No Contact - Painfully Beautiful

[LovelyLaura]

Thank you LL. I think you are right, which is why I had not written a letter. But I think you are wise and I think the best thing is for me to just pray for the children that are under him and their parents, that they will see it for what it is for.

 

I appreciate your input, and value it.

Hi wannabdone,

 

I hope you could find a happiness and inner peace soon, and could look back to this situation, and smile to yourself, "why in the hell did i do with my life back then? stupid silly me"

 

I always hope that i could reach that moment

 

Your name and the family that affected by MM's doing will be always in my pray.

 

Keep strong girl..

[wannabdone]

Hi wannabdone,

 

I hope you could find a happiness and inner peace soon, and could look back to this situation, and smile to yourself, "why in the hell did i do with my life back then? stupid silly me"

 

I always hope that i could reach that moment

 

Your name and the family that affected by MM's doing will be always in my pray.

 

Keep strong girl..

 

 

I am getting there. I will tell you I am at the point that I thank God he did not listen to my prayers for so many years...as I know now he saved me from a life of hell.

 

You WILL reach that moment. We both will. And then we will CELEBRATE!!!!

 

You keep strong too!

 

And you are in my prayers!

[LovelyLaura]

What the hell did i do? Why did i do that?

 

Arghh, i hate myself so much right now.

 

Long story short, like 3 weeks ago (before i end the A) my MM have asked me to help him with his personal project. It has nothing to do with me professionally.

And i promised him that i will work on it once i have spare time.

 

Today, i had nothing to do in my office, and suddenly remembered about his request. So i just made it for him. Once i finished it, i email it to him casually. I didnt write anything inappropriate.

And then he replied it, said he appreciated my help and thank me for that.

Just it, nothing less, nothing more, like nothing ever happened between us.

And it slaps me in the face. Im so miserable right now.

 

Its like he has gotten over me already. Like i mean nothing to him.

Its just 1 weak after i end the A, and he has moved on with his life,

leaving me here with a bad heartache.

 

Deep inside my heart, i know this is the best.

Its exactly what i want, i want him to get over me, i want me to get over him.

The A is over, and i want to continue my life like nothing happened between us.

 

But when it actually happens, God it hurts so damn much..

I guess it hurts because i dont like the feeling of being forgotten by someone, especially by the one that i care a lot about.

 

Lots of you will ask about my intention to help him at the first place.

I dont know, i have mix feeling about it.

I will try to be honest here.

I promised him to do that, and i think i should fulfill that,

so i have nothing to do with him anymore.

No more debt, no more promise.

In the other hand, maybe its simply to remind him that im here, im exist, and i just, i just dont want to be forgotten.

 

And now, i feel so stupid, so ****ing stupid..

Why the hell did i do that? Why the hell did i send him the email?

I broke my own NC. Arghhhh....

 

Would i feel better if he reply the email with something more personally?

Like saying he miss me and that kind of things..

Yah maybe i will be glad and happy if he replies it with that sweet word.

But after that what would happen?

I would be back to the hell cycle, told him that everything's gonna be okay, bla bla bla..

So basically im content with this situation.

 

 

But still, i disappointed with myself.

Even though i didnt write anything stupid in the email,

still its a personal help, nothing to do with our business only relationship.

Why oh why did i do that?

It just opens a new wound when finally i feel better about everything.

And now im back to square one.

 

Any advice please

[despicableME]

Its like he has gotten over me already. Like i mean nothing to him.

 

But I thought this was what you wanted.

 

 

I know I'm sounding like a broken record to you, but- "outta sight outta mind."

 

I just don't think you "get it" yet. You're trying to keep these two worlds of yours from colliding-- the toxic one, from the positive one.

 

I think you mentioned that you're only 24 years-old... still young enough to pursue your career elsewhere.

 

What's the big deal in at least considering a change in scenery. I for one, am actively seeking a change, and I'm in my mid 30's with a very prestigious position. I'm definetly gonna land on my feet again, away from the memories of what transpired here.

 

I just don't get why you're trying to make this work, when piece of mind is out that door???

[LovelyLaura]

I know what you tried to say DM.

And i thank you for sharing your thought.

 

I know that you are right, i have to get the hell out of this office.

But i just feel that its too much for me to sacrifice anything for this one mistake.

Yes, its a huge freakin mistake, but will it cost my entire life?

 

My job here, i love it. The circumstances, office atmosphere, job desc, its all i dream from a job. Just thinking that i have to leave all of this because one stupid silly mistake, really makes me chill.

 

I've read my last post and it makes me smile.

Sorry, i was so wrecked at that time i posted it.

Its not that bad actually, i admit that i still miss him.

But the feeling is just it. Nothing more, nothing less.

And the fact that i wont see him regularly, makes it easier.

 

But then if his W finds out about ME,

i guess its time for me to say goodbye to my lovely office here.

I hope that time will never come...

[wannabdone]

LL, I have been in your position. You did it because you wanted to do it... why? Probably MULTIPLE reasons. You want to be someone in his mind that always keeps their word, you wanted him to remember you, you wanted to keep your foot in the door, you wanted to show him that you had moved on and could handle yourself as "no big deal", and the list goes on and on. But mainly, IMO you wanted to keep your foot in the door.

 

Girl, no matter what his reply would have been, you would have been hurt. Why? This is a hurtful and painful thing. All A's are.

 

I think you need to be honest with yourself. What is it that you are wanting? Once you can do that, you can start healing.

 

I think you are telling yourself you want this over, but I think (IMO) you are wanting him to wake up and see he can't live w/o you. But the thing is... your not even giving him that chance. Because you are still there, and still doing things he asks.

 

I don't want to make you feel any worse. Your not a stupid girl... just acting in not so smart ways. And we have all done this in one way or another. Its hard to not act stupid when your emotions are involved.

 

Let me ask you this... what would you tell a friend if she was sitting down and telling you this very story?

 

Long and short of it... LOVELY LAURA DESERVES MORE!!!!

[LovelyLaura]

What is the point to tell the W about me BW?

 

The W already found out about the A, means that she already knew that her H was cheating on her. It will be her decision whether to stay on the M or end it.

 

If she found out that the AP was me, will it benefit her? What kind of benefit it is?

 

It will ruin, not just my career but also MM career.

 

Yes, i entered the A with wide eyes open, i own my part of it,

and i realize that it was a big mistake.

I regret it, now and maybe for the rest of my life.

But i will not let it ruin my life ahead.

Call me coward, call me naive, call me anything.

But i will keep my stand here, fight for my own pride and dignity.

[LovelyLaura]

LL, I have been in your position. You did it because you wanted to do it... why? Probably MULTIPLE reasons. You want to be someone in his mind that always keeps their word, you wanted him to remember you, you wanted to keep your foot in the door, you wanted to show him that you had moved on and could handle yourself as "no big deal", and the list goes on and on. But mainly, IMO you wanted to keep your foot in the door.

 

Girl, no matter what his reply would have been, you would have been hurt. Why? This is a hurtful and painful thing. All A's are.

 

I think you need to be honest with yourself. What is it that you are wanting? Once you can do that, you can start healing.

 

I think you are telling yourself you want this over, but I think (IMO) you are wanting him to wake up and see he can't live w/o you. But the thing is... your not even giving him that chance. Because you are still there, and still doing things he asks.

 

I don't want to make you feel any worse. Your not a stupid girl... just acting in not so smart ways. And we have all done this in one way or another. Its hard to not act stupid when your emotions are involved.

 

Let me ask you this... what would you tell a friend if she was sitting down and telling you this very story?

 

Long and short of it... LOVELY LAURA DESERVES MORE!!!!

Yes, wannabdone, i wanted him to remember me, i didnt want to be easily forgotten. But now i realize that its just my selfish part.

Because honestly, i dont even want this man as my future husband.

Really, too much age difference, too much drama, and i dont love him that way.

Maybe i was being selfish. I dont want this man, but i want him to want me.

I do care about him a lot, but im not in love with him.

Im emotionally attach to him, but i dont want any longterm relationship with him.

 

I know its not a good thing, thats why i try so hard to detach myself from him.

Its not fair both for him and his family.

That is my reason when i ended the A in the first place.

 

I just hope that despite of everything,

i could move on with my life.

[wannabdone]

Yes, wannabdone, i wanted him to remember me, i didnt want to be easily forgotten. But now i realize that its just my selfish part.

Because honestly, i dont even want this man as my future husband.

Really, too much age difference, too much drama, and i dont love him that way.

Maybe i was being selfish. I dont want this man, but i want him to want me.

I do care about him a lot, but im not in love with him.

Im emotionally attach to him, but i dont want any longterm relationship with him.

 

I know its not a good thing, thats why i try so hard to detach myself from him.

Its not fair both for him and his family.

That is my reason when i ended the A in the first place.

 

I just hope that despite of everything,

i could move on with my life.

 

 

You can move on with your life and you will. I have faith in you.

 

I know its that essentially it is "selfish" to want to not be forgotten, selfish or not, we all feel that way. None of us want to be with someone for X amount of time, and think they can just pick up and move on. We are all humans, and we all want and need validation that we were cared about. I understand that.

 

Just know this... you are better off moving on with your own life. there will come a day, when you think about him and don't have all of these feelings that overwhelm you. I think since you have said you are not actually in love with him, those feelings will come sooner than later.

 

I have broke NC before, and guess what... I learned something every single time. Don't take this as an opporunitity to beat yourself up, take it as an opportunity to grow from it.

 

You are going to be okay, I promise.

[PeineDeCoeur]

Yes, wannabdone, i wanted him to remember me, i didnt want to be easily forgotten. But now i realize that its just my selfish part.

Because honestly, i dont even want this man as my future husband.

Really, too much age difference, too much drama, and i dont love him that way.

Maybe i was being selfish. I dont want this man, but i want him to want me.

I do care about him a lot, but im not in love with him.

Im emotionally attach to him, but i dont want any longterm relationship with him.

 

I know its not a good thing, thats why i try so hard to detach myself from him.

Its not fair both for him and his family.

That is my reason when i ended the A in the first place.

 

I just hope that despite of everything,

i could move on with my life.

 

Hi LL;

 

I'm going through a similar kind of thing - no contact for about 11 days, and really want to email him today.

 

I look for emails all the time and am disappointed that he hasn't tried to contact me. This is the longest we've gone without contact. Even though I ended it, somehow I'd like to know that he's hurting, that it's not easy, that he misses me.. maybe to validate the way I feel... much less complicated for me because I don't work with my xMM. The feelings are intense even though I don't love him and don't want him as a long term partner - but the attachment is/was very real.

[Breathless]

Hi LL;

 

I'm going through a similar kind of thing - no contact for about 11 days, and really want to email him today.

 

I look for emails all the time and am disappointed that he hasn't tried to contact me. This is the longest we've gone without contact. Even though I ended it, somehow I'd like to know that he's hurting, that it's not easy, that he misses me.. maybe to validate the way I feel... much less complicated for me because I don't work with my xMM. The feelings are intense even though I don't love him and don't want him as a long term partner - but the attachment is/was very real.

 

 

I also worked with xMM. I worked for the company for over 12 years and many of my coworkers were family to me (working with them for that long tends to happen). But the day after DDay - I called up my manager and resigned. I had to do it for my own mental health and out of respect (whatever it was worth to them) for my BH and his BW. At the time, my BH moved out of the house on DDay and we declared our marriage over. xMM told me that his BW did not want to breakup their family on DDay. But knowing the pain I/we caused our spouses - how could I do more damage and go back to where it all began? Don't get me wrong - leaving my career was not a selfless act of goodness. It was purely out of the selfish need to survive and the only way to survive the heartache was to get far away from xMM. I would think it was the same for him (at least I would "like" to think that it was same). He had a fighting chance to save his marriage and family life and with having to be around me at work - lowered his odds of success. But with NC - I was able to focus on repairing my marriage, my mental health, found a new job. Basically I was able to rebuild what I tore down.

 

Its been a little over 9 months of NC. Every now and then, I find myself hoping that the text msg or the email is from xMM. The feeling of wonder and hope is what hurt me the most. But it's all part of the healing process though - to lose the "hopeful" feeling and to accept that your "wonder" will always go unanswered. Slow and steady...that's how I plan to win this torturous race in my head...slow and steady!

[TurningTables]

If it were me LL I would say he needs to leave the company or you do or else he can pick up his bag from the trash coz the locks are changed. It might be that he leaves. But the fact you're still proximity to him means she is still living a lie. She thinks it's NC and it really isn't. I know what it's like to live without Nc and its not viable.

 

The benefit is making her own choice to leave or not or demand he leaves or not. She can't really force you to, though he can he needs to own that if he does (and then he wouldn't be as nice as you say).

 

If it ruins you and him well that's what you get for the affair. I'm in that exact circumstance. If I ruin OW career I will ruin WH. My choice is not to, but I'd she does it anyway then I won't cry for him. I'll cry that *i* have to move because I'm innocent. But I won't cry for his career or hers. It's justice really.

 

I don't hear anything about any consequences for either you or him so far. That must seem horribly unfair to her even of she doesn't know who you are. There need to be consequences.

 

 

BW,

 

I am going to be tough on you right now. Isnt the above bolded a little double standard here? You have written countless times that your H wont/cant leave his job, but you are telling Laura to leave hers? You cannot tell one poster one thing and then defend why your H isnt doing what he is supposed to do to save your M. Sorry, but that is the way I see it.

 

Laura, its only natural that you feel this way. When you let someone in your life, care about them and then they leave, you want them to miss you. Its human nature. Its ok. I wont lie to you that these feelings will take a long time to fade away. It also depends on how long the friendship/affair went on for. You will get there. Just give yourself some time and room to breathe. Accept that you have these feelings and tell youself its ok. We all make mistakes and we ALL have broken NC. Get back on the train and change your mindset.Best wishes.

[TurningTables]

TT it's a fair question and I wasn't clear. I don't have any sympathy for H if he loses his job. He deserves it. So does xOW. And LL and her xMM.

 

The only people who don't deserve consequences but inevitably have them are the BSs. I don't want him to lose his job because it's unfair to ME not to him.

 

Not a. Double standard to me. I would be fine with H losing his job and moving to another in the same city. I would prefer it as it would be away from triggers there. But there isn't anywhere that does this stuff except where xOW will be. And I don't want me and the kidlets to suffer. Really would not mind H getting his just deserts.

 

I think what you sense is my lack of sympathy. If a woman broke up with a single bf and was missing him is be sympathetic. But here there is someone else whose whole life will be scarred by this forever. So I feel it's only right the xOW has consequences too even If they are minor in comparison. It galls me to see cheaters get off scot free be they OW or MM. It galls me that H won't get his full consequences but unfortunately I can only get him consequences by either ruining my own household financially or emotionally. I kind of hope she does ruin him in a way. The. I'd have carte Blanche to ruin her career and tell her H and we would cope with the rest somehow.

 

Oops- WH doesn't work with her and if he did and she couldn't be prevented for working there then yes I'd demand he moved. I don't like that she's even in the same city!

 

 

I dont think you should be sympathic at all to your H or his xOW. However, have you thought that Laura may/may not be M herself or have a child OR have someone that is depending on her financially? How is that fair to them? You really have to see all sides of a situation and think of them before you tell someone to leave their job/family/home.

Cheaters dont get off scott free. My xMM may have for right now, but everything will come out in the "wash" sooner or later. It always does!

[imperfectangel]

LL for as long as youre emailing him you will never be in true NC.

 

We all fall off the wagon - I still do but its gotten to the point where its every 3/4 weeks rather than 2/3 days you will get there but you have to WANT to get there and i dont think you do.

 

MY exMM just dropped off the face of the earth in January i went crazy and was a complete mess - even that seems a under statement BUT by the time he decided he had time to email me - you know cos we all know how long that takes dont we?! - i was past caring.

 

Ill always love/care for him but i love and care for myself more. Ive spent years waiting for me and now his time is up theres only so much messing about you can take.

 

I find nc much easier now b/c i WANT to be NC i want HIM to feel for **** i felt for so long. whether he is or not i do not know or care.

 

He couldnt be arsed to respond to me whenever i reached out to him so why should i care about him now?

 

Youll reach your pont LL where you wont care if he remembers you but I just dont think you want nc yet and thats ok youll get there in time

[TurningTables]

TT if I thought LL had a BH or child I would consider that, apologies if I missed something.

 

I wish I could believe you but I see cheaters get off scot free all over the place. My dad, x OWs dad, my sisters abusive H, my uncle, neighbors, colleagues, a guy I used to work for.

 

Particularly in the last case I see MM and OW fall their feet all the time. O

 

 

Bw,

 

You may not see on the outside, but trust me, it will catch up with them. Time reveals everything we need to know if we just wait.

[LovelyLaura]

PeineDeCoeur, wow we have exactly the same story,

 

Me too, its embarrassing, but i have to admit, i keep checking on my handphone, my email, my fb account, just to see whether he contacted me or not.

And the fact that he didnt, also made me soo damn upset.

Im the one who initiated NC, but same with you, somehow I'd like to know that he's hurting, that it's not easy for him, that he's missing me..

I guess its normal PdC, to want someone feel exactly the way you feel for him..

I miss him, its so hard for me to get through the day without any contact for him.

And i dont know, the fact that maybe he misses me too, that its not easy for him to let me go, kinda helps.

But i realize that it just the illusion that we create to help us grieve over him.

Im still in the same stage with you, where we want to be remember by him, not easily forgotten.

But im definitely sure, that i will move on from this stage, and feel indifference toward him.

As like breathless said, slow and steady...that's how I plan to win this torturous race in my head... slow and steady!

U will get there too..

[LovelyLaura]

BW, im a 25 yo single lady, i have no child.

But still, i dont want to leave my job.

 

I know you think that this world is so unfair,

where the good one suffers, and the bad one goes scot-free.

But it is what it is for now, but in time, i believe we all will get our fair share of life.

 

Leave my job, is it the punishment that i have to give to myself?

To prove my guilty, to prove that the world is fair?

 

Oh BW, you dont know anything about punishment.

I know i enter the A with full consciousness, that i create the chaos by myself.

That im causing someone a lot of pain (BW, MM, their daughter)

 

That knowledge makes me suffer every single day you know.

I grieve over MM, i cry for the trouble that i created,

i scream, i curse my self.

And i know i will live with this regret and guilt for the rest of my life.

For now, i guess its the punishment for me.

And it tortures me every single minute.

 

Maybe its still not enough for you or the BW,

but do you want me to punish myself until i couldnt get up from my bed because of depression?

Sorry, i cant do that.

I live my life, i've made mistake, i have my guilt, i have my regret, and it tortures me, but i will keep moving on with my life.