Arrangrl Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 Hi there I haven't been on here for a while but long story short, gave my guy an ultimatum to leave, he never, we split but I stupidly got back together with him. He has told me that in order for us to ever have a future he has to not have me in his life at all, to determine whether or not I am the reason he is staying with his wife ( in other words, I make it tolerable) and to see what life would be be like for him, minus me in it. Does this sound like he is trying to let me down gently( he says it isn't) or is he genuinely trying to make an informed decision regarding the future Any comments would be helpful Arran Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 Go No Contact, completely. If it hits a year then you'll know his decision. CAUTION: His throwing you breadcrumbs and meeting for sex is not an indication that he is serious. his leaving his wife - is serious. Therefore, withhold all contact - and certainly DO NOT have sex with him ever - unless he has already left his wife. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 Hi there I haven't been on here for a while but long story short, gave my guy an ultimatum to leave, he never, we split but I stupidly got back together with him. He has told me that in order for us to ever have a future he has to not have me in his life at all, to determine whether or not I am the reason he is staying with his wife ( in other words, I make it tolerable) and to see what life would be be like for him, minus me in it. Does this sound like he is trying to let me down gently( he says it isn't) or is he genuinely trying to make an informed decision regarding the future Any comments would be helpful Arran You can't know until you go NC and do as he's asked. It could be that he's trying to make a decision. It could be that he already has. The only way to know is to NC and live your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Fitz Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 He has told me that in order for us to ever have a future he has to not have me in his life at all... Only someone in the fog of denial could believe that this makes any rational sense at all. If someone truly loves you, they won't hide behind excuses like this. ...to determine whether or not I am the reason he is staying with his wife If he doesn't understand why he's staying with his wife, what has that got to do with you? Again, if he truly loves you, he wouldn't have to come up with a test to prove it to himself. ] Does this sound like he is trying to let me down gently? Absolutely. He's in too deep with the affair, and is looking for an escape route. Because you want more of a relationship than he can give you, and he's looking for a way to cool things off without getting you so upset that you tell his wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PeineDeCoeur Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 (edited) Hi there I haven't been on here for a while but long story short, gave my guy an ultimatum to leave, he never, we split but I stupidly got back together with him. He has told me that in order for us to ever have a future he has to not have me in his life at all, to determine whether or not I am the reason he is staying with his wife ( in other words, I make it tolerable) and to see what life would be be like for him, minus me in it. Does this sound like he is trying to let me down gently( he says it isn't) or is he genuinely trying to make an informed decision regarding the future Any comments would be helpful Arran I actually think there is some sense to his logic. This is one of the concepts that got through to me - that seeing my MM and being physical with him made his life, his M tolerable. Meanwhile, I was miserable, feeling attached to him and wanting more relationship than he was prepared to give. Go NC for awhile, see how you feel 30 days from now, 60 days from now. You may find you feel differently once you gain some distance from it. Do what is best for YOU now. He may leave his wife, but he may not. Either way, I agree with the others here - NC is the way to go. Let him sort himself out, without you waiting in the wings. Move on with your life. It will hurt, but you will be better off without the emotional roller-coaster. Edited April 10, 2012 by PeineDeCoeur abc 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 Hi there I haven't been on here for a while but long story short, gave my guy an ultimatum to leave, he never, we split but I stupidly got back together with him. I've said it before and I'll say it again: ultimatums are rarely given from a position of power and if given had best be adhered to. Failing to follow up on "the else" only weakens you in the eyes of the recipient. He has told me that in order for us to ever have a future he has to not have me in his life at all, to determine whether or not I am the reason he is staying with his wife ( in other words, I make it tolerable) and to see what life would be be like for him, minus me ... This is some fairly sound thinking on his part. He wishes to test if it's you the person or the way you distract him from his M. It's also a huge slap in the face (provided he truly thinks this). More likely, you are being put on the back burner. Not dumped mind you as he may, should he choose, return to your bed at a future date. When it suits him. Maybe. But until the that time, please wait for my call. Another huge slap in the face. And, your failure to deliver the "or else" in your ultimatum empowers him to treat you like that. Seriously, in the years I've been here and elsewhere. That's one of the most disrespectful, crass, arrogant things anyone has ever had the gall to say. Tie his nuts in a pretzel and walk. Does this sound like he is trying to let me down gently( he says it isn't) or is he genuinely trying to make an informed decision regarding the future No. He's being an asshat. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arrangrl Posted April 10, 2012 Author Share Posted April 10, 2012 Some very insightful responses. Thanks. At this point I am seeing him on a 'friends only' basis and no contact other than a cup of tea, catch up etc. I don't think I am deluding myself, I feel he is genuinely torn about what to do..his feelings for me, then walking away from a 30 year long marriage. However, I am also aware I may be the most naive woman that has walked this planet. Link to post Share on other sites
donnamaybe Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 He is actually on the money with regard to making a huge decision like that. One should NOT decide whether or not to stay in a M based on an outsider, and that is what you are at this point. I don't say that to be mean. It's just a fact. Staying "friends" is not a good idea, though, IMO. It keeps you too involved, and it keeps his mind on something other than his M. If the M is salvagable, wouldn't you rather know that for certain instead of being the next branch he swings to when what could be the problem is something inside him? If it is not salvagable, then it would be a better starting point for anything between you in the future to not be his "other option." To start fresh. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 Some very insightful responses. Thanks. At this point I am seeing him on a 'friends only' basis and no contact other than a cup of tea, catch up etc. I don't think I am deluding myself, I feel he is genuinely torn about what to do..his feelings for me, then walking away from a 30 year long marriage. However, I am also aware I may be the most naive woman that has walked this planet. Put yourself in his shoes for a minute. Would you just up and leave a 30 year marriage without really giving it your best effort to try to salvage it? Throw kids into that mix, in laws, extended family, friends and the life you built together.. One doesn't just walk away from all that unless they are sure it's over and they are ready for divorce. This is why he needs space from you, detach from you so he can figure out what he is best for him. Respect that. DO the NC and take that time to focus on you, your life, your friends, family and whatever else you have going on.. He is putting himself first, so you need to put yourself first too. After this meeting for tea/coffee, no more. Take that as a goodbye and let yourself detach. stay in NC mode.. NO sex, no texts, no emails/calls, nothing. Tell him you're giving him 6 months to figure it out and then after those 6 months you two can talk and see where things are. Chances are nothing will have changed and he'll give you that I don't know/Not sure if I can leave line.. If that is the case, you end it and say goodbye forever. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arrangrl Posted April 10, 2012 Author Share Posted April 10, 2012 I have spent a great deal of time with this man and I do understand the enormous difficulty he has in leaving whatever security he has. I really believe that if I give him space he will make the right decision for him. He is a ' head in the sand' type of man and won't rock the boat unless he really had to. My gut feeling is that he is not distancing himself from me, or letting me down gently- to give himself the best possible damage limitation, it really isn't. I truly feel that. I think that is great advice that the majority of you have given me- let him be and get on with my own life and if it's meant to be- it will be. So difficult when you look forward to seeing someone's wee face at the end of the day though. I honestly don't feel he has played me although I'm sure some people do. Thanks for everyone's input Arran Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arrangrl Posted April 10, 2012 Author Share Posted April 10, 2012 And yes Alice it would appear that we are both pretty emotionally weak people - him for not having the guts to leave or face his problems - me for not having the guts to tell him where to go Arran Link to post Share on other sites
TurningTables Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 Arran, I remember you and your story. You joined LS about the time I found it. I looked back to refresh my memory about what happen. I do have a question for you thought. How long did NC go on for before you cracked and went back? The reason I ask this is because the longer NC goes on, the more clear you get about things. I think it gives every person in a difficult situation time to realize how they really feel about what is going on. If you didnt give it enough time, I dont think you got a clear picture. I do agree with Donna that you shouldnt be friends. You cannot be friends with someone that you had a A with. Its just not possiable. It keeps everyone in the same place and healing will never begin if that person is still in your life. My advice to you is to go to NC and tell him. Tell him you cannot live this way any more. Tell him that it hurts you to be a secret and then let him go. If he truly loves and cares about you, he will leave until he decides. He needs to make this decision on his own or else he will more than likely resent you for pushing him. Even if he did leave, you guys dont have much of a fighting chance because only stats are low for M's to last when they start out as A's. If he chooses to leave, you have to give him space to sort out his life and greive the M. It could take a couple of years and then, he might not even end up with you.Then where will YOU be? Wasted away years of your life on someone who you didnt end up with. As for healing for you, try going to IC or finding someone to confide in. I think it will help. NC is extremely hard to do on your own without anyone to talk to. Especially when that someone has been in your day to day life for a long period of time. Its going to hurt and somedays you are going to say " Will this damn day ever end?". However, I promise you, in time these things will fade and you will start to feel better. And hey, if a couple of years pass by, and he comes back to you free and you are free, then go for it. Best wishes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arrangrl Posted April 10, 2012 Author Share Posted April 10, 2012 Thanks Alice, wish I had a crystal ball like yours Arran Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 I left a 26 year marriage 2 weeks after meeting my new husband. What's his excuse? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arrangrl Posted April 10, 2012 Author Share Posted April 10, 2012 Thanks TT Never lasted NC at all I'm ashamed to say - we both get into such a state- snottery noses - blubbering etc. I'm going to try though Plenty of help from both his family , my family and friends Arran Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arrangrl Posted April 10, 2012 Author Share Posted April 10, 2012 He's a scardey cat Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 No. He likes the best of both worlds/ wants his cake and to eat it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TurningTables Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 Thanks TT Never lasted NC at all I'm ashamed to say - we both get into such a state- snottery noses - blubbering etc. I'm going to try though Plenty of help from both his family , my family and friends Arran Hey... Its ok. Breaking NC= Almost each and every one of us has done it! So dont feel bad. You have to just pull yourself together and get back to it. I think each time I/xMM broke NC, I learned something new. Something about myself, about him and about the EA. Its really hard. I think once you get the point where you are just "fed up" it starts to stick. I also believe that once you start to feel better about things, it also re-affirms that you are doing the right thing. Keep posting and remember about the advice you get here: take what you need and leave the rest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arrangrl Posted April 10, 2012 Author Share Posted April 10, 2012 TT Thanks and will try. I know exactly what u mean about becoming fed up- think I'm just about there. I wonder what on earth I'm scared of? Alice - life is never just black and white Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 I wonder what on earth I'm scared of? Final rejection. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arrangrl Posted April 10, 2012 Author Share Posted April 10, 2012 Yes I guess you are right - final rejection. I'm in love with him and look forward to spending time with him. Guess that's a scary thought for me him not being around any more Link to post Share on other sites
Author Arrangrl Posted April 10, 2012 Author Share Posted April 10, 2012 And Alice I don't think he has ever viewed me as a potential threat in any way at all Link to post Share on other sites
wannabdone Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 Hi there I haven't been on here for a while but long story short, gave my guy an ultimatum to leave, he never, we split but I stupidly got back together with him. He has told me that in order for us to ever have a future he has to not have me in his life at all, to determine whether or not I am the reason he is staying with his wife ( in other words, I make it tolerable) and to see what life would be be like for him, minus me in it. Does this sound like he is trying to let me down gently( he says it isn't) or is he genuinely trying to make an informed decision regarding the future Any comments would be helpful Arran Hi Arran, I'm so sorry for your pain your going through. With out a little more back ground that is hard to say whether he is being sincere or not. But I do know, that having an A does make it tolerable to stay in your M. That often does happen. I would let him go and see if it is the case. Fact is you deserve better. You deserve someone there for you and to just love you. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 Hi there I haven't been on here for a while but long story short, gave my guy an ultimatum to leave, he never, we split but I stupidly got back together with him. He has told me that in order for us to ever have a future he has to not have me in his life at all, to determine whether or not I am the reason he is staying with his wife ( in other words, I make it tolerable) and to see what life would be be like for him, minus me in it. Does this sound like he is trying to let me down gently( he says it isn't) or is he genuinely trying to make an informed decision regarding the future Any comments would be helpful Ok, he's a cheating jackass who is having his cake. Why do you want a cheater and a liar? Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 (edited) Yes I guess you are right - final rejection. I'm in love with him and look forward to spending time with him. Guess that's a scary thought for me him not being around any more ...But you know what? Finality can be bittersweet, in that, when it's over and behind you at least you can go ahead, grieve and move on. That to me, is like a burden being lifted. No more wondering, waiting, and any of the other feelings that you've experienced. ...at least you know and eventually you do heal. Edited April 10, 2012 by skywriter 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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