She was everything I had now left with no friends, no hobbies etc

[sam2012]

Hi

 

 

It’s been a few months since I broke up with my gf of 2 years who was literally my whole life. Everything I did was with her.

 

 

 

Before I was with her I spent pretty much all of my time alone. I had no hobbies. All of my friends have moved away etc. I was very shy and withdrawn then, I still am now.

 

 

Now 2 years later I am back as I was. I’m 26 with a job I work from home for. Have nO hobbies, no friends, very shy and withdrawn. Yet now I have the memories of her.

 

 

 

Every single thing I see or do reminds me of a certain time with her when we did something together, we spoke about, she said etc.

 

 

 

I walk around like a shell ready to just break down at the any moment one of these specific memories come to mind (I don’t actually do this).

She still dominates my thoughts. Just little things she said to me, e.g. being soulmates and clearly now it isn’t to be. I had pinned my whole future on this very thing.

 

 

I can accept that we are not going to be together. But it’s the memories and the unfulfilled promises we made to each other that are killing me.

 

 

I can’t begin to think of doing anything without her. Even if I could think of something to do, a hobby, meet other people etc (although I find this almost impossible) I just don’t want to. I can’t see anyone or anything replacing her. The idea of even going out and trying something new fills me with sadness that it’s not time I am spending with her.

 

 

 

I just don’t know what to do now. I’m so lonely without her.

[robkris8079]

was the reason you broke up because you were just feeding off of her life instead of having your own? I myself have done this but not to an extent you speak of.

 

You need to find a hobby. Once you do the friends will come. Go to the gym, go out to the bars/clubs/restaurants. Hell you are 26 years old, live life!

 

I had cars as my hobby. Had a nice turbo car and sold it because it got old and bought a POS, good only for gas mileage, people hauler. Worst mistake I ever did. This took me out of the circle of friends I had as I really had no more in common. Well so I thought. Since I broke up with my ex I still have the crappy car but hanging with all my car buds again. I still worked on cars, like with my bro and my ex's but it wasn't the same.

 

I'm now working on getting my motorcycle license. I will always love cars but they are much more expensive then the bikes i'm looking into and I still have my car guys but will be introduced to even more people now in the bike world.

 

You need to set some goals for yourself. Get out there and talk to people. Girls, guys, whoever! If you feel the need to latch onto someone do it with a long time buddy and make friends through them. Making friends only through a significant other doesn't work so well.

[sam2012]

Yeah pretty much that. Eventually I got boring I suppose.

 

I know I need a hobby I just can't face it. I can't do anything without the thought of her (or the memories) getting me down. Before her my boring life was ok but now the memories of her are maing my life seem worthless.

[Starman8]

Hey man, you gotta pull yourself together. I understand how you feel and am dealing myself with a failed relationship. Healing takes time.

 

On the other hand, you need to be a man and start taking some action. Start small, take baby steps. What you need most of all right now is some confidence. I suggest going to gym or exercising to get that. Not only does it benefit your health, but you are constantly shattering goals, and it helps improve the way you look.

 

And just because you are shy doesn't mean you have to stay at home. Get out there and enjoy life. Take photographs, visit a museum, ask someone how their day is going. Remember, just a little at a time.

 

Most importantly, start living for yourself. Relationships are ruined when a partner feels the weight of the other partners constant needs. It's unattractive to both men and women.

 

Become the man you'd want to date if you were a woman. You can do it!!! But you have to get up and start feeling some power. Don't sell yourself short or make excuses for yourself. You are in control!!!

 

I wish you the best!

[Mr Scorpio]

Sam, how were you doing two months ago? How were you doing one month ago? I'm guessing not as well as you are doing now? Healing takes time. Given your shyness, it will likely take you longer than others. The only thing that can speed up your healing is you.

 

Like the others said, set small goals. Get a haircut, buy a new shirt, force yourself to strike up a conversation with someone. Small steps.

[blindnowisee]

Hate to say this.. but see title.. that's why it didn't work out.

 

Never sacrifice your own personality / life for someone else - let that be the one lesson you take away from this. I know because I was there as well. Live life to the fullest, enjoy every single day, grow as a person and eventually you will find someone to complement your happiness - not be the only source of your happiness.

[bradc]

Get a life Sam. You're 26, you've got your whole life ahead of you.

 

..and stop blaming her for your loneliness and misery...you're choosing to live that way.

 

Seriously, go out, join a club, get involved in sports..in short get a life!

[BewitchedandBothered]

Hi

 

 

It’s been a few months since I broke up with my gf of 2 years who was literally my whole life. Everything I did was with her.

 

 

 

Before I was with her I spent pretty much all of my time alone. I had no hobbies. All of my friends have moved away etc. I was very shy and withdrawn then, I still am now.

 

 

Now 2 years later I am back as I was. I’m 26 with a job I work from home for. Have nO hobbies, no friends, very shy and withdrawn. Yet now I have the memories of her.

 

 

 

Every single thing I see or do reminds me of a certain time with her when we did something together, we spoke about, she said etc.

 

 

 

I walk around like a shell ready to just break down at the any moment one of these specific memories come to mind (I don’t actually do this).

She still dominates my thoughts. Just little things she said to me, e.g. being soulmates and clearly now it isn’t to be. I had pinned my whole future on this very thing.

 

 

I can accept that we are not going to be together. But it’s the memories and the unfulfilled promises we made to each other that are killing me.

 

 

I can’t begin to think of doing anything without her. Even if I could think of something to do, a hobby, meet other people etc (although I find this almost impossible) I just don’t want to. I can’t see anyone or anything replacing her. The idea of even going out and trying something new fills me with sadness that it’s not time I am spending with her.

 

 

 

I just don’t know what to do now. I’m so lonely without her.

 

Egads, man! This is what happens when you make your life all about someone else and not YOU. You depended on her wayyyyy too much that you forgot to have a life of your own. Was it love? or was it dependence on another for your happiness? Is this why she broke up with you? You need to have that alone time to find what makes YOU tick. Volunteering can definitely help you find yourself while helping others, and you will have a social circle. But....Do not ever depend on another for your happiness. Seems you relied on her way too much; she did not hang the moon.

[Philosoraptor]

I was here once. Start researching hobbies and bucket list ideas. Figure out what interests you and just give it a try. It really helped me get through something similiar to this.

 

Consider yourself a blank canvas, you are free to make yourself whomever you want to be. Do you want to be someone who was dependent on someone else? Make yourself an island that you are happy with, and you will find that other people want to visit that happy island.

[SilverBlueAndGold]

Never sacrifice your own personality / life for someone else - let that be the one lesson you take away from this. I know because I was there as well. Live life to the fullest, enjoy every single day, grow as a person and eventually you will find someone to complement your happiness - not be the only source of your happiness.

 

These are very wise words. It's all too easy to wrap yourself up in somebody else and at the time it feels good. But it is actually not very healthy; if we put everything we are into one thing/person and we lose that, we are in a world of hurt.

 

It's easier said than done, and I am still reeling from it but there is definitely a lesson to take away here.

[perryb13]

This is sad, because I realized that I did with my most recent ex-gf. Only saw her for a year, but I literally was sacrificing my school and all of the self-interests to make her happy. And what did I get for it? As soon as I wanted to do one thing for myself, she turned on me and I was forced to break up with her. There is a valuable lesson to be learned here.

[Mr Scorpio]

This is sad, because I realized that I did with my most recent ex-gf. Only saw her for a year, but I literally was sacrificing my school and all of the self-interests to make her happy. And what did I get for it? As soon as I wanted to do one thing for myself, she turned on me and I was forced to break up with her. There is a valuable lesson to be learned here.

 

Why were you forced to? I'm not doubting that you were, just wondering why you were.

[perryb13]

Why were you forced to? I'm not doubting that you were, just wondering why you were.

 

Oh, because she didn't have the grapes to do it, she just decided that she would no longer be affectionate and be a total C-word all day. She would've probably started sleeping around, she had a history of doing that once her relationships went south. Instead of ending it in a humane way, she'd just let it bleed out while she messed around with her next love interest. :/

 

Now that I think about it, I was the first boyfriend that actually broke up with her. I'm pretty sure every other one she just jerked along until she found someone else. You'd think I would've used my brains and seen that she wasn't going to change, even for me...but unfortunately I tend to get caught up in the moment, especially with a girl.

Edited April 10, 2012 by perryb13
Elaborating

[robkris8079]

pretty much what I did. Mine wasn't a bitch really, well she had a couple of moments she would be bitchy. Mostly just avoided me. You think that would be hard living together but nope. Just really wouldn't come home on the weekends. I did try and get it out of her what was wrong. I made attempts to figure it out. But her answers were so bad it turned my stomach. She was totally done with me. And the way she was acting was someone I just didn't want.

[g450]

All good advice here Sam. I was also co-dependant on my XW. Funny how we dont realize this sometimes. But in my case it was not just my wife, it was my Son. Unfortunately for me I lost my XW and Son grew up and moved on with his life as well so it was a double barrel shot to the heart for me.

 

One thing I would like to add: Once you kickstart your new life, dont make the same mistake. Even if you get married again, have YOUR OWN life!

 

You can love another person and still be detached enough to love YOURSELF as well. I cant stress this enough.

 

I was a shell of a man as well but it only lasted about six months and then I started doing things like going out dancing, drinking and meeting new people, including some nice and not so nice women (be careful out there).

I also started some old hobbies back up like online gaming. Although that one I dont recomend as it was a thorn in the side of my first marriage LOL.

 

Now I have a fiance and I just bought my first motorcycle as a 50th birthday gift to myself LOL.

 

You will get there man. Look at it this way. You are free to do anything you want. The possibilities are endless.

[sam2012]

Hi Everyone

 

Thanks for all the replies.

 

I know that's what I need to do but like I said it's not that I gave up my life to be with her, it's that I just didn't have much of a life to begin with.

 

And now it's just impossible for me to even think of doing something without her. The memory of knowing her I suppose is making every single thing I do now seem worthless, e.g. Work stuff I'm not interested, TV, not interested.

 

I know I need to pull myself together, I’m still young and can go out into the world and find loads of stuff to interest me but right now the idea of doing even the greatest thing seems pointless without her.

[Mr Scorpio]

I know I need to pull myself together, I’m still young and can go out into the world and find loads of stuff to interest me but right now the idea of doing even the greatest thing seems pointless without her.

 

You know what is pointless? Limiting yourself as a result of your pain. Now is when you need to be kind to yourself. At first, that might mean lying in bed with the blinds drawn. And sure, everyone heals at their own pace. But what you are -- or aren't -- doing is not going to help you heal.

 

You dont want to wake up one day at 30 or 40 and realize that you wasted years of what could have been happy memories. Trust me. That realization can be more painful then what you are going through now.

[silvermane187]

And now it's just impossible for me to even think of doing something without her. The memory of knowing her I suppose is making every single thing I do now seem worthless, e.g. Work stuff I'm not interested, TV, not interested.

 

I know I need to pull myself together, I’m still young and can go out into the world and find loads of stuff to interest me but right now the idea of doing even the greatest thing seems pointless without her.

 

I've felt this same way for almost 2 years now. The difference is after the first few months of hitting rock bottom I started doing things I enjoy and dealing with the sense of loss of having her not there. I haven't had the chance to do anything big yet like travel around Europe for a couple months, but I've done a lot of minor things that are good steps. The hardest part is the first step. Once you gain some momentum you'll have an easier time working thru the sense of missing her whenever you're out doing something that makes you happy.