The unknown role the betrayed spouse plays in the"affair"!

[The Blue Knight]

I think I might just get someone to make him a eunuch...

 

Meet him half way! He gets the eunuch alteration, you get to wear a chastity belt and he keeps the key.

[SandieBeach]

Meet him half way! He gets the eunuch alteration, you get to wear a chastity belt and he keeps the key.

 

Hahaa...you're a funny, funny man, TBK!

[MoneyWorld]

This is of course assuming that sexual intercourse is the terminus point of the affair. I think that you will find that many people, both male and female, have emotional affairs on their spouses without having to engage in intercourse. Obviously not the majority, but it's probably fairly surprising the number of men and women out there who cheat on their spouses without having to engage in any kind of direct sexual contact.

 

For those who are on the betrayed end of things (and I tried to allude to this earlier, but it was misconstrued I think), would it have been okay if your spouse did not engage in intercourse when they had their affair? I'm guessing not. Hence I don't think it's the risk of STD that is the be all and end all, but rather just a cherry on the top of the underlying emotional part of find out that their spouse has become invested into another individual in a way they feel they should only be invested into them.

 

If that makes any sense at all.

[Furious]

Yes, my husband was invested in someone else, and made a deposit every time he travelled to city her on business. His "investment" cost him, respect, loss of his family, and his legacy.

 

Forget the grey, black or white,....I gave him my blessing to be with his "love"

Now he is remorseful, begging for a second chance.

He was in the "affair fog" eating cake, as most cheaters are.

 

You and your wife are very rare, the exception.

[Spark1111]

This is of course assuming that sexual intercourse is the terminus point of the affair. I think that you will find that many people, both male and female, have emotional affairs on their spouses without having to engage in intercourse. Obviously not the majority, but it's probably fairly surprising the number of men and women out there who cheat on their spouses without having to engage in any kind of direct sexual contact.

 

For those who are on the betrayed end of things (and I tried to allude to this earlier, but it was misconstrued I think), would it have been okay if your spouse did not engage in intercourse when they had their affair? I'm guessing not. Hence I don't think it's the risk of STD that is the be all and end all, but rather just a cherry on the top of the underlying emotional part of find out that their spouse has become invested into another individual in a way they feel they should only be invested into them.

 

If that makes any sense at all.

 

Perfect sense. NONE of it is okay, especially when choosing to operate under a different set of assumptions of what fidelity means to us.

 

The old adage, and a swift kick in the consceince for those who choose to not have one, is if you are not sure if it is cheating, ask your spouse....

 

Or, another from Dr. Phil: If you wouldn't say it, do it, touch it, or view it with your spouse standing beside you, then that's cheating.

 

Pretty simple, no?

 

When my spouse's affair was first discovered, he had an entire speech of platitudes he had probably told himself during his affair to make it ok....the best being, "It just happened. I never meant to hurt you."

 

As I went back and pieced together every single action he took to MAKE it happen, he grew so ashamed.

 

When I asked him to imagine me doing exactly what he had done --every text, call, email, to this co-worker, every trip, coffee, dinner, flowers, gift--to another man under his nose while pretending to still care for him....

 

His face crumpled and the enormity of his deception left him speechless and sad...No more "it just happened. No more, "I never meant to hurt you."

 

The point is, there is a million steps taken to pursue the affair, and only after it is over, does the WS even stop to think of their despicable actions.

 

The first time they keep that one cup of coffee over the water cooler, the first flirty text, the first "I need to call her at home about the ABC Project" and KEEP IT SECRET from their spouse, they KNOW they are crossing a line.

 

Truly hard to defend when their actions meet the light of day.

[beenburned]

moneyworld,

 

I'm a long ago BW who would have been very glad if H had never had sexual intercourse with anyone else.

 

My H was a serial cheater in the early years of our marriage. He had been with 3 different OW at the time of our d-day.

[SandieBeach]

maybe I'm misunderstanding what you are saying here, but why does an affair having a tragic end suddenly make it not a "grey' area ?

 

seems more like "dumb luck"....

 

doesn't make the affair any less hurtful...

 

perhaps, when it comes right down to it, the fact that some see cheating as a 'grey area" and some see it as "black and white ' really isn't relevant...after all, sticking a label on something doesn't make it any less painful to those involved...

 

I see what your asking. Ok, let me say this:

 

1) I would rather be never cheated on. Period.

2) If my husband's cheating had to happen, I would rather have him cheat on me with a non-diseased person, than with someone who has an STD

 

So, his affair would be much worse for me if I had a lifetime gift.

Edited April 18, 2012 by SandieBeach

[findingnemo]

maybe I'm misunderstanding what you are saying here, but why does an affair having a tragic end suddenly make it not a "grey' area ?

 

seems more like "dumb luck"....

 

doesn't make the affair any less hurtful...

 

perhaps, when it comes right down to it, the fact that some see cheating as a 'grey area" and some see it as "black and white ' really isn't relevant...after all, sticking a label on something doesn't make it any less painful to those involved...

 

I can assure you that an A being a grey area in no way means it's less painful for the BS. It definitely isn't mainly because it's a secret. The BS has no knowledge that whatever issues exist in the M if any that could lead their WS to cheat. So even if the WS may have had serious issues, as long as they chose to lie and cheat, then the pain is pretty much the same for the BS.

 

But what I've seen IRL is that many times people have As and they are caught and the affected couple have to deal with it. Usually they would have to discuss the whys and both parties have to work on things. At some point, they move on. Then there are some really "unlucky" cases where there is an STD, or murder (watch crime TV). The resulting chaos is so bad that there is no discussion of the whys. Now it becomes a matter of life and death... There is nothing grey about that.

[findingnemo]

Coincidentally, this morning I turned on my TV and there was a show about Clara Harris. Remember her? The Texan W who ran her H over in her Mercedes Benz killing him in a Hilton Hotel parking lot? Of all the cases I've seen, this one has stayed with me. I feel for that woman because in my opinion she acted out of rage. A crime of passion after being gas lighted, emotionally abused and lied to for ages. This is what I mean when I say that sometimes As have consequences that can be a matter of life and death.

[soserious1]

I do not agree with cheating, but one thing about LS that bothers me is how the "forsaking all others" part of the marriage vows seems to be the only one that counts with a lot of people. There are a lot more to those vows and a whole lot more ways to betray a spouse than by having sex with another person.

 

Yes, spouses should divorce before being with anyone else. They also should divorce before verbally or physically abusing their spouse, or before unilaterally deciding to have a sexless marriage, or before deciding to neglect their spouses on a daily basis.

 

All somewhat equal in my book.

 

Let me point out here that betrayed spouses also often suffer the kinds of behaviors you've listed here. My marriage was entirely sexless for a solid year & trust me it wasn't by my choosing.

 

No, sometimes the cheating behavior is just one thing on a list of transgressions committed by a wandering spouse. In my house that list included thousands of lies, misuse of financial resources, verbal & emotional abuse.

[wellwhynot]

Unknown to the betrayed spouse, they play a pivotal role in the "affair" dynamic. The role we are given is of the Villain, and without that ingredient the affair lacks the drama that cheaters are desperate for. Without this, there is nothing to validate the betrayal. This also serves the purpose of allowing the cheaters to be portrayed as the romantic victims. In every "affair" there is this delusional thread that the affair partners are rescuing each other from their tragic loveless lives.

His wife is inconsequential to me in terms of our relationship. She exists... like nebraska or ice skating rinks or chicken cordon bleu, but none of those things have any meaning in my relationship with him, and really neither does she.

In a normal relationship where two single people meet and begin dating, you do not see the elaborate drama and secrecy that excites in an affair, no stolen moments, no desperate texting and sexting, no VILLAIN to keep them apart.

In a normal dating relationship it is just the two of them, in an "affair" there are triangles. Or if both affair partners are married there are 4 in the mix, not excluding the children of course, thus increasing the DRAMA of the affair.

We've never had a moment of drama in our affair. Acting like this is the case in all affairs is ridiculous. We have a relationship because we have a relationship, it doesnt' require drama to "justify the betrayl"

Let's not forget the children, because unknown to them they also play a role in the affair. The cheaters never miss the chance to proclaim how much they love their children. It is for the children the affair partners are sacrificing the dream of being with their "soulmate", and cannot divorce the evil spouse.

The affair partners, are so noble, sacrificing their own happiness for the greater good.

You don't think parents do this all the time? Use their children as a means to an end?

So the lovers become, us against the world, they can only survive on stolen moments, so these moments are magnified, intensified, the sex becomes desperate, as if there may never be a next time. They rain compliments on each other, they gorge on the awesomeness of each other, they revel in the perfection mirrored in each others eyes. They Lie to everyone...but not Never to each other.

We argue, we disagree, we do have an amazing relationship, the sex IS wonderful and mindblowing and amazing, not desperate, because we pay attention to what each other likes, not because it's forbidden or illicit or stolen. But because we actually pay attention to each other and enjoy each other. I've never told a lie regarding he and I. Not once. I don't lie to anyone about it, the only one he lies to is her, and that's very rarely because she did not want to know anything. She likes her life just the way it is thankyouverymuchpleasedonotdisruptmylifewithwhatyourneeds

The lovers become each others safe haven from the evil Spouse and cruel world as they experiment with sex toys, anal sex, slippery body oil, without need of condoms because if they are in love STD'S do not exist. They are always perfumed, bathed and coiffed. There's wine, love letters, special gifts. It is truly a "Miracle", that they found each other. God did not have the time to save the thousands of starving children that die each day but somehow found the time to bring these "lovers" together.

This is insulting.

And yes, I am always bathed because ew. Why woudln't you be? There is wine and love letters, because why woudln't there be?

There is also the absence of basic human bodily functions that the affair partners do not possess. They are fartless, never take a **** and never stink up the lovely hotel room, no bad breath, ass streaked underwear, nose picking or flem hacking coughs. When the lovers are together they mystical beings.

The man in my life held my hair while I threw up for hours on end due to my medications, he talked softly to me and stroked my hand to comfort me when my head hurt so much that I could do nothing but cry. He wiped away my tears and probably the snot that goes along with it, I don't really remember, I wasn't that aware of the details. He paced the floor while I was in surgery several times. I've often had bad breath because people who get sick do. I don't pick my nose and neither does he, that's kind of disgusting. I've been on several medications that make me gassy. I try and excuse myself to the ladies room, because body functions can be embarassing, and it's the polite thing to do, but I've certainly passed gas in front of him. There have been hacking coughs too, I'm really suceptible to infection unfortunately. He loves me anyway.

And of course there no pesky children to interrupt the precious time they have together. No chores, diapers to change, no bills to sort, dentist and doctors appointments, no car pooling the kids around from their sports activities.

Actually we are interrupted by the randomness of life very often. We pay bills and do chores together. As far as dr appointments go, he's been there while we dealt with my medical issues every step of the way.

For the "affair", it's silk sheets, soft music, candles, platitudes, never ending compliments, as as they construct a sky's the limit pedestal in which to perch themselves on. From high up on this pedestal they gaze down on the world and sigh sadly, that if it were not for the evil spouse they could live happily ever after.

We do have nice sheet and candles, we do give each other never ending compliments, because thats what people who care for each other do. You don't treat them like background noise. His spouse doesn't keep us apart at all, and there is no pedestal.

 

This grand "love"' they share is precious and fragile. It's survival can only be guaranteed by only a few key factors:

Deception

Secrecy

Greed

Our love is very precious, but it isn't at all fragile. It's stood up to much more than many, many marriages ever have.

And of course.....Non-discovery by the evil spouse

(or those pesky children they claim to love)

You generalize a lot and a lot of your post seems designed to be inflammatory. I responded because I thought it might be relvant to people to realize exactly how wrong so much of this "information" actually in some cases.

Edited May 23, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[bentnotbroken]

You generalize a lot and a lot of your post seems designed to be inflammatory. I responded because I thought it might be relvant to people to realize exactly how wrong so much of this "information" actually in some cases.

 

 

The original post was made almost 2 months ago. The mods appear to disagree that the post was designed to be inflammatory, it remains in it's entirety. There has been discussion back and forth with differing opinions without anyone being flamed. If you are so offended, report it.

[wellwhynot]

The original post was made almost 2 months ago. The mods appear to disagree that the post was designed to be inflammatory, it remains in it's entirety. There has been discussion back and forth with differing opinions without anyone being flamed. If you are so offended, report it.

 

I saw it today when it was linked as "such a great post." I can understand how it can be helpful to vent, I can understand that maybe this helps people to heal, but it is based entirely on generalizations and I disagree that the betrayed spouse is treted as a common enemy that binds the affair partners together. I actually would think that would be helpful information to have. To know that you aren't being vilified, I've seen where it was stated that that was one of the WORST things for people, to think that their spouse was saying terrible things about them. Maybe I'm wrong. <shrugs> I am entitled to respectfully give my opinion.

[bentnotbroken]

I saw it today when it was linked as "such a great post." I can understand how it can be helpful to vent, I can understand that maybe this helps people to heal, but it is based entirely on generalizations and I disagree that the betrayed spouse is treted as a common enemy that binds the affair partners together. I actually would think that would be helpful information to have. To know that you aren't being vilified, I've seen where it was stated that that was one of the WORST things for people, to think that their spouse was saying terrible things about them. Maybe I'm wrong. <shrugs> I am entitled to respectfully give my opinion.

 

 

No it is not helpful to know it is a possibility that you aren't being villified (since that isn't the experience for a large number of BS) and yes you are entitled to your opinion.

[Angelina527]

I know this is an older post, but I wanted to say that the original post is hilarious and very true!

 

When my now husband and I were having an affair it was so much easier to see each other in that romantic light.

 

When he cheated on me, it was, in turn, very easy for him to see his "soul mate" in the same light. Of course I'm always bathed, but with small children, it may not happen until he gets home for the day. On the other hand, the AP always had the opportunity to look her best for him.

 

Furious and others, as a FOW, I am so incredibly sorry for your hurt. Other than the death of a child, infidelity is the worst thing that can happen in a marriage. There are no words for the pain.

[96nole]

So let me get this right, someone who is the OW is unhappy with the way the BS's think of them and the affair. Yeah, I'm going to go with the original posting.

 

I know I was the common enemy of my whore and her dirtbag. Any little thing she complained about me to him, he said he wouldn't do. I know she was dressed well for him, then she'd come home to me and fart so loud that I'd ask if she hurt herself. I doubt she was doing that in front of him.

 

he only one he lies to is her, and that's very rarely because she did not want to know anything. She likes her life just the way it is thankyouverymuchpleasedonotdisruptmylifewithwhatyo urneeds

Are you sure about that. If he lies to her, why wouldn't he lie to you?

[wellwhynot]

So let me get this right, someone who is the OW is unhappy with the way the BS's think of them and the affair. Yeah, I'm going to go with the original posting.

 

I know I was the common enemy of my whore and her dirtbag. Any little thing she complained about me to him, he said he wouldn't do. I know she was dressed well for him, then she'd come home to me and fart so loud that I'd ask if she hurt herself. I doubt she was doing that in front of him.

 

 

Are you sure about that. If he lies to her, why wouldn't he lie to you?

Oh she sounds like quite the lady.

I'm sorry you were painted as a common enemy, I can only imagine that hurt, especially if it was based on untruths about you.

My point was not every relationship is like that and not every WS paints their spouse as evil and vile and a troll. I actually thought some people might take something helpful from that part, apparently I was wrong.

 

And yes, he could lie to me, but he's not. Yes, I'm sure. I've heard it myself. Yes I have witnesses who have heard it themselves. It's important to remember that just because your circumstances occured one way, it doesn't make it true for everyone.

[Steen719]

wellwhynot,

 

Why aren't the two of you married?

[wellwhynot]

wellwhynot,

 

Why aren't the two of you married?

 

I get PM privleges in a few days. If you'd really like to know, and will take it for the honest answer I am willing to give you please PM me then and I'll tell you.

In another lifetime, in a different set of circumstances, maybe we would have been. I won't say that sometimes it doesn't make me wonder what might have been, but it's not something that will happen now.

[Steen719]

I get PM privleges in a few days. If you'd really like to know, and will take it for the honest answer I am willing to give you please PM me then and I'll tell you.

In another lifetime, in a different set of circumstances, maybe we would have been. I won't say that sometimes it doesn't make me wonder what might have been, but it's not something that will happen now.

 

Well, thank you for the offer, but I don't think I need to know if you can't say it here. I can imagine that if his W were terminal and he was staying to care for her, that might be a reason, but honestly, as a BS, I can't find too many reasons that justify it. I have heard many from people here...money, kids, health, property, family, you name it. You know, it is what it is and I guess if you are willing to take what is left after her or maybe she is taking what is left after you, either way, it is just sad. Sad for her because if she doesn't know, you and he have made a decision about her life for her. If she does know, sad because she allows it. The only one who has what he wants (and he does or he would change it) is him.

 

People convince themselves of many things. We all do it. Even if it an elephant in the room, we don't see it when we don't want to. I don't know you and I don't know them, but I do know this. Infidelity hurts and you can dress it up, put lipstick on it, take it out to dinner and buy it flowers, but a pig is still a pig. It is what it is.

[beenburned]

FS & Steen,

 

Great posts!

[Furious]

You generalize a lot and a lot of your post seems designed to be inflammatory. I responded because I thought it might be relvant to people to realize exactly how wrong so much of this "information" actually in some cases.

 

 

Inflammatory to who, the OW/OM?

[Spark1111]

You generalize a lot and a lot of your post seems designed to be inflammatory. I responded because I thought it might be relvant to people to realize exactly how wrong so much of this "information" actually in some cases.

 

While it was very polite of you to correct the OP of her observations, her sarcasm and her droll, tongue and cheek take on affairs as it relates to her own sitch and her own WS, which many a BS found humorous and a some could relate to it, you needed to inform her of what exactly?

 

That it is not that way for you and your MM? That his wife exists but is of no consequence to you, "like Nebraska, corn dogs and ice skating rinks."

 

look, if you are happy, I'm happy for you.

 

Not sure why the need to tell this poster on this thread how different you and your relationship is.

 

What, exactly are you defending?

[Silly_Girl]

 

perhaps the most important role is that the betrayed spouse is married to the wayward spouse. as much as the other man/woman may want to ignore that fact, wish it weren't true, or pretend they don't exist, they most certainly do, and they play much more of a role than some other men/women realize

 

I think that the OW/OM are acutely aware of the role the BS does or doesn't play. The BS can be very 'visible' in some situations and have to be taken in to account in many ways, whether logistically or mentally, and in other situations that's just not the case.

 

I believe that often the BS is more visible to the OW/OM than the WS themself due to coping mechanisms that kick in for the WS, and the WS very possibly taking the BS for granted, but the BS is a newcomer for the OW/OM and they want to understand what that whole dynamic is about, most likely. Not in all cases, I realise some OP's state they never consider/think of the BS but I really think that's a minority view.

[Med]

Unknown to the betrayed spouse, they play a pivotal role in the "affair" dynamic. The role we are given is of the Villain, and without that ingredient the affair lacks the drama that cheaters are desperate for. Without this, there is nothing to validate the betrayal. This also serves the purpose of allowing the cheaters to be portrayed as the romantic victims. In every "affair" there is this delusional thread that the affair partners are rescuing each other from their tragic loveless lives.

 

In a normal relationship where two single people meet and begin dating, you do not see the elaborate drama and secrecy that excites in an affair, no stolen moments, no desperate texting and sexting, no VILLAIN to keep them apart.

In a normal dating relationship it is just the two of them, in an "affair" there are triangles. Or if both affair partners are married there are 4 in the mix, not excluding the children of course, thus increasing the DRAMA of the affair.

 

Let's not forget the children, because unknown to them they also play a role in the affair. The cheaters never miss the chance to proclaim how much they love their children. It is for the children the affair partners are sacrificing the dream of being with their "soulmate", and cannot divorce the evil spouse.

The affair partners, are so noble, sacrificing their own happiness for the greater good.

 

So the lovers become, us against the world, they can only survive on stolen moments, so these moments are magnified, intensified, the sex becomes desperate, as if there may never be a next time. They rain compliments on each other, they gorge on the awesomeness of each other, they revel in the perfection mirrored in each others eyes. They Lie to everyone...but not Never to each other.

 

The lovers become each others safe haven from the evil Spouse and cruel world as they experiment with sex toys, anal sex, slippery body oil, without need of condoms because if they are in love STD'S do not exist. They are always perfumed, bathed and coiffed. There's wine, love letters, special gifts. It is truly a "Miracle", that they found each other. God did not have the time to save the thousands of starving children that die each day but somehow found the time to bring these "lovers" together.

 

There is also the absence of basic human bodily functions that the affair partners do not possess. They are fartless, never take a **** and never stink up the lovely hotel room, no bad breath, ass streaked underwear, nose picking or flem hacking coughs. When the lovers are together they mystical beings.

And of course there no pesky children to interrupt the precious time they have together. No chores, diapers to change, no bills to sort, dentist and doctors appointments, no car pooling the kids around from their sports activities.

 

For the "affair", it's silk sheets, soft music, candles, platitudes, never ending compliments, as as they construct a sky's the limit pedestal in which to perch themselves on. From high up on this pedestal they gaze down on the world and sigh sadly, that if it were not for the evil spouse they could live happily ever after.

 

 

This grand "love"' they share is precious and fragile. It's survival can only be guaranteed by only a few key factors:

Deception

Secrecy

Greed

 

And of course.....Non-discovery by the evil spouse

(or those pesky children they claim to love)

 

 

You my friend are spot on!!!!! Just saw this now!