and Scared

[heartinajar]

Im sure many will be able to relate to my story and hopefully give me some good sound advice. At the beggining of March my wife sat down with me and after 12 yrs of marriage asked for a divorce. For me this was completley out of the blue and earth shattering.

 

She told me that Iam her best friend, a great lover, husband, father and great guy but for her the spark had been gone in our relationship and sh felt like we were more like roomates than husband and wife. I got the I love you but Im not in Love with you speech. Many seem to think that this is a indication of her cheating in some way. I know for a fact that she is not physically cheating, however I cannot say that emotionally she is or isnt. My wife holds her emotions very close to the vest and is good at concealing and avoiding emtions, however Ive seen her cry more in those fist few weeks than Ive seen her cry in almost 14 years. I feel there is still lover between us.

 

In our talks we decided that divorce atleast immdiatly was out of the question as we were very codependant finacialy and she set a date of July 1 to get our affairs in order before she leaves.

 

Now about 3 weeks ago she came to me and asked if we could seperate versus divorcing. I asked her why and she stated that she was confused and divorce was too final. I agreed to this thinking that there may be some hope to the siuation. We still sleep in the same bed kiss eaxh other say I love you and even had a brief romantic episode a few weeks ago.

 

We have two children 10 and 5. We told them about the seperation a week ago. She has since been collecting some second hand furniture which we have been painting. She doesnt plan on taking much of OUR things and seems to be content in finding furniture scraps to take with her. I dont know if this means she thinks nothing of the life we have put together and wants to start over from scratch or if she feels somewhere this may be temperary. We have even joked around about how if she comes back well have a great set for our sitting room upstairs or one heck of a garage sale..

 

In our talks she tells me when I act sad she feels like running into her sewing room and not coming out but when Iam to lovy she feels trapped and uncomfortable. So now I leave the I love you's to her first and kisses saved for when she initiates.

 

Talk about so many mixed signals. I for one decided that when she leaves I will date and try to make myself as happy as I can. The hurt is overwhelming however I keep on this bright smile to try and keep things light. Weve talked about the rules in our seperation or the lack thereof. Dating and sex are ok, obviously the rings will come off, however nothing in front of the children and no sleep overs.

 

I grin and bare these as I know the only hope of getting her back is to let her go and find out what she needs, and or wants. I dont plan on losing her without a fight but I guess in my mind the best thing I can do is give her time and space.

 

Iam so confused over all this and to think I have to deal with this for another 2+ months before she gets her apartment. Sorry for the long post. Any helpfull comments or suggestions would be very appreciated ty.

[Jstub]

I can definitely relate to your story. I too received the "I love you but not in love with you speech" and tons of mixed signals. Don't make the mistake of misinterpreting those signals. They are sent to make the transition easier (in her head), she feels guilty in some way and is trying to make you feel better (again, in her head). I can't tell you how your separation will end (divorce or reconciliation), but I can tell you that I received the same exact speech of oh divorce is too final, let's separate etc., let's see how we feel bla bla and after a few weeks of this, I am filing for divorce. I hope you get your wife back, if at the end of this separation you still want her. Good luck to you, I feel your pain.

[elfman]

Hey bud... Ohhh the "I love you but I'm not In Love with you" speech... That speech should be banned...

 

I have to tell you upfront, my own opinion right now may be biased, since my wife is checking out of our 10 year marriage in a "not-so-amiable" way. At first it started exactly as you describe your own situation... "you are great, you deserve better"... she even went as far as to compliment my physical endowment, (women know how to manage men).

 

After a couple of years of "working through it", when all the changes on my part were made... she dropped the bomb again, and this time, she made it clear by her actions that what she wanted was more Living La Vida Loca than anything else.

 

My advice, find out more... Find out what is going on, if anything, on the Wayward side (She might not be cheating, but if she is, it will put a whole different train on the tracks on your part). You have to be smart about it though, NEVER let her know you are snooping or doubting her...

 

Another thing to do is MC... clearly, I mention it because you did not say if you have ever done MC, and she "seems" to be the kind of person who might have a positive attitude toward it (by your story of how she is getting furniture, etc, she might be considerate of not destroying you as a means to get out of the marriage).

 

As a precaution, I believe the 180 is a very good strategy to convince a possible WAW of your worth, and if you start it early it might just bring her back running to you.

 

Keep updating this, so we can all help each other out during these rough times... it's been extremely helpful for me in making me see the big picture.

 

Wish you the best.

 

E.

Edited April 9, 2012 by elfman

[Woggle]

I would tell her that if she really wants to not be married you then you will give her the divorce as fast as possible. If she really cares for you this will be a shock to he system. Stop beating around the bush and give her what she wants.

[heartinajar]

In a scary twist she mentioned last night that one of her options she was thinking about was moving back home up north. Its about 3 hours away. I told her very calmly that for me this ist a option.

 

That if she try's and take my kids away from me I will fight it to the last penny. Ive been the main caregiver for my children over the past 3 years. I told her that if she tried that it would get very ugly between us.

 

Iam not going to have my kids for summers and holidays only...not going to happen. I asked here what my children did to her that she would rob them of there father ? Or what I did that she would take my children away ? I told here if she really felt that strongly about moving that she could and she could have the kids in the summer or holidays.... she didnt respond.

 

She has a great job here but hasnt been able to make any friends and I think she is scared of being alone. She told me she has her family up north and a good support structure however there are no jobs.

 

I Understand wanting the comfort of home during this time but it flys in the face of everything we have talked about. Through conversation I beleive we have worked it out where atleast initially while she has her apartment Ill make sure to take the kids so she can go home to her family atleast once a month. Its a small price to pay to keep my kids here. However I have a feeling that its very possible down the road if her feelings dont change that a year from now Ill have to get a lawyer... /sigh

 

I know she is stressed and scared about moving out but hey this is her choice, and I reminded her of that. We reviewed the things she is planning on taking and its very minimal. She say she only wants to take the essentials and nothing else. Atleast in this Iam comforted that I wont be losing my shirt when she leaves.

 

She seems so conflicted about everything atm. I mentioned counseling again and she is admant that couseling at this point would be a waste is there is nothing anyone could tell her that would change her mind. My wife is the most stubborn person I have ever known and I know once she has somthing set in her head about what she needs to do its pretty much game over.

 

Threatening divorce or withholding seperation unless certain conditions are met would be the worst thing I could do at this point. When my wife feels like she is backed into a corner she always comes out swinging. I feel my best and only hope is to keep it friendly while she is here and be light and positive when she leaves. I need her to understand I love her but I dont Need her.

 

I do very much appreciate all the comments

[g450]

I agree with many of the posts here.

A few points:

 

Dont say she is not cheating. You dont know that. Find out. Get a keylogger and a VAR or two. She wants to move up north. Really? Maybe there is something or someone up north she is conversing with or worse.

99% of the time when a woman is ready to leave, she already has someone as a backup. Especially when they give you the ILYBNILWY cop-out speech.

 

If she still loves you but there is no spark then why the rush to separate? What does she have to lose by staying with you? The answer is simple.

 

Ill tell you why. She wants to have sex with other men (that's what she means by spark). It's just that simple. Why else would she want to separate. Think about it. So if that's what she wants then go straight to divorce. Protect yourself. Why play head games with a separation unless the law there requires it for divorce. As somebody else has said, give her what she wants. She wants a divorce and she wants another man. Painful as that may be. All she is doing is trying to let you down slow and easy. Dont let her do that. She is trying to ease her own guilt. Nothing more.

 

See a lawyer. Find out if you can restrict how far she can take the kids away from you. Dont know the laws where you live.

 

Good luck. You will need it.

[2sure]

I have never heard or given the I love you I'm not in love with you speech.

 

Im thinking That unless my spouse could point to specific problems and also state why they simply could not be resolved or worked out...I'd call BS.

 

I would tell them I was sad but understood. I would explain that I no longer felt comfortable sharing a bed. I would begin the process of filing divorce and tell my spouse that I needed to see more action than her purchasing an old chair. FORWARD MOTION.

 

If she sees you are Willing to move forward with or without her...she may realize that possibly she is only bored with herself.

[elfman]

Hey bud,

 

180 and NC... You "love her but don't need her", she will not understand this by simple words, she will by actions. I agree you will need to keep it civil until she moves, I myself am trying this, but my wife is making it hard by going all Living la Vida Loca on me.

 

I would go to a lawyer with a free consultation at least ONCE right now. I would write down every question I have to really use that free hour and not have any doubts regarding things like:

 

- Possible evidence of support of my children, what do I need in case the court asks for proof, receipts, etc.

- Possible evidence that would help in securing my kid's geographic location, and possible defense against my wife wanting to move away.

- Proof of her not wanting to go to MC.

- It would not hurt to ask for an opinion regarding your financial obligations towards your kids and, more importantly, what your wife CAN take if the divorce were TODAY... aftr you get an opinion you can make arrangements to protect your assets for a worst case scenario.

 

All this does not mean that you are aiming for a divorce, but if it ends up being that way, you will have prepared for it.

 

I do not agree that all she wants is to "have sex with other men"... most women do not think of sex as the driving force of 99% of their thoughts, like most of us men do. But I would not discard the possibility of an EA or even a PA... has she given you any reason to doubt? Has her behavior changed in any way to indicate an affair as a possibility? Do not go head over heels trying to find out either, do it intelligently and DO NOT confront her after the first sign you find (if any), gather proof... I made this mistake once, and it only made her shut down all my means of finding out more.

 

Good luck...

 

E.

Edited April 12, 2012 by elfman

[PWSX3]

Your story is pretty common, most woman keep it inside they aren't happy & by the time they finally tell the man it's to late. Men feel if they give a woman a place to stay, food on the table & cloths on there back everything is fine, so when they get the "I love you, but not in love with you" speech they are blindsided.

 

If you are serious about the marriage I would highly suggest no dating or sex while separated, you are still married & I don't care how you powder coat it that is cheating period.

I dated while separated (no sex) & I wished I didn't because it does cloud your mind & thinking for down the road.

 

Second you said she doesn't do well sharing her emotions, that she hides them or keeps them close to her? That is an issue she needs to work on, but it's hard to tell someone that. Everyone has there own baggage they carry around that effects our future if we don't deal with it.

 

Just like with anything a relationship/marriage can get boring & people think there is something better out there for them. Your wife is being selfish & until she can realize this I don't think there is much you can do.

 

In my situation, we separated but ended up getting a divorce, but I used that time of separation to look at myself & see what things I could do better. It really is hard to realize you are wrong or that there are things you can do different & yes there are things I did or didn't do that lead to the divorce.

 

Separation is very confusing & there is no rule book you can go by. I would suggest you look at things you have done in the marriage, what could you do better? I really thought I did everything for my w, cause I provided but there is much more to a relationship then that. I would also suggest start reading, start learning. There are lots of great books, His needs, Her needs, The 5 love languages just for suggestions.

 

Someone told me the more you push the more they run. Think about when you chase a child they run but if you turn & walk away they come to you.

[heartinajar]

Well I got a key logger and found out my wife is in fact having a EA with a old friend. Looks like the seperation is setup so they can be together after she moves out.

 

I found out late last night Ive slept like 1 hour. The hurt is so overwhelming...... I havnt confronted her yet. I want to badly to find out wtf ! She has been lieing to me and going behind my back with emails and phone calls for about 6 months now.....

 

Should I wait and continue to collect evidence ? Is it even usefull in divorce proceedings ? If she is so goo goo over this guy why does she want to seperate rather than divorce ? I dont get her ? Is she trying to play me ?

 

I guess ill sound like a broken record here but I am soo totally shocked she is doing this. I never would of thought her capable. When should I confront her ? We still have 2 months before she moves out ? I dont want to turn my house into a cluster $%&&.

 

But I honestly dont know how long I can keep this to myself. Please Help.... !

[Steen719]

Well I got a key logger and found out my wife is in fact having a EA with a old friend. Looks like the seperation is setup so they can be together after she moves out.

 

I found out late last night Ive slept like 1 hour. The hurt is so overwhelming...... I havnt confronted her yet. I want to badly to find out wtf ! She has been lieing to me and going behind my back with emails and phone calls for about 6 months now.....

 

Should I wait and continue to collect evidence ? Is it even usefull in divorce proceedings ? If she is so goo goo over this guy why does she want to seperate rather than divorce ? I dont get her ? Is she trying to play me ?

 

She is trying to make sure she has a back-up plan. She also may be trying to ease into it so she can keep the kids and keep you appeased that it might be an easier transition for her.

 

I guess ill sound like a broken record here but I am soo totally shocked she is doing this. I never would of thought her capable. When should I confront her ? We still have 2 months before she moves out ? I dont want to turn my house into a cluster $%&&.

Why do you need to wait 2 months?

 

But I honestly dont know how long I can keep this to myself. Please Help.... !

 

Sorry, heartinajar. It just stinks to be hurt this way.

 

 

I guess, given my experiences, if she could leave sooner and you could have your kids, I would tell her you know and that you understand she wants to be with another man, so you want her to find happiness and you and she will divorce, not separate. It might wake her up and it might not, but being nice to her, acting upset, caving in to her wishes will not help you. Tell her that you will keep the kids, she can leave immediately and if you have to move into another house, move now. She can go sooner if it she that has an apartment. She can find another one or go stay with the OM until she can get in her apartment.

 

Don't cave in, cry in front of her or act upset. You will be feeding into what she wants. Tell her now.....GO and be with your love. Leave me and the kids here and we can file for divorce. See what she says. It might be that she will have an epiphany or she might just go, Either way, you do not have her right now. Good luck.

[g450]

Sorry to hear it HIAJ.

 

Your story is similar to my own. That's why when I read your OP it sent up a slew of red flags. In my case I did not find out about the OM until after she divorced me. I did have a gut feeling though. And common sense prevails, why leave if you have nothing to lose? And if you have nothing to lose why not stay and at least try right? Almost always is an OM in the picture somewhere sadly.

 

You probably cant use your info to your advantage in court but it was still necessary to find out about the OM. Having all the facts will help you to know what your next move is. Doesnt hurt to ask your lawyer about the info though.

 

As others have stated. If it were me I would confront her. Tell her you know about OM and tell her she has two choices. Either stop all contact with him and work on the marriage or she can start packing her crap to be with him and you will divorce her.

 

Time for you to be strong for yourself and your child. I know your hurting Bro. Hang in there. Contact a lawyer and start separating accounts to protect yourself.

[health]

Man, it's like this.

 

If you're gonna do the separation set the rules if you don't want her to sleep with someone else during that separation.

 

Alot of woman say that - just to test the waters and then come back home safely - which can end up runing the marriage.

 

I hate that I'm not in love with you crap.

 

And that lingering ya maybee emotional, but ready to jump into a physical.

 

Basically I don't know how you feel about cheating.

 

But If this were me - and she slept with another man?

 

I'd cut her off fast and start rebuilding my life as hard as that is.

 

I say try to fix it and see what you can do - try your best to salvage it so at least you know you gave it your all.

[health]

Man I just read the second part where you said she's been talking to a guy.

 

I say, learn what works in divorce court to your advantage.

 

**** this ****....I'm so mad at her on your behalf.

 

I've read so many stories on here, and please don't be the guy who takes her back.

 

Be the guy who lets go - ends up growing and finding a good woman

 

while your ex wife is miserable and full of regrets.

 

I don't know what to say.

[HeyThere]

hiaj,

 

Sorry to hear what you're reporting.

 

What I read is your wife is emotionally closed off to herself and the rest of the world as well. She is in denial about the issues and they're in her head not willing to come out, OR she's told you and you're not willing to listen. Either way the communication is weak. She's checked out a long time ago.

 

It's usually the unhappy person that moves out and she sounds unhappy.

 

Good luck.

[heartinajar]

Another update:

I confronted her about the EA she was having with a man from her past. They have cut it off. I asked her if she wanted a Divorce that I would give her one. She is adamant that she just wants to seperate and figure things out.

 

The odd thing is we are getting along great atm. We even had sex this weekend. However it seems no matter what I do or how well we are getting along she has it set in her head she needs to leave to figure things out.

 

I am not pressing her in fact I have been helping her in garage saling in picking things out for her apartment. She jokes Im trying to get ride of her but I am just trying to keep things positive and our marriage in a good light.

 

We have talked and Ive taken responsibility for my part in how our marriage has come to this. She has as well. I feel like there is a chance we can reconcile at some point. She admits she still loves me very much and that she just needs some time and space.

 

This is such a roller coaster ride. Not sure if she is leaving june or july 1 just depends on when she can get a first floor apartment. ugh

[Snowflower]

Another update:

I confronted her about the EA she was having with a man from her past. They have cut it off. I asked her if she wanted a Divorce that I would give her one. She is adamant that she just wants to seperate and figure things out.

 

The odd thing is we are getting along great atm. We even had sex this weekend. However it seems no matter what I do or how well we are getting along she has it set in her head she needs to leave to figure things out.

 

I am not pressing her in fact I have been helping her in garage saling in picking things out for her apartment. She jokes Im trying to get ride of her but I am just trying to keep things positive and our marriage in a good light.

 

We have talked and Ive taken responsibility for my part in how our marriage has come to this. She has as well. I feel like there is a chance we can reconcile at some point. She admits she still loves me very much and that she just needs some time and space.

 

This is such a roller coaster ride. Not sure if she is leaving june or july 1 just depends on when she can get a first floor apartment. ugh

 

heartinajar, you are being way TOO NICE!

 

You are actually helping her pick out things for her apartment? Why? From a woman's point of view, these types of actions don't lead to her respecting you.

 

Don't you have better ways to spend your weekends than going to sales with her? I am on the opposite side of the fence as you and it was my H who suddenly wanted to explore the single life. I told him, fine, go and he did but I did not help him find an apartment or buy things for his place.

 

Next weekend, go do your own thing and/or take the kids and go do something with them. Don't help your wife out any more. She will lose even more respect for you. She wants to move out, then she can put on her big girl panties and take care of what she needs to do.

 

I would also press her for a move-out date. Tell her you need to know so that you can plan accordingly.

 

Look up the 180...it is very effective in these types of situations.

 

But seriously, being the nice guy is not going to help here.

[Broken-N-VA]

SnowFlower

 

Can you direct us to the "180" I cant seem to find a thread on it.

 

I'm dealing with something very similar, although my wife left 2 weeks ago.

 

Thanks

[Snowflower]

Google "180 and save your marriage" or something similar. You will see tons of hits.

 

There are even you tube videos about it.

 

Really, it is a list of several actions to take/not take or more accurately, behaviors to adopt to save a marriage.

 

It is very counter-intuitive and difficult.

 

 

 

It doesn't always work but it allows the spouse who is being left to retain some dignity and gives them some coping skills.

 

Sometimes, the 180 has the added benefit of getting the spouse who wants to leave to rethink things.

 

Either way, it is a win-win for the spouse who is being left.

[IntoTheAbyss]

heartinajar .. i have to agree, you are being way too nice for someone who was told the lines you were told. now isn't the time to be overly nice because they don't see it for anything other than a back to walk on while they search for what they want.

 

i let my stbxw come back after she left, she gave me the 'i love you, but i'm not in love with you' .. 'you have been my bestfriend and i dont want to lose you' .. 'i'm not happy with myself, i want to be happy' .. all the lines, i got them all 'i just need space' etc etc. then a few days later shes crying she wants to come back and i let her .. then for the next 3 weeks she just walked all over me. eventually i flipped and booted her out.

 

if you really want her back, as hard as it is, you have to let her go! let her do it all on her own. she doesn't want to be with you (even if shes confused at the moment) so why are you helping her transition. she needs to know how rough it is by herself.

 

after my stbxw left the second time it just catapaulted her in the direction she is going now. she got a job, goes out all the time and is very much so having an EA. the seperation has only been for 2 months and she considers herself single.

 

i feel for you because i also have 2 younger kids and that is what is killing me the most out of all of this. when she takes them for her week she doesnt seem to do anything with them. my daughter didnt even want to go last night but i talked her into it. then this morning my stbxw didnt even bring her backpack (cant get it because she lives 30m away) .. didnt even read the book in there. all she does is sit on her computer, or voice chat with her data plan to her EA.

 

its seriously gut wrenching. i have been trying the 180 and all it has seemed to do is push her even further away. one of her problems with me was that i was 'lazy and didnt take any control' .. well thats what ive done now, ive taken control (in front of her at least) of the divorce, seperating everything and she doesnt seem to even recognize any of it. the only thing she has noticed and commented on is the fact that i dont say hi or bye to her anymore. im not being mean, im excited when i see the kids and when they go, but as soon as that car door closes i have nothing else to say.

 

so pretty much, you cant be reading into what she is saying. if she wants to seperate, move away and find all new furniture, then let her .. on her own. dont hold her hand to the exit on your marriage, it wont do you any good. it will just drag things out longer.

[heartinajar]

I appreciate the feedback. I contemplated the 180 when I confronted my wife. I have read alot about the 180 and other methods of how to deal with a seperation.

 

In the end I decided that seperating on a negative tone would actually make it easier on her. I instead am trying a different tact. I have recognized my own faults in what I have done in our marriage and I am activley changing certain things about myself such as working out taking better care of myself spending more time with my family ect...

 

I want nothing but positives in our life and in our childrens life. I can tell this is having a effect on her and making things not so easy for her.

 

I do not beg or plead for her not to go. I stated blankly when asked that of course I dont want her to leave but she has to do what she feel she needs. I have been reading a book called the magic of making up, and so far it really hasnt steared me wrong.

 

When she leaves I have every intention of giving her space and allowing her to see how hard being a single parent of two small children really is. Make no mistake I love my wife with every fiber of my being but I agree there has to come a point when you have to let go and let them find out what it is they need.

 

Do not take my kindness for weakness, I have a plan and I am following it to a T. So far it's working as intended. But when dealing with emotions and woman (in general) it is such a slippery slope. One man's 180 of success turns into another mans failed attempt.

 

You all maybe right maybe when deciding what path to use in getting my wife to wake up I choose poorly.... only time will really tell. All I can say for now is we have had some really good talks about communicating and have openly discussed what we can do differently in the future if that is what we choose. The mood in the home has changed and for once I actually feel reconciliation may be possible.

 

 

I truly appreciate the comments

[heartinajar]

today we seperated the accounts. Kind of sad as things move along. The ETA for moving out is still July 1st. We are supposedly using this time to learn to manage our money before seperating.

Which I do actually kind of need considering early on in our marriage we discussed finances and she has been doing them for the last 12 years lol.

Learning to manage my own money will take some getting used to.

 

She feels overwhelming guilt right now and even though I tell her Im ok, she seems to be having a rough time of things. We had a conversation last night where she mentioned moving to another bedroom and us co parenting again.

 

I told her that if her intention was to date that I coudnt live like that and that unless she was staying to work on us then she still needs to go.

 

Its kind of odd in that she says the one thing we are missing is that spark of attraction and yet two weeks in a row we have had sex, she chaulks it up to just being horny pffft who knows......Im over trying to figure out her head and Im just going with the flow.

 

I just try and keep it positive, and make sure if indeed it comes to her leaving she is leaving under the most positive way possible. I feel like she is struggling with the grass is greener concept. /shrug my game plan is to keep it light and positive and then when she leaves give her all the space she needs to figure things out.

[jwi71]

HIAJ,

 

I'm not sure you fully realize what is going on here.

 

Your W is having an A and wants to move out and take your children with her to be near her OM. And while it's debatable if your W has slept with him as of now it is NOT debatable that EA's usually become PA's. Especially if she has moved three hours away (and closer to her OM).

 

So, before I go further, what do you want here?

 

Do you want to save your M?

Or allow her OM to play H to her and father to your kids?

(and make no mistake about it, that's exactly what will happen)

[heartinajar]

HIAJ,

 

I'm not sure you fully realize what is going on here.

 

Your W is having an A and wants to move out and take your children with her to be near her OM. And while it's debatable if your W has slept with him as of now it is NOT debatable that EA's usually become PA's. Especially if she has moved three hours away (and closer to her OM).

 

So, before I go further, what do you want here?

 

Do you want to save your M?

Or allow her OM to play H to her and father to your kids?

(and make no mistake about it, that's exactly what will happen)

 

 

Her EA was over before I confronted her. She is moving 3 Minutes away. My wife and I talked that if either of us get romantically involved with anyone they are not to be around the kids. Especially if the OM comes back into her life, (never know when there lieing) so I made sure to emphasize that IF he came back into her life he was not to be around me or my children, or things will get physical. She had no problem with this at all.

 

Yes I want to save my marriage

[jwi71]

Her EA was over before I confronted her. She is moving 3 Minutes away. My wife and I talked that if either of us get romantically involved with anyone they are not to be around the kids. Especially if the OM comes back into her life, (never know when there lieing) so I made sure to emphasize that IF he came back into her life he was not to be around me or my children, or things will get physical. She had no problem with this at all.

 

Yes I want to save my marriage

 

Ok, save your M it is.

 

I do not think that separation will help. In fact, it's more likely to hasten D than anything else. IMO, a trial separation is the LAST desperate attempt to save a M - not the first. This is less likely an attempt to save the M and more likely and effort to remove you from her life and thoughts (out of sight out of mind). Also note that with her on her own, she may easily re-engage the OM. I have a suspicion this is the case. Coincidentally, it also neatly explains why she switched from D to separation. She wants to toe dip a life w/o you (likely with the OM) and if it doesn't work she can easily come back (life w/o you sux, I came home when really the OM didn't work out).

 

I fairly certain separation creates a larger divide.

 

I would demand MC and IC for you each as well. I would suggest different therapists for each for a total of three. Allow them to talk and exchange notes.

 

Disclose her A to friends and family. Do NOT lie about this. She wanted a D to be with the OM. She won't like it and you may be embarrassed about it but it's an important and necessary step. Nothing kills an A like disclosure. And nothing helps snap a WS out of the fog like disclosure as well.

 

Investigate the OM. If married, inform his W and send proof. If not, tell him to stay away or else.

 

Audit the finances. Demand her paystubs and get busy - look for missing money.

 

Look, I hate to say it but DON'T trust your W. Not now. She's showing classic A fog behavior.

 

Get a lawyer. Hire one. Pay the retainer. Hear the law from an expert in your location.

 

Get an STD test. Demand one of her. Its a stupid risk to take on your part and she as heck won't admit to a PA. Do it. Demand the same of your WW.

 

Do believe your W has a plan. She does. You are likely to say "no" to this but you only just found out she was cheating too. You do not fully know what she is capable of. She is not necessarily your friend now (foggy thinking).

 

The name of the game is "Trust, but verify".

 

Keep posting. Take advice that resonates with you but consider it all.