Jayne085 Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 Hi Looking for some feedback and advice. I have been with my partner for 5 years, we get on very very well and love each other a lot 2 years ago I found out he had a one night stand (with someone I know he dislikes immensely) He said he was very drunk doesnt remember much and was full of remorse and regret I told him he had 1 more chance... I was told yesterday by a friend that 2 people saw him kissing a girl outside a bar last week I packed my stuff and left a note.... its been 24 hours with no contact If I see him I feel I could fall to pieces, I thought we'd be together forever as we have recently been planning our future. What if he was so drunk again he doesnt remember - can i forgive him twice? I also have to assume he may also outright deny it. My gut is saying there will be zero trust now so nothing to salvage but you dont stop loving someone. Am i being a fool or should I just walk away? Link to post Share on other sites
Desensitized Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 Well first off, who's fault is it for putting himself in that predicament? He doesn't respect you, you deserve better. You know what the answer is, you just don't want to admit it. The answer is that you need to walk away. I know how emotions can trump over common sense sometimes, though. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted April 10, 2012 Share Posted April 10, 2012 He remembers. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 (edited) He remembers. Yep, this. And if he can't handle not cheating on you when drunk, he shouldn't get drunk. I would NOT be with someone who cheated on me twice, oh my...no way no how. And these are the 2 times you know about.... The trust is gone. Has he tried to contact you? Edited April 11, 2012 by veggirl 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jayne085 Posted April 11, 2012 Author Share Posted April 11, 2012 No contact yet but i have my phone off. Its so hard as this is so out of character for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 He either has personal problems he needs to address, and he would have cheated on ANY women he was with, for this amount of time.. -------------------------- or ------------------------ He cares about you, but is not fully in love with you the way he needs to be, in order to me monogomus. SOME men can be monogomus with the right girl. Others cannot; men who cannot control their sexual urges need to change, in order to be with a women for a long time. At the VERY least, you need SPACE away from each other. If, after he sees other women, he still finds your the girl he thinks is most amazing, he will come back and tell you that it is HIM with the problem, and that he indeed needs help to make him a monogomus man. The alternative, is that he can be monogomus with another women. Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 He either has personal problems he needs to address, and he would have cheated on ANY women he was with, for this amount of time.. -------------------------- or ------------------------ He cares about you, but is not fully in love with you the way he needs to be, in order to me monogomus. SOME men can be monogomus with the right girl. Others cannot; men who cannot control their sexual urges need to change, in order to be with a women for a long time. At the VERY least, you need SPACE away from each other. If, after he sees other women, he still finds your the girl he thinks is most amazing, he will come back and tell you that it is HIM with the problem, and that he indeed needs help to make him a monogomus man. The alternative, is that he can be monogomus with another women. nah....he fooled you once, shame on him. He fooled you twice, shame on you.... You get it now? I know its hard but some of us here have had to walk away from much, much more than you will be. Think about if you were married and had kids? How much more difficult would that be?? He may indeed love you, but I guarantee you he is not IN love with you. OP, There are plenty of people out there who deserve to be with someone who appreciates trust just as much as you do. As far as him not remembering???? That's about as believable as saying "Well... I... AHH... Slipped and my caulk fell in", next time the a-hole will be telling you someone slipped him some roofies. Link to post Share on other sites
Professor X Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 Its so hard as this is so out of character for him. How can it be out of character for him if he did it twice?? Isn't character defined by what you do, rather what you think? If you think you are nice and act like a beach (ye, I know, misspell , but its censored), than you are a... beach. If you seriously wanna risk your future with him, than go ahead, but as loversquarrel said, think about how harder it would be once you get kids (which at that point you will have no option but to hope he actually won't leave you for the OW - cause you won't leave for sure), you seriously willing to risk it? Rather than finding someone who will simply not cheat on you to begin with?? P.S. Don't listen to Leigh 87 advice, she tries all the time to rationalize why her BF is attracted to other women. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 He remembers. Yep, guaranteed, he remembers. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 (edited) P.S. Don't listen to Leigh 87 advice, she tries all the time to rationalize why her BF is attracted to other women. ALL men are attracted to other women ..... They just do not ACT on it. My boyfriend would NEVER cheat,. and unlike the OP'S boyfriend, he actually is " in love" with me. We had a couple opf 3 somes. Neither of us have any need to have any more at this point. Big deal mate. My advice was quiet good. ALthough it is unlikely the guy is IN love with her, there ARE guys out there, who are in love with the women they cheat on! They are just SCUM, and have personal problems; they are BAD people. They can still be in love though, I think? Edited April 12, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed personal insult Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 Mess with me once, more fool you. Mess with me twice - more fool me. bye-bye, cheater-guy.... Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 P.S. Don't listen to Leigh 87 advice, she tries all the time to rationalize why her BF is attracted to other women. Oh - And my boyfriend has been around the most beautiful women in the world, whilst he was on vacation, without me; he did not cheat. He did not even want to. IN fact, he often rang me, and said how he felt BAD for even talking to beautiful women. He said he was worried it would hurt me, and it just felt plain wrong. OP - most guys.. MOST guys, are definately attracted to very attractive women when they see them.. They are so nice to look, so much so, that a normal guy is unlikely to NOT feel a reaction from looking at a women who is so beautiful. However, the differnce between your b/f, and a decent guy, is that a decent men will not ACT on their feelings of sexual desire. decent men KNOW that the brief sexual encounter, will NOT be with the loss of the women they truly love. Your boyfriend did not love you enough, to consider that by having a brief encounter with a women, that he could indeed lose the women who loves him. If he did consider it, he did not care enough. On second thought, I would definately leave him, and not take into account the fact that a SMALL percent of men DO love the women they cheat on. Your boyfriend probably is not one of them so why bother trying to help him change? Very few men truly love their partner and cheat more than once; the ones who do, can work through it with their partners...this is usually in a long term marriage, however; this is why it can be worked though; they were genuinaly in love, and they want to save their love. Link to post Share on other sites
Professor X Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 ALL men are attracted to other women, you idiot..... They just do not ACT on it. My boyfriend would NEVER cheat,. and unlike the OP'S boyfriend, he actually is " in love" with me. We had a couple opf 3 somes. Neither of us have any need to have any more at this point. Big deal mate. I'll just quote you, I think you can't argue with your own words, though.. I've seen some crazy **** in my life, so you might: my boyfriend does not want to sl*t or whore about by any stretch; he is not like that to begin with. He simply would prefer to get to experience sex with more than one women, in the next ten years. he does not want emotional connections with women, he is really averse to it. He literally just wants to be able to, in this stage of his life, experience other women sexually besides me And no, not all men are attracted to other women, you idiot. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 Am i being a fool or should I just walk away? I'd walk away, but that is up to you. Question is, why is he drinking when you aren't with him? I think if you are to stay, there needs to be some ultimatums dropped. For one, drinking should be over for him. Or at least he doesn't party unless you are around. Sucks that you'd have to be around to police his dumb ass, but if you are going to stay, it is what it is. But I'd say no more partying and drinking. If you allow him to act single, then you will simply have to put up with more disrespect. Link to post Share on other sites
Pens55 Posted April 11, 2012 Share Posted April 11, 2012 Yep, drunk is not an excuse. When I was happily with my ex, I could get drunk and act a little wild and all that jazz, do things a bit out of character, but NEVER had the slightest desire to cheat on her. Even though I would get a little careless about other things, I was always very careful to never even come close to flirting with anyone. Now on the other hand, my ex would get all flirty with others when she was drunk. She claimed it was out of character for her and it was just the alcohol acting. Let me tell ya how that relationship worked out..... I've often heard, alcohol makes people say what they truely think and act how they truely are.... Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 I'll just quote you, I think you can't argue with your own words, though.. I've seen some crazy **** in my life, so you might: my boyfriend does not want to sl*t or whore about by any stretch; he is not like that to begin with. He simply would prefer to get to experience sex with more than one women, in the next ten years. he does not want emotional connections with women, he is really averse to it. He literally just wants to be able to, in this stage of his life, experience other women sexually besides me And no, not all men are attracted to other women, you idiot. Yes, but that is just who he is. It is not because he is not in love with me. He says, that he notices and looks at a very beautiful women when he happens to walk past one. ANd, from time to time, when he masturbates, he might think about a celebrity or a extremely beautiful women, although it is mostly me that he thinks of. A LOT of men can be truly in love, and still fantasise about hotter women occasionally.. it does not mean they would RATHER have these " hot women", than have a meaningul life with their partners..... SOME men fall in love with the right girl, and their desires for other women are switched off. However, this is nto ALL men. Some men can be in love as much as they CAN be, and STILL get horny over some of the beautiful women they come across. Not in an obsessive way; just the very hot girls they happen to walk past, or see on TV. Not like a fettish or something that turns them on more than their girlfriend. And, we no longer have 3 somes, it was just a little fantasy he had. It is not something he needs or brings up. it is just some drunken fun to have once a year, on a night we find a girl who we both like. For a reason neither of us understand, it just gives us a thrill, and adds an element of fun into our relaitonship. He is just the sort of guy who would like the option of having a 3 somes every now and again, on a wild drunken night. OP - I am not in your position. When a guy cheats, it minimizes your relationship. It makes you less close. Although my boyfriend sees other girls and finds them hot, he does not feel the urge to cheat, because cheating will make us less close, and there is no way he wants to ruin what we have, just to have an encounter with a hotter girl. Guys use porn for this, a harmless practice that does not hurt most women, and allows the man to fulfill their fantasys without losing their relationship. Besides - WOMEN can look at porn too.. There are no double standards. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 OP - I really want to stress: - it is normal for guys to look at beautiful girls, but guys who are truly in love will not act on it. At least not twice...... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jayne085 Posted May 13, 2012 Author Share Posted May 13, 2012 So you were right, whilst trying to win me back, apologise, explaining he will do anything to be with me again he cheated AGAIN. He told me last sunday and its been 8 days with no contact. I have emptied my stuff from the house and cut all ties. He has send me a few messages. The first 3 days later "Hope your coping ok, This is really **** I know, can we talk soon to sort things out" then yesterday "You can talk to me you know. I am human? Thanks for raiding the bedroom I feel like a c**y", "thanks" Then today "Im sorry about the texts, I just got angry. I really hope your coping ok" Is NC the best way to continue. I feel like he doesnt really know what he has done so should I tell him? I want to move on and get over this asap but after 5 years Im wondering if ignoring him is the best option. Or do I need to face the truth and him before I can really move on? Any ideas? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Yes, in a nutshell - NC IS the best way to continue. Absolutely, unequivocally, definitely, unquestionably. He deserves nothing from you and really should man up, grow up and see what he's done - but the only way he can do that, is for you to cut him off every which way and for him to work it out for himself. Response makes him think he's desirable enough for you to still connect with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Professor X Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 Is NC the best way to continue. I feel like he doesnt really know what he has done so should I tell him? I want to move on and get over this asap but after 5 years Im wondering if ignoring him is the best option. Or do I need to face the truth and him before I can really move on? Any ideas? YES, NC is the best way! Why on earth would you want to tell him anything?!!?!??! You think he doesn't know what he did when he went to f*ck another women?? You are already facing the truth right now, he is a cheater. Period. He does what he does now, confusing you, cause he knows it's working on you, knows it makes you want run back to him. And it works. You don't wanna "explain" to him anything - you are just hoping HE will have an awesome explanation as to why he did it. An explanation good enough for you to take him back. You seriously need a wake up punch. This is what you want in life? A guy who has no respect for you, who does not love you and who f*cks other women? Only because he looks good? Seriously. Link to post Share on other sites
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 (edited) So you were right, whilst trying to win me back, apologise, explaining he will do anything to be with me again he cheated AGAIN. He told me last sunday and its been 8 days with no contact. I have emptied my stuff from the house and cut all ties. He has send me a few messages. The first 3 days later "Hope your coping ok, This is really **** I know, can we talk soon to sort things out" then yesterday "You can talk to me you know. I am human? Thanks for raiding the bedroom I feel like a c**y", "thanks" Then today "Im sorry about the texts, I just got angry. I really hope your coping ok" Is NC the best way to continue. I feel like he doesnt really know what he has done so should I tell him? I want to move on and get over this asap but after 5 years Im wondering if ignoring him is the best option. Or do I need to face the truth and him before I can really move on? Any ideas? Unfortunately I have a past I'm not proud of and cheated myself to a far greater extent than your bf has done to you and can provide insight here. First off, he'll continue to cheat regardless of what he says...in fact he's likely cheated even more the two times you know about, it's sad and hurtful but he's really only thinking about himself when it comes to all of this. Look at the emphasis of how his comments are, they're not about how he's hurt you, what he put you through, how you feel....he just expects to be forgiven and continue on, and it's typical that he'll make excuses and what not. Look at how he tries to turn the focus back on himself, It's like "ok...I get it, I messed up, so you're punishing me, I guess you like making me feel this way or now I feel horrible"...he shows a severe lack of empathy, and even though I cheated I owned it, and didn't blame the woman for the consequences of my actions...I think that's very cowardly and insensitive of him...I cheated, I knew how bad the devastation would be, but I didn't understand the emotional impact at that time...and he largely underestimates how badly it destroys you and breaks you in two. Essentially he's trying to manipulate you by pushing you down, then wheeling you in...he wants to blame you for this in some way it seems like, he doesn't seem very sincere and genuine at all...and to me that's the worst part, he really seems to care about himself and it looks clear from the few comments you posted that he said...this is about him and his loss, your emotions are just a inconvenience at the moment...he won't know the damage or impact until much later, he sounds especially immature. Going NC is your only option for moving on...If it was me I was much better with my words and would have you sucked back in, in no time. Giving me an option to talk it out or work it out is all I need, I'd wheel you back in because I'd have such a strong emotional impact on you as well as your desire to continue would work against you. But you know what? that wouldn't be because I want the best for you...If he wanted the best for you he would let you go instead of stringing you a long and continuing to hurt you because he obviously doesn't have himself figured out enough to continue on with this. Don't let him waste another minute of your life, If you need to see him or talk with him like going back to his house, bring someone with you and get out and move on. It's going to hurt and it's going to be devastating, but this guy isn't ready nor emotionally aware to even see what he's done, he's like a complete idiot just trying to figure out what the big deal is...let him figure it out and start the repair process...its much better than validating empty promises and dealing with the continuous cycle of heartbreak that he will inflict not only because of your relationships past, but because of what he will do in the future. These are not ups and downs, this is a deal breaker...you're the most important person in your life, treat yourself that way. Oh and we always know and remember...he's lying about that I guarantee you that. Edited May 14, 2012 by Ninjainpajamas Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 I feel like he doesnt really know what he has done Really? You really believe that? He knows exactly what he's done. He has done it multiple times. He just doesn't want to face the consequences of his actions. Or do I need to face the truth and him before I can really move on? You have faced the truth already. He is a cheating douchebag. That is all the truth you need to know. You don't need to face him at all. NC him. Link to post Share on other sites
gearsofwar Posted May 14, 2012 Share Posted May 14, 2012 If there is no trust left there anymore, it's not worth it. They way I see it, 'once bitten, twice shy' hasn't been a deterrent so it will most likely happen again if you were to allow it. Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted May 15, 2012 Share Posted May 15, 2012 Really? You really believe that? He knows exactly what he's done. He has done it multiple times. He just doesn't want to face the consequences of his actions. Multiple times...guaranteed for sure??? He had a ons 2 years ago, and was seen the other week kissing a woman outside a pub. There's kissing a lover and there's a drunken snog with a woman you just met & fancied and there's kissing a female work colleague goodbye who's leaving the company and there's kissing a woman friend goodbye. I assume the intel the OP got was that it was more than 'just a kiss', otherwise if he hasn't had sex with anyone else in the last 2 yrs, he will be clueless what the latest drama is about. Link to post Share on other sites
NervisPervis Posted May 18, 2012 Share Posted May 18, 2012 I'll roll the dice and guess you're young. Started dating in your teens? You're too young anyway. Even if he were a Nobel Laureat in fidelity I'd say to move on to other people. But he's not, is he? Oh yeah. Before I forget: He remembers. So you'd have to base the rest of your life on THAT lie if you stay together. Link to post Share on other sites
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