Dating a separated man

[Eternal_Optimist_85]

Hey everyone,

 

I'm in need of some advice on the dilemma's of dating a man who is separated. 4 months ago I met a fantastic guy who I have so much in common with and we just get on great. He was honest from the start that a month before meeting me he had separated from his wife, with whom he has a 14 month old daughter. At first I was reluctant to get involved as I was concerned that I was perhaps a rebound fling for him. But, you guessed it, I've ended up really falling for him.

 

For the first 3 months things were great. We saw a lot of each other, went for weekends away and everything was perfect, but this past month he seems to have changed and become really distant. Plans we had were suddenly changed at the last minute and when I have seen him, he's been completely disinterested and when I have mentioned future plans we have with each other (festivals etc) he changes the subject. He also seems to be in more regular contact with his wife recently who, understandably I guess relies on him a lot. As yet, they've made no plans to divorce, despite being separated for 5 months.

 

Now I'm probably answering my own question here, but is this a relationship I should run a mile from? Am I just setting myself up for heartbreak?

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I really don't know what to do!

[CarrieT]

Now I'm probably answering my own question here, but is this a relationship I should run a mile from? Am I just setting myself up for heartbreak?

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I really don't know what to do!

 

I think you have answered your own question and know what you need to do: Run.

 

Separated = NOT AVAILABLE.

 

He's disappeared and avoiding you? Just walk away while you can; it is probably over.

[Jstub]

Run forest run.

 

Separated men (I am one) are not there emotionally. They are not ready for a relationship. The first few months were great because he had probably missed the feeling of being wanted etc. to feel better, to make the hurt go away. After a few months, he realized that he feels even worse.

 

Just cut your losses short and end it - it's still fresh, so you should be okay. Good luck.

[PegNosePete]

Well bit of a sweeping generalization there by the other 2 posters. Not all separated men are unavailable and I would not say RUN as a knee-jerk reaction to all partners of separated men.

 

But if it's been 5 months and a divorce is not forthcoming then you have to ask him why not? Yes, because of this fact, I would RUN.

[NeverDated]

I'm a separated woman. From my perspective, separated does not necessarily mean unavailable. There are sometimes circumstances for why separations drag on and on without going to a divorce.

 

In your case, though, it sounds like you should run. He doesn't sound like he was ever really available to begin with.

[Babolat]

You are telling my story.

 

I started dating a woman 4 months post seperation. The first 1-2 months was great..great sex, lots of great times, all good. Then I started feeling distant and anxious. I would not comitt to plans...I did not want to make plans..I started hanging out with my buddies more and more...Why? I now know it was too soon and/or she was a rebound.

 

"but is this a relationship I should run a mile from? Am I just setting myself up for heartbreak?

"

 

Yes and Yes

[nanbullen]

I fell in love with a man who was separated with 2yo and 6 month old. He promised me he would get a divorce. After almost a year of not doing anything, he started getting defensive about it, so i stopped asking. Meanwhile his psycho wife was calling his mother saying things like, "I know **** doesnt want to hear from us, but would he be very angry if **** Jr. wrote him a letter and sent him some pictures he drew for him?he misses his daddy." after a year he told me he loved me but couldn't take it anymore. so we split, and she moved back same day I left.

 

Six months later, he calls me, said they split a month after i left, he loved me and he waited 5 months before calling me because he wanted to "be sure this time" and not hurt me again. Oh, and "of course" he would file for divorce! Well, he got a divorce allright. It took 3 years and it cost us our relationship. His wife lost it completely. She was shameless in using his kids against him. Have them call and ask daddy why he doesn't love them. She would get somebody to drive her and kids 600 miles, and drop them all of at our front door. and leave her with the kids, in the front yard,with NO WAY HOME, and then BEG him in front of the kids, then scream at him in.

 

she couldn't stop divorce so she said she would never let him see kids. she accused him of raping her while they were together. she called police and said he came to her house and attacked her. Her mom and sister (both also crazy) backed her story and she got a restraining order.

 

by this time they were divorced, but i didn't care. i felt like the worst person in the world. i'm not religious, but I thought I was going to he**. I was already there. He was so stressed he took it out on me. we broke up.

 

Sorry this got so long, but I would never date a man who is separated....or even divorced with small children. And i have horrible taste in men. That traumatized me for life! LOL

 

It sounds from what you say, that he may be conflicted. I would cool it and wait until he got a divorce.

 

BTW, we got back together years later, his kids practically grown, but it still didn't work out!.

[rob_h]

Hey everyone,

 

I'm in need of some advice on the dilemma's of dating a man who is separated. 4 months ago I met a fantastic guy who I have so much in common with and we just get on great. He was honest from the start that a month before meeting me he had separated from his wife, with whom he has a 14 month old daughter. At first I was reluctant to get involved as I was concerned that I was perhaps a rebound fling for him. But, you guessed it, I've ended up really falling for him.

 

For the first 3 months things were great. We saw a lot of each other, went for weekends away and everything was perfect, but this past month he seems to have changed and become really distant. Plans we had were suddenly changed at the last minute and when I have seen him, he's been completely disinterested and when I have mentioned future plans we have with each other (festivals etc) he changes the subject. He also seems to be in more regular contact with his wife recently who, understandably I guess relies on him a lot. As yet, they've made no plans to divorce, despite being separated for 5 months.

 

Now I'm probably answering my own question here, but is this a relationship I should run a mile from? Am I just setting myself up for heartbreak?

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I really don't know what to do!

 

 

I'm sorry, you need to get out or get booted. This doesn't look good. Always trust your gut!

[standtall]

Optimist...where is this guy living? With his wife? In most cases, separated is not a legal status..they are still married. A lot of married men start affairs under the guise of being separated...I would be suspicious.

[imfine]

I've been dating a separated/divorcing man with a child. He was Mr. Wonderful in the beginning so it was easy to fall for him. Slowly he started to pull away. When I try to end it, he starts being wonderful again, but it's always short lived. He blames his mood swings on depression, stress, blah, blah, blah, due to the divorce & separation from his child. Then the conversation always turns into a guilt trip with him telling me if I really cared about him I would be patient & understanding. Guess what, I've already spent too long being a best friend, lover, shrink, you name it to live with an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. We've had so many good times, but the stress, loneliness & effect on my overall well being hasn't been worth it.

 

Time goes by so fast & before you know it years pass. It's so easy to get numb to the stress, pain & loneliness that you don't even realize what it's doing to your life. You manage your expectations to the point you no longer know what they are & worse, who you are. Yes, when you love someone you support them & sometimes wait for them. However that should go both ways. If he loves you, he won't put you through anymore. He'll watch you walk away with no pressure, no guilt & no contact.

 

I recommend you cut your losses now & never look back. Otherwise you'll be looking at much more wasted time. It's much harder to leave when you have multiple years invested. Another thing to consider is just because the ink dries on the papers doesn't mean everything will be grand. A whole new set of issues will present themselves.