Am I being stupid or hopeful

[donnamaybe]

I wouldn't mind getting caught since I never liked the secrecy to begin with, but in our case the wife seems to have blinders on. We think she doesn't want to know. As long as he is still there that is enough for her. No sex, no intimacy, but he is still there physically, more as a room mate and father to the children than anything else.

 

That's what he tells you. One cannot possibly know what really goes on in the marital home unless they live there, particularly when said home is on another continent.

[alexandria35]

I wouldn't mind getting caught since I never liked the secrecy to begin with, but in our case the wife seems to have blinders on. We think she doesn't want to know. As long as he is still there that is enough for her. No sex, no intimacy, but he is still there physically, more as a room mate and father to the children than anything else.

 

 

You don't make any sense. In an earlier post you say he is slowly detatching from the marriage, yet in this post you describe two people who are already detached from their marriage. If he is there only as a roommate then what is he sloooowly detatching from? Sounds like the only thing left for him to do is move out so why doesn't he just do it already?

 

Oh and I'm sure the only reason his wife doesn't know about the affair is because she has blinders on and doesn't want to know. I'm sure he doesn't lie to her or gaslight her at all:rolleyes:

[wannabdone]

My belief is, if he loves you like you think, nothing would stop him from leaving his wife. I think he is feeding you a bunch of baloney. He is letting you go; he wants to do it kindly, so you don't go bat crazy and tell his wife (and as much as you say he knows you won't, he knows a woman scorned is a powerful thing). There have been many MM who lie and lie to their OW; that sex with the wife is done, they sleep in separate beds. A MM told his OW he had sex with his wife. OW did not like that. She told the MM if he had sex with his wife again, she would tell. Guess what; magically, he and the wife never have sex again. MM lie. Period. I know so many OW refuse to believe they lie to them; but it happens. Many former OW can attest to that.

 

Let him go. If it was meant to be, it will be. Stop having tea, stop staying in contact. You cannot make him leave his wife. If he wanted to, he would. You wrote:

 

 

 

This says to me he doesn't love you. He would have no hesitation; no need to 'see' what makes him stay.

 

People who aren't having affairs divorce every day. This guy has an OW who would gladly step into the role of wife; and yet, he hesitates. That should say something to you.

 

Just because you gave in before on NC doesn't mean anything besides you were weak and had no boundaries. Don't make threats unless you are going to back it up with action. Just because he may break NC doesn't mean anything has changed for him, just means he is weak and wants an ego boost.

 

Why do people make so many excuses? If he loved you, he would be with you. It IS that simple. He obviously isn't as invested as you are. That's okay. He just isn't on the same page as you. Kiss him goodbye and wish him a nice life. You don't have to stay his "friend" to ensure he knows you love him. He will know that whether you are friends or not. You have told him. Just because you don't see him everyday doesn't mean he will forget that. Walk away now, with your dignity. Don't cling or become needy. Crying won't make a guy love you or stay with you if he doesn't want to be with you.

 

 

 

 

I believe trinity has posted before that she would love to get caught. But considering her affair is a long distance affair, there is very little chance of that. She could always help the discovery along by calling the wife and letting her in on the secret.

 

I believe she is very much a "if you really love the MM you will wait and wait and wait -- he could have split self or some other mental deficiency" or "if you are happy with the MM and would be unhappy without him, then stay because he makes you happy".

 

Some people have no problem with waiting and waiting on a "maybe". Like someone else posted, she knew within weeks of meeting someone new that her current relationship was not what she wanted and took ACTION to end a marriage.

 

In your situation, I think he has already decided he is staying where he is and is trying to let you down easy. I know it is hard to accept, but in my opinion, the best thing you can do for yourself is walk away and grieve the ending. Stop slowly pulling off the bandaid and rip it off.

 

Good luck.

 

 

In the south we say "don't write checks, your a$$ can't cash".

 

To your question as to why they make excuses... I think because the cold hard truth sometimes is too cold and hard. Knowing that you loved someone so dearly and it wasn't returned is difficult. But, once you do realize that and greive it...whew, what relief!

[whichwayisup]

I wouldn't mind getting caught since I never liked the secrecy to begin with, but in our case the wife seems to have blinders on. We think she doesn't want to know. As long as he is still there that is enough for her. No sex, no intimacy, but he is still there physically, more as a room mate and father to the children than anything else.

 

Typical MM line.

 

If he was 'on the verge of divorcing her' don't you think he would actually TELL her he's unhappy and wanting out of the marriage? These MM have NO balls..They continue the A, make the OW (you in this case) believe that the marriage is dead, yet he still lives life with her, does family things, family outings, celebrations ,bday's, holidays etc., sleep in the same bed. What you don't see is, you are filling in a huge need of his and because of that, he isn't going to leave..Why would he give up one woman when he can have TWO!

 

People who want out, want a divorce, make it happen. there's no bullcrap line about detaching and slowly moving towards having "the conversation". Sorry Trin, your MM may mean what he says to you while he's with you, but as soon as he gets home, he means what he says to his wife.

 

Me thinks you're the one who has blinders on..Sorry.

[MissBee]

Typical MM line.

 

If he was 'on the verge of divorcing her' don't you think he would actually TELL her he's unhappy and wanting out of the marriage? These MM have NO balls..They continue the A, make the OW (you in this case) believe that the marriage is dead, yet he still lives life with her, does family things, family outings, celebrations ,bday's, holidays etc., sleep in the same bed. What you don't see is, you are filling in a huge need of his and because of that, he isn't going to leave..Why would he give up one woman when he can have TWO!

People who want out, want a divorce, make it happen. there's no bullcrap line about detaching and slowly moving towards having "the conversation". Sorry Trin, your MM may mean what he says to you while he's with you, but as soon as he gets home, he means what he says to his wife.

 

Me thinks you're the one who has blinders on..Sorry.

 

I couldn't agree more.

 

It's still unbelievably illogical to me that with a 50 something percent divorce rate, knowing so many people with divorced parents, knowing people who did not cheat and got divorced, people who had kids and divorced etc....that people really believe that someone who truly wants to divorce won't do it or will take 10 years to do so or it has to be some "slow" process of never saying anything to their spouse. It makes no sense. It would seem like even if you didn't divorce immediately, if you wanted out you'd at least separate formally or even informally and let your spouse know the truth then divorce. As to me, the divorce, while important, is not as important as telling the truth. A man who is not divorced but at least told his wife he wants a divorce, has moved out or admits he is going to date others is a lot better than one who is doing some imaginary detaching and planning an imaginary divorce...

 

How do you plan your divorce without letting your spouse know?????? It is illogical. Well I suppose you can just have them served randomly, I don't know, but all these so-called plans and detaching....how does one do this practically while never bringing up the D word?? I think someone who does this and expects the person to assume or guess that this means they want a divorce has to be the biggest punk alive.

Edited April 12, 2012 by MissBee

[Arrangrl]

Folks

 

Thanks so much, I have read over and over your responses. I just have a genaral feeling of sadness in my heart that I am just another statistic. I really believed that I would be the exception to the rule.

 

Like a lot of people on here, I consider my self a fairly intelligent woman with a lot of life experience behind her. I have never felt so out of my depth.

 

Yes I understand that life goes on, I know time is a great healer etc etc but it's so difficult when you actually feel you are losing your 'soul mate' ...I guess this is what you folks refer to as 'affair fog'

 

Prob not the best time to end anything, as I lost my wee mum in February, so he has been even mnore of a support to me.

 

It's like standing at the edge of a cliff waithing to jump off.

 

Arran

[TaraMaiden]

Oh a

do that... apparently it's utterly thrilling and dare-devil - it shows a careless abandon and adventurous spirit - throwing yourself into the unknown, soaring on the air-currents and seeing a glorious landscape spread before , breathtakingly beautiful and verdant, and lush....

 

of course, these people also wear a parachute.

 

your parachute is called "LS"......

[wannabdone]

I have to disagree with this. I don't necessarily believe it is simply the choice between two women. Sometimes, yes and sometimes, no. I think there are a lot of considerations, and typically the marriage wins, but I don't think it's always because he loves the wife more. To be fair, I don't always think the MP who leaves to be with an AP does it because he loves her more either. I think sometimes it just boils down to the highest comfort level for the MP.

 

Just look at these boards where there are a lot of men and women, that aren't cheating, that stay in unhappy marriages because they don't want to leave the kids, sell the house, split finances, lose the familiar history and joint social and family ties, etc.

 

Those considerations don't fall off the face of the earth because a third person is involved. I've come to the conclusion that "staying for the kids" or "can't afford to split" or whatever the MP deems as the reason for staying, may be very valid reasons for staying in a marriage to him. They are NOT; however, valid reasons for trying to start or continue an affair. Those reasons don't give him license to start another romantic relationship outside of the marriage. If he choses to stay in the marriage, then that's where he needs to be! Not in some other woman's bed.

 

If the MP wasn't putting himself and his own feelings and desires first, he wouldn't be in an A. So I definitely think the discomfort (at the very least) that comes with getting a divorce might be more than they're willing to subject themselves to.

 

I also disagree that a MM is generally not compensated for an unhappy marriage with financial security. Maybe not in the way you're thinking of it (with the reference to 19th century women) but if you take a man who appreciates the value of money and tell him that to walk away from a marriage he will lose half of what's in the accounts, retirements funds, acquired assets, and have to pay child support and possibly alimony on top of that...do you not think he would feel his financial security is at risk? I do.

 

 

Statsitics show that D rate has actually declined, due to the fact ppl can not afford to get a D. with the current economy, a lot of ppl are choosing to stay M.

[Owl]

In a recent discussion with our adult son who's been "in a relationship" with someone who quite honestly does not reciprocate his feelings, my wife and I tried to make a point to him.

 

"Don't make someone a priority in your life when they view you as an option".

 

Something that many long-term, LDR OW might bear in mind. If you're a long distance away, and he's not moving with any kind of alacrity towards resolving that...you're an option, not a priority. He's got a full life right where he's at...which is his priority. He enjoys having you available as an OPTION...but he's not willing to make you a priority. If you were indeed a priority, he'd be moving with some effort towards divorce and including you full time into his life. His very pace should indicate to you that you're not a priority in his life.

 

Choosing to make him a priority in your life when you're not a priority in his just leads to heartache...as we've tried to help our son see as well.

[donnamaybe]

I have to disagree with this. I don't necessarily believe it is simply the choice between two women. Sometimes, yes and sometimes, no. I think there are a lot of considerations, and typically the marriage wins, but I don't think it's always because he loves the wife more. To be fair, I don't always think the MP who leaves to be with an AP does it because he loves her more either. I think sometimes it just boils down to the highest comfort level for the MP.

And the highest comfort level of all? Two women at his beck and call.

[FightClub]

My belief is, if he loves you like you think, nothing would stop him from leaving his wife. I think he is feeding you a bunch of baloney. He is letting you go; he wants to do it kindly, so you don't go bat crazy and tell his wife (and as much as you say he knows you won't, he knows a woman scorned is a powerful thing). There have been many MM who lie and lie to their OW; that sex with the wife is done, they sleep in separate beds. A MM told his OW he had sex with his wife. OW did not like that. She told the MM if he had sex with his wife again, she would tell. Guess what; magically, he and the wife never have sex again. MM lie. Period. I know so many OW refuse to believe they lie to them; but it happens. Many former OW can attest to that.

 

Let him go. If it was meant to be, it will be. Stop having tea, stop staying in contact. You cannot make him leave his wife. If he wanted to, he would. You wrote:

 

 

 

This says to me he doesn't love you. He would have no hesitation; no need to 'see' what makes him stay.

 

People who aren't having affairs divorce every day. This guy has an OW who would gladly step into the role of wife; and yet, he hesitates. That should say something to you.

 

Just because you gave in before on NC doesn't mean anything besides you were weak and had no boundaries. Don't make threats unless you are going to back it up with action. Just because he may break NC doesn't mean anything has changed for him, just means he is weak and wants an ego boost.

 

Why do people make so many excuses? If he loved you, he would be with you. It IS that simple. He obviously isn't as invested as you are. That's okay. He just isn't on the same page as you. Kiss him goodbye and wish him a nice life. You don't have to stay his "friend" to ensure he knows you love him. He will know that whether you are friends or not. You have told him. Just because you don't see him everyday doesn't mean he will forget that. Walk away now, with your dignity. Don't cling or become needy. Crying won't make a guy love you or stay with you if he doesn't want to be with you.

 

 

 

 

I believe trinity has posted before that she would love to get caught. But considering her affair is a long distance affair, there is very little chance of that. She could always help the discovery along by calling the wife and letting her in on the secret.

 

I believe she is very much a "if you really love the MM you will wait and wait and wait -- he could have split self or some other mental deficiency" or "if you are happy with the MM and would be unhappy without him, then stay because he makes you happy".

 

Some people have no problem with waiting and waiting on a "maybe". Like someone else posted, she knew within weeks of meeting someone new that her current relationship was not what she wanted and took ACTION to end a marriage.

 

In your situation, I think he has already decided he is staying where he is and is trying to let you down easy. I know it is hard to accept, but in my opinion, the best thing you can do for yourself is walk away and grieve the ending. Stop slowly pulling off the bandaid and rip it off.

 

Good luck.

 

 

Hockyfan,

 

Thank you for pointing out a few of the things in the OP's post, especially the part about her MM 'having to go back to the marriage to see if he wants to be with her.'

 

I was told something almost exactly the same with exMW, while our EA was at it's highest point she felt the same way and I immediately responded by walking away at that point.

 

Amazingly, a week of NC and she was back, things became more intense and then we met up with a final PA.

 

Looking back, I recognize now that it's true, if someone wants to be with you, they will do what is necessary and not backtrack.

 

It's just surreal until you have time away from it in NC, to really see clearly that which seemed so clouded.

 

Like Owl posted above, especially in LDR-type of affairs, the AP truly has no clue as to what is really going on.

 

Thanks again, HF!

 

-FC

Edited April 12, 2012 by FightClub

[trinity1]

Folks

 

Thanks so much, I have read over and over your responses. I just have a genaral feeling of sadness in my heart that I am just another statistic. I really believed that I would be the exception to the rule.

 

Like a lot of people on here, I consider my self a fairly intelligent woman with a lot of life experience behind her. I have never felt so out of my depth.

 

Yes I understand that life goes on, I know time is a great healer etc etc but it's so difficult when you actually feel you are losing your 'soul mate' ...I guess this is what you folks refer to as 'affair fog'

 

Prob not the best time to end anything, as I lost my wee mum in February, so he has been even mnore of a support to me.

 

It's like standing at the edge of a cliff waithing to jump off.

 

Arran

 

Arrangrl, I'm so sorry for your mom. I understand how hard it must be to already be grieving her and now also have to face the grief that comes from ending a relationship. I wish you the best. I hope you have friends in real life who can support you through this difficult time.

 

((((Arrangrl))))

[Arrangrl]

Thanks to everyone

 

The one thing that has stuck out in my mind is ' Don't make someone a priority, if you are only an option to them.'

I can't get it out my mind. Yes I have planty of friends to support me re missing my mum....greatest friends in the world tbh.

 

They all agree with you guys on here though, NC has to be my only option now.

 

Big breath girls. Don't think I'll make a big deal about it , as it upsets me too much, will just quietly implement it.

 

Thanks everyone... will keep you all updated.

 

Arran x

[Radagast]

Hi there

 

I haven't been on here for a while but long story short, gave my guy an ultimatum to leave, he never, we split but I stupidly got back together with him.

 

He has told me that in order for us to ever have a future he has to not have me in his life at all, to determine whether or not I am the reason he is staying with his wife ( in other words, I make it tolerable) and to see what life would be be like for him, minus me in it.

 

Does this sound like he is trying to let me down gently( he says it isn't) or is he genuinely trying to make an informed decision regarding the future

 

Any comments would be helpful

 

Arran

 

I realise I am coming very late to this thread and that much may already have been resolved. The point I wanted to make was simply that there is only one way forward for you here.

 

If you still hope one day to be together with him, you need to honour his request for no contact at this time, as he feels this is necessary to allow him to resolve his own internal conflicts.

 

If you no longer wish for a relationship with him, then no contact allows you to end the pretense that you can have a friendship with him.

 

If you don't care either way, then you have nothing to lose by no contact since he clearly no longer means that much to you.

 

There has been much speculation on this thread over whether he is dumping you or wanting time out to resolve his own conflicts. Frankly it could be either. There is only one way to find out and you will know in the fullness of time which it is. If he does contact you in the future having resolved that he wants a future with you, you will have the choice at that point as to whether you want to be a part of that or not. And if he does not, you will have lost nothing by moving on with your life.

 

I hope you find your own peace, whichever way.