Are we friends or more?

[rogerwaters]

Greetings everyone!

I hope you all will be able to help me with a problem I'm facing. I am stuck with this one girl. I think it might be oneitis, but please read on to determine what actually the problem might be.

 

I am in love with this girl since the last 10 years. We both come from a conservative family from an Asian country, so the conventional dating rules don’t apply well in our context. I have a crush on her since high school. At that time she didn't know me, but alas I told her that I liked her and she declined the offer of a friendship. No contact for 4 years and then I saw her once at a local store and I was smitten all over again. I tried to initiate contact by IM. And we would chat for a few minutes every day. That lasted for about a month. I thought she was beginning to know me and I wanted to know her better. So I made up and excuse to meet her and we had coffee and then I blew it again by telling her I liked her. She said “she wasn’t interested in a relationship” and smiled. She had a lot going on her mind at that time and I know it wasn’t the right time and place to ask her, but I regrettably did that. I asked her if we could stay as friends and she agreed.

 

After that, both of us came to the U.S for further education. We exchanged phone numbers and we started talking over the phone. The frequency increased and we talked about everything from friends, family, personal lives to studies and so on. I noticed that she remembered small details about me from our school times which I saw as an indicator of interest (IOI). She would playfully tease me by calling names and even compliment me on my smartness. We met once last year for a hangout when I was visiting the place where she lived. It turned out pretty well and after that our frequency of conversation over the phone increased to about once every week. I wasn’t the only one doing all the contacting. She would call me as often as I did. We even used to chat on IM frequently.

 

Fast forward to six months later and I learned that she was going on a vacation with her friends and I basically invited myself. She immediately agreed and helped me arrange the tickets and seemed to be very enthusiastic about the whole trip. But during the trip, she gave me the cold shoulder. She wouldn’t talk, laugh or even answer some of my simplest questions. I thought there was something bothering her, so I asked, but she wouldn’t reply. She remained aloof as if to show that she has no interest in me whatsoever. Her friends were immature morons who would constantly tease both of us and her in particular saying that she has the hots for me. I ignored them completely, but was devastated to see why she would do that to me after being so friendly in the first place. After the trip was over, I did not contact her for a week and then she called me up and I swear to God that I could figure out from the tone of her voice that she was feeling guilty about what she did. So I asked her what went wrong and again, she said nothing was wrong. She in fact said that there was nothing that she had done wrong and told me that such petty things happen sometimes. She again started to be in contact and for a while I was in a state of total confusion as to what is she trying to achieve by pulling these stunts.

 

We are still in contact, but I cannot decide if (a) she likes me only as a friend (b) she likes me but is playing hard to get © she is using me to get attention. All this while, there have been many IOIs like flirting, noticing small details about me, remembering my important days and so on. I know I’m desperately infatuated by her and believe me I’ve tried to change, but can’t get over her. I just want to know where is this heading. Both of us are generally shy people with no experience in prior relationships and little experience in dealing with the opposite sex. She has never used the word 'friend' in describing our relationship. e.g. "You are such a good friend". This led me to believe she might be considering me but is not sure yet. Both of us are studying in different schools here and are generally kept busy and so meeting up with her is possible at the most twice a year.

 

I’m sorry for the length of this question, but would really appreciate any feedback that you can provide for this devastated poor soul. Thanking you in advance.

[spiderowl]

The only thing you can do is to ask her out as a date and make it clear it's a date. If she says no and there is no good reason why (like a definite prior appointment and a willingness to re-arrange the date with you), then she's not interested in a romantic relationship with you. I know you want her to be. She has turned her back on you several times already and this is not good. You are a link from home and she must be homesick at times, but do not misinterpret this as anything more than a friendship. A friend remembers birthdays - well some do, depending on their diligence in this matter - so again, this does not mean she wants a romance with you. If you ask her out, at least you will know for sure and then may be able to move on if she says no.

 

I know it's hard as you've invested so much emotional energy in this woman. It's hard to believe sometimes that one can feel so strongly that a person is perfect for us and makes us happy and yet to understand that they don't feel the same thing.

[rogerwaters]

I agree with what you've said. But, asking her out is not an option for me, well, at least for not for now. I have to complete my masters and I was thinking of telling her about my feelings then. She doesn't have a boyfriend and has never had one before. She will most likely seek an arranged marriage. I've done a lot of nice things to her to show that I'm a good person, which I would've done for any other girl too (if I was interested in her). She definitely knows that I really like her and she even blushed when her friends were teasing her about our friendship. Maybe I'm reading too much into things, but as you said, it is hard not to do so when you've invested a decade of your life in one person. It is hard to determine whether or not she is showing signs of interest or am I misinterpreting things. She knows that sooner or later I am going to tell her about my feelings for her. The worst part is that I can't stop thinking about her. And the indecision - whether or not we will end up together - is killing me from the inside.