Considering Breaking off the Engagement.

[dontforgetyourname]

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I've been with my fiancé for over 2 years. We got engaged almost two months ago. Overall, I would say our relationship is going well. There is nothing “wrong,” but I do have some concerns. There just seem to be some little things that bother me. She used to be very active and outdoorsy. We actually met at a summer camp. Now I am lucky to get her to go on a walk with me. When I do, its usually to go to the mall or some other store. She also used to be very fun loving and energetic. Now she is more often than not just sort of bland and sometimes short tempered. She is studying art in college, which I think is great for her, but I have no real interest in. The biggest concern I have is with our religious differences. I am by no means a hard core Christian, but I do have a basic faith that I carry with me and try to use as a base to live my life. I went to catholic school for 12 years and I thought it was a great place to learn positive values and it was just a good environment in general. We went to the store yesterday and the lady at the cash register said "happy Easter." After we left, my fiancé told me that was one of her pet peeves, because there was no was the cashier knew we were Christian. I understand this perspective, but I just thought it was a little extreme. Her dad is very much the same. He claims he is a believer, but only makes snide remarks anytime the subject of religion comes up. She also made the comment, "We don't have to send our kids to catholic school do we?"

One more thing that sort of irritates me in the same way is her view on politics. She doesn't follow politics or watch the news, but when we were at a fair a while back she signed the Obama petition instantly. Full disclosure here: I voted for Obama last time around. However, it's really not about the fact that it was for Obama, it was just the fact that she signed it without having any real working knowledge of the current political landscape to go off of. When I wouldn't sign it she said something to the effect of, "I wouldn't vote for a republican at all." I can't stand that attitude in politics.

Don't get me wrong, we have had a great two years and have had many enjoyable experiences together. I also feel somewhat hypocritical about my criticism towards her, because I feel that I too have in a way toned down my activeness and fun loving traits to some degree. I’m not sure if it is an environmental thing or if it’s, because I am around her so much that it “rubs off.” I am just wondering if marrying her is the right thing to do. It seems hard for me to justify either way. I am also not a church goer myself, so the whole religion thing is really more about fundamental differences I guess than anything. However, I guess I would probably go to church a bit more if I wasn’t in a relationship with her. We are currently engaged, she has a dress, and the wedding save the dates are addressed and will be sent out this week. It's never too late to call it off, but am I just getting cold feet or will I regret marrying her in 3 or 4 years? It would be such a life altering decision. I just don’t want to break up and then realize I made a huge mistake.

[westrock]

One more thing that sort of irritates me in the same way is her view on politics. She doesn't follow politics or watch the news, but when we were at a fair a while back she signed the Obama petition instantly. Full disclosure here: I voted for Obama last time around. However, it's really not about the fact that it was for Obama, it was just the fact that she signed it without having any real working knowledge of the current political landscape to go off of. When I wouldn't sign it she said something to the effect of, "I wouldn't vote for a republican at all." I can't stand that attitude in politics.

 

Why can't you stand that attitude? Don't you find it amazing how she is able to reach the same conclusion as you about Obama but without having to follow politics or having a real working knowledge of the political landscape? You should admire her ability and confidence! Subconsciuosly, you are probably actually attracted to her for her ability to make decisions like this.

 

I think you are being unfair to her.

 

Just because she doesn't follow politics or read the news or have a real working knowledge of the currrent political landscape, it doesn't mean she's not entitled to take a position on an issue. It does not make her opinion less important than yours. She can even vote without knowing any of the issues and her vote is just as important as your vote, neither more right, nor more wrong.

 

What is probably happening is that for you to reach the same conclusion that she did, you feel you have to expend all this energy gaining a real working knowledge etc. and being so precise to have confidence in your position. Here she comes along and makes the same conclusion with almost little effort. If you took her approach you are probably worried you would make the wrong decision. Sometimes life doesn't need such analysis.

 

What approach do each of you use in making other types of decisions in life? Sounds like she just goes with her gut feeling and you like to carefully weigh the options and gain a lot of knowledge before making a decision on things? Nothing wrong with either approach but you have to respect the different approaches. You two might be able to balance each other out.

 

I also feel somewhat hypocritical about my criticism towards her, because I feel that I too have in a way toned down my activeness and fun loving traits to some degree. I’m not sure if it is an environmental thing or if it’s, because I am around her so much that it “rubs off.” I am just wondering if marrying her is the right thing to do. It seems hard for me to justify either way.

 

You're raising issues about her, yet these are really issues about you.

 

What you are doing is projecting your fears on to your fiance. You are doing this by noticing issues in yourself that bother you and instead of facing them head on you instead bring them up in your fiance. That's called projection.

[Eddie Edirol]

Didnt you know she wasnt very religious sometime in the first year you dated? I think if she is the love of your life, truly, then youre needlessly injecting religion into this. Theres no need to live by the book to be healthy and happy, you already know the basics. It IS annoying when people say "happy easter" because its not a real holiday. You dont have to send your kids to catholic school, you want them to grow up with friends. Your fiance doesnt care about politics, she most likely never will, so you have to accept her as she is. Also, you DONT need to be into art like she is, thats why youre two different people. She can do her thing while you do yours.

 

If you want to live by religion, and marry someone who isnt in art school, who follows politics like you do, and is religious like you, and whos father doesnt make snide remarks when the subject of religion comes up, then you shouldnt marry her. Because the way she is now, it will only go downhill as you get older.

[CC12]

she said something to the effect of, "I wouldn't vote for a republican at all." I can't stand that attitude in politics.

 

But your religious outlook says, "Jesus is our lord and savior" or something to that effect (specifics aren't important, no need to clarify.) To a lot of people that's really similar to saying, "I would never vote Republican." It's taking a stand on something and making a decision, and the great(?) thing about religion and politics is that you don't have to explain your rationale to anyone unless you feel like arguing it.

 

Anyway, you should talk to your fiancee about these issues before you send out those Save the Date cards. Political leanings shouldn't matter in your marriage because you should be accepting of those differences and learn to live with each other in spite of them. But your religious differences might end up understandably playing a role in your future together, especially as far as any potential children. So have that talk really soon so you can both address those concerns and set boundaries.

 

 

 

P.S. Don't blame your fiancee for you not being more active or attending church more. If you want to do those things, then do them. It's not her fault if you don't.

Edited April 9, 2012 by CC12