Frustrating family situation... (very long read)

[Inflikted]

Okay, let's get this out of the way first... I know my current living situation isn't ideal or "normal"; I'm a 23 year old guy still living at home with my parents... Thing is, I'm putting myself through college, and my mom and dad have money problems, so I've been using the little money I make from my crummy part time job to help them with their bills and whatnot.

 

Anyway, here's the problem... A couple years ago, I found out that my mom's been engaging in inappropriate relationships with several of her old boyfriends. She's never known that I know the truth, but I do. There's one in particular that she's so attached to; while my dad's at work, my mom spends hours every day talking to this guy on the phone. Even when my dad comes home, my mom spends the evenings texting this guy, using Skype with him, etc. One time, I even overheard her having phone sex with the guy...

 

What's worse is, it almost seems like she's not trying to hide it as much anymore; she constantly brings this guy up when both me and my dad are around, and she just acts like he's so great. I can tell it really bugs my dad, but he never says anything. I think if he knew the truth, it would devastate him. When he had lost his job a few years ago, he pretty much had a mental breakdown. If found out what my mom is up to, I fear he'd do something drastic, perhaps even take his own life.

 

I've gotten into very heated arguments with my mom about this guy; the whole thing makes me so angry, that I can't always hold it in. I never let on that I know the truth, but I make it clear that I'm not an idiot, and that it's plain as day to see what's going on. She, of course, responds by telling me that it's none of my business who she's friends with, that I'm crazy for thinking something is going on, etc.

 

Like I said, I know I seem way too involved in my parents' lives, but... well, here's the thing. Growing up, I've always been sort of an introverted outcast. Not many friends, never really gotten out and dated, or anything like that. My mom has always basically been my "best friend". If you'd have asked me even a few years ago, I never in a million years would have said I thought she'd be doing stuff like this. She was the one person I thought I could trust, and clearly, I was wrong.

 

It also makes me mad because I'm helping her and my dad pay the bills, and she's gotten pretty demanding about money to me many times in the past; here I am helping out as much as I can, and she's screwing around with old boyfriends.

 

Believe it or not, at one point, I got so ballsy, that I found one of their incriminating e-mails, and anonymously sent it to the guy's wife; it caused a bit fight between him and his wife, and I was hoping that'd be the end of things between he and my mom, but that didn't last more than a week...

 

They've mostly been communicating online and by phone, but pretty soon, they're going to be spending a lot of time together in person, and I just know that's not good...

 

I dunno. I'm just so... frustrated. I know I need to "get out", and believe me, I want to, but my life is just such a mess now. I don't make nearly enough money to support myself, I'm too tied up to my parents' bills, and I have no friends to live with for a while. I feel stuck, and I've felt that way for a long time.

 

I think I'm at a point where I don't even love my mom anymore. I know that sounds terrible, but she might as well be a completely different person. The mom I know is gone, and to be honest, she was probably a lie, to begin with. Part of me REALLY wants to tell this guy off, and hell, I'd love to punch him right in the face, which is very much uncharacteristic of me.

 

I just don't even know how to deal with this anymore. It's such a difficult thing to have to carry. Not only that, but it basically reaffirms the trust issues I've had with people all my life; I feel like I can't trust anyone, now. It's even soured me on the idea of dating, and marriage, and whatnot. How could I ever trust someone enough to be involved with them? I thought I could trust my mom, but I was wrong about that, so how am I supposed to trust someone else?

[CC12]

I thought I could trust my mom, but I was wrong about that, so how am I supposed to trust someone else?

 

Not everyone is like your mother. I know you're probably thinking, "Duh, that's obvious." But, seriously, listen: Not everyone is like your mother. There are trustworthy people out there. Don't let one person's actions ruin the perception that people can be good and can be worthy of trust.

 

I know your mom is behaving inappropriately right now, but that shouldn't make you love her any less. This can actually be a good lesson for you to learn, that people you love and care about can make mistakes. It's human. Also, part of growing up is realizing that your parents aren't perfect. It's sometimes really hard to accept. You grow up believing (or wanting to believe) that your parents know everything and do everything right, and at some point they prove you wrong by screwing up. It is a rude awakening.

 

My advice would be to wash your hands of the knowledge that your mom has a "special friend" on the side. No more meddling, no more listening for it, no more paying attention to it. It is not your business. You're not her friend, you're not her therapist, you're not her life coach. You're her child and you have no place being in the middle of her and your father's relationship problems. Remove yourself from it. Stop carrying it. It's not your burden.

[setsenia]

Wow, this is quite complicated. Unfortunately, I don't see any positive ending to this unless your mom stops what she is doing. Even then, she has already created infidelity problems in her marriage to your father even though she hasn't actually had physical relations with this guy. As difficult as it may be, your father needs to know the truth. He will find out eventually. I think it's best someone brings it to his attention before he sumbles on a surprise. I would try and discuss this with your mom first, how you feel her actions are splitting the family apart. I know many may say it's none of your business. But obviously this is having horrible effects on you and you shouldn't have to see her being unfaithful to your father while he's blissfully unaware. After talking to your mom, you may have to find a way to confront your dad about this situation. If your mom chooses to ignore your concerns, what else can you do? She at least needs to come clean with your father about what she's been doing. If she's not satisfied with her marriage, she should say so. Talking on the phone all the time and communicating by email is rather hard to say it's infidelity, depending on what they are talking about. But the phone sex crosses the line. It's emotional infidelity. Who knows what they are doing on the computer aside from email. I hope this helps. I wish I could see I foresee a happy ending.

[Inflikted]

Well, like I said, I'm pretty sure my dad at least suspects something, because every time she carries on about this guy, I always see my dad out of the corner of my eye making a displeased face. He doesn't actually know anything is going on, but it definitely upsets him.

 

I just... don't really feel it's my place to tell him. I don't see how it would benefit him, anyway. Like I said, I think he'd take it too hard, and do something drastic. It's not something I could see him coping well with.

 

I can't exactly confront my mom about it, because I should've never found out in the first place. She'd just turn things around on me and put me down for "snooping" and "being nosy". Then, of course, she has her last ditch efforts of either crying or saying I'm getting her sick and she's going to end up in the hospital because of me. So, I just can't win with her.

[wow04]

You need to discuss this with your mom. I had a similar experience, but with my aunt and uncle. I told my aunt that either she tell her husband or I do. My aunt did. They went to counseling and it all worked out.

[Inflikted]

You need to discuss this with your mom. I had a similar experience, but with my aunt and uncle. I told my aunt that either she tell her husband or I do. My aunt did. They went to counseling and it all worked out.

 

Maybe, but my mom is the type of person that always has to be right and get the last word in, can be very argumentative and stubborn, and is also very manipulative to get what she wants. I can't even mention that I hate hearing about the guy she's messing around with, without her getting all pissy about it. Like I said, any time I try to confront her on any of it, she gets really mad and tells me that it's none of my business, and if I press on, it just turns into a big screaming match.

 

Plus, she could easily use what I know against me by exposing to my dad that I knew the whole time and didn't say anything.

[wow04]

Maybe, but my mom is the type of person that always has to be right and get the last word in, can be very argumentative and stubborn, and is also very manipulative to get what she wants. I can't even mention that I hate hearing about the guy she's messing around with, without her getting all pissy about it. Like I said, any time I try to confront her on any of it, she gets really mad and tells me that it's none of my business, and if I press on, it just turns into a big screaming match.

 

Plus, she could easily use what I know against me by exposing to my dad that I knew the whole time and didn't say anything.

 

 

And you can tell your dad that you didn't feel it was your place to tell him. It is your mom's place. You are stuck here. You have to do something for your sanity.