setsenia Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 How many of you help relatives because you feel obligated or because you feel you owe them? My therapist has been helping me establish limits with my dramatic family. They are always expecting favors, just assume and never ask like it's our obligation to help them because of family. I'd like to think that I'm over thinking it and that I should 'just help out' because of things done for me when I was a minor. For example, my brother basically thinks we should do him favors like give him rides because my dad made him do it when I was a minor, 5-7 years ago. First of all, being a minor does not count. My dad told him to take me here and there, which is essentially my dad's decision, not mine and shouldn't be held against me. I don't mind doing favors for my mom and stepdad occasionally as he does me a favor by shipping products for me. Well, my grandmother did a lot for me when I was a minor, because my dad was too focused on himself. She needed trash bags from Costco and along with my mom's stuff, we spent an extra few bucks for their stuff. Now we'll have to make an extra trip to drop the stuff off. I know I shouldn't mind doing this as she did a lot for me, but I think it's too many relatives asking for all kinds of favors. Mom, dad, brother, grandmother. We're very busy, but everyone seems to assume that since my H is looking for a job, that he has all kinds of time on his hands. Sometimes I just want to move away to get away from all the demands. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 "Favours as a minor" don't count; you're a minor, it's their duty to keep you safe and do things for you that you cannot do under your own steam. A minor should not, however, take advantage of this, and should reciprocate by doing odd-jobs around the house. if favours are unreasonable, then question their motives for asking, not your motives for complying... Link to post Share on other sites
Author setsenia Posted April 10, 2012 Author Share Posted April 10, 2012 I guess I should have mentioned that I'm married and living on my own, so the continuous favor asking from relatives is getting on my nerves, LOL. That an the fact that we're "expected" to be at family affairs despite whether or not we have our own agenda. Like this past Sunday, we were at my aunt's birthday for over 3 hours. It's like like this is an exciting party or anything. It felt like we were sitting there most of the time. I wanted to leave after an hour and a half or two, maximum. My mom and stepdad always seem to need to ride with us, despite us telling them we cannot stick around forever due to other obligations. Needless to say, I couldn't get my homework done last minute. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 somehow I sense that you consider a "favor" to be a repayment of some sorts? Have you spoken to your therapist on this mindset? Be it family, friends, neighbor or a fellow citizen, "favors" come with no strings attached and carry a great level of responsibility to be considered a reliable person. Yes Limits need to be set and one thing you do NOT want to do is be an enabler for those that CAN do for themselves. Your time is equally important. The best way to discourage folks imposing is to ENCOURAGE them to think for themselves on HOW they CAN DO on their own. Link to post Share on other sites
Nanette Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 It does sound like you need to set some boundaries. I was the "helper" in my family. I helped people move, solve problems protect them from abusive husband boyfriends, potty trined their kids. All of this while I held a job and raised my own children. I spent money to travel for them i could not afford. they never offord repayment. I gave them my vacation and sick time to clean their houses and they never offered any compensation when they well could have afforded to hire a local person. I took my mother in when my father passed and she was unhappy in the nursing home. I got treated very badly over that. Set some boundaries now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author setsenia Posted April 11, 2012 Author Share Posted April 11, 2012 When my brother has moved, he ALWAYS asks us to help him. Actually, he doesn't ask, he DEMANDS as if it's owed to him. One time, he even had the gall to ask us to drive up to Oregon (about 10-12 hours away from here) to help him move back here! We were both working and going to school at the time and on top of that, he asked us to take an extra day off work to come up on the weekend! Of course he probably wouldn't compensate us for the time or gas or even missed work. He only lived up there for 2 months because he wanted to take a minimum wage beer job. My H already helped him move a year and a half prior. We didn't help him. When my H and I first moved, he flaked out. The second time it was like pulling teeth for a few hours. (And we all lived locally) The third time we just decided to hire movers. It was worth the expense. Funny thing is, my brother likes to say no one else has boundaries! Link to post Share on other sites
symba4twinkletoes Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 How do you make your own chat? I have some big issues that I need council on, and to make this post worth something I have valuable information: dont be a doormat, I was for a while then broke out of it easily, 1. Make simple excuses like you have homework (if you are at school) or have an assignment (for working people), 2. If you do, do a favour, say in a joking way 'you owe me one' so the person subsonciously thinks after a few favours they owe you a favour then you can get back money, time or help when you are stuck and 3. Dont think of favours as like scores and big ones are 1, little ones count as 1/2 or anything, it's a favour, a voluntary act of kindness so if you do a favour dont expect it to be payed back, so you are happier if it is and even if it isnt you still dont feel too bad about it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
symba4twinkletoes Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 How do you make your own chat? I have some big issues that I need council on, and to make this post worth something I have valuable information: dont be a doormat, I was for a while then broke out of it easily, 1. Make simple excuses like you have homework (if you are at school) or have an assignment (for working people), 2. If you do, do a favour, say in a joking way 'you owe me one' so the person subsonciously thinks after a few favours they owe you a favour then you can get back money, time or help when you are stuck and 3. Dont think of favours as like scores and big ones are 1, little ones count as 1/2 or anything, it's a favour, a voluntary act of kindness so if you do a favour dont expect it to be payed back, so you are happier if it is and even if it isnt you still dont feel too bad about it. Link to post Share on other sites
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