Can't have your cake and eat it too

[LyingHonestly]

I'm not so much seeking advice as I am an outlet with this.

 

I'm not great with words, but I'm going to try to get it all out. So here goes..

 

I met my OM when we were quite young. At the time he wasn't the OM in my life he was just a friend. From the moment we met there was an obvious spark, but we never became "a couple". We dated other people and when the relationships ended we were always drawn back to each other. We spent time together on and off over the years and in between relationships. Some occasions more intimate than others.

 

He was always popping in and out of my life. Often with very little warning. We didn't keep in constant contact over the years, but we were always able to pick right up where we left off and I was always more than happy to welcome him back into my life each time.

 

About two years ago he popped into my life again. He was in a relationship of 4 years..as was I. We started spending time together and eventually it turned into an affair. He wasn't okay keeping it a secret and after a short while told his BS about everything. Their relationship had already been rocky and a few months later they ended it.

 

We continued to see each other and I struggled with the decision of whether to end it with my OM or my BS. I wanted very much to "have my cake and eat it too" but I knew the arrangement wouldn't last. My OM said he would be around as long as I wanted him around no matter what my decision was, but I knew he wouldn't wait it out forever. After another six months of my skirting the decision he became involved with another woman.

 

Soon after they got together he ended things between him and I. It was more than painful, but I knew it was bound to happen at some point.

 

He decided to go NC to give his relationship a fighting chance. I respected his wishes and it's been a little over a year since we've had any sort of contact, but it still hurts everyday.

 

It's so hard to keep the NC up especially when I'm not the one who wanted it.

 

I'm still with my BS. I told him about the affair and how I feel and by some miracle he's still with me. He's loving and supportive and I feel awful everyday for missing my fOM when I have someone so amazing who loves me.

 

..but the fact is I love them both and I always will.

[Emme]

It will get better, you just have to hope and pray it will. You've lost someone who's been a part of your life for many years. It's not easy to handle. You might miss the friendship in a sense more than the sex. Just knowing they would always be there and now they've vanished. It is a hard wake up call. Keep working on your marriage and that relationship. I think there is nothing wrong with loving more than one person. Keep loving him but know that the love you have for your husband is greater.

[wannabdone]

Great post Emme!!

 

Most importanly... love YOU. Know what is best for you.

 

Someone explained it on here its like waves. Couldn't be more accurate. I still love my xMM, I wonder why a lot of the times, but truth be told I do.

 

I think a lot of mine was missing the hope. Hope that my life would be wonderful. Made all those fights and hard time with my H not so bad, because there was always hope my life would be better.

 

I can honestly say, I am more at peace now than ever. I have settled with the fact that I am exactly where I was supposed to be. And that the man I wanted and loved so deseperately, and prayed to be with... Well, God saved me and I didn't even know it at the time. I thank God for unanswered prayers. He knew what was best for me.

 

Still doesn't mean I don't have my bad days, and I don't miss him. I do.

[donnamaybe]

I fail to see what anyone would see in an unapologetic cake eater. Someone that shows that much blatant disregard for both BS and OW isn't much of a person in my book.

Yep. No ambiguity there whatsoever. This guy knows exactly where he wants to remain, and that is with two women dancing attendance on his whims.

[Owl]

 

I'm still with my BS. I told him about the affair and how I feel and by some miracle he's still with me. He's loving and supportive and I feel awful everyday for missing my fOM when I have someone so amazing who loves me.

 

..but the fact is I love them both and I always will.

 

Have you told your husband this, just as clearly as you communicated it here?

[findingnemo]

What do you mean by you love two men? How do you feel about your H and how do you feel about OM? I've had someone tell me they love two people but that it was a different kind of love...and they made a choice. So please elaborate...

[East7]

I met my OM when we were quite young. At the time he wasn't the OM in my life he was just a friend. From the moment we met there was an obvious spark, but we never became "a couple". We dated other people and when the relationships ended we were always drawn back to each other. We spent time together on and off over the years and in between relationships. Some occasions more intimate than others.

 

He was always popping in and out of my life. Often with very little warning. We didn't keep in constant contact over the years, but we were always able to pick right up where we left off and I was always more than happy to welcome him back into my life each time.

 

The question that I first have in mind is :why didn't you ever have a real long-term relationship together if you had so many opportunities ?

Your relationship looks more like a close friendship, friends with benefits, easy-sex opportunity rather than love and will to be together.

 

About two years ago he popped into my life again. He was in a relationship of 4 years..as was I. We started spending time together and eventually it turned into an affair. He wasn't okay keeping it a secret and after a short while told his BS about everything. Their relationship had already been rocky and a few months later they ended it.

 

We continued to see each other and I struggled with the decision of whether to end it with my OM or my BS. I wanted very much to "have my cake and eat it too" but I knew the arrangement wouldn't last. My OM said he would be around as long as I wanted him around no matter what my decision was, but I knew he wouldn't wait it out forever. After another six months of my skirting the decision he became involved with another woman.

 

Probably because you were an emotional/sexual filler while he was in-between serious relationships.

 

You talk about "arrangement" and "cake-eating"...It sounds like he uses you as f*** buddy and you use him for cake-eating. Actually you both use each-other. I don't see anything emotional between you.

 

Soon after they got together he ended things between him and I. It was more than painful, but I knew it was bound to happen at some point.

 

Which proves again that he just used you. But then what did you expect if you make an arrangement for "cake eating" ?

 

He decided to go NC to give his relationship a fighting chance. I respected his wishes and it's been a little over a year since we've had any sort of contact, but it still hurts everyday.

 

It's so hard to keep the NC up especially when I'm not the one who wanted it.

 

I'm still with my BS. I told him about the affair and how I feel and by some miracle he's still with me. He's loving and supportive and I feel awful everyday for missing my fOM when I have someone so amazing who loves me.

 

..but the fact is I love them both and I always will.

 

You and OM had the opportunities to be together but for some untold reasons you didn't. Again what did you expect by staying married? That he would sit there waiting for you forever ?

 

I am surprised with how easily you describe your H accepting and forgiving your A. Not sure you are giving the whole details or truth.

[wannabdone]

The question that I first have in mind is :why didn't you ever have a real long-term relationship together if you had so many opportunities ?

Your relationship looks more like a close friendship, friends with benefits, easy-sex opportunity rather than love and will to be together.

 

 

 

Probably because you were an emotional/sexual filler while he was in-between serious relationships.

 

You talk about "arrangement" and "cake-eating"...It sounds like he uses you as f*** buddy and you use him for cake-eating. Actually you both use each-other. I don't see anything emotional between you.

 

 

 

Which proves again that he just used you. But then what did you expect if you make an arrangement for "cake eating" ?

 

 

 

You and OM had the opportunities to be together but for some untold reasons you didn't. Again what did you expect by staying married? That he would sit there waiting for you forever ?

 

I am surprised with how easily you describe your H accepting and forgiving your A. Not sure you are giving the whole details or truth.

 

 

I think its pretty obvious by her post it wasn't a whole lot of details East. I think it was merely a 10,000 ft over view.

 

Saying to someone that they are a cake eater and being used IMO is a bit harsh when she is merely explaining that she went NC a year ago and misses him.