The unknown role the betrayed spouse plays in the"affair"!

[bentnotbroken]

Exactly. And another common thing I see on LS is people who say things like, "I never cheated, even though I had opportunities!" Well, if someone has had "opportunities," then chances are they weren't exactly acting 100% like a married person. At least I've never thought it was common for people to be randomly propositioned without doing anything first. And in my mind, contemplating cheating and choosing not to is different than never contemplating cheating at all.

 

And I'm willing to bet that there are plenty of people out there (not necessarily on LS) that will rally against cheating, but will keep there own marriage sexless or belittle their spouses or neglect their spouses.

 

So yes, houses in order are a good thing.

 

 

 

Should punishments then be equal? If there are no degrees of wrong and everything is black and white, then maybe the person who goes a few miles over the speed limit should face the same punishment as the person who kills, since they have both broken the law.

 

 

I would like the address the fact that I had opportunities to cheat. I wasn't acting married or unmarried. But I do not have control over those who feel the attempt to cross my boundaries. When conversations took turns that I was uncomfortable with...I put a stop to them. When a touch was inappropriate, I said so. My actions mean that the opportunity that was presented was not acted upon by me. I feel certain that most if not all people have been placed in this position, some let things progress and blossom into an affair, others said No and moved on. That is called a choice.

 

Just for the record, sometimes those sexless marriages are due to the abuse(verbal or emotional) that gets heaped them. Kind of hard to allow a penis to entire your vagina when you hear the words about how stupid you are playing in your head. Or his penis dies withing 2 minutes of trying to do the job. Why bother? And yes, some of us live our lives making poor choices and others live their lives by not looking to one up their partner by cheating and claiming neglect. Neglect...yes I was. Choices..yes he and I made very different ones. One put both our lives in danger and the other put only my own in danger.

[Spark1111]

maybealone,

 

I disagree that if you have been repeatedly propositioned you must have been either hanging out at a wrong type of place, or giving off signals of availability.

 

I am in a long term marriage and have never cheated on my H!

 

Throughout my marriage lots of men have propositioned me in ordinary places of business. I have even received 2 serious marriage proposals during my marriage.(from men I have never done anything with)

 

Men are attracted to my bubbly personality, even though I am only average looking. I am a kind, sweet, easy going person who loves life.

 

I totally agree with this. Been propositioned as a married woman more times than I could count.

 

Once, while very pregnant, by a man claiming to be my H's friend. Needless to say we ended the friendship.

 

What can I say? Many men can be dogs.

[Spark1111]

This is my cheating sister's favorite quote to recite. Too bad with all the bible reading she does and praying in church she really does not understand it.

 

Judge Not, Least Ye Be Judged Yourself

One of the best known and most misunderstood Scriptures is from Matthew.

 

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." (Matthew 7:1-5).

 

If Matthew 7:1-5 is read carefully, one can notice that it is addressed to a hypocrite. Instead of being a deterrence against honestly judging, it is a warning against hypocritical judgment. The last statement of this Scripture commands sincere, honest judgment. If a verse or a part of a verse is taken out of its setting, then it can be made to appear to teach the opposite of what it really means. It is easy to misquote almost anything to produce a desired effect or opinion. Misstating God’s word, however, is morally wrong.

 

Many who quote, "Judge not," out of its context, do so in order to promote their own activities or sins. They do not see their own inconsistency in thus judging those who obey God's Word about judging what is untrue. Much that is anti-Scriptural has found shelter behind a misuse of the words of the bible. It has been used as an excuse to let people do what they wish without the oversight of God’s Law. The greatest danger of our day is not too much judging, but too little judging of morality, character and spiritual nature.

 

Love it!

 

Also, the quoted "ad nauseum," "Let he without sin cast the first stone."

 

As if, repeating the same mistakes over and over gives one a continually absolving 'Get out of Jail Free' card.

 

The parable ends with Christ admonishing the sinner, after saving her life, to "go and sin no more."

 

I don't see too much gray there, do you?

 

I think it is closer to a one-shot mistake deal than continuous forgiveness because one claims to "see shades of gray" or promotes their own moral code as the 'right' one, or just needs us all to cut them some slack because it is to hard to live an honorable, do no harm to others, kind of life.

[maybealone]

Okay, I stand corrected on the propositioning. My definition of "opportunities to cheat" are just different from the others here. Going by the definitions here, yes, most people have the opportunity to cheat.

 

Just for the record, sometimes those sexless marriages are due to the abuse(verbal or emotional) that gets heaped them. Kind of hard to allow a penis to entire your vagina when you hear the words about how stupid you are playing in your head.

 

That's one of my points. Why don't people look at a story like this and say the husband should have had the "common decency" to leave his wife before treating her so badly? If she falls out of love and thinks about moving on to other relationships, why is the burden of divorce on her? He made a choice to treat her that way, he broke vows by treating her that way. I don't see this as being different from making other choices that break vows.

Edited April 13, 2012 by maybealone

[MoneyWorld]

To pull this back from where it has gone...

 

Trying to close off the circle, at least on what I was discussing. I'm not saying that me cheating wasn't wrong. The two points I was trying to make are 1 - while I fully admit I was wrong, I don't regret doing it, and 2 - not every affair has the cheater thinking they are going off into a perfect paradise with the affair partner as Furious had posted, where the person being cheated on is bad mouthed and ridiculed.

[Furious]

To pull this back from where it has gone...

 

Trying to close off the circle, at least on what I was discussing. I'm not saying that me cheating wasn't wrong. The two points I was trying to make are 1 - while I fully admit I was wrong, I don't regret doing it, and 2 - not every affair has the cheater thinking they are going off into a perfect paradise with the affair partner as Furious had posted, where the person being cheated on is bad mouthed and ridiculed.

 

You and your current wife did not experience D-Day in your previous marriages. You both esacped the infedelity issue with your ex's.

 

Being wrong and not regretting is double talk.

[ISurvived]

I hope that was a generic "you" and not directed at me, because I am not a man nor have I cheated.

 

Common decency is a good point. Yes, a spouse who is thinking about cheating should have the common decency to leave their spouse first. And actually, I believe that just thinking about cheating and giving it consideration means that the marriage is in enough trouble to either need work to fix or to end. What bugs me is that other situations are not treated the same way. No one looks at an alcoholic and thinks, "He should have had the common decency to leave his wife before becoming an alcoholic," or at a neglectful spouse and say, "She should have had the common decency to leave her husband before deciding to ignore him physically and emotionally."

 

See, I think cheating is wrong -- but I think a lot of other things are wrong too. I am not trying to say two wrongs make a right. What I am trying to say is that spouses who neglect or abuse are still considered by many to be better simply because they did not cheat. That's what I think is wrong -- that "not cheating" seems to be the epitome of being a good spouse.

 

I also think that if everything was truly black and white, then there would be no reconciliations after affairs. The fact that there are leads me to believe that every situation really is unique.

 

Now, if only someone would answer my traffic violation questions.

 

Yes, a generic "you".

[MoneyWorld]

You and your current wife did not experience D-Day in your previous marriages. You both esacped the infedelity issue with your ex's.

 

Being wrong and not regretting is double talk.

 

It's not double talk at all. To use previous example, if a father kills the man who rapes his daughter, it can be wrong to do it but he quite probably doesn't regret it.

 

I know that what I did was wrong, but I'm glad that I did what I did because it's been what has got me to where I am today.

[Furious]

It's not double talk at all. To use previous example, if a father kills the man who rapes his daughter, it can be wrong to do it but he quite probably doesn't regret it.

 

I know that what I did was wrong, but I'm glad that I did what I did because it's been what has got me to where I am today.[/

 

 

I suggest you post on the murder forum!

[bentnotbroken]

My point exactly....

 

How is it that in this case "why bother?" becomes a perfectly acceptable question to pose to oneself. What you write alludes that given that situation it is OK to "drop the ball".... its ok to drop the ball, just so long as you arent doing it by way of infidelity....... ....lol .... this just does wonders for the argument

 

 

Why does this only go one way bent? This is where "your side" of the argument goes completely to pot....

 

 

I was not a great wife by any stretch of the imagination. But I did not expose him to diseases or a crazy affair partner. I did not defile his home or the home of his friends by having sex in them. Look SC, I am well aware of your stance...there is a reason for what you did. You need that. I said why bother, but it never stopped him from climbing on while I was asleep, drugged or drunk(even after I told him it felt like rape...her threw some bills at me and said now you have been paid) I took him up on his offer. Give me cash and I will f*ck you. Was not right according to my own conscious or Gods' word. But I kept our issues between us and not a third party.

 

You will never see my point of view, nor I yours. It is because of the things we both expect and will accept out of life. There is no argument for me. My goal isn't to change anyone's mind. So there is no reason to argue. But I will state my opinion, strongly, forcefully, consistently. My mind won't be changed and neither will yours. I find infidelity repulsive and soul destroying. Anything but bringing the juices of some other woman( and all the people she has slept with) home to share with me. Waiting for AIDS test results is not fun. Not knowing about the mental state and having my children affected...not fun. So SC I respect your stance and I just don't' agree with it. I suspect that is because my eyeglasses only show me the black and white.

[Steen719]

maybealone,

 

I disagree that if you have been repeatedly propositioned you must have been either hanging out at a wrong type of place, or giving off signals of availability.

 

I am in a long term marriage and have never cheated on my H!

 

Throughout my marriage lots of men have propositioned me in ordinary places of business. I have even received 2 serious marriage proposals during my marriage.(from men I have never done anything with)

 

Men are attracted to my bubbly personality, even though I am only average looking. I am a kind, sweet, easy going person who loves life.

 

Ditto, here. I did not cheat, either, but did not want to. I did not feel a need to. I did not hang around in bars, etc. and still don't. Like beenburned, I am a friendly person and easy to talk to (sometimes that is misunderstood). Generally, this was a work situation, but honestly, it has happened since I was in college and my boyfriend would tell me to cross my arms in front of me when another guy wanted to hug me because they wanted to feel my ample...you know. Anyway, starting then, his "friends" would come on...what can you say? Most women, by the time they are 20 or 25, have experienced this many times and it is NOT solicited.

 

OK, NOT ALWAYS solicited.

Edited April 13, 2012 by Steen719
Edited to add NOT ALWAYS

[MoneyWorld]

I get where you are coming from bentnotbroken, completely understandable. The following isn't in regards to my own situation at all, just myself wondering if there things were changed your situation.

 

What if there were no children involved and if there was no sex involved? Specifically if you were not sexually active with your husband, and if he was not sexually active with her? Would you still feel the same way or would you feel different? I'm not saying would it be all better, obviously not. I'm just thinking that if you would still feel the same way then it is possibly some other issue that is making you feel the way you do about it.

[beenburned]

maybealone,

 

What is your definition of "opportunities to cheat"?

[bentnotbroken]

I get where you are coming from bentnotbroken, completely understandable. The following isn't in regards to my own situation at all, just myself wondering if there things were changed your situation.

 

What if there were no children involved and if there was no sex involved? Specifically if you were not sexually active with your husband, and if he was not sexually active with her? Would you still feel the same way or would you feel different? I'm not saying would it be all better, obviously not. I'm just thinking that if you would still feel the same way then it is possibly some other issue that is making you feel the way you do about it.

 

 

I wouldn't feel anything...I would be dead. That is how he made me feel. That is was better to be dead than to try to be his wife. And no my belief system is based on God's view of marriage...so I probably would feel absolutely no differently...you know the black/white thing.

[Furious]

I'm having a bad night.

 

My daughter stormed out of the house.

 

She hates her father.

 

My son spends as little time at home possible.

 

My family is falling apart.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Furious, hang in. It eventually does get easier. That's a long eventually! I'm so sorry for what your family is going through. Keep your wit about you and give yourself some time. I'm short on time but wanted to say that your opening post is my all time favorite! From that post alone, I can tell you are strong, intelligent and witty! You'll make it through whatever you decide. The ball is in your court now. The lack of sleep can last forever it seems, along with the feeling of being punched in the gut every time you awake. Don't let those who profess to believe in gray areas get you down with their justifications. They rely on absolutes as much as the rest of us! We certainly don't expect architects, engineers, pilots, or MDs to believe in gray areas.

 

The best advice I can give is to ask your H to leave and concentrate on your kids. That will bring the stress level down for all of you. It's your volley and there is no time limit. And you are absolutely right, finding an AP ( for women especially) is kin to shooting fish in a barrel.

 

I've lost a parent and two kids and neither compared to finding out who my H really was.

[jlola]

Furious,

 

I feel so sad for you and your children. Your daughter are both feeling betrayed also. They just do not know how to express it. Please stay strong and be a good example for your children. He may have lost their respect, bu you will not.

 

It amazes me how Ws is willing to lose the respect of family and children for so little. If I had a child NOTHING and NOONE would be worth bringing them pain and seeing the lost of respect for me in their eyes.

[Deanster]

Unknown to the betrayed spouse, they play a pivotal role in the "affair" dynamic. The role we are given is of the Villain, and without that ingredient the affair lacks the drama that cheaters are desperate for. Without this, there is nothing to validate the betrayal. This also serves the purpose of allowing the cheaters to be portrayed as the romantic victims. In every "affair" there is this delusional thread that the affair partners are rescuing each other from their tragic loveless lives.

 

In a normal relationship where two single people meet and begin dating, you do not see the elaborate drama and secrecy that excites in an affair, no stolen moments, no desperate texting and sexting, no VILLAIN to keep them apart.

In a normal dating relationship it is just the two of them, in an "affair" there are triangles. Or if both affair partners are married there are 4 in the mix, not excluding the children of course, thus increasing the DRAMA of the affair.

 

Let's not forget the children, because unknown to them they also play a role in the affair. The cheaters never miss the chance to proclaim how much they love their children. It is for the children the affair partners are sacrificing the dream of being with their "soulmate", and cannot divorce the evil spouse.

The affair partners, are so noble, sacrificing their own happiness for the greater good.

 

So the lovers become, us against the world, they can only survive on stolen moments, so these moments are magnified, intensified, the sex becomes desperate, as if there may never be a next time. They rain compliments on each other, they gorge on the awesomeness of each other, they revel in the perfection mirrored in each others eyes. They Lie to everyone...but not Never to each other.

 

The lovers become each others safe haven from the evil Spouse and cruel world as they experiment with sex toys, anal sex, slippery body oil, without need of condoms because if they are in love STD'S do not exist. They are always perfumed, bathed and coiffed. There's wine, love letters, special gifts. It is truly a "Miracle", that they found each other. God did not have the time to save the thousands of starving children that die each day but somehow found the time to bring these "lovers" together.

 

There is also the absence of basic human bodily functions that the affair partners do not possess. They are fartless, never take a **** and never stink up the lovely hotel room, no bad breath, ass streaked underwear, nose picking or flem hacking coughs. When the lovers are together they mystical beings.

And of course there no pesky children to interrupt the precious time they have together. No chores, diapers to change, no bills to sort, dentist and doctors appointments, no car pooling the kids around from their sports activities.

 

For the "affair", it's silk sheets, soft music, candles, platitudes, never ending compliments, as as they construct a sky's the limit pedestal in which to perch themselves on. From high up on this pedestal they gaze down on the world and sigh sadly, that if it were not for the evil spouse they could live happily ever after.

 

 

This grand "love"' they share is precious and fragile. It's survival can only be guaranteed by only a few key factors:

Deception

Secrecy

Greed

 

And of course.....Non-discovery by the evil spouse

(or those pesky children they claim to love)

 

Well gosh, if I can have a safe haven, crazy sex, all-in, intense, passionate, reality-bummer-free Unicorn relationship on the side with a sexy, perfect, non-skid-mark-leaving woman in a no-housework situation focused purely on the enjoyment of each other... You're saying I get ALL THAT in exchange for a little deception, greed, secrecy and false villianization of my wife?

 

SIGN ME UP! Never heard affairs put out as such a persuasive and attractive option before. Seems like a great deal. More people should do it.

 

How shall I begin? Go over to the WS side of the Infidelity forum and start looking for hookups with the ladies?

 

I'd sure like to get started on all these benefits right away!

[Spark1111]

Furious, it sounds like it's time for the family sitdown with the kids. Your WS owes them an apology too!

 

He may hear:bunny: a lot of harsh attack and anger from them, but that is just one more consequence of having an affair.

 

He has to man up, and take it.

 

Healing can only begin with an honest, often painful, frank display of thoughts and feelings.

 

Kids need to grieve too.

[Furious]

Thank you

 

Ifwisheswerehorses, Frozensprouts, Jlola, and Spark for your kind words and support.

 

My children are both in high school. My daughter graduates this year.

There are both in IC, and having a very hard time and are dealing with it in different ways.

 

Their angry, sad and scared.

 

I slept in my daughters bedroom last night, and then later my son came in with a sleeping bag and joined us. The three of us talked, cried and even shared a couple of laughs. They are my world.

 

My husband is a wreck....he finally see's what he risked losing.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you

 

Ifwisheswerehorses, Frozensprouts, Jlola, and Spark for your kind words and support.

 

My children are both in high school. My daughter graduates this year.

There are both in IC, and having a very hard time and are dealing with it in different ways.

 

Their angry, sad and scared.

 

I slept in my daughters bedroom last night, and then later my son came in with a sleeping bag and joined us. The three of us talked, cried and even shared a couple of laughs. They are my world.

 

My husband is a wreck....he finally see's what he risked losing.

 

Hey Furious,

 

I never thought I might be able to lend a helping hand from this position.

 

My father was caught (by me, and not willingly) in an affair about 2.5 years ago. (about three weeks later was when my husband's infidelities were (starting to be) uncovered). All in all it was a great summer.

 

Needless to say I was pretty disgusted with my father. Especially because the only time he had shown me any consistent kindness was when he was in the affair.

 

For years my mother tried to run interference between us and mediate us and referee us. To tell the truth: she needed to protect me from abuse when I was a child and that includes his physical/mental/emotional abuse and her verbal/emotional abuse.

 

My father was incredibly selfish and narcissistic. He was also ridiculously dependent on my mother and she on him.

 

After the affair, she really just needed to back the **** off and let us sort it out. Like she should have done when my father wasn't abusing me.

 

I think that if my father would've had to step up and actually talk to me and BE a Dad, instead of seeking permission from my mother first or having her try to "market" to me how great my Dad was, we'd have a better relationship. Or at least I wouldn't have been fed a bunch of false hope.

 

I CAN'T STAND how my mother meddles in my affairs (I use the term generally, not EMRs LOL). I can have my own perceptions of my father, if I curious to test them, I know how to look him up. If he was interested in having ANYTHING to do with me, he knows how to find me too. When my mother tries to talk up what a great Dad or husband he is/was and tries to convince me, I find that INCREDIBLY INVALIDATING. Even DAMAGING.

 

If your husband wants to fix his relationship with his daughter, let him do the heavy lifting. Stay the **** out of it unless either one of them is asking for a piece of advice.

 

Sorry if this sounds super-harsh. My ire gets so bad thinking about it that my delivery is a little tilted.

 

I am also not saying that you are doing this. Just please DON'T do this

[Furious]

Dreamingoftigers

 

I totally get what your saying. I take no offense.

 

My kids have the right to feel what they feel. They are both very angry with their father and have told him exactly what they think of him.

 

I will not broker on my husbands behalf.

 

I will not put words in my children's mouth. They have their own grievances

on how he has treated them these past couple of years apart from how he has treated me.

 

That is why I encouraged them to go to IC, so they can talk freely and openly without interference from either myself or my husband.

 

Last night my daughter had a huge fight with her dad. She told him she doesn't want him at her graduation, she wants nothing to do with him ever.

She also is angry at me, she thinks I'm weak to even consider reconciliation.

She has been very vocal from where she is coming from.

 

My son has shut down. He is very quiet. He is spending a lot of time at his friends homes. He won't talk to his dad.

 

They're worried about where will live. If we can afford to stay in the neighborhood. They're worried about the future.

 

It's just too much.

I told, promised them we'll be ok.

[SandieBeach]

StoneCold,

 

Have you ever heard a cheater who did not finger point at their spouse as the reason they HAD to have an affair? My father has done so much to hurt my mother and have her react. She is the calmest sweetest woman I have ever met. But in his disrespect he brings out the worst in her. guess who goes around telling everyone what a horrible wife she is? Guess who tries to lie to us and make her the villain? She treated that man with more value and respect than he ever deserved. They also had a very active sex life and she put every woman he ever had an affair with to shame physically and mentally.Guess what my sister does whenever she needs to leave the next sucker husband? she makes him the villain. I was discussing with someone what her excuse would be this time? Probably abuse cause that is her favorite excuse. She even had an ex boyfriend put in jail once for that. It was easy once she found out there are many usues for food coloring.

 

unfortunately, when she tried to take back the false charges she found out SHE will be in trouble for purgery . So she let that go. this is coming from an intelligent woman who went to a top University on a academic scholarship.

 

Reading about two people who were in abusive marriages carrying on an affair at work but too afraid to leave their spouse makes me wonder why? If you need to have someone else there for you to be able to leave, then you have to wonder why you could not do it yourself. had my mother had to be in an affair in order to finally leave, I would have lost all respect for her. In fact I am proud she never resorted to stooping as low as my father and sisters do.if she were to leave because of abuse and unhappiness, she should have left for herself and her children. NO man should have been her only power. It should have come from within.

 

I forgive my mother for not leaving my father and putting us in a horrible situation. Though I can never understand why. I know she had no family support. But why make us all so unhappy?

 

 

 

But she really had a sick version of love for my father and this is what allowed her to stay.that woman loved him foolishly. I think if she did not love him even in her sick way, she would have been long gone and suffered any hardship she had to.

 

Putting up with physical or mental abuse and saying you are not strong enough to leave, when there are no kids and you are gainfully employed should make you take a time-out and try to figure out why you have so little love or respect for yourself. Not searching for someone else to give it to you.

 

Of course most cheating spouses will point a finger and say "s/he made me cheat!!" However, just because these cheating spouses cheated, doesn't mean that their non-cheating spouse was not with an issue. My H had an affair for 7 months, and I am pissed off beyond belief. In addition, while I understand what I did to contribute to our marriage problems that ultimately "encouraged" him to screw someone else, and I accept my part of the blame, doesn't mean I have to forgive him. This may be totally messed up logic, but I couldn't care less.

[The Blue Knight]

You know, you can justify these damn affairs until the cows come home. For those of you who have had affairs and feel justified in what you did, well good for you. Maybe you should be praying that someone doesn't do the same to you. If you are able to rationalize to yourself that what you did was justified, I believe that also says volumes about you that you didn't take care of the problems before you went off with another.

 

Sorry....today, I really resent the fact that his choices were what they were and while I am still hurting he is not.

On the other hand Steen, it sounds like you're much better off without this douche-bag. No doubt he would have kept cheating on you.

[The Blue Knight]

In a perfect world, I agree, we should have both left our existing relationships. Unfortunately neither one of us were strong enough to do so without having the crutch of each other to help us. Right or wrong, sometimes a person needs a helping hand to get out of a relationship. Sometimes that's family, sometimes it's friends, sometimes it's counseling. Neither one of us had those things to fall back on at the time, so should I have continued my 4 year marriage and all the hurt and damage we caused to each other, and should my wife have continued her 5 year marriage and all the physical and emotional abuse he leveled on her, just to be faithful?

 

I guess I just have a jaded view on affairs because mine turned out to be the one in one hundred (or three in one hundred) that turned out well. At the end of the day I'd do it again, because a three in one hundred chance of finding happiness is better than a zero in one hundred chance of it, which is where we were both at if we stayed in bad / abusive marriages.

 

Obviously the proper way to get involved with anyone is to leave first, and find the second spouse AFTERWARD, but as a matter of real-life, that just doesn't happen.

 

I deal with lousy marriages a lot. There are plenty of them where one person should get the %$ out ASAP. I'm often bewildered by individuals (typically women) who stay in abusive (verbal, mental, physical) relationships or marriages. I understand the lacking self-esteem dynamic that keeps them there, or the financial outlook, but to me, I'd love to come home to peace and quiet and serenity, vs the lifestyle they've chosen with some abusive idiot. So for me, I could never exist in that type of relationship.

 

Yeah, there are reasons why people cheat and they can be legitimate reasons as Money states about his own situation albeit rare. I don't believe any of us will ever accept that as the norm however. When my wife cheated on me many moons ago, our life was very good. There was absolutely no reason for her to cheat. We had a great life, plenty of income, three healthy kids, a nice house, great employment, regular 3-4X a week sexual activity, regular vacations, you name it. Her deal was never easy to figure out. She certainly knew she couldn't put any of those "he treats me awful" labels on me. She had to try to justify it by other means. In the end I ended up much better off for her slip-up and I'm happier today with my present wife.

 

The OP comments are typically the way it really works. Marriage seems to be going along fine, someone decides to cheat, and then all the so-called "ills of the terrible uncommunicative selfish spouse" pour out to justify the affair. That's what pisses everyone off whose been the victim of this behavior. Someone gets screwed typically, and I'm not talking about the two individuals involved in the affair.