Lack of Affection...

[xxoo]

It is looking more and more like you dodged a bullet with this guy! Sounds like it was an enjoyable relationship for a while, but that while is over. It is good, though, that the end is so clear so fast, without dragging on and on and getting nasty.

 

Sorry that it didn't work out better

[Bellechica]

Nemo, I hope you find someone who will give you that affection you deserve. It seems like this guy doesn't want to change.

[jwi71]

FN,

 

He's not the one for you. He just isn't. He isn't bad or evil or some horrible disfigured Nosferatu. He's just not for you. His role in your life has concluded. There's nothing that anyone did wrong really, just not compatible. And it's a deal breaker. He's not rejecting you. You're not rejecting him really. The sex isn't happening with an acceptable frequency. There is no happy compromise with that.

 

And then you showed some amazing growth.

 

When he handled the situation poorly you didn't. You didn't whine or compromise your integrity - you thought about it. You recognized unhealthy behaviors in him and walked. He doesn't handle conflict in a healthy manner.

 

But YOU did.

 

You have shown some amazing growth from your first threads and posts. I remember them.

 

So here's a bunny:

 

( and I don't "bunny" often or lightly)

 

I'm sorry he isn't the one for you.

But proud in how you handle yourself with class, dignity and integrity.

 

Say your goodbyes.

Reflect a bit.

Then get back out there secure in the knowledge that there was little you could do to MAKE the R work. It wasn't to be.

 

Now go find the one who can be.

Edited April 12, 2012 by jwi71
D@mn autocorrect

[findingnemo]

Thanks, Tara. I had a good laugh but I will say something like that. I'm sure we'll enjoy our "tea".

 

Phateless, if I keep going even I will become ridiculous.

 

xxoo and Belle, yes I will find the kind of guy I want...especially now that I'm dumping this one.

 

jwi71, thank you for that wonderful and uplifting post. I'm not even sad any more about letting him go. I can't imagine a life where I would be running round in circles begging for what should come naturally. Oh well...apart from NPD, let's add sexual incompatibility to the list of issues I've discovered people have. He's not for me and I'm definately not for him. Knowing that is liberating.

 

Now let me sit and wait until he "honors" me with a f2f meeting. He can run but he can't do it forever. I'm NOT going to dump him on the phone. Heck no... I need to say my piece and I'll get my chance sooner or later. I do wish him well and hope he can find a woman who matches him sexually.

[StoneCold]

...especially now that I'm dumping this one.

 

 

 

reeeeaaallllyyy.......

 

Hey Nemo.......are you hot?

 

[TaraMaiden]

Thanks, Tara. I had a good laugh but I will say something like that. I'm sure we'll enjoy our "tea".

 

I really DO hope you manage to say something like that to her... i can't believe the cheek of the man - hiding behind her skirts like that!!

Let us know how it goes.....

 

... I do wish him well and hope he can find a woman who matches him sexually.

 

 

(or man....)

[Toodamnpragmatic]

and look at it as just that..... fun, not confrontational. Talking to another woman and not you is yes immature when he is asking her to intercede too.

 

She probably means well, but it will be eye opening to hear what he has an issue with. One year and less then 1X/wk....

 

I'd cut her off at the knees and ask her if she knows what he unilaterally gave up for lent.....

 

Is there much more to say then just that?

 

Good luck.......

[mem11363]

Nemo,

I wouldn't use the phrase: "he asked you to do his dirty work for him"

 

As Tara suggested, I wouldn't mention a word of specifics to her.

 

He is going through an intermediary because he is panicking. This is simply not a subject he is able to directly address.

 

I think you meet with her, follow Tara's script without the final sentence and that is that.

 

If she wants to volunteer what he told her, she is welcome to. But no matter what it is, I would just raise an eyebrow and say "really". And be silent.

 

Being silent, strategically, deliberately, silent is a lost art.

 

 

and look at it as just that..... fun, not confrontational. Talking to another woman and not you is yes immature when he is asking her to intercede too.

 

She probably means well, but it will be eye opening to hear what he has an issue with. One year and less then 1X/wk....

 

I'd cut her off at the knees and ask her if she knows what he unilaterally gave up for lent.....

 

Is there much more to say then just that?

 

Good luck.......

[TaraMaiden]

Nemo,

I wouldn't use the phrase: "he asked you to do his dirty work for him"

 

As Tara suggested, I wouldn't mention a word of specifics to her.

 

He is going through an intermediary because he is panicking. This is simply not a subject he is able to directly address.

 

I think you meet with her, follow Tara's script without the final sentence and that is that.

 

If she wants to volunteer what he told her, she is welcome to. But no matter what it is, I would just raise an eyebrow and say "really". And be silent.

 

Being silent, strategically, deliberately, silent is a lost art.

I agree with you about the wording.... (mind you, it's all probably happened by now....) I'm sure FN must have adapted her response to the situation...

 

but this -

 

Being silent, strategically, deliberately, silent is a lost art.

 

- is so good, it merits quoting.

More than once.

 

Being silent, strategically, deliberately, silent is a lost art.

[giotto]

 

but this -

 

Being silent, strategically, deliberately, silent is a lost art.

 

- is so good, it merits quoting.

More than once.

 

Shouldn't it be "silence"?

[TaraMaiden]

No.

Let me simplify the statement for you, by differing the punctuation:

 

Being silent - strategically, deliberately, silent - is a lost art.

 

Happy, now...?

 

[giotto]

No.

Let me simplify the statement for you, by differing the punctuation:

 

Being silent - strategically, deliberately, silent - is a lost art.

 

Happy, now...?

 

 

yes... I'll have to go back to school... I read it like this

 

"Being silent, strategically, deliberately... silence is a lost art."

 

so I thought mem had to go back to school...

[giotto]

double post!

[findingnemo]

Crap, I should have read about the benefits of being silent before I met with him.

 

So I met with the lady friend...and had tea.

 

She told me what he said and all I said was that I respect her and believe that she was brought into this situation unnecessarily. I said that at the end of the day he and I have to resolve our issues between ourselves and that he's avoiding this. So there would be no discussion of our R except when he feels ready to talk to me. I didn't even give her the option of us discussing it later. And then we had tea and discussed other things...

 

I've just had my meeting with him. Started off very very well. I told him that I think we are incompatible and that it's not the fault of either of us. I also told him that I didn't think it was fair on him to try and move mountains to get his libido to my level. I talked about my need for affection and how it proves to me someone wants me, etc. I confronted him about something he told our mutual friend. He'd said that he felt like a gigolo when I pestered him for sex. He kept quiet throughout the conversation except to interject a few times that he didn't come to see me to find a solution to our problem. That we should think about it some more, these things take time. He just kept saying that.

 

When he finally spoke, he told me that he was unhappy about the pressure I put on him. That this is the only problem we have. Then all hell broke loose. How we got in an argument is beyond me. Let me just say I should have shut up. I went to his car to get my headphones (in his gym bag) and he lost it. There was nothing suspicious in the bag but he was angry, acting like I'd done something terrible. Yet it seemed contrived somehow. The anger wasn't genuine at the start. But as I kept responding to him, he kept getting angrier and angrier. I tried to bring us back on topic (ie. I'm done) and he just simply ignored me. I finally asked him if he was happy with our R and he said no. So I told him I wasn't either and that we should end this now. He stormed off in huff...

 

Dang!!! The man will absolutely not accept facts. I don't think he can. While I'm a bit disappointed that it turned into a shouting match, I really don't know what else could have happened since he's so determined not to acknowledge my views. I do hope he got it.

 

I will not be having a conversation of this nature again. I certainly was feeling uncomfortable and I'm sure he was too. Oh when he stormed out...he told me he'd call me later. WTF???????:confused:

[giotto]

well, we'll see what happens now! I must say that, from my experience (wife), people with low libidos absolutely hate being put under pressure. Actually, this is one of the biggest mistakes higher libido partners can make. Why? Because they are not magically gong to get one and by putting them under pressure will increase their sense of frustration and eventually will be turned off sex with you completely. So, what's the solution? There isn't one. You have to put up with it and suck it up (no pun intended) or leave. I've learned this the hard way myself. And I wonder why low libido partners seem to be very bad at communicating too...

[TaraMaiden]

...And I wonder why low libido partners seem to be very bad at communicating too...

 

Shame, embarrassment, guilt... low-libido people, living with high-libido people, feel they're lacking in something, or broken, and they're deficient.

they're occasionally made to feel as if they are purposely depriving the other person, out of lack of personal desire, or spite.

Neither of which are necessarily true - in fact, more often than not, they aren't....

Frankly - people are just different, but different people need different things.

He handled it badly.

without a doubt, he handled it badly.

 

now - go No Contact.

and that lesson on 'silence'...?

 

Blissfully pertinent....

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Wanting sex more than 1X/wk early in a relationship is HL????? Really???? There are differing definitions of HL/LL but can we all agree that 2-3X/wk is not HL and that less then 1X/mth is Low.

 

I think that is fair......

 

Good luck FindingNemo, I really hope the best for you and don't understand how he can turn this on you.

 

I'd like the following answers (yes vicarious thrills) from him......

 

 

1. Does he think pressuring for more than 1X/wk is too much?
   
2. What does he consider a fair amount?
   
3. Giving up sex for lent a fair request (forget it was unilateral)?
   
4. Is any display of affection meant to lead to sex all the time?
   

[findingnemo]

TDP, those are very good questions and I know the answers to them even if I didnt ask them directly.

 

1. He doesn't believe that sex 1x a week is abnormal. In fact he says that I should wait until he "feels" like having it and that every time I pressure him, he gets turned off. He basically said he does feel like having sex more than once a week but finds that when he wants to I'm busy in meetings, etc. I can't remember him wanting to have sex and I was unavailable. To this I've always responded by asking why the sex has to be on his schedule and how come it doesn't seem to matter when I want it. I get in the mood very easily...anytime. He says he's different. Yes, he is.

 

2. He says that if we go away for a weekend, then we can have sex all the time. Unfortunately we haven't been able to do this in a while. But I know from experience that when we did, the frequency of sex didn't increase. So this "excuse' doesn't wash...at least not for me.

 

3. Yesterday he told me he consulted with his priest who assured him that its perfectly alright to abstain from sex for Lent and that one doesn't have to consult one's partner. I can't argue with that because I'm not Catholic and so have no idea what is what. I just think that it makes no sense that this is true.

 

4. He firmly believes that any sign of affection from me is a sign I want sex. We discussed this when I asked him how I pressure him. I never state directly that I want sex when I do. I try to seduce him but he immediately pulls away saying he knows what I want. Obviously this ends with me asking him why wanting sex is a crime on my part and how come I never react like that with him. As far as I know, I only discuss sex as a result of being told that this is all I want.

 

He actually said some things to me that made me wonder how he could conveniently "forget" what happened. I remember thinking that it felt like what I went through with my H. He would conveniently forget hurtful things he said and did and at times would leave me questioning my version of events. Well, that's not going to happen again.

 

TaraMaiden, the time for silence is here. Last night I went out to dinner with friends and ignored his calls. Unfortunately he bumped into us and was a bit dramatic... Didn't I say we were done?

 

Silence is the only way he will realise I'm done. Total NC moving forward.

[TaraMaiden]

 

1. He doesn't believe that sex 1x a week is abnormal. In fact he says that I should wait until he "feels" like having it and that every time I pressure him, he gets turned off. He basically said he does feel like having sex more than once a week but finds that when he wants to I'm busy in meetings, etc. I can't remember him wanting to have sex and I was unavailable. To this I've always responded by asking why the sex has to be on his schedule and how come it doesn't seem to matter when I want it. I get in the mood very easily...anytime. He says he's different. Yes, he is.

 

OK. So you know this is bullschytt.

 

2. He says that if we go away for a weekend, then we can have sex all the time. Unfortunately we haven't been able to do this in a while. But I know from experience that when we did, the frequency of sex didn't increase. So this "excuse' doesn't wash...at least not for me.

OK. So you know this is bullschytt too.

 

3. Yesterday he told me he consulted with his priest who assured him that its perfectly alright to abstain from sex for Lent

 

Actually, this ISN'T bullschytt...

 

and that one doesn't have to consult one's partner.

 

...but this is.

 

I can't argue with that because I'm not Catholic and so have no idea what is what. I just think that it makes no sense that this is true.

Remember what judge Judy says:

"If it doesn't make sense, then it isn't true."

She's one facelift short of having pubic goatee but she's one smart cookie...

 

If you could be bothered you might like to suggest that in order to get closer to his religion and understand how much it means to him, you'd love to meet his priest - then slam-dunk the guy and ask him what the hell he's playing at filling your BF's head with bullschytt.... to which I am utterly convinced he will plead complete and genuine ignorance - because your BF has made it up.

If you could be bothered....

 

4. He firmly believes that any sign of affection from me is a sign I want sex. We discussed this when I asked him how I pressure him. I never state directly that I want sex when I do. I try to seduce him but he immediately pulls away saying he knows what I want. Obviously this ends with me asking him why wanting sex is a crime on my part and how come I never react like that with him. As far as I know, I only discuss sex as a result of being told that this is all I want.

 

OK, this ISN'T bullschytt.

 

He's FULL of schytt.

 

He actually said some things to me that made me wonder how he could conveniently "forget" what happened. I remember thinking that it felt like what I went through with my H. He would conveniently forget hurtful things he said and did and at times would leave me questioning my version of events. Well, that's not going to happen again.

No schytt....!

 

TaraMaiden, the time for silence is here. Last night I went out to dinner with friends and ignored his calls. Unfortunately he bumped into us and was a bit dramatic... Didn't I say we were done?

Are you sure he didn't engineer the meeting by looking for you?

What a schytt!

 

today's (silent) word - is schytt.

 

 

you're my heroine!!

[Radu]

TDP, those are very good questions and I know the answers to them even if I didnt ask them directly.

 

1. He doesn't believe that sex 1x a week is abnormal. In fact he says that I should wait until he "feels" like having it and that every time I pressure him, he gets turned off. He basically said he does feel like having sex more than once a week but finds that when he wants to I'm busy in meetings, etc. I can't remember him wanting to have sex and I was unavailable. To this I've always responded by asking why the sex has to be on his schedule and how come it doesn't seem to matter when I want it. I get in the mood very easily...anytime. He says he's different. Yes, he is.

 

2. He says that if we go away for a weekend, then we can have sex all the time. Unfortunately we haven't been able to do this in a while. But I know from experience that when we did, the frequency of sex didn't increase. So this "excuse' doesn't wash...at least not for me.

 

3. Yesterday he told me he consulted with his priest who assured him that its perfectly alright to abstain from sex for Lent and that one doesn't have to consult one's partner. I can't argue with that because I'm not Catholic and so have no idea what is what. I just think that it makes no sense that this is true.

 

4. He firmly believes that any sign of affection from me is a sign I want sex. We discussed this when I asked him how I pressure him. I never state directly that I want sex when I do. I try to seduce him but he immediately pulls away saying he knows what I want. Obviously this ends with me asking him why wanting sex is a crime on my part and how come I never react like that with him. As far as I know, I only discuss sex as a result of being told that this is all I want.

 

He actually said some things to me that made me wonder how he could conveniently "forget" what happened. I remember thinking that it felt like what I went through with my H. He would conveniently forget hurtful things he said and did and at times would leave me questioning my version of events. Well, that's not going to happen again.

 

TaraMaiden, the time for silence is here. Last night I went out to dinner with friends and ignored his calls. Unfortunately he bumped into us and was a bit dramatic... Didn't I say we were done?

 

Silence is the only way he will realise I'm done. Total NC moving forward.

 

I hope you realise how ****ed up #3 is. Really ...

This guy is either feeling guilty over having sex with you (for whatever reason), or he's gay.

 

What country are you from ?

[findingnemo]

Thanks, TaraMaiden. I do rend to go out to the same restaurants. It wouldn't be hard to find me if you know I am out to dinner. He didn't. It was a coincidence. As for "silence", it's working...at least today.

 

Radu, I'm from a country that is very liberal. I think he lied about the whole religious thing. It's a cover...

[Radu]

You mentioned that a gay man can get into a lot of trouble in your country ... highly catholic country ?

[xxoo]

3. Yesterday he told me he consulted with his priest who assured him that its perfectly alright to abstain from sex for Lent and that one doesn't have to consult one's partner.

 

The question is, why would he choose to abstain from sex for Lent, not if it is perfectly alright.

 

Not that it matters anymore!

[The Blue Knight]

First of all I'm posting here because I don't consider myself as dating. I need some help understanding a new man in my life. Here goes...

 

Since April 2011, I've been seeing someone. I think I'm falling in love with him. He's a great person. Anyway, it all started as a friendship from years ago and last year turned into a sexual R. He is single, so no commitment issues there. Everything about him is perfect for me. My only issue is with the way he expresses affection...

 

From the beginning he put me on a schedule of sex once a week. I found that odd but being a busy single mother dismissed it as a concern. He won't hug me, I have to hug him. Kissing is becoming a rare thing. It wasn't something he did a lot from the beginning. It has nothing to do with hygiene or any such thing. I'm meticulous and very picky. He is super clean and really a stud. He goes to the gym daily, is super fit, handsome...basically you would never expect errr...the infrequent sex. And he's only 37.

 

It just seems to me that almost a year into being together, he isn't getting any more affectionate with me than he was in the beginning. At first he said he was super stressed and that when he's stressed his libido takes a dive. Now we're getting closer and closer but without the affection. He won't just touch me - my arm, my back, anything. When we have sex, it can range from seriously good with all the foreplay etc to sex without kissing. Then he'll immediately jump out of bed and take a shower. I'm totally confused as to what is going on.

 

When I talked to him about the lack of spontaneous sex last night, he said I have a super high libido. I've tried to bring up the lack of hugs and kisses but he skirts the issue. And then starts hugging me for a couple of days before he goes back to being...well, himself again. Recently he decided to fast. He's Catholic. He fasted the whole 40 days - no sex. While I didn't appreciate it, I suppose it's his choice being religious and all and I let it go. But Easter came and went. Yesterday I returned from the long weekend away and he stayed away from me saying we'll have sex today. So basically it's 40 days plus.... I feel a bit silly because I lost it last night and told him off.

 

Is it really possible that some men are so affected by stress that they "fail" to have sex 2 or 3 times a week? Can this situation last almost a year? Am I in a R which may end up sexless? How the hell can one tell if there is a sexual incompatibility? I really don't want to go farther down this road if this is a sign of things to come. I really like this man but I know that I won't be able to handle begging for affection for the rest of my life.

 

Any help and advice would be greatly appreciated.

I don't get the "jump out of bed and take a shower" post sex thing? Is he showering because of the sex or is that the time of day he normally showers? That's just down right weird if it's because of the sex.

 

Could be the Catholic thing. As someone who came up in that miserably mixed-up denomination I can tell you a lot of individuals (mostly women) are sexually confused, inhibited, or they go the other direction as some kind of backlash and start having sex with everyone they find. It never happened to me because I bolted from Catholicism at 18 and never looked back.

 

Nemo, bottom line is if sex is a problem at this stage when most couples are still having sex twice a day . . . there's bigger problems to come my dear. Sorry to say that. You're a cool gal and you need a compatible partner.

[The Blue Knight]

The thing is...it's easier for me to deal with a sexless situation because it's clear. Or even one where a man isn't attracted to me. Reading your post helps me figure out certain things.

 

1. He's already said that the more pressure I put on him, the less he feels like...you know. He tells me to accept him the way he is and to wait for the kisses and hugs.

 

2. On the issue of stress. You're right. He seems fine when it comes to other stuff. He jokes, laughs, tells stories. He enjoys nice things and shares them with me. The only thing the "stress" affects is sex and affection.

 

3. I didn't know men who don't like sex are also not affectionate. I will read up on this.

 

Come to think of it, he does act like someone who doesn't want to be touched except in bed. And he prefers to take complete control...as in no real fancy moves from me. It's annoying that it's taken me this long to figure it out. I think I've been concentrating on other qualities... He is constantly being hit on by other women and I've not heard of there being a problem with his sex drive from the grapevine. So maybe this is something one can only learn from being intimate.

 

I have to extricate myself from this situation...

I'm confused frankly by his having sex at all before marriage if he's a traditional Catholic. There is massive guilt associated with such behavior if you're "a good Catholic."