Lack of Affection...

[The Blue Knight]

Modified booty call that lasts a year? Haha. I'd believe you if it wasn't for all the other things he does for me. The thing about being a single mum is that I don't have too much time on my hands for romance. Having come out of a bad M, I'm kind of taking things slow in the love department.

 

A guy doing a booty call doesn't act like this guy. No way.

[The Blue Knight]

"The gaydor goes off" as in? So you think he could be gay too and in the closet? Or that if he's doing things for me such as below then he wants into my pants? I don't follow....

 

He does things like take care of my car issues, deals with my gardening, shops for my kids when he travels, he will basically go out of his way to solve any problem I say I have. In terms of money, I'm very independent. But he'll pay for many things even when it isn't necessary.

 

He pays for dinners and drinks and generally acts like a "man". He is a great addition to my life and acts like a husband, a partner. I actually took it for granted that his actions show that he loves me. As I said, perfect in all ways but you know...

Can you account for his whereabouts most of the time? I'm just wondering if he's gay and has to keep it in the closet due to your culture, would there be a way to find out if you inquired?

[Bellechica]

Nemo, you've been kind in your post to me and you know I deal with similar issues in my M. I feel in my heart that you can't fix the relationship with this man. You aren't married to him...you don't have kids with him....you shouldn't be dealing with lack of sex now. You have a choice, move on....find a man who matches your libidio or you'll feel rejected....you don't want that

[Radu]

Nemo, you've been kind in your post to me and you know I deal with similar issues in my M. I feel in my heart that you can't fix the relationship with this man. You aren't married to him...you don't have kids with him....you shouldn't be dealing with lack of sex now. You have a choice, move on....find a man who matches your libidio or you'll feel rejected....you don't want that

 

The biggest issue you deal in your M with is your 1yr old affair that took affection/sex from your hubby and pointed it towards your lover.

You starved him, don't be surprised if he got used to it.

[lv1028]

I would guess 90% he is gay but in denial thinking he can be a good mate. He can't come out of the closet for whatever reason and he likes you, so it's good for him. Have you asked him if he is gay? Check his body language for the answer. I'm Catholic and yes we had guilt instilled in us when we were young, but his issue is far too extreme. I think he is in denial. Even if he is a good mate, if he is gay, one day he will most likely move on. You could suggest therapy and see how he reacts. Enough of his excuses.

[findingnemo]

I don't get the "jump out of bed and take a shower" post sex thing? Is he showering because of the sex or is that the time of day he normally showers? That's just down right weird if it's because of the sex.

 

Could be the Catholic thing. As someone who came up in that miserably mixed-up denomination I can tell you a lot of individuals (mostly women) are sexually confused, inhibited, or they go the other direction as some kind of backlash and start having sex with everyone they find. It never happened to me because I bolted from Catholicism at 18 and never looked back.

 

Nemo, bottom line is if sex is a problem at this stage when most couples are still having sex twice a day . . . there's bigger problems to come my dear. Sorry to say that. You're a cool gal and you need a compatible partner.

 

Thanks, TBK. The jumping out of bed...or rather jumping off me to head straight to the shower is possibly the weirdest thing of them all. The message it gave me was "This is disgusting." Weird!!!

[findingnemo]

Let me try to answer the question of his being gay... I have no idea. I always know where he is. He picks up the phone almost always and if not calls me right back. I see no signs of him having a gay partner in secret. But if his preference is that and he's still in denial, it can account for the loving me, while not loving me thing.

 

My country is predominantly Christian. Protestants make up 60% of the population. The whole "I'm Catholic" is a front. There are so many things he does that are not in line with being a strict Catholic.

 

He decided to appeal to me the other day. He came to my house unannounced (this was normal before) and took me to lunch. Said he needed to explain things and begged me to give him the chance to. At first I said no and he said that I owed him an hour at least...that we had something that needs to end properly if its ending. We went to lunch and I maintained my position. He said he would change (again) and that he now knows this is a big issue for me. He said I can't leave him because of sex. That this isn't a good enough reason and shows that I see him as a sex object. He basically decided to politely guilt trip me. I just watched him in amazement. It was like he'd practiced what to say to me. He refused to believe me when I told him it was over and that I will not be doing any more lunches, etc. I asked him to stop calling and coming to my house. I made it very clear that I'm moving on.

 

So that's that. I think he really got it this time. Oh I forgot... He bought me one of those luxury watches I've been dying for for ages. I refused to accept it. I think he thought giving it to me would somehow sort out our issues.

[TaraMaiden]

Oh my goodness.....!

 

We need to post this somewhere prominent for people to read in how to end things properly....!!

 

:bunny: You GO girl!!! :bunny:

 

What did he say when you refused to take the watch...?

 

 

(PS: Can I have it....?)

[Radu]

Let me try to answer the question of his being gay... I have no idea. I always know where he is. He picks up the phone almost always and if not calls me right back. I see no signs of him having a gay partner in secret. But if his preference is that and he's still in denial, it can account for the loving me, while not loving me thing.

 

My country is predominantly Christian. Protestants make up 60% of the population. The whole "I'm Catholic" is a front. There are so many things he does that are not in line with being a strict Catholic.

 

He decided to appeal to me the other day. He came to my house unannounced (this was normal before) and took me to lunch. Said he needed to explain things and begged me to give him the chance to. At first I said no and he said that I owed him an hour at least...that we had something that needs to end properly if its ending. We went to lunch and I maintained my position. He said he would change (again) and that he now knows this is a big issue for me. He said I can't leave him because of sex. That this isn't a good enough reason and shows that I see him as a sex object. He basically decided to politely guilt trip me. I just watched him in amazement. It was like he'd practiced what to say to me. He refused to believe me when I told him it was over and that I will not be doing any more lunches, etc. I asked him to stop calling and coming to my house. I made it very clear that I'm moving on.

 

So that's that. I think he really got it this time. Oh I forgot... He bought me one of those luxury watches I've been dying for for ages. I refused to accept it. I think he thought giving it to me would somehow sort out our issues.

 

 

So it's either that he is guilty over being sexual, or he is very low sex drive (or asexual).

[giotto]

I would have given him a last chance...

[TaraMaiden]

they've been dating since last April, and he's still putting all of this on her shoulders as being her problem?

 

No.

Sorry.

I think she's done absolutely the right thing.

[giotto]

they've been dating since last April, and he's still putting all of this on her shoulders as being her problem?

 

No.

Sorry.

I think she's done absolutely the right thing.

 

I don't agree. She's is given him an ultimatum and then she decided she was done when she didn't hear what she wanted to hear. When he realised that she was indeed going to leave him, he promised to change. I think a last chance would have been in order.

[TaraMaiden]

No, he promised to change - again.

 

So they've been through this already.

If he didn't maintain his efforts, and he's hiding behind his religion to abstain from sex (for Lent - gimme a break! ) and he's trying to convert the problem from being his - into being hers - then I think - short of him volunteering to go to individual therapy and following through, no matter what - he's shot his bolt.

[giotto]

No, he promised to change - again.

 

So they've been through this already.

If he didn't maintain his efforts, and he's hiding behind his religion to abstain from sex (for Lent - gimme a break! ) and he's trying to convert the problem from being his - into being hers - then I think - short of him volunteering to go to individual therapy and following through, no matter what - he's shot his bolt.

 

yes, he had promised to change in the past, but he never faced being dumped over this. So, he knew it was extremely serious when he promised again. When facing ultimatums, people sometimes do change. Given these circumstances, I would have given him another chance.

[TaraMaiden]

I guess, realistically - it's not up to us, and we have no detailed, day-to-day insight into how this has ballooned and developped....

 

So basically, we have to trust that nemo knows what she's doing, and has te courage of her convictions...

 

i think she probably knows better than anyone where her tolerance threshold is...

[findingnemo]

Giotto, I don't feel like giving him another chance is the right thing to do. He is a very good man and perfect in all ways but this. We are incompatible period. It's not his fault or mine but will be someone's fault if we marry and end up in a sexless M.

 

About the watch...he couldn't believe it when I told him that I didn't feel comfortable accepting such an expensive gift from him when we are done.

 

LHI, I've been separated for almost 3 years next month and here there's a 3 year waiting period before getting a decree nisi. Either you prove the 3 years separation or the judge imposes it. I doubt that my being legally M scares high quality men but it could.

 

I think that I asked all the right questions about this guy...and the answers made sense. He is actually a very good and responsible person. He's fair and he has principles. The big problem (the only problem) is the sexual one. I also think that he is in denial of what's really going on and uses his religion (Lent), stress and any other reason to cover up the fact that he isn't into having sex. If he was not working so hard to deny the facts, I'd think perhaps the issue can be resolved. But the way he goes to any length to explain it away, sometimes making it my fault makes me think he knows he has a problem and will not deal with it.

 

So it wasn't a bad R. In fact it was so good that my first reaction to realizing we had a problem was sadness. The only bad R (M) I had was with a narcissist - the one I married and it ain't happening again.

[giotto]

Giotto, I don't feel like giving him another chance is the right thing to do. He is a very good man and perfect in all ways but this. We are incompatible period. It's not his fault or mine but will be someone's fault if we marry and end up in a sexless M.

 

Fair enough... in fact, when myself and my wife were on the brink of divorce, she promised me she would change. She did for a while, but now we are back to square one. Why did I suggest that to you? Because, despite my personal experience, I still believe in giving a second chance. But you know better than us, obviously, because you are there we are not.

[findingnemo]

Fair enough... in fact, when myself and my wife were on the brink of divorce, she promised me she would change. She did for a while, but now we are back to square one. Why did I suggest that to you? Because, despite my personal experience, I still believe in giving a second chance. But you know better than us, obviously, because you are there we are not.

 

I think that he'll find someone who is more sexually compatible and will not feel so much pressure. At least I hope so. I don't see what happened as something bad or that he is a bad person. It really isn't his problem if his libido is lower than mine. It is my problem if I stay with him and refuse to accept him as he is. It is my problem if I let this R develop into an unhappy one. Unhappy for him because I'd be nagging him for sex or unhappy for me because I'd never get what I want. It is what it is...

[maybealone]

I'll chime in as someone who was raised Catholic.

 

First of all, when you give up something for Lent it is supposed to be something you love, something that will create a hardship for you for that time period. If sex was something he loved and gave up in that manner, he would have ripped your clothes off on day 41 just as the person who gives up chocolate rips into a Hershey bar.

 

He's a Catholic, apparently someone who actually observes Lent, someone who actually goes to a priest for relationship advice. You know that, so don't you see how guilt-inducing it might be for a Catholic believer to be having sex with a married woman (which you have been for your entire relationship with this guy)? Also it doesn't even sound like you yourself are a Catholic, that might be guilt-inducing too.

 

If he was a devoted Catholic, he wouldn't believe in premarital sex regardless of the marital state of the woman.

 

I realize that may be a bit unrealistic in this day and age, but still, if her marital state was an issue it seems as though he had opportunities to bring it up.

 

If he was gay would he be having sex on a weekly basis with you? Possible but it seems unlikely.

 

It's not as unlikely as you might think, and as the R continued, it would become less and less and less.

 

Also, when it's 1x a week only a year into a R, it's relatively safe to assume that number will go down, not up, as the R progresses.

 

But the way he goes to any length to explain it away, sometimes making it my fault makes me think he knows he has a problem and will not deal with it.

 

This sounds like a big red flag to me, especially when he tries to make it your fault.

 

Religion could very well be an issue. A friend of mine ended a 6-year relationship because she was a devoted Catholic and her fiance was not, and he did not believe in raising any potential children in the Catholic religion. But if that's the case, then it's another big obstacle and possibly another reason to move on from the R.

Edited April 18, 2012 by maybealone

[Mme. Chaucer]

The mistake you might be making is thinking there is something "better" for you over that horizon. The perfect is the enemy of the good.

 

Waiting for a relationship with a person with whom one is compatible is not a mistake, ever.

 

It's also necessary to be able to work through issues and learn how to compromise with ones partner in order to have a successful relationship.

 

Accepting no straightforward communication and basic incompatibility on most levels is really a lot more soul killing than being single. Nobody should do it.

[findingnemo]

I'll chime in as someone who was raised Catholic.

 

First of all, when you give up something for Lent it is supposed to be something you love, something that will create a hardship for you for that time period. If sex was something he loved and gave up in that manner, he would have ripped your clothes off on day 41 just as the person who gives up chocolate rips into a Hershey bar.

 

Very true.

 

If he was a devoted Catholic, he wouldn't believe in premarital sex regardless of the marital state of the woman.

 

I realize that may be a bit unrealistic in this day and age, but still, if her marital state was an issue it seems as though he had opportunities to bring it up.

 

I agree with this.

 

It's not as unlikely as you might think, and as the R continued, it would become less and less and less.

 

Also, when it's 1x a week only a year into a R, it's relatively safe to assume that number will go down, not up, as the R progresses.

 

This is what I think is most likely to happen.

 

This sounds like a big red flag to me, especially when he tries to make it your fault.

 

Religion could very well be an issue. A friend of mine ended a 6-year relationship because she was a devoted Catholic and her fiance was not, and he did not believe in raising any potential children in the Catholic religion. But if that's the case, then it's another big obstacle and possibly another reason to move on from the R.

 

The funny thing is that my H is a Catholic, and my kids are therefore Catholic. I don't have a problem with people from that faith as long as they don't impose it on me. This guy doesn't. It's just that I feel he used being a devoted Catholic to get out of having sex.

 

Thanks, MA.

[findingnemo]

Waiting for a relationship with a person with whom one is compatible is not a mistake, ever.

 

It's also necessary to be able to work through issues and learn how to compromise with ones partner in order to have a successful relationship.

 

Accepting no straightforward communication and basic incompatibility on most levels is really a lot more soul killing than being single. Nobody should do it.

 

^^^^ I also don't think it's a good idea to hang on to someone because you think you can't find another person. There's nothing as off putting as desperation. I'd rather be alone than with someone I'm not compatible with.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

my eyes gloss over and I really have nothing to say being brought up with very little. Is all this about religion? I don't know? Is he gay? No idea. The fact he gave it up for lent is in my view ridiculous, because he really did not act as someone needing sex to begin with and that it was more just a reaction to what findingnemo needed then what he wanted. Oh yea and of course come day 41 it should have been a marathon of lovemaking.....

 

So Findingnemo, I think it is interesting how he approached the lunch. It sounds and correct me if I am wrong that he promised to change, but for you, not because he thought he had a "problem"or that there was something wrong or missing in the relationship with regards to intimacy.

 

If you had decided to continue (and of course accept the watch:p;)) you certainly were not addressing the situation.

 

Good luck.....

Edited April 18, 2012 by Toodamnpragmatic

[Bellechica]

Nemo, I would be very interested to know how his past relationships ended.

I think you did the right thing by ending it as if you look into the future with this man, I don't think you see the sex life improving. I think it would really start to affect your self esteem.

[findingnemo]

Yep... The Lent thing was definitely an excuse. The lack of sexual interest predates that.

 

About his prior Rs, I know his ex gf. He left her and there were issues but I got the impression from her that she wanted the R to continue. She told me this at a party knowing that he and I had started seeing each other. What I did hear was that she cheated on him and he left her - his father told me. His version of events? She didn't really cheat. She told him about the other guy and he didn't listen. (Errr, is that relevant somehow?) Whether sex was an issue, I have no idea.