He doesn't love me any more - does he?

[PJ]

Hi

 

Hope someone can help, 'cos I feel like I'm going crazy. At the week-end I broke up with my bf after 4 years (even though I love him), because I'm sure that he doesn't love me any more.

 

At first everything was great – we were friends before we got together and it just felt right. He started to be "tired" more and more often and our sex life started to fizzle out. We both work long hours and I thought that things would get better if I didn't make a big deal out of it. I realise now that this was a big mistake – maybe if we had talked then we could have sorted things out.

 

Anyway, I still loved him and for a while, everything else was ok, but then he started growing more distant. He would cancel evenings out at the last moment because he was too tired or not feeling well, and he wouldn’t talk to me about anything important (it really hurt that I knew he was talking to his friends and neighbours about stuff but cut me out completely).

 

I asked him if he still loved me, but he just said that I was being silly and that we would spend more time together and he would talk to me more. I really wanted to believe him but now I think he was just being kind and didn't want to hurt me

 

Things didn't really change and at the week-end I finally decided that enough was enough. I started crying and he asked me what was wrong. We had our arms round each other and I couldn’t get the words out for quite a while, but eventually I told him - I still loved him, but I couldn't carry on the way things were and I couldn't be with someone who didn't love me any more. He asked what made me say that, but at that point I was too upset and just said "it's obvious". He said that he hated to see me unhappy and asked if it meant that we wouldn’t see each other. I said that we could spend time together but that basically it would be as friends - he never really said anything about how he felt.

 

Deep down I know I did the right thing, but part of me still doesn't want to believe it's over. I was in quite a state at the week-end and I keep clinging on to the hope that when we talk he is going to tell me it is all a big mistake and he still loves me. I'd like him to tell me honestly how he feels so that I know one way or another ... do you think I should try to ask him to talk or should I just accept that it’s over?

 

Until last week we talked and laughed on the phone several times every day, and I miss him so much already.

 

Thanks

PJ

[dreamguy]

Hi PJ,

 

The way I see it, he knows you love him "but eventually I told him - I still loved him..." but you still have absolutely no clue whether he loves you or not. He has an advantage over you.

 

What's that you say ? You want to ask him if he loves you ? "I'd like him to tell me honestly how he feels so that I know one way or another ... do you think I should try to ask him to talk" I thought you already did and he gave you a very vague and unfair answer "I asked him if he still loved me, but he just said that I was being silly and that we would spend more time together and he would talk to me more."

 

Then you sound hesitant at the end of your post, "do you think I should try to ask him to talk or should I just accept that it’s over?". You know, it all depends on what you want for yourself out of this relationship.

If you can live with just being friends with him and never knowing what he really feels for you then I'd say go ahead and keep talking to him and spend time together. Be careful though, he might end up falling for someone else if they come along and he might leave you high and dry (to the point of even ending the so called friendship you're trying to maintain).

If you cannot take it anymore and you want to know how he feels, then I'd suggest you let go of him (stop all sorts of contact with him). I know it's a risk but sometimes you need to take risks in life in order to get the answers you want. In my opinion, if you keep on seeing him, calling him and laughing with him as a friend, it'll just delay the outcome which is inevitable. It's up to you, wait and stick around or take action today.