Will she ever come back to me?

[marsha80]

Sounds like you both have gone through this "merry-go-round" pattern of fighting, then reconciling, wayyy too many times. And. now you want her to BELIEVE that you've truly changed (and not just changing to get her back, and then revert back to yourself when you feel things are 'safe' again).

 

It doesn't matter what you say, have you convinced anyone else other than you that you've truly changed? Is she convinced? Honestly, if you truly love her (and I mean in an unselfish way -- not love her only if she is with you), you will prove to her that you've changed. She will decide whether or not she wants you back, or to stay in her current relationship.

[fificremefarben]

I think the best thing you two can do is leave each other alone for the time being. Not only is there another guy involved, but there is also evidently a lot of anger between the two of you at the moment. Nothing productive comes out of conversing with each other in the anger phase, just regret. Take a while and come back and talk it out when you've both got level heads. Also, you need to give her time be with this new guy. Whether it works out in your favour or not, she needs to experience both to see who she wants. The only downside is that if and when she realises you were the right guy, you might not be willing to take her back. It's not a great path to go down, but it's a path you have to go down because you couldn't stay together as things currently stood.

 

That said, I'm rooting for you both. This is a LS first for me- a couple airing both sides and being advised by fellow LSers. I love it!

[Lostris]

Im 100% sure its him, trust me on that one

Do u know how does it feel like to get hurt by a person who u love the most? He was my first, in many ways, and in him i saw everything that i wanted. Even now, i can see in him some things that i like about guys, but thats not the point here.

Do u know who does it feel like getting hurt every day, for months without a break? I must also say, we had our beautiful moments also. But, everytime he insulted me, i asked him not to do it again, cuz it hurt.. and he promised. And everytime he failed... And promised again... my friends that he hated in the begining told me to be with him, cuz they saw i really loved him, no matter what... but they, my family saw how sad i was also, how many times i cried... They weren't the one who told me to break up, i did it on my own...

As for "maybe some day in the future" part- yes, i know we are over. i told him that. cuz i dont wanna be sad or cry anymore....

[Chi townD]

They weren't the one who told me to break up, i did it on my own...

 

Uh huh and current boyfriend had NOTHING to do with the break up...absolutely nothing to do with it and NO INFLUENCE what-so-ever! right....gotcha...

 

To mindfreak...I wouldn't post here for help anymore. All your threads would be compromised. You might have to find another forum.

[Gulf-Delta]

So, I've read all of this... I'm the girl Mindfr3ak is talking about

First of all, Mindfr3ak, why haven't u told them the whole story? 1. we live 220km away from each other. 2- cuz of u not listening to me i haven't seen you more than a year IN TOTAL. 3- everyday u somehow manage to go into a fight with me over stupid things, which made me cry every time! 4- not to mention all the bad things u said.... And that u wanted to see me crying so u can just laugh at sight of me like that.... That's just one example, i don't wanna type to long... 5- u wanted to control me, u needed to know everything 24/7, i wasn't able to go out for a walk without getting into a fight with you "why do you need to go out, if you can stay ALL day in front of computer, talking to me" style... 6- yeah, u hated all my friends, u told me everyone of them were bad influence, even though i knew them 10 years and i could trust them with my life if needed....

And all this time, i really did loved you... I'm not gonna lie, maybe i still do, but not in a way i once did, and not so much. I NEVER cheated on you. I stayed loyal till the very end!

As for my new bf, what i told you is also true... he was ONLY a friend. But yes, he was there to wipe away the tears i cried for you and to bring me up when u got me down. That never made him anything more than a normal friend. I know that someday we (my new bf and i) are gonna break up. I'm fully aware of that. As i said, i really don't think 2 of us are gonna get back together... But if u think two of us are soul-mates, believe... I cant stop you from believing in love, and us also.

ps- like Mindfr3ak already said, english is also not my first speaking language.

 

This **** is such a cop out. If you care about him at all, and know you and your new man are going to break up, why do it at all?

 

Don't tell Mindfr3ak to hold on to you if you're going to be a bitch and break his heart even more. If you love him at all, even a tiny bit, you respect him. If you truly respect him and what you had, be upfront with him. Tell him what is going to happen. You need to tell him what is going to happen.

 

The man is clearly hurt, and you're fine with letting him be hurt with no communication. You need to figure out what the hell you want and either leave this man alone until you sort things out (that means ignoring him) or be with him. No matter what, you NEED to explain to him what's going to happen.

Edited April 30, 2012 by Gulf-Delta

[Mindfr3ak]

To chi townd:

No,he had to do with it,every time she has spoken to him,and i saw that with my own eyes on their text messages,he said that she needs to break up,he WAS influencing her,as i already said,she listened to him,and im aware of her being so naive since i met her.

To others:

Im just gonna stay out of the way,since i listened to chi townd's advice and i healed myself almost completely...im now able to think about other things and be kinda happy(im not still over her).I do love her still and that wont change,but i wont just stand here and listen to her lies,she got a totally wrong picture of me,yes,i did make mistakes,but she overdid it,for example "And that u wanted to see me crying so u can just laugh at sight of me like that...." i wanted to see her on skype so i can make her happy again,and i said "you're crying?come on skype so i can see you",and just because of that "so i can see you" misunderstanding she got the wrong picture,like in many many more situations.But,if she's better without me,i wont get in her way.One day she will get that i once lived for her,that she was my life,and that i was hers.But then i dont know if i will want to get back with her,since i dont know if she's gonna hurt me again like this.

P.S. I did change my behavior and learned from my mistakes,just so you guys dont think of me as a selfish idiot.I had to learn what i did wrong all by myself,and she has to do it too,but right now,she still doesnt know even one of her mistakes,she isnt yet aware what she's done to me.

[Tiera D]

Sorry but i believe its a large percentage ur fault,i believe u know that already,but these process takes time.I personally do not agree with some posters in this thread who made ur ex to sound like a bad girl,i believe ur girl is rebounding with that guy,i know guys like that they start by coming as a friend,slowly gain ur exes trust,being the blanket of comfort she needs,while slowly poisoning her mind waiting the perfect moment to strike.Thats why i learnt with people like these u should cut them out at start.Him being together with her now is the hardest evidence that he planned to be with her all along,a normal friend would not do that.

 

Good news to u is that love is based foundation,ur foundation with her is time and love,while her foundation with him is probably insecurities,fear of being alone,needing a comfort blanket (especially if she gone to him in 1 week)..it Wont Work trust me.

 

My counsel,give her time to cool down,NC,improve urself..After some time,that dude will lose his marbles due to keep listening ur ex talking abt u..Then thats ur moment to get her back.Clear?

 

TD

[jennisfora]

i think that is wise mindfreak. while she is in a relationship i would have nothing to do with her. if she contacts you, it is because she feels guilty, not to reconcile. i think you are also correct that if she doesn't know her mistakes, it is pretty much gauranteed she won't fix them. i personally think it is cruel to dangle the carrot of hope of a future, when she has no idea what she wants with who. as she said, relationships among teens rarely work. the same could be said about her relationship with you. right now i think she is far from settling down, probably won't be in the right place for a lot of years, and you are better off staying away. work on you. *hugs*

[Chi townD]

To chi townd:

No,he had to do with it,every time she has spoken to him,and i saw that with my own eyes on their text messages,he said that she needs to break up,he WAS influencing her,as i already said,she listened to him,and im aware of her being so naive since i met her.

.

 

Yeah dude, I KNOW he had a huge hand in her decision to break up with you. My other post was sarcasim.

 

Okay, you sound young, so here's what you do. You get your revenge. The best revenge you can get is to lead a good life. Get a new hairstyle and new clothes. Get yourself in college and do well there. Study a lot and give yourself every opportunity to set yourself up financially. So, you can land that good job with good pay. Go to the gym and run on the treadmill and push weight. It is a great way to handle stress. When you're at college and you have a summer break or spring break. Travel! Reward yourself for a job well done! Pick a place that you've always dreamed of going to, find out the cost and save for it. Then, when spring break happens, go! Enjoy yourself! Go see the Great Wall of China! Petra! Macchu Piccu! The Bahamas! Where ever you want to go. And just go!

[Mindfr3ak]

First off,thank you all for your help and positive thoughts,it really helps me cleaning up the mess after the BU.

I already started working on myself,im getting better in school,hoping for a good college and a nice life.You all are right,i listened to your advice and im feeling a little better now,its slow but just because i was still fighting with my ex.Im just not gonna sit there and wait for her to learn her lesson,im gonna live my life as you already said i need to do.

P.S. Chi,i am really young,only 18 years old...you could probably see immediately that i dont have much experience with love...but thats the whole reason im here right?To get help from more experienced people.

[Lostris]

So, in the end im the bad girl here? Great....

As for the revenge part- why revenge? towards who?

If he does all of the thing u said (or some of them atleast), i would be happy!! I would be happy to see him happy! Or atleast to think that somewhere out there he is happy and enjoying life!

Im not one of the ex's that after a break up hate their ex bf and everything about them. Im not that kind of a person. I still see good stuff about him, and bad stuff also, no matter what i want him to laugh, smile, be happy, enjoy life, spend time with his friends...

I know that maybe i sound like a "bad girl" for wanting that since i know he loves me... But no mattter what... I want to know that he is ok. Its not cuz i feel guilty and stuff, im a kind of a person who likes to see people happy...

[Mindfr3ak]

Well the first thing i want to say is-if you wanted so badly to see me happy,you wouldnt do this in the first place.For the other part of being guilty,no you arent the bad girl here,you're just too naive to see that some people in your life are using you,and people here that have experience are telling the truth,even the girl that protected you in her post here is convinced that you have a problem.Well,its not on me anymore,its up to you to clear the s**t in your life and learn a lesson as i did on my own.Until then i wont be a part of your life.

[Chi townD]

even the girl that protected you in her post here is convinced that you have a problem.

 

Hey there slick, I'm in your corner; however, you have a big problem too! And you've even admitted to this. You need to learn to treat women better. You need to learn what you did wrong. Make those changes and NOT REPEAT them. You can tell me you've changed, but to be honest, talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words. You wouldn't HAVE to tell me or her that you've changed because people should already SEE it. So, I wouldn't be on here pointing fingers.

[Mindfr3ak]

Hey there slick, I'm in your corner; however, you have a big problem too! And you've even admitted to this. You need to learn to treat women better. You need to learn what you did wrong. Make those changes and NOT REPEAT them. You can tell me you've changed, but to be honest, talk is cheap and actions speak louder than words. You wouldn't HAVE to tell me or her that you've changed because people should already SEE it. So, I wouldn't be on here pointing fingers.

 

Well,i know that you're here to help me,but the BU just simply "forced" me to change...im a really stubborn person,and i like to have it my way,but that changed,i had over 4 months to change,and i did,people around me see that too..the thing that bothers me is that the person i changed for in the first place,is not considering on solving her own problems,and she doesnt even believe me..i know actions speak louder than words,but i CANT show it to her if she doesnt even want to see it.The only solution here is to leave her be,and if she really doesnt want me in her life,i cant force her and i wont even try to,since it hurts to see what she's doing to herself.

[Chi townD]

So, in the end im the bad girl here? Great....

As for the revenge part- why revenge? towards who?

If he does all of the thing u said (or some of them atleast), i would be happy!! I would be happy to see him happy! Or atleast to think that somewhere out there he is happy and enjoying life!

Im not one of the ex's that after a break up hate their ex bf and everything about them. Im not that kind of a person. I still see good stuff about him, and bad stuff also, no matter what i want him to laugh, smile, be happy, enjoy life, spend time with his friends...

I know that maybe i sound like a "bad girl" for wanting that since i know he loves me... But no mattter what... I want to know that he is ok. Its not cuz i feel guilty and stuff, im a kind of a person who likes to see people happy...

 

This is what the term "revenge" on this forum means. You're coming to a site where peoples marriages and long term relationships have failed. Sometimes it's because the relationship has run it's course and a lot of times there's someone else involved. The ones that have been betrayed by either their wife or husband; or boyfriend or girlfriend are soooo hurt that they can barely get out of bed in the morning. That even though the relationship wasn't perfect, it still did warrent being left for someone else. So, we try to motivate them to "get their revenge". To prove to themselves that they CAN function without their Ex's. That they CAN improve their lives and make them EVEN BETTER than when they were with their Ex's. To make them see their own self-worth and experience life even without their Ex's with them.

 

Oh, and by the way. You did cheat on him. You don't have to have sex or be physical with someone else to cheat. There are two types of affairs. There are Physical Affairs (PA) and Emotional Affairs (EA). You became emotionally involved with your current boyfriend while you were still dating Mindfreak. You became emtionally attached to someone other than who you promised to date exclusively. The reason why I know this is because you started dating the current Boyfriend just DAYS after you ended it with Mindfreak. You would have never have done that if there wasn't something already there. So, yeah. You cheated.

 

Look, I'm not saying that your a "bad person" But what I'm saying is that you made "bad choices" on how to handle the situation. And why do you need to know that he's okay? You dumped him. You made the choice to have him gone from your life. So, shouldn't he be gone and nothing more than a after thought to you? Let him go, apparently you're happy with your current situation (until your current boyfriend finds another girl that needs a shoulder to cry on) and Mindfreak came here to sort his life out. To figure himself out and get back on his feet.

[Chi townD]

person i changed for in the first place,is not considering on solving her own problems,and she doesnt even believe me..i know actions speak louder than words,but i CANT show it to her if she doesnt even want to see it.

 

And how is this your Problem? You never change yourself for someone else. You would be lying to yourself. Presenting yourself to someone falsely. You make changes for yourself and yourself ONLY! People will see the change and comment. Will want to hang out with the new you. But, you do it for yourself.

 

Your Ex dumped you, if she doesn't believe you or doesn't care to see the changes...not your problem anymore. She fired you as a boyfriend. When you get fired from a job, do you go back the next day and hang out and give them free work? No! You go find another job.

 

SO, you make the changes in your life for you. And some other girl will benefit from the new you. In time, after you heal. I wouldn't date anyone until you've completely healed and moved on. If your still harboring feelings for your Ex, then don't date yet. It wouldn't be fair to you and it certainly wouldn't be fair to the girl you're dating.

[Mindfr3ak]

Oh, and by the way. You did cheat on him. You don't have to have sex or be physical with someone else to cheat. There are two types of affairs. There are Physical Affairs (PA) and Emotional Affairs (EA). You became emotionally involved with your current boyfriend while you were still dating Mindfreak. You became emtionally attached to someone other than who you promised to date exclusively. The reason why I know this is because you started dating the current Boyfriend just DAYS after you ended it with Mindfreak. You would have never have done that if there wasn't something already there. So, yeah. You cheated.

Well,this one hurt..i never thought about it that way,emotional cheating.Well,even if she cheated on me,the only way she ever could get me to forget it and be happy with her is if she LEARNS from it and never does that again,and this would be a reminder of what would happen if things get like this again(i mean with a new "friend" and so on)...

Still,im very confused since you said she cheated on me emotionally,but 3 or 4 days ago she texted me in tears that her new bf doesnt mean anything to her,to be more precise "I dont love him,i dont want him and i dont need him",that were her words.I dont believe she was lying since she was in tears and shaking,and thats the time when she doesnt simply know how to lie even if she wanted.She may present herself as a happy new person now,but i still know that deep inside of her,she knows that she did a mistake,it will just be a matter of time when it comes out.I definitely think that her new bf is a rebound,as one of the posters here said,she doesnt even know that they're only together because she has problems,but once she solves them,once she realizes that she did a terrible mistake,he wont even matter anymore,and thats a fact.

[Mindfr3ak]

And how is this your Problem? You never change yourself for someone else. You would be lying to yourself. Presenting yourself to someone falsely. You make changes for yourself and yourself ONLY! People will see the change and comment. Will want to hang out with the new you. But, you do it for yourself.

 

Your Ex dumped you, if she doesn't believe you or doesn't care to see the changes...not your problem anymore. She fired you as a boyfriend. When you get fired from a job, do you go back the next day and hang out and give them free work? No! You go find another job.

 

SO, you make the changes in your life for you. And some other girl will benefit from the new you. In time, after you heal. I wouldn't date anyone until you've completely healed and moved on. If your still harboring feelings for your Ex, then don't date yet. It wouldn't be fair to you and it certainly wouldn't be fair to the girl you're dating.

 

The thing is that i will always have feelings for her.No matter how much i hate her behavior or the fact that she dumped me like this and made my life a living hell,i love her,and yes i know,im an idiot for that.

[Chi townD]

The thing is that i will always have feelings for her.No matter how much i hate her behavior or the fact that she dumped me like this and made my life a living hell,i love her,and yes i know,im an idiot for that.

 

That's why you have to distance yourself from her. Look, she's moving on with her life and you're following her in her wake. Is that being fair to yourself? She's already told you ON HERE!! That she's not coming back. She made her choice and unfortunately, you weren't it. So, you need to find your own path. Look, I understand having strong feelings for someone. You wouldn't be human if you didn't. But, you are never going to heal and move on properly if you continue to be in constant contact with her! You are not friends with her. I'm sure you didn't get into a relationship with her and invested all your feelings and love for her only to ultimately become nothing more than "really good friends". Perphaps one day, when you've completely healed and lost all those feelings you've been harboring for her, maybe THEN you can strike up a friendship. But, not until then. And here's the rub, sometimes that can take years.

[Mindfr3ak]

That's why you have to distance yourself from her. Look, she's moving on with her life and you're following her in her wake. Is that being fair to yourself? She's already told you ON HERE!! That she's not coming back. She made her choice and unfortunately, you weren't it. So, you need to find your own path. Look, I understand having strong feelings for someone. You wouldn't be human if you didn't. But, you are never going to heal and move on properly if you continue to be in constant contact with her! You are not friends with her. I'm sure you didn't get into a relationship with her and invested all your feelings and love for her only to ultimately become nothing more than "really good friends". Perphaps one day, when you've completely healed and lost all those feelings you've been harboring for her, maybe THEN you can strike up a friendship. But, not until then. And here's the rub, sometimes that can take years.

 

And what should i do when she realizes what she had with me?I know i wasnt nearly a great bf,but i was and will be the best one,noone would be an idiot like me,noone would've done the things i did for her since she was my whole life.And i know that because im hanging out with people 8+ years older than me,and even they never met a person willing to do as much as i did for her.So back to the point,once she realizes that one,i dont know what i should do.And yeah,she is positive about the thing that she doesnt want to get back with me,but in the end,she always comes to reason for an hour or two,where she tells her true feelings,one of those were that she said "i love you,and i have the same feelings for you as i once did",and on here she said that she doesnt love me the same way she did.Its just her outer "skin",but her inner self is still the same.Its very confusing and it hurts,thats for sure.

[olivec]

And what should i do when she realizes what she had with me?I know i wasnt nearly a great bf,but i was and will be the best one,noone would be an idiot like me,noone would've done the things i did for her since she was my whole life.And i know that because im hanging out with people 8+ years older than me,and even they never met a person willing to do as much as i did for her.So back to the point,once she realizes that one,i dont know what i should do.And yeah,she is positive about the thing that she doesnt want to get back with me,but in the end,she always comes to reason for an hour or two,where she tells her true feelings,one of those were that she said "i love you,and i have the same feelings for you as i once did",and on here she said that she doesnt love me the same way she did.Its just her outer "skin",but her inner self is still the same.Its very confusing and it hurts,thats for sure.

 

Your just gunna have to stay away from her man. You gotta stop beating self up over this. If she comes back to you it'll happen when she decides. If you force her it'll never happen. You also should focus on yourself right now and understand that she may never come back. You have to stay strong man.

[Chi townD]

And what should i do when she realizes what she had with me?I know i wasnt nearly a great bf,but i was and will be the best one,noone would be an idiot like me,noone would've done the things i did for her since she was my whole life.And i know that because im hanging out with people 8+ years older than me,and even they never met a person willing to do as much as i did for her.So back to the point,once she realizes that one,i dont know what i should do.And yeah,she is positive about the thing that she doesnt want to get back with me,but in the end,she always comes to reason for an hour or two,where she tells her true feelings,one of those were that she said "i love you,and i have the same feelings for you as i once did",and on here she said that she doesnt love me the same way she did.Its just her outer "skin",but her inner self is still the same.Its very confusing and it hurts,thats for sure.

 

 

DUDE!!! Your weren't the best boyfriend and you threw it away! You didn't realize it until it was too late! And I'll admit it, she stated she wants nothing but the best for you. She realized that she can't trust you or your word that you've changed. She doesn't harbor ill feelings for you and that take a very mature person to get to that point. So, she would rather keep you at a distance. Look, she put up this big emotional wall between the two of you. She's on one side and your on another. And there's nothing you can really do about it. It's HER wall! You can try and chip away at it, but very few people have ever been able to break through these things. One thing that you'll learn about women is that once they make their minds up about something, it's extremely difficult to change their minds.

[Mindfr3ak]

Your just gunna have to stay away from her man. You gotta stop beating self up over this. If she comes back to you it'll happen when she decides. If you force her it'll never happen. You also should focus on yourself right now and understand that she may never come back. You have to stay strong man.

 

And thats exactly what im doing right now.I dont want to text her,not because i dont want to,i would love to speak with her every moment of my day,but thats just gonna leave me hoping that she may come back.Right now my mind is thinking that its over for good,and if she does come back,that would mean that she realized every single mistake she made and solved the problems.Well,im just not gonna hope for that,if it happens its great,if not,well thats just her loss too.At the moment,im acting strange,everything around me reminds me of her,every single thing i do im imagining her by my side,and thats a sign that i havent moved on yet,but the strange thing is that i dont feel a thing.I could even look at her now sleeping with another dude,and i wont feel a thing about it.Its not that i wouldnt want to do something to be with her again,its just that i lost almost all my hope and im not even convinced right now that she felt for me the same way i did for her,even though she keeps telling me that im the only special one in her life.Well,to end the post,the conclusion is that im just gonna leave it all be,and its all up to her,i will continue my life as best as i can since its not really easy to change the whole style of living now,but,one way or another i will be on my feet again.

[Mindfr3ak]

DUDE!!! Your weren't the best boyfriend and you threw it away! You didn't realize it until it was too late! And I'll admit it, she stated she wants nothing but the best for you. She realized that she can't trust you or your word that you've changed. She doesn't harbor ill feelings for you and that take a very mature person to get to that point. So, she would rather keep you at a distance. Look, she put up this big emotional wall between the two of you. She's on one side and your on another. And there's nothing you can really do about it. It's HER wall! You can try and chip away at it, but very few people have ever been able to break through these things. One thing that you'll learn about women is that once they make their minds up about something, it's extremely difficult to change their minds.

 

No,i wont even try to change her mind.I stated that if she feels better without me,i WONT bother her and i left her alone.She will tare that wall all by herself one day,trust me on that one.Im not an expert in love,im merely a "student" here,but the one thing im sure about is that she will get her mistake,even if it will be in 20 years.Im just not gonna wait,i'll do the best of my life and try to get over the fact that im not the world to her anymore,thats all i meant to say.

[Chi townD]

No,i wont even try to change her mind.I stated that if she feels better without me,i WONT bother her and i left her alone.She will tare that wall all by herself one day,trust me on that one.Im not an expert in love,im merely a "student" here,but the one thing im sure about is that she will get her mistake,even if it will be in 20 years.Im just not gonna wait,i'll do the best of my life and try to get over the fact that im not the world to her anymore,thats all i meant to say.

 

 

Okay, cool....SO, you need to find your own path. Start doing the things I told you to do. The best revenge you can have is to lead a good life. Now, go see the world.