Heartbroken after falling in love with someone with bipolar

[red83]

So about 7 months ago I split with my partner of 9 years. The split was amicable and we're still good friends. I was quite vulnerable after the split as I had been with him since I was 19 and never lived alone before or pretty much done anything alone before.

 

A male friend persued me very intensely. He made me feel so special like I had never before. he's in a band he and he wrote a song about me. I was very flattered. i went to his house and there was image stuck on his coffee table (I am a model and performer), also a life size poster of me in bedroom. He even had my stage name tattooed on his bum! I was blown away and it hindsight should have may be been a little scared. But I was flattered no one had ever admired me so intensely.

 

We started sleeping together but I refused to get in to a relationship as I was cared I would get hurt. I kept him at arms length and maintained control. Then he told me he loved. At this point I melted. It was the best sex i've ever had and we had such a strong connection. Then the day I said I love you too and agreed to give the relationship a go things all changed.

 

He became distant and grumpy and started putting other things before me and the time we spent together. I found out he had bipolar but made the descision to stick it out through the bad times. At this time he stopped taking his medication and we were both going through a stressful time as we were both performing at fairly prominient music festival. After the few days at the festival I told him I think he had been taking me for granted and I think we needed some space to decide what we wanted.

 

After a week we went out for dinner and decided to give things a real go. For months we were happy, he constantly told me he loved, i was amazing, i was his best friend and no woman has ever understood him like me. he went on new medication and he was just brilliant. He even asked me to move in with him.

 

Fast forward 3 weeks. We went away for the weekend for one of my gigs and I felt the same distance as before, again he stopped takings his meds. Tuesday morning he texts me saying i'm wonderful and that he loves and can't wait to see me tonight. I go to his house he barely speaks to me. Wednesday I phone him at work and say we need to talk and can he come around to my place that evening. he agrees but later wont come. I call him Thursday I say we really need to talk, he's distant on the phone but agrees, he says he will call me after work. he doesn't. I went around to his house and let myself in he was asleep in bed! I woke him up and we spoke. I asked him out right "do you love me?" to which he replies "No, I don't think I do"!

 

Friday he came to pick up his stuff and we ended up in a huge fight. I asked him when he started having doubts he replied a few weeks ago. I asked him then why did you ask me to move in. He couldn't answer me, he can't explain why all of sudden he stopped loving me. It ended badly with him storming out and seriously contemplating suicide ( I found out later he had gone somewhere to kill himself).

 

A few hours aleter i'm upset and end up crashing my car. he runs to my aide and we end up having a calm chat and saying goodbye properly. Since then he's actually bought me a new car as mien was a right off.

 

But I'm just confused how someone who loved me so intensely can just wake up one day and not love me. I feel humilated for being sucked in by this whirlwind, but yet I can't hate him because I know he's sick.

 

I feel so lost and scared and we live in a small town so there is no avoiding him. I just have never experienced pain like this. when will it go away?

[BewitchedandBothered]

He is bipolar and not taking his meds as he should. You don't need that. He is clearly unstable.

[red83]

I know I don't need it and I know he's unstable but it doesn't stop it hurting like hell.

 

I'm so angry. Angry that he would love me so intensely and then one day wake up and decide he didn't love me anymore.

 

I wonder if the love he felt for me was ever real or just his bipolar.

 

Its driving me mad, I almost feel bipolar myself.

 

I'm going to see my doctor today to get a referral for some therapy.

[BewitchedandBothered]

I know I don't need it and I know he's unstable but it doesn't stop it hurting like hell.

 

I'm so angry. Angry that he would love me so intensely and then one day wake up and decide he didn't love me anymore.

 

I wonder if the love he felt for me was ever real or just his bipolar.

 

Its driving me mad, I almost feel bipolar myself.

 

I'm going to see my doctor today to get a referral for some therapy.

 

I always felt my ex was bipolar===I sought out his ex wife that he was obsessed with==he told me she was psycho; lots of awful things. She was sweet and kind; a lovely woman. She told me she left him 3 times before finally asking for divorce because she couldn't take the abuse anymore--all mental/verbal. She said she thought he was undiagnosed bipolar. A friend of mine who dated him at the end of high school told me 'I couldn't stand him back then and I think he is even worse now!" And this is being undiagnosed.

 

It hurts like hell. One day they are literally worshiping the ground you walk on, five minutes later, you are a whore and a psycho, another five minutes later "I don't know what got into me, would you like to go out to dinner with me?:)"--creepy. And he will trash you to whomever else he dates. That is what the unstable do. You are the next psycho to be. HE needs the therapy, not you. They make you think you are the one who's nuts when all you are doing is responding to their behavior.

 

Trust me when I say you will get through this.

[red83]

Thank you

I think he was just a hard lesson I had to learn.

This is the first time since I was 19 (i'm now 28) that i've be alone. And I think its going to be the best thing for me as now I get to take care of me and me only.

The thought of a man going near me right now makes me sick, and I actually think its a good thing.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Thank you

I think he was just a hard lesson I had to learn.

This is the first time since I was 19 (i'm now 28) that i've be alone. And I think its going to be the best thing for me as now I get to take care of me and me only.

The thought of a man going near me right now makes me sick, and I actually think its a good thing.

 

Just think; no more abuse:) It's time for YOU, now to do things that make you happy:) It's a healing journey and people tell me that things happen for a reason...still trying to figure out what on earth that reason could be--why good people have to be taught such awful lessons. At least you know how you should be treated.

[Pens55]

There are more of us that have been in your situation, so dont feel that you are alone.

 

Its a weird type of breakup because your logical brain cannot comprehend how an ill mind rationalizes things. Yes, it does make it more difficult. But you have to understand that it is not about you - it is an illness that you are not able to change.

 

His rational side probably loved you more than anything, but when an illness takes over, there is no way for him to disregard his irrational thoughts that he needs to run from you. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to help him. Other members of this board have tried in their relationships and most likely failed - its just a lose-lose situation in most cases.

 

I'm sure my words arent going to comfort you now, but if you continue to remind yourself that you deserve someone who can love you full time, things will get more clear and you will see that this probably wasnt the relationship that you ultimately want.

[red83]

You're totally right. If i'm honest i did keep thinking how much longer can I take this, i'll have to get out soon.

 

I just think it would have been easier if I was the one who walked away. But more than likely I would have come to that descision and he would have been all lovely again and I would have changed my mind.

 

Just knowing what a great guy he can be makes this so much harder. I actually feel bad that i'll be able to move on and be happy but he probably never will have a fullfilling relationship ever.

 

And if i'm really really honest what kept me there was the sex. I have never in my life had a man make me feel the way he made me feel. But at the same token I know its not worth the heartache when he goes to his darkside.

[BewitchedandBothered]

You're totally right. If i'm honest i did keep thinking how much longer can I take this, i'll have to get out soon.

 

I just think it would have been easier if I was the one who walked away. But more than likely I would have come to that descision and he would have been all lovely again and I would have changed my mind.

 

Just knowing what a great guy he can be makes this so much harder. I actually feel bad that i'll be able to move on and be happy but he probably never will have a fullfilling relationship ever.

 

And if i'm really really honest what kept me there was the sex. I have never in my life had a man make me feel the way he made me feel. But at the same token I know its not worth the heartache when he goes to his darkside.

 

in the very beginning, my ex was a good lover--maybe it was a case of him starving and I tossed him a cracker. But it wasn't long before he would tease me and then get up to leave the room during foreplay--leaving me there frustrated and in pain, or start me up and literally roll over and go to sleep and be all floppy and flaccid. It was cruel. Not sure what his intentions were, but i couldn't take it anymore and I would ask him why. To which he would yell "CAN'T A GUY GET ANY SLEEP??? I WORK ALL DAY!!!!"--this was just a couple months in--isn't this supposed to be the lusty honeymoon stage? Then he couldn't perform at all and blamed it on me. You can't live like that. In your case, I wonder how long the good sex would have lasted--he could have had an outburst and treated you badly during or immediately after. You never know with these types. Always walking on egg shells, afraid to piss them off.

[westrock]

It hurts like hell. One day they are literally worshiping the ground you walk on, five minutes later, you are a whore and a psycho, another five minutes later "I don't know what got into me, would you like to go out to dinner with me?:)"--creepy. And he will trash you to whomever else he dates. That is what the unstable do.

 

What you are describing is borderline personality disorder (BPD).

 

This is how someone with BPD acts. One moment they are "worshiping the ground you walk on" (called splitting you white), and then five minutes later they think "you are a whore and a psycho" (called splitting your black), and then five minutes later cycle back to splitting your white.

 

HE needs the therapy, not you. They make you think you are the one who's nuts when all you are doing is responding to their behavior.

 

People with BPD act like this. They are experts at avoiding taking any responsibility for their actions and they will project all their issues onto their partner claiming that it's the partner who is causing all the problems. Their behavior is referred to as "gaslighting".

 

Always walking on egg shells, afraid to piss them off.

 

People who are in a relationship with someone who has BPD often feel they are "walking on egg shells".

[BewitchedandBothered]

What you are describing is borderline personality disorder (BPD).

 

This is how someone with BPD acts. One moment they are "worshiping the ground you walk on" (called splitting you white), and then five minutes later they think "you are a whore and a psycho" (called splitting your black), and then five minutes later cycle back to splitting your white.

 

 

 

People with BPD act like this. They are experts at avoiding taking any responsibility for their actions and they will project all their issues onto their partner claiming that it's the partner who is causing all the problems. Their behavior is referred to as "gaslighting".

 

 

 

People who are in a relationship with someone who has BPD often feel they are "walking on egg shells".

Thanks so much Westrock; I read up on BPD and in my heart and gut he has it. His ex wife described him as 'undiagnosed bipolar'. Part of me wondered if he was just a jerk, but.....I've encountered jerks in life and there is a huge difference. This man left me figuring out if I really was the problem and it took loads longer to heal from this guy than from a run of the mill jerk. He is with someone new and I shudder for what is to come; they are in honeymoon period, dating since January; and sometimes I do wonder when he will snap again. He's not my problem anymore, but there are times I can't help but wonder. Can a BPD or Bipolar control this behavior and change?

[red83]

I can't help but wonder. Can a BPD or Bipolar control this behavior and change?

 

I believe Bipolar people definitely can if they are committed to taking their meds. My ex was fantastic on his meds its just when he was off them.

 

And I just want to say he was never abusive to me physically or verbally he would just withdraw affection and love, stress out about things that weren't even important and put people he hardly knew before me.

[westrock]

Can a BPD or Bipolar control this behavior and change?

 

I can only answer based on what I've read on this. My understanding is that with BPD a positive result can be obtained through intensive specialized therapy, but the practical issue is that it's often too difficult to get a BPD person to even go to therapy or if they go for them to stay committed long enough. I agree with red83 regarding bipolar and being compliant with their meds.

 

I think a better question to ask is can the people who date someone with unmanaged BDP or unmanaged Bipolar control/change their behavior in choosing to continue to date these people?

 

If you haven't already done so, read post #59 by Downtown at this link. He is quite knowledgeable about this subject:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/312736-whats-like-married-bipolar-person-4.html#post3812980

[Million.to.1]

I don't think these feelings you are having is specific to him being bipolar.

 

Everybody feels a degree of confusion and frustration after a break-up. There are always those "did they ever love me" "what was i thinking" why did they say... " how could they... " questions, and we all have them as dumpees.

 

We all get caught up in other peoples whirlwinds... that what relationships are.

 

I know exactly how you feel.. My last one was a whirlwind too. I feel like I had no control. Some people are just like this... It sux.

[BewitchedandBothered]

I want to thank Red for this post. It's very helpful. Also, thankful those who cleared up for me regarding Bipolar and Borderline Personality.

[BewitchedandBothered]

I believe Bipolar people definitely can if they are committed to taking their meds. My ex was fantastic on his meds its just when he was off them.

 

And I just want to say he was never abusive to me physically or verbally he would just withdraw affection and love, stress out about things that weren't even important and put people he hardly knew before me.

 

I have seen many go off their meds because they felt better and didn't feel the need to take them, then the off behavior begins and you have to deal with it; it's awful.

[red83]

Thanks everybody who has responded to this post. You have all been such a great help, and I don't feel so alone.

 

I'm going to see a psychologist on Monday as this relationship has really taken it out of me.

[BewitchedandBothered]

Thanks everybody who has responded to this post. You have all been such a great help, and I don't feel so alone.

 

I'm going to see a psychologist on Monday as this relationship has really taken it out of me.

 

It can drain the life out of a person. Glad you are going to someone to talk it out. You deserve to have inner peace after all you've been through.

[Pens55]

Be careful trying to distinguish bipolar and BPD, on many cases they can appear the same if you are looking at the relationship-problem aspect, but they each have their own unique syptoms.

 

As mentioned before, take a look at Downtown's posts - he's the expert here x10.

 

Anyway, bottom line is this - both of these disorders can make it very difficult (maybe even impossible) to have a functional relationship over the long term. I would say the most important question you need to ask yourself is: Do I feel this person can sustain a relationship in which both parties are fulfilled?

 

If your answer is no, it doesnt matter if they have bipolar, BPD, sleep apnea or the common cold. Even if your partners issues seem to reside, there is always the chance they can return AND there is the issue of living with the fear that they will leave again. Thats what got me in the end, once your trust has been taken away, dont underestimate how hard it will be for you to accept the situation as it is.

[Downtown]

Westrock, thanks for the kind words. And, Red, welcome to the LoveShack forum.

My ex was fantastic on his meds its just when he was off them.

Red, if this has been true over a period of a year or so, you likely are correct that he has strong traits of bipolar, not BPD. With the latter, the meds can reduce the Axis 1 side effects (e.g., depression and anxiety) but cannot treat the underlying BPD traits (which are not caused by swings in body chemistry). At issue, however, is whether his rapid changes in mood were perfectly matched to his being on or off his medication. That is, are you certain that his periods of withdrawal from you were caused by getting off the meds? And how long did you observe such behavior? And, is your Ex the man you called "B" last November?

 

I ask because, except for that one statement above, your descriptions of his behavior are more consistent with having strong traits of BPD, not bipolar. The push-you-away and pull-you-back behavior, for example, is a classic trait of BPD.

 

Moreover, the two disorders move along two very different spectra. Whereas bipolar sufferers swing between mania and depression, BPDers alternate between adoring you and devaluing you. Significantly, you mention nothing about your Ex exhibiting mania. The closest you come to that is saying that he sometimes thinks you are perfect and wonderful. But that by itself is only indicative of infatuation, not mania. Yet, if he has Bipolar II, the mania would be subdued, as I note below.

He was never abusive to me physically or verbally he would just withdraw affection and love, stress out about things that weren't even important and put people he hardly knew before me.

The absense of overt verbal and physical abuse does NOT imply that strong BPD traits can be ruled out. A small portion of BPDers (perhaps 10%) nearly always turn their anger inward -- not outward -- when their twin fears are triggered. Hence, instead of "acting out" with loud verbal abuse and temper tantrums, these BPDers release their anger by "acting in," turning the anger onto themselves. They therefore become very self critical and self destructive -- and thus are far more prone to suicide ideation (as your Ex was doing one day) than the BPDers who act out.

 

Importantly, I do not know whether your Ex has strong BPD traits. Nor do I know whether such traits are strong enough to constitute having the full-blown disorder. Only a professional can determine whether the diagnostic criteria are fully met. I nonetheless am confident that, if he does have strong BPD traits, you are capable of spotting the red flags if you take time to read about them.

 

It therefore may be worth your while to read therapist Shari Schreiber's description of these quiet BPDers to see if it rings a bell. Schreiber calls them "waif borderlines." Her article is at BORDERLINE WAIFS AND UNSUNG HEROES; Rescuing The Woman Who Doesn't Want To Be Saved.. A.J. Mahari also describes quiet BPDers at Borderline Personality - The Quiet Acting In Borderline and The Silent Treatment - Nons - Borderline Personality Disorder Inside Out. Whereas Schreiber emphasizes their "I am a poor little victim" behavior, Mahari emphasizes the cold withdrawal and icy silence that is used to punish the loved one. If neither of these articles rings a bell, Red, please ignore my post. Your Ex may suffer only from bipolar II (in which the mania is subdued).

[red83]

Thanks so much Downtown.

 

Yes he certainly did turn his anger inwards. He constantly blames himself for things that go wrong, and he often believed he was underserving.

 

He would also do things like put his energy in to things that are unimportant and stress out about them. But relationships that "should" be important to him like with his son and me at the time, he wouldn't put the energy in to. He has access issues with regards to his son as he attempted suicide whilst his son was in his care one time. His ex wife rarely lets him see him, and though he says he wants to fight it he never does.

 

When he would withdraw from me was in high times of stress. This time the break up happened when he started a new job and he couldn't get to the DR to get his prescription, and he was stressing out about the art work for his new album, plus the album launch. I feel like I was just an extra pressure he could get rid easier than the rest so he chose to dispose of me so to speak.

 

With regards to manic episodes I only witnessed mild ones particlularly when he was shopping. He would but lots and lots of useless ****, another day he spent a whole day laminating posters instead of looking for a job. He also had my name tattooed on his bum! And on the subject of tattooes he told me 3 days before we broke up that he was getting my image tattooed on his arm. The day we broke up I asked him about that and he said he still wanted to do it! Thats just crazy. But it leaves me to believe he was infatuated with my stage persona rather than the real me.

 

And yes Downtown he is the person I refferred to as B in NOvember.

 

His behaviour is just bizarre as now he has bought me a car because I crashed mine. I tried to give him the money for it and he wont take it.

[Downtown]

Red, if you have a chance to look at the two articles I provided links for, I would be interested in hearing whether those descriptions of quiet BPDers ring a bell and sound familiar. If so, I would suggest you also look at Katt's experience with her exBF, whom she describes as exhibiting strong traits of a quiet BPDer. Katt's thread is at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/274951-first-heartbreak#post3361912.

[red83]

Hmmm I don't know Downtown. I have both of those articles and though there are some similar traits there are some major differences.

 

He was both victim and hero. For instance when I first left my long term relationship he was determined to be my hero, and this is how he got into my heart. Once I loved him and he knew that thats when he started to withdraw and my problems seemed to be a nuisance to him. But its stange that after we broke up he immediately wanted to be my hero again eg. the car!

 

I can honestly say his withdrawels from me were directly linked to him not taking medication. the pattern would be the same, he would stop taking it, he would stress out about silly things, and i'd get pushed aside.

 

I think what angers me most is I left a relationship that was dead. But we were always kind to each other so when I entered this new relationship I had no baggage or hang up's. But now moving forward I am going to carry baggage, i'm going to be mistrusting and I will fidn it hard to let someone in again. I feel so angry that I have allowed someone to make me feel like this.

[red83]

Ok i'm really confused now. he sent me a message yesterday saying he would love to be my friend, he misses my friendship and he would love to meet up for coffee some time! WTF!

 

I've told him already that yes I would like to be friends in the future but not just now as it hurts too much. I think he wants me to let him off the hook because he feels guilty. Well i'm not going to. So I replied with;

"Yeah one day You have left me with so many unanswered questions that unless you're prepared to answer them then it would be unfair to both of us to see each other any time soon.

I'm so confused and its doing my head in.

Anyway i'm going to see a psychologist starting Monday.

I really do hope you start taking better care of yourself too."

 

Now he's "liking" things I post on facebook. If he thinks i'm just going to slip int o being his friend again well then he is seriously deluded. (we're good friends before we were in a relationship).

[Pens55]

Downtown, you are the man!! You definitely have the expert tag on this one.

 

And, correct me if Im wrong D, but comorbid BPD with bipolar is a very real possibility (though each are fairly rare, it seems that BPD rates are much higher [relatively speaking] in Bipolars.

 

From what I understand, BPD can often be misdiagnosed for a decent period of time as bipolar , as symptoms can manifest themselves similarly to the outside world - so if your ex was diagnosed, it may not be a stretch to consider strong BPD traits.

 

I would say tho, my ex said she was bipolar (whether she was truely ever diagnosed, I do not know). If I take her at her word, and assume that she did not have BPD, a lot of her actions were similar to the traits of Borderline...now whether these are simply similarities or a comorbid illness, I do not know. But I have heard similar responses/actions in bipolars that exist in Borderlines.