He wants me back I want a ring this time

[dlb311]

My ex wants me back for the 2nd time. Said I am the one there is no one else in the world he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I can't take him back because how do I know that. He has told me I am the one the whole time we have became a serious couple. Then he thought he was to young to be in a serious relationship and broke things off twice...got scared..commitment phobic..

 

Now I told him if all this is true I need him to prove it I need proof he is not going to leave. That this is where he wants to be. I want a ring...I want him to say you know this is who I want to be with forever and ever. Actions speak louder then words if you ask me. Am I being to demanding. He has no idea this is what I want. I told him he had to figure it out on his own what he can do to resure me and convience me this is it. That he isn't going to run away when he gets scared. Is this not reasonable. I don't think he gets it. He says how I can I prove it to you if I don't see you. I said seeing you spending time is investing my feelings and its something I can't do till I am sure you are sure about this. I don't want in 3 months for you to get scared again and leave and just spending time with me isn't going to prove that because...that is how it went last time, and he still left again. He called a friend up and asked her what can I do to prove it to her. She told him you have to decide how important she is...

 

I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him..and he says he is sure also.

 

any advice...?

[pocoestrella]

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Stand your ground!

 

It isn't unreasonable to want him to invest in you... and yes actions do speak volumes...

 

Good Luck!

[krbshappy71]

Um, you do know that a ring does not mean forever right? That people can still back out before weddings, people can back out AFTER weddings. Forever takes commitment and um....so far not seeing a whole lot of that here. Hope you don't think a ring will change him. Or how he responds to stressful situations. (by leaving) So...you could get married and have your first kid and he then he takes off from the stress. Not good. Just letting you know that his taking off like that is not a good sign. Commitment takes communication. Can you two talk about what's been going on in the past? I wouldn't take a ring at this point, I would take more time to be together and see if he can stick around. A ring will not make him stick around. He has to stick around because he is man enough to go through the tough times too.

 

Just a suggestion, hold off. For your sake, don't ask for a ring. Ask for more commitment when the going gets rough, no more breaking it off/getting back together junk.

[dlb311]

you make a good point. I don't think the ring will make him stay. I know that. but it will show that he wants to invest into the relationship. He will have more riding on things this time. He knows he needs to communicate better with me. He has been doing better, but time will only tell. I can't say okay I want to do this unless I know he isn't going to back out. And the ring tells me he is conquering the fear he has. I definitly get that when the rough times come he needs to pull through. I am not in a hurry to get married. I just need to see how serious he is about me talking and saying so many things just isn't going to cut it anymore.

 

He can back out during anytime but I think once he conquers the fears each one that comes up will be easier. He is not a bad guy...I am not giving him my heart..or at least trying not too. I know that we are very good together and we both want to spend the rest of our lives together..it just him not running when it gets tough. So time will tell...but I still want a ring..even if in the end it doesn't work out..at least I know we tried.

[faux]

Originally posted by dlb311

My ex wants me back for the 2nd time. Said I am the one there is no one else in the world he wants to spend the rest of his life with. I can't take him back because how do I know that. He has told me I am the one the whole time we have became a serious couple. Then he thought he was to young to be in a serious relationship and broke things off twice...got scared..commitment phobic..

 

His actions are, in fact, entirely understandable.

 

Now I told him if all this is true I need him to prove it I need proof he is not going to leave. That this is where he wants to be. I want a ring...I want him to say you know this is who I want to be with forever and ever. Actions speak louder then words if you ask me. Am I being to demanding. He has no idea this is what I want. I told him he had to figure it out on his own what he can do to resure me and convience me this is it.

 

It sounds to me as though you are being too demanding, yes. If you are happy with him, let things happen naturally. Let him get to that level of comfort so he knows what it is that he wants to do. In the meantime, just try things out again and be happy with what you have, if you are indeed happy spending time in a relationship with him.

 

I think it is unwise to "let him figure it out on his own". If he could do that, you would not be in this situation to begin with, yes? People are not mind readers. If this means an awful lot to you, then you need to discuss it openly and honestly with him. How else is he going to know for certain? He probably has no idea how you feel

 

Do not leave it up for guessing. If this means a lot, tell him so and tell him what you want. You will save both of you the trouble of further confusion, and you will be able to assess where things will go with greater ease.

 

That he isn't going to run away when he gets scared. Is this not reasonable. I don't think he gets it. He says how I can I prove it to you if I don't see you. I said seeing you spending time is investing my feelings and its something I can't do till I am sure you are sure about this. I don't want in 3 months for you to get scared again and leave and just spending time with me isn't going to prove that because...that is how it went last time, and he still left again. He called a friend up and asked her what can I do to prove it to her. She told him you have to decide how important she is...

 

I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him..and he says he is sure also.

 

any advice...?

 

Again, talk to him about what exactly it is that you want him to do, and what exactly it is that you expect from him. He has a right to be uncomfortable in this situation, and I do not feel it is right for you to be inconsiderate of his feelings. Rings and vows are never final, and I hope you will keep that in mind. You may want to have this now, but you also have to respect his right to wait until he is comfortable.

 

For the time being, please discuss this bluntly with him. Ask "yes" or "no" questions, and give a chance for the both of you to explain how you feel, what you want, and what you may be concerned about.

[CurlyIam]

I'll tell you bluntly what I think. No matter how much you love eachother, no matter how much you want to work on it, once it's over, it's over.

 

I do not believe in second chances, although I try to be optimistic about it. But that's only my oppinion.

 

I was wodering about your need for reassurance - you yourself said that it's not getting married per se that you wanted, but a proof that he is serious and commited.

 

I don't think you can make people commit. They either do or they don't.

 

About marriage: I, personally, would never ask a guy to marry me. It is a hell of a respopsability, I am very scared of it, to tell you the truth. Tha't why I want him (would want him ) to want to get married to me just as luch as I did, if not more. IT's a thing you built together, the meaning are much stronger and much deeper than "if he gives me a ring I know he's not gonna leave".

 

 

 

You can ask him for an engagement ring and take it from there. If he's a commitmeant freak, it 'll scare him just as much, so there you have it!

[dlb311]

Ok I see your points. The thing is I am very confused. I know that I want to make sure he isn't going to leave. That is why me telling him to prove it and he has to find this on his own because I don't want him to feel pressured to ask me to marry him. I want him to want to. He says I am the one so why can't he? If I am that important to him? I know marriage is a big step and I know in some peopels minds they don't find it a forever thing they give up and walk away. I am not one of those people. He is one of them too except he is scared..and I don't know how to make him not scared. I am not sure if he is scared now. He told me he was...that is past tense. Not sure if he is now. But again after all he has put me through..I can't just take him back. Its not that easy.

 

I believe in second chances when its deserved because people are human and we all make mistakes. I know I gave him that second chance already. That is why its hard for me to consider the third. Although this time he sounds different. Last time he was still very unsure but didn't want to be without me. This time he says he is sure I am the one. "you don't know what you have till its gone". I love him and I want him in my life forever..I just don't want him to hurt me and leave me again because he is scared. I think more then a ring I need time to pass by and for him to show me that he is still around. I can't date him, at least yet. Because its to soon and that is to easy. One thing I learned is when something comes easy you don't appriciate it as much. I am not trying to play games or give him a lesson. I just want him to figure out it I am the one...then live his life like I am.

 

For myself I can't let myself be taken advantage of anymore. I know he loves me. I know this...I just need constant reasureance...and I don't think that is to much to ask since he left twice. And he said he totally understands and he says that he doesn't deserve me. That he will do whatever it takes to get me back. He also said he isn't sure I will take him back now but he knows in his heart he and I will be back together some day.

[CurlyIam]

I want him to want to. He says I am the one so why can't he? .... He is one of them too except he is scared..and I don't know how to make him not scared. I am not sure if he is scared now. He told me he was...that is past tense. Not sure if he is now.

 

Then let him know. It is very very hard, I know that putting it in words sounds much easier, but ... let him go. Don't put any pressure on him. If he comes back to you than you'll have him forever, if not... then you never did have him.

 

So stop everything. The calls, the rendez vous, the talks... You can't start fresh unless you've finished first. This is not about playing games or about giving him a lesson. This is about him making the most important decision of his life.

 

For myself I can't let myself be taken advantage of anymore. I know he loves me. I know this...I just need constant reasureance...and I don't think that is to much to ask since he left twice.

 

Of course you need reassurance, honey! He left you twice! What other woman in her right mind would not need reassurance?!? this is why your role is so much more difficult. Giving him up. Giving him space. When all you need is support from him.

 

 

 

And he said he totally understands and he says that he doesn't deserve me. That he will do whatever it takes to get me back. He also said he isn't sure I will take him back now

 

Whatever decision you make, think long and hard before you do it. And think exclusevely of yourself. Of what you want. Of what's best for you.

 

It sounds selfish, I know. In the relationship with my ex, a big part of my actions involving my relationship were out of guilt. He was very good a making me feel guilty. I would respond insantetly.that's manipulation, and happily, that's not your case. Anyway, long after I left him and long after my feelings of guilt for leaving him dissapeared, I understood that I had done the right thing. Not trying to "save the relationship", "do it for us", or forgive more for him... just thinking of what I wanted, what I needed.

 

You'll be happy and only then I think you can make the other person happy (something like you must love youself so that you can love anyone else).

 

but he knows in his heart he and I will be back together some day.

 

I hope this for you from all my heart!!!

[shopgrl]

Gosh, I know what you are going through.

 

I was in your shoes just two months ago when my ex came back to me. We broke up back in March because he started looking for a ring, then got "scared" and began acting differently. We agreed to break up because I was ready to move forward and he was "scared". My story is posted on the site so I don't want to get into it. But anyway, during the no contact break up I swore to myself that I would never ever take him back without a ring in hand.

 

BUT then the day came, six weeks after the break up, when he did come back, I was very hesitant, confused and scared. I didn't take him back right away. I decided not to demand a ring though for several different reasons. One being that a ring doesn't guarantee anything. Granted, I think it makes us girls feel more secure but a person can walk away from a fiance just as easy as he/she can walk away from a girlfriend/boyfriend. Also, I would never want to "pressure" someone into getting me a ring. It would be something that could be thrown into your face later. I want my future husband to want to marry me as much as I want to marry him. I don't ever want to hear the words, "I only got you a ring because you forced me too."

 

So my decision was to take him back with him knowing that I want to be married in the next few years. Before we got back together, I told him that I did not want to get back together with him unless he wanted the same things. He said he did. So here we are...dating again. I have never brought up marriage since that day nor will I. I am enjoying being his girlfriend right now. I have a time limit set in my head so that if I don't have a ring by that date then I'm gone for good. Of course I would never let him know that I've set this date. I know that sounds pretty sh*tty but where do you draw the line?? I've already dated him for almost 3 years and I'm not willing to be a life time girlfriend.

 

My advise to you would be this... do not demand a ring. I think you may regret it later.

[msrealdoll]

I feel like a couple on the brink of engagement should be more open and honest than you are right now. You want something specific from him-the ring-but don't feel comfortable asking for it. I can understand why you would want it to be his idea. That's an awfully big step, though-to go from broken up to engaged. He might think you may say no to such a leap. I think, given your history, you should both be as open as possible with each other.

 

You could come to regret demanding a ring from him. You mentioned you need constant reassurance. This makes me think you are justifiably insecure. If at some point in the future, you go through a rough patch, in an insecure state you might begin to wonder if the only reason he gave you the ring was because you insisted. You know how insecurity can make you paranoid and question everything. After all you've been through together, the gift of a ring should be a celebration-a symbol of the strength of your love and bond.

 

It may be hard, but should you choose to try it again, you're just going to have to trust him. All the rings in the world won't make you feel secure. But trust will. If you can't trust him, then you're probably not ready for a ring.

 

Good luck. You clearly love each other. I hope it works out for you both.