - he needs to date a gal that has no children.

 

Expecting him to be welcoming of her isn't too much to ask.

 

Is he like this with anyone else that takes your time and attention away from paying attention to him?

Kids and family relationships are very important to me, because I believe that family relationships and bonds are important to the development of children, even into early adulthood. If I were seeing a woman who had a child - of whatever age - and the relationship between that woman and her child was important to her (and it damn well better be!) then it would be important to me as well. If I'm a friend of hers, then I'm a supporter of that relationship, because it's important to her, and therefore, I see it as an important part of her.

 

Even if the child were a "difficult" child (and I'm not at all saying yours is - it certainly doesn't sound like it...), or a child that I didn't particularly appreciate, personality-wise or something, I would still recognize the importance of that parent-child bond, and be openly and atively supportive of it in whatever way I could.

 

So I guess I'm saying I agree that it's not too much to ask of him to be, at a minimum, present (in an emotional way, not just physically "there") to participate and support the family unit, or better yet, I think it's not too much to expect him to be an active supporter of it, at least making an effort to contribute in a positive way.

[2sunny]

Kids and family relationships are very important to me, because I believe that family relationships and bonds are important to the development of children, even into early adulthood. If I were seeing a woman who had a child - of whatever age - and the relationship between that woman and her child was important to her (and it damn well better be!) then it would be important to me as well. If I'm a friend of hers, then I'm a supporter of that relationship, because it's important to her, and therefore, I see it as an important part of her.

 

Even if the child were a "difficult" child (and I'm not at all saying yours is - it certainly doesn't sound like it...), or a child that I didn't particularly appreciate, personality-wise or something, I would still recognize the importance of that parent-child bond, and be openly and atively supportive of it in whatever way I could.

 

So I guess I'm saying I agree that it's not too much to ask of him to be, at a minimum, present (in an emotional way, not just physically "there") to participate and support the family unit, or better yet, I think it's not too much to expect him to be an active supporter of it, at least making an effort to contribute in a positive way.

 

I agree - and while it is ideal - and she's expressed what she wants from him - bottom line is... He's not doing that!

 

He knows what she wants/needs from him to nurture the "family unit" she's considering bringing him into - but he's purposely not honoring her request.

 

If he can't make an effort to be decent and loving to your kids - you will become either resentful of him or your daughter won't come around much - and neither is good.

 

So if he won't and/or doesn't - he'd be gone in a heartbeat.

 

Actions show intent - words mean nothing. Since he says he'll change but doesn't - he's not doing anything... Except making his word a lie.

 

When the words and actions don't match - there's a lie in there.

[KathyM]

I think this is a red flag, and you shouldn't be marrying this guy. It shows self centeredness on his part, underlying hostility, not wanting to share you with someone else who is important in your life, and lack of concern for establishing a healthy relationship with your child. These characteristics do not make for a good husband, and I think you would be wise to reconsider this relationship.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I'm sort of puzzled by the fact that you claim to have been together roughly four years, and yet you only give 'current' details about how your fiance and your daughter get along.

 

 

Shouldn't you have four years of backstory on their relationship??? For all we know, your fiance could have walked in on her when she was in a compromising position back in 2009, and things have been awkward ever since.

 

How long has it been since your daughter lived with you (yourself, in any way, shape or form)?

[2sunny]

Hi all

 

I'm twice divorced, and currently living with my fiance. I'm not really afraid of getting married again, but I do not want to go through a third divorce.

 

My partner is the sweetest man, a real keeper. He dotes on me, takes care of me, he is stable and hard-working. I feel very, very safe around him, except for one thing. I know for a fact that he loves someone else more than he does me.

 

She lives about 1,000 miles away from here (literally) and is married with a passle of kids. She has had umpteen opportunities to leave her husband to start a new life with my man, but she chose to stay with her family. And yes, I know she loves him very much, too. It was hard for them to finally break all ties with each other, but they have been contact-free for almost 2 years now. I know that in his heart he has given up all hope of having a relationship with that woman, but I still have fears of her getting a divorce, or her husband dying, and she shows up on our doorstep saying, "Surprise! I'm single!" and married or not he would leave me for her. I have talked with friends about this, and the general consensus seems to be I should just go for it because if I don't take a chance I could be alone for the rest of my life. I am 50, he is 56.

 

Fear is such an ugly beast ...

 

Would YOU be able to marry someone who loved someone else more than you?

 

There has been something else that has bugged me for quite some time now.

 

Back when we were first dating 2 years ago, he was quite open with me about things regarding her. He told me he had a filing cabinet at his parent's house, and inside were naked pictures of her. At the time (before our apocalypse when I found out he was still having an emotional affair with her) I told him he should keep them. Now I want him to get rid of them.

 

I am tempted to go to his parent's when he's not with me and get them myself, but I'm sure his parents would question me, and I don't want to tell them the truth about his past emotional affair. If I ask him to get rid of them himself, I know we're in for another bumpy ride.

 

Do I have the right to ask him to destroy those naked pictures?

 

Is this the same guy?

[RiverRunning]

The naked pictures of his little fantasy girlfriend need to go.

 

It's very troubling that he's not bonding with your daughter. It doesn't sound like she's really had the opportunity to do anything to him (she's only there what, a weekend or two per month? How much damage could she possibly do?).

 

Imagine the future when your daughter marries. When you have grandchildren. Will your boyfriend still be walking around like an overgrown baby, ticked off when he's not the center of attention in your universe?

 

I dated someone like that once - but at least he was 19 - 20 at the time, not in his 50s. I had to keep my attention absolutely focused on him. He'd even get jealous if I wanted to sit for 5, 10, 15 minutes to play with my 1-year-old nephew. Totally not worth it, IMO.

[KathyM]

So not only is this guy snubbing your daughter, but he's pining away for some other woman, and had an emotional affair with a married woman? You really think that makes sense to keep a guy like that? This will be your third marriage. Please don't waste it on a loser.

[Lauriebell82]

Hmm, seems that there are additional problems in the relationship other then with your daugther. The other issues are much more severe red flags. Sounds like this is not a healthy dynamic. It's possible that with your two prior marriages you ignored warning signs and red flags, just as you are doing this time around...

[Tayla]

Since I do not know him or you , I shall keep to life experience.

As the daughter of a Parent who remarried. My "step" was nothing short of "civil". Not loving not supportive. But I already had a MOM (mother) so it didn't take away from my fathers marital life choice. It was "HIS" marriage. Sorry but maybe I was raised that My Father (parent) had zero say in who I married , then I had zero say in his committed relations.

 

If this man were abusive (physical or verbally) then I could see a red flag, but him being solemn and keeping to himself during her visits doesn't sound like anything less then him allowing you (the maternal parent) quality bonding time. Sounds good to me!

I disagree with most here in automatically thwarting your decision to marry this man. None of us here know him . I did get a shiver when you said your daughter is YOUR LIFE. She isn't, she is her own person , completely separate and unique. Her life is not yours and vice versa. Share and bond , yes. But I caution the mindset of allowing the offspring becoming the deciding factor in YOUR committed choice.

[zengirl]

The additional problems may be worth considering, but the fact that he doesn't want to bond with a fully-grown daughter doesn't seem particularly problematic to me. As long as he's not rude or cruel towards her.

[g450]

OK Im going to put in my two cents and be the devils advocate and may be flamed for my opinion but here goes:

 

He is not marrying your daughter. He is marrying you. They may simply not like each other. And that's OK. As long as your marriage to each other is fine then there really is no issue unless you make it one. And from what you posted you both are fine otherwise. Just because you are in love with him does not mean your whole family needs to be.

 

Never seen a perfect family, even when the kids are biologically both theirs.

And if you try to force feed your daughter into the marriage he may end up being resentful about it.

 

You have to remember, this is not his child and nor will it ever be his. She is another man's child. If he makes you happy and takes care of you then your daughter should be more than happy with this fact alone. She has her own life to contend with now anyway. Is she a "mama's girl"? Is she happy for you? Is she resentful that you are marrying him? Does she need constant attention from you even when she is away? Perhaps he can sense this.

 

I understand that children need a father figure but if thats what you married him for then you married him for the wrong reason. But again, she is not a child any more. He may feel that you are putting him in second place. I understand that your children are your life but honestly your kid is grown. She will have her own life. You are not going to grow old at home with your daugher, you will grow old with him. He should be your priority now. I get the feeling that there is more too this than what you are saying.

 

Most men do not like being put in 2nd place. Not even temporarily. In my case my Fiancee has one Son and I am ok with being in 2nd place but not in all aspects of our relationship if you know what I mean.

 

You said your daugher is "My Life". Um no. He should be "Your Life" now. It doesnt mean you dont love your daughter but at this stage in your life you need to realize that you may need to prioritize what is most important to you. If your daughter will always be Number One in your life then I hate to say it but your in for a bumpy marriage or worse.

 

Having your daugher over every third weekend is not too excessive but I question how much time you spend with her vs your future husband to be when she is there? And BTW she doesnt need him. She has you. Is she the needy type? Where is her biological father?

 

In my case when her oldest (grown) Son comes over I just go do my own thing. She knows I dont like him. He is a drug user, a thief and annoying as hell to be around and I prefer to stay away from him. But he does not live with us so I see him as a non-issue in our marriage as long as he doesnt live with us. That is simply a boundry I gave her. Its her choice to marry me under those conditions and she made her decision to stay. I tolerate him out of love and respect for her. So doing my own thing is the best thing I can do to keep the peace and keep my trap shut.

 

You need to simply decide what is more important to you at this stage in your life. It sounds to me like they get along OK enough. You should consider yourself lucky. Some kids will never give their blessings to a new marriage and in some cases even do what they can to sabotage the relationship. Not saying your daughter is doing that mind you.

 

I dont really see a problem here. Some are telling you that you should reconsider marrying the guy. That's laughable. Do you really think any other guy is going to become the perfect father for somebody elses kid? It's human nature, again your daughter is not his and nothing you say to him will change that fact. She has a father already. Let her spend time with him.

 

The other option is not to ever marry anyone. So you need to ask yourself this question: Is your daughers temporary childhood happiness so important to you that your own happiness needs to be sacrificed? And what happens when she gets married herself and you see her even less because she has her own husband and children to attend too and she stops coming over every third weekend because she has her own life? Something to think about.

[KathyM]

OK Im going to put in my two cents and be the devils advocate and may be flamed for my opinion but here goes:

 

He is not marrying your daughter. He is marrying you. They may simply not like each other. And that's OK. As long as your marriage to each other is fine then there really is no issue unless you make it one. And from what you posted you both are fine otherwise. Just because you are in love with him does not mean your whole family needs to be.

 

Never seen a perfect family, even when the kids are biologically both theirs.

And if you try to force feed your daughter into the marriage he may end up being resentful about it.

 

You have to remember, this is not his child and nor will it ever be his. She is another man's child. If he makes you happy and takes care of you then your daughter should be more than happy with this fact alone. She has her own life to contend with now anyway. Is she a "mama's girl"? Is she happy for you? Is she resentful that you are marrying him? Does she need constant attention from you even when she is away? Perhaps he can sense this.

 

I understand that children need a father figure but if thats what you married him for then you married him for the wrong reason. But again, she is not a child any more. He may feel that you are putting him in second place. I understand that your children are your life but honestly your kid is grown. She will have her own life. You are not going to grow old at home with your daugher, you will grow old with him. He should be your priority now. I get the feeling that there is more too this than what you are saying.

 

Most men do not like being put in 2nd place. Not even temporarily. In my case my Fiancee has one Son and I am ok with being in 2nd place but not in all aspects of our relationship if you know what I mean.

 

You said your daugher is "My Life". Um no. He should be "Your Life" now. It doesnt mean you dont love your daughter but at this stage in your life you need to realize that you may need to prioritize what is most important to you. If your daughter will always be Number One in your life then I hate to say it but your in for a bumpy marriage or worse.

 

Having your daugher over every third weekend is not too excessive but I question how much time you spend with her vs your future husband to be when she is there? And BTW she doesnt need him. She has you. Is she the needy type? Where is her biological father?

 

In my case when her oldest (grown) Son comes over I just go do my own thing. She knows I dont like him. He is a drug user, a thief and annoying as hell to be around and I prefer to stay away from him. But he does not live with us so I see him as a non-issue in our marriage as long as he doesnt live with us. That is simply a boundry I gave her. Its her choice to marry me under those conditions and she made her decision to stay. I tolerate him out of love and respect for her. So doing my own thing is the best thing I can do to keep the peace and keep my trap shut.

 

You need to simply decide what is more important to you at this stage in your life. It sounds to me like they get along OK enough. You should consider yourself lucky. Some kids will never give their blessings to a new marriage and in some cases even do what they can to sabotage the relationship. Not saying your daughter is doing that mind you.

 

I dont really see a problem here. Some are telling you that you should reconsider marrying the guy. That's laughable. Do you really think any other guy is going to become the perfect father for somebody elses kid? It's human nature, again your daughter is not his and nothing you say to him will change that fact. She has a father already. Let her spend time with him.

 

The other option is not to ever marry anyone. So you need to ask yourself this question: Is your daughers temporary childhood happiness so important to you that your own happiness needs to be sacrificed? And what happens when she gets married herself and you see her even less because she has her own husband and children to attend too and she stops coming over every third weekend because she has her own life? Something to think about.

You seriously think it's wise for this woman to marry a man who is in love with somebody else? A man who had an emotional affair with the other woman? A man who acts like a jealous pouty child when the OP's daughter comes to visit? You really think that's a good risk for marriage?

[whichwayisup]

You cannot force a relationship to happen. They get along well enough. She likes him and obviously is OK with you marrying him. Time is on your side and as time goes along they will get to know eachother better and become friends. She doesn't need another dad, so at the age of 19 the last thing she is looking for is a father figure..

[Lauriebell82]

You seriously think it's wise for this woman to marry a man who is in love with somebody else? A man who had an emotional affair with the other woman? A man who acts like a jealous pouty child when the OP's daughter comes to visit? You really think that's a good risk for marriage?

 

Some posters may not have read the whole thread, so they may not know the backstory to this relationship....

 

I would agree though that the daughter issue alone probably would not be a dealbreaker considering she is 19 and does not live there full time. And that's what the OP posted this thread for.

[TigerCub]

If this guy is really in love with another woman, and he's only with OP because he can't have the woman he really loves...maybe ...

 

He's not trying to form any relationship with OP's daughter because subconsciously he's rejecting the whole idea of this marriage. Maybe its his way of pushing away the reality that this will be his step daughter and OP will in fact be his wife.

 

OP, I don't think you should be with a man that you KNOW is in love with someone else and is merely settling for you. Even if you are afraid to be alone, is it really worth it?

 

Besides, you wont be alone, you can meet someone else who is much better to you, and you'll always have your daughter in your life. You're not alone and you shouldn't let fear be the reason you marry this man. It should be mutual love, not fear.

 

Good luck to you.

[g450]

You seriously think it's wise for this woman to marry a man who is in love with somebody else? A man who had an emotional affair with the other woman? A man who acts like a jealous pouty child when the OP's daughter comes to visit? You really think that's a good risk for marriage?

 

Dont recal the OP saying her Fiancee was in love with anybody else in her posting. If that is the case then why is she marrying him? That would be insane. Hence my statement that I think there is more to this story than what the OP has stated.

 

As far as acting like a child when she comes to visit, OP will have to elaborate on what that means exactly. What is he doing or not doing? All I can tell you is that when somebody tries to MAKE me interact with somebody I have no desire to deal with and no real reason to deal with them I tend to feel uncomfortable. And rightly so. Relationships should come naturally.

 

In my case I will never be friends with a drug user and a theif. The fact that he is her oldest Son will never change that. You cant force a good relationship if there is no possitive reason for it and why force it if its not neccesary for the marriage? He is grown, he is not mine and he is a non-issue to our marriage. Why make him an issue?

 

The fact that I am civil with him is a small miracle within itself and is more than enough for our relationship to survive. Same should apply to the OP and her daughter.

 

I guess this is why so many of my fellow men advise not to date a woman with kids. In some cases there will be the inevitable drama stirred up, even though in most cases it's completely unecessary and avoidable.

[Lauriebell82]

Dont recal the OP saying her Fiancee was in love with anybody else in her posting. If that is the case then why is she marrying him? That would be insane. Hence my statement that I think there is more to this story than what the OP has stated.

 

On the first page of this thread, 2sunny posted 2 old threads that OP had started about this relationship (at least we are assuming it is the same guy, OP never verified) in which her fiance is in love with another woman and having an emotional affair and how he has naked pictures of her in a cabinet. It was after 2sunny posted this, that OP abandoned her thread. Most likely she left those details out of her thread so posters would not bring them up and just concentrate on the fiance/daugther issue.

 

I agree with you that there is probably more to the fiance/daughter story then OP has let on...