Lack of Affection...

[TaraMaiden]

findingnemo - we're going to join you...!

 

 

Don't forget to give the watch back......

[The Blue Knight]

I am a bit resentful. I don't think it's because of not getting sex and affection but rather because ever since I started posting and subsequently talking to him, I feel like all the time we've been together has been a lie of sorts. This issue existed from maybe 2 months after we started seeing each other. Before that I was fine because I didn't spend a lot of time with him. I was getting to know him and sex wasn't frequent. Since we've been together 12 months, this means he's been playing with my mind for 10. That really bugs me to the point that even if the Dr came up with an explanation, I might have a hard time getting over the mind games.

This whole thing is just very strange Nemo. I mean, for most people this is the "honeymoon" period of the relationship before the actual honeymoon. This is when your physical desire for one another is supposed to be at a peak. Something is clearly missing with this guy.

[soserious1]

findingnemo,

 

My experiences with this issue have taught me that you reach a point of no return with the low sexual desire issue. Once you get to the stage where you're begging for attention & running to doctors and therapists you might as well stick a fork in it, the relationship is over!

 

We all want to believe that when our partner reaches for us that they do so because they desire us, not because we might leave them if they don't. The thought that having sex with me was just another burdensome "chore" my ex had to endure, killed every last bit of self esteem I had in me.

 

You are not married, not living together, you are dating & in the process have discovered that you are not compatible sexually, end it now & walk away with some respect for each other. Don't marry this guy or put anymore energy into trying to fix this.

[The Blue Knight]

There is no solution. It will always be a compromise. Even if "Joe" does indeed stick to his words and changes, it won't feel natural, because FN will know he is doing it for her. So, I think the crux of the matter is: if he changes, is FN prepared to compromise a bit and, more importantly, will she be able to sustain a R where she knows that sex or affection will never be spontaneous, or, if it appears spontaneous, live with the feeling that he is not really into it but he is doing it to please her? If FN is prepared to accept this, then have a go, otherwise there is no point...

Like all aspects of marriage, sex is a compromise as well. But I'm a bit biased frankly. I've always sided with the person with the stronger libido who wants more nighttime activity for the simple reason that unless they simply suck as a lover, what exactly is that individual asking from you as their spouse that's so over-the-top? To be sexually pleased more often? Oh . . . the horror of it!!!

 

So short of medical or psychological reasons, when one side of the relationship shuts down sexually for whatever reason, I see it as pure selfishness and an unwillingness to give.

 

Giotto and I will never find the perfect woman since none exist who fit our minimum standard of 10-14X weekly. Someday, we'll have the ability to build the perfect sexually compatible woman from our PC (like the movie Weird Science) and then those troubles will be put to bed (pun definitely intended).

[The Blue Knight]

I didn't quarrel, I didn't even discuss the "results". I just sat in the car and had him drop me at my house. My car is at the office but I didn't have the energy to go pick it up. I should be working but I'm not in the mood. Thank God it's Friday. I'm going to watch movies and pour myself some wine...oh, and stick to LS. Addiction?

I hate to laugh but it's kind of funny. He needs to see a urologist or someone who deals in sexual health specifically. He seems to be avoiding the whole issue which in my opinion is very devaluing and disrespecting to you Nemo.

[jwi71]

jwi71 - he was definitely BS'ing her....

 

 

So.... we really are looking at a Prime Bullschytter, aren't we?

 

Ok.

 

Given that FN has directly and straightforwardly approached him with it and he deflected, weasels and now lied about it:

 

Dump him.

 

He does not have the tools to deal with this issue (and likely others) in a mature, positive or healthy manner.

 

This is why you leave. Not the issue but his handling of it.

 

You can do better. The lie really did it for me.

 

Time to say goodbye FN.

[The Blue Knight]

findingnemo,

 

My experiences with this issue have taught me that you reach a point of no return with the low sexual desire issue. Once you get to the stage where you're begging for attention & running to doctors and therapists you might as well stick a fork in it, the relationship is over!

We all want to believe that when our partner reaches for us that they do so because they desire us, not because we might leave them if they don't. The thought that having sex with me was just another burdensome "chore" my ex had to endure, killed every last bit of self esteem I had in me.

 

You are not married, not living together, you are dating & in the process have discovered that you are not compatible sexually, end it now & walk away with some respect for each other. Don't marry this guy or put anymore energy into trying to fix this.

 

Good post Serious. I think anyone with an ounce of pride feels this way. There's no reason that sexual energy can't endure a long relationship. I would never want a wife who was interested in sex just for my sake alone. If you're not in bed next to me because you want to be, then I'm not interested either. Time to move on. Your ex sounds like a real peach.

[TaraMaiden]

Passive/aggressive control by deception....

Sociopathic narcissist.

anxiety disorder.

 

Hell, how many more currently fashionable diagnoses can we throw at him?

 

I know, I'll just call it as i see it:

 

He's an @$$hole.

 

and sometimes, all these fancy names for various personality disorders just boil down to the fact that men can be @ssh0les, and women can be l3itches.

[2sunny]

It's his inability to display AFFECTION that's actually worse than low sex drive.

 

He warned you with an agreement that sex was once a week. That's boring, rigid and controlling!

 

Then he doesn't even bother to kiss you and appreciate you between times? That would be like screwing my brother! GROSS!!!

 

Now he abstains at your expense? That would be- hell to the NO! And then he blame shift it onto you? Hell no again?

 

He has low sex drive! Low affection for others! And no manners for owning HIS OWN behavior!

 

His low sex drive does not equate to you having a high sex drive! It's apples and oranges.

 

And then ow he's mad at you because you aren't running in to "service him on demand?"

 

Screw him!

 

For what he offers you - he could pay a hooker once a week!!!

 

You need someone more compatible! One that doesn't pout and get angry when he's not serviced on his terms!

 

You two are mis matched!

 

I don't care how nice he is -how he's participating is NOT NICE!

 

And he seems to show guilt as his operating method (hence the church everyday). I am also suspicious if he's gay... Just saying...

[findingnemo]

Reading your posts, I'm just laughing!! You know when something is so tragically comical that you can't believe it's effing happening to you??? WTF???? Do you know that I just vspent 3 hours of my time waiting in an office under totally false pretenses? Damn! I can't believe someone can go to these lengths. Yes, TBK it's very funny.

 

Jw171, TM did me a favor and made things clear. Today I've been taken for a mega ride!! Thanks, TM.

 

Soserious, maybealone, everybody...this is it. I'm done. Oh yeah, I'll give him the watch back. I'll do what he did. I'll send it over to his house for him to find.

 

I can't stop laughing. Maybe I'm a bit crazy but I really can't believe this is happening!!!! :eek::sick:

[TaraMaiden]

Given that FN has directly and straightforwardly approached him with it and he deflected, weasels and now lied about it:

 

Dump him.

 

He does not have the tools to deal with this issue (and likely others) in a mature, positive or healthy manner.

 

This is why you leave. Not the issue but his handling of it.

 

You can do better. The lie really did it for me.

 

Just for the record, i hate the word 'issue'.

I'll explain why:

for exactly the same reasons teachers in the UK have been advised AGAINST using red ink to mark a child's homework (yes, seriously!) - because red seemed to severe, too critical, too alarming, too accusatory, too prejudicial...

 

the word 'issue' softens the condition for the person whose 'issue' it is. It's neutral, it's more rounded, general and uncritical...

 

OK people, here's the thing: (I sound like Dr Phil!)

 

The guy doesn't have 'issues'.

 

The guy has a problem.

It is a problem, and what's more it's HIS problem!

And actually, i'm not talking about the sex drive.

I'm talking about precisely what jwi71 is talking about.

He's in denial, and projecting everything as far away from himself as he can.

 

so let's call a spade, a ruddy shovel - both here - and everywhere else!

If a person has a problem, they need to "own it".

And if it's a problem - let's call it a bloody problem!

 

 

Ok, I'm done..... w(h)ine, anyone?

[TaraMaiden]

Jw171, TM did me a favor and made things clear. Today I've been taken for a mega ride!! Thanks, TM.

 

You know what? You're a doll, but honestly, thanks are not necessary.

you knew all this already, I'm sure. You needed little or no persuasion at all, you'd already seen the light, we just wiped the glass for you... just a leeeetle bit of mud there....

 

Soserious, maybealone, everybody...this is it. I'm done. Oh yeah, I'll give him the watch back. I'll do what he did. I'll send it over to his house for him to find.

Yup.

I think a big fattening, double cream, marshmallows, sprinklin's and crushed nuts dose of no Contact is up for dessert here....

 

I can't stop laughing. Maybe I'm a bit crazy but I really can't believe this is happening!!!! :eek::sick:

 

Good.

Because it beats crying over the jerk, any time....

[2sunny]

His lent thingy - was his way of control, manipulation and very mean spirited to YOU!

 

In lent - when someone gives something up - its designed so that no one else is harmed! But he knew full well you would be affected by HIS CHOICE - and that's just purposefully mean!

 

Then he punishes you again afterwords by making you feel like HIS price if meat.

 

That's not a friend - that's treating you like his victim!

 

And his recent lies... Well - he needs to know from you just how dishonest he really is.

 

Staying would be compromising too many pertinent priorities for me... But you do what you think is best for you.

[findingnemo]

Thanks, jwi71, TBK, TM, 2sunny, Giotto...everybody.

 

2sunny, I am now 100% sure that this behaviour isn't just about sex or lack thereof. It's his coping mechanism and I'm sure it will manifest itself in other areas in his life. Today of all days, I simply can't bring myself to call him "nice" again.

 

TM, he has a problem indeed. BIG PROBLEM!!! And it goes farther than sex. As jwi71 said, what annoys me is how Joe handled all this. Signs of more to come I'm sure.

 

Now I wonder...first I marry a psycho narcissist, then I date Joe. Okay, I've had perfectly normal bfs in my life. But there must be something about me that attracts these people to me even if it's only sometimes. Time to figure out how to read the signs much earlier. I hate this learning curve. It's too steep for my liking.

[2sunny]

Thanks, jwi71, TBK, TM, 2sunny, Giotto...everybody.

 

2sunny, I am now 100% sure that this behaviour isn't just about sex or lack thereof. It's his coping mechanism and I'm sure it will manifest itself in other areas in his life. Today of all days, I simply can't bring myself to call him "nice" again.

 

TM, he has a problem indeed. BIG PROBLEM!!! And it goes farther than sex. As jwi71 said, what annoys me is how Joe handled all this. Signs of more to come I'm sure.

 

Now I wonder...first I marry a psycho narcissist, then I date Joe. Okay, I've had perfectly normal bfs in my life. But there must be something about me that attracts these people to me even if it's only sometimes. Time to figure out how to read the signs much earlier. I hate this learning curve. It's too steep for my liking.

 

It's from your family of origin.

 

You can unlearn what you learned as a child.

 

You can never pick what your old comfort zone would have picked.

 

We learn what to expect from men by our fathers role he played. It's was our "comfort zone = the known" our sense of "normal"

 

You can never choose it again!

[stillafool]

 

 

Is it really possible that some men are so affected by stress that they "fail" to have sex 2 or 3 times a week? Can this situation last almost a year? Am I in a R which may end up sexless? How the hell can one tell if there is a sexual incompatibility? .

 

 

Most men, need more sex when they are stressed out. I think the lack of sex and affection may be telling you something else.

[2sunny]

If he is gay - you may have been his cover up gal!

[TaraMaiden]

there's no rush, don't be hard on yourself, and take things easy for a while...

 

you know, it's easy for me to say, as i have a husband, but -

 

There really is nothing wrong with being alone, cherishing your own company, enjoying a bit of 'me' time and doing what the hell you want, when you want to, why you want to, and even changing your mind mid-stream!

 

We don't need a Significant Other to personify or validate who we are.

 

In my previous relationship, the marriage itself lasted 26 years, although we both agreed it had been over a lot earlier than that - probably 12 years in. And that's being generous....

That's 14 years, I slowly gained independence, did my own thing and established a career for myself, in my own right.

when we moved abroad, we lived in one country, and my ex-H worked just over the border, in another.... and he stayed there the week, and came home for weekends.

Suffice to say, mondays-fridays were bliss.

I hated the weekends, when i had to shift my routine to accommodate a testosterone part-timer....

 

 

So take stock, by all means - but understand that you don't necessarily need to, and you certainly don't need to do it now.

don't over-think things.

 

sometimes it's 'neediness', sometimes it's 'co-dependence'.... and you know what?

 

Sometimes it's just the way it feckin' is.

[maybealone]

Giotto and I will never find the perfect woman since none exist who fit our minimum standard of 10-14X weekly.

 

They exist, they are just paired with LD men.

 

Time to figure out how to read the signs much earlier. I hate this learning curve. It's too steep for my liking.

 

It's got to be rough, but at least you figured it out one year in and with nothing permanent like marriage or kids. You are getting there! It has got to only get easier to spot them from here on.

Edited April 20, 2012 by maybealone

[findingnemo]

I'm having issues with my posts. They time out.

 

Anyway, thank you all for your support. I doubt that I would have handled it like I have without you. For one thing I'd be stuck in the same situation thinking I'm the demanding one. I'd have also thought that he is "normal" and I'm not.

 

Anyway, I don't need to have a SO. Believe me, I'd rather be alone than with someone who makes me unhappy. I have my children - their love is unconditional. I always tell my friends that once you have children you begin to look at Rs differently. They are not the be all end all. They can't be.

 

I'm not heartbroken although I think right now I'm still in shock. I bet I'll start feeling it in a few days. Be that as it may, I no longer serve up my heart on a silver platter for someone to break. Oh no. I'm too jaded for that. But I'm sure when the right man comes along, I'll fall head over heels (with eyes wide open).

 

2sunny, just thinking about me being used like that makes me sick. But in all honesty, I think Joe's primary goal is to have a R however dysfunctional it may be. He too needs to be loved as he is. Unfortunately he picked the wrong woman, just as I picked the wrong man. I will keep his secret. Why? Because I really think that his libido is normal for him and that perhaps he'll be able to find a woman who also is LD. It's possible, isn't it?

 

Stillafool, I am the kind of person who wants more sex when I'm stressed!

 

Thanks, MA. Hopefully next time I'll figure it out BEFORE we get intimate. As I said, this whole kissing 10 frogs before I find my prince isn't something I look forward to.

[mem11363]

Nemo,

Since the hostility level (not you) of many posters has exceeded what I think is warranted, I will add a different view.

 

Many sexually impaired people deprioritize sex because what is culturally acceptable is not aligned with their preferences or they can't attract a mate they find appealing or they just don't like sex that much.

 

Typically those folks sell themselves on the idea that sex isn't or shouldn't be that important to their partners. Joe is guilty of loving you and wanting you to accept him despite the limited sex. Outside this one area he is a decent guy.

 

I am by no means insensitive to your hurt. I will however compare it to a very common situation. A couple pair up. Financially they are quite mismatched (increasingly in today's world the woman is the high earner).

 

From the start the lower income partner is not attracted to the higher income person. But they like everything else so they pretend. 3 kids later all pretending suddenly stops. Years pass as the higher desire partner desperately tries to rekindle a spark that never existed. During that time the low desire partner plays a never ending game of delay and deception.

 

Finally, self esteem crushed, the higher income partner writes a giant check to their deceiver and moves on.

 

 

 

Thanks, jwi71, TBK, TM, 2sunny, Giotto...everybody.

 

2sunny, I am now 100% sure that this behaviour isn't just about sex or lack thereof. It's his coping mechanism and I'm sure it will manifest itself in other areas in his life. Today of all days, I simply can't bring myself to call him "nice" again.

 

TM, he has a problem indeed. BIG PROBLEM!!! And it goes farther than sex. As jwi71 said, what annoys me is how Joe handled all this. Signs of more to come I'm sure.

 

Now I wonder...first I marry a psycho narcissist, then I date Joe. Okay, I've had perfectly normal bfs in my life. But there must be something about me that attracts these people to me even if it's only sometimes. Time to figure out how to read the signs much earlier. I hate this learning curve. It's too steep for my liking.

[findingnemo]

Yeah, mem. I feel that even if I were to "pretend" I can live with this problem, eventually one of us would leave anyway. Either I'd get fed up or he would tire of the constant discussion. I gave it some thought last week. While I know that this situation can seriously affect my self-esteem, imagine what it does to his?

 

I get that he is a decent guy but he won't be if he keeps playing people like this. If this is his coping mechanism, there'll be plenty of women out there who feel as I do. What of those who figure it out after years of dating? Or the one who marries him? I wish he could admit the problem to himself but I also know that I have no idea how he'd practically deal with it in future Rs.

 

Oh, I had the watch delivered to his house. And boy has he sent me text after text. First he was wondering why. When I didn't respond, he got angry. Another thing I'm thinking is that he gets angry a lot and has no issues expressing himself. Looong texts. I wish he was that expressive about other things... Oh well.

[TaraMaiden]

How far away do you live from him?

I'm guessing you live in a location where it might be a simple thing to find a delivery person or company to messenger items like this...?

 

Can you ensure he doesn't come round and pester you or bombard you with delivered messages?

 

How easy would it be for you to block him off completely (phone, mobile, emails...)?

[findingnemo]

We live 5 minutes away from each other. I sent my driver to his house. He can't come to mine just like that though. He hasn't tried to yet. When he delivered the watch he left it with the security guard at the gate. I had my driver do the same.

 

About blocking him? I'll just ignore his calls. I'm very good at that. Same with text messages. It never bothers me when people try to contact me. When I'm done, I'm done. So far I've ignored all texts. He is a proud guy who'll not push it. But I'll find out how blocking works just in case.

[TaraMaiden]

well... at nearly 160 posts and 8 pages, you've come a long way, findingnemo...

 

How are you feeling?