Fiancee and Father-In-Law not getting along!

[ehehef]

Advice Desperately Wanted from a newly engaged guy:

(apologies for the long rant)

 

My fiancee and I recently got engaged, get along wonderfully and respect and love each other dearly... and the only times when we have fought or disagreed about anything has been when it comes to my father and his behaviour.

 

He's a charming, social and friendly person but his difficult and strong character and some difficulties in his own life clash with my fiancee, who is also an opinionated and strong-willed woman. It has come to the point that after six months of contact between them, she gets "ticked off" almost every time she hears a comment from him at family gatherings, coffees, etc., and the result is that she really would rather not have anything to do with him.

 

Let me just clarify that I am an only child (she's from a larger family), and this just complicates things... although I'm 30, it's amazing how much whining I get from my father about being a guest in my own house (I'll be moving in with my fiancee soon) and about not seeing me enough and about my fiancee -- apparentlly -- drawing me away from my own parents!!! But that's another story...

 

My fiancee has characterized my father as difficult, pushy and overbearing, and that he tries to impose his opinions on others, complains about just about everything, and is tiring to be around. I never really dealt with all this in the past, probably I noticed it but didn't do anything about it, probably because I've gotten used to his behaviour all my life, probably because I never had anyone close to me to "open my eyes" and push me so much to deal with it, but I do see most of what she sees. On the other hand, I can't ignore SOME of what my father claims -- that SHE is exaggerating, being overly nit-picky and trying to find things wrong with him. Everyone accuses me of being influenced easily, and they're not always wrong!

 

It's like I'm stuck between two sides, pulling me in opposite directions! And I love them both and don't want anyone to be disappointed or hurT!

 

After nearly six months of strained relations between my fiancee and my father (they're always polite around each other, but other things are said in private), I'm getting sick of it, sick of my parents feeling that my fiancee is not showing enough "interest" in spending time with them and feeling like part of "our" family, and sick of my fiancee being so "touchy" and jumping on just about everything my father does or says.

 

HE will not accept any constructive criticism, and is so selfish that he refuses to see how she may have some good points (he just feels she is influencing me and bossing me around). So I'm up against a wall there. SHE will not accept any pressure at all to spend time with him (from me or anyone else) and is adamant about "deleting" tiring and annoying people from her life.

 

Is it too much to work towards an "ideal situation" where fiancee and parents get along wonderfully and want to spend time together??? And how can any damage already caused be reversed??? Can time really calm down everyone and maybe - just maybe - make them see each other in a bit more positive way, like when they first met?`

 

Am I just dreaming, or does this happen to a lot of people? Mostly I hear about mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law, but what about fathers??

 

Help!

[CurlyIam]

First of all, this is your fault!

 

You should not have allowed any of them to create this situation. I know about bossy parents- I love my mom to death, but sometimes... jeez!

 

Understand that it is very difficult for a woman to have anyone from her bf's family constantly correct her or tell her that she's not doing things right. Women tend to be very itchy about that. So talk to your father and be very firm about his changing your attitude. Your are gonna marry her, she's gonna have your babies and if he phantesises about seeing them other than in the pictures, he'd better change his act!

 

No way around it, just communicate him this. Defend her!

 

About your girlfriend: she must accept the fact that your father has obviously had the main influence on your life. Bossy or not, she should find it in herself the power to get passed his observations etc. IT is important to establish good relationshîps with both families. Especially if you promise her that you will talk to your father and that he shall change his attitude.

 

 

 

I know that trying to please everone comes exactly from being easily influenced. Think very well about your oppinion, analyse the situation with your mind not with your heart, take a stand and find a solution. YOu will be so surprised to find out that only you can solve it. Just decide and take action. If not it will ruin your relationship with your f and with your family, 'cause no one is gonna be happy. And they'll all blame you for it!

[ehehef]

Thanks for the reply Curly...

 

First, my father is not exactly telling her she's not doing anything right, but he DOES try to impose his opinions on everything from what coffee we drink when we go out, to where we should spend our summer vacation! Which I guess is indirectly the same thing, and as an independent woman (she has been living on her own for a few years, with her parents nearby and frequent contact with them) she just balks at any "pressure" like that.

 

I HAVE been firm with my father, on 2 very memorable occasions (including a huge shouting match yesterday) but he simply refuses to see his behaviour, or refuses to admit it, or is too insecure to even allow a discussion about it. To avoid a lot of hardship, I'm going to adopt the philosophy that he just won't hear anything about it, and most likely will not change (especially at the ripe age of 60)... at least not in the short run, MAYBE after a long time.

 

My fiancee is the type that when push comes to shove, she'll shove. So because she says things when she's upset, she has hinted that if this continues, it'll be a serious reason for her not to stick around. As she says, you can love someone but the situation can make you not able to be with them. This just stunned me, but I guess I see her point. She can say something abrupt to hurt my feelings but then call me a few minutes later to say sorry.

 

Lastly, I have no problem admitting that at LEAST half of this is my fault, not just their difficult attitudes! :-)

 

What about "saying too much" and "analyzing too much"? I wear my heart on my sleeve, so if my fiancee sees me in a rut, she can easily get me to tell her what I have been fighting about with my father (and vice versa). So I think half the "incidents" are caused by me conveying to her my father's annoying comments and ideas, or her hearing about him through me. What she actually sees in person with him is more than enough! So do I have to learn to clam up for everyone's own good? And not turn everything into a soap opera?

 

Also, I have been told that I should focus more on making sure both sides see the POSITIVE in each other, i.e.: "reminding" everyone what good they have done for me and how their good qualities should outweigh all this stuff that's going on.

 

Thanks!

[CurlyIam]

YOu are not 1é anymore for your father to tell you which camp to go! YOu are about to loosee the woman in your life for it!

 

My advice is to avoid the subject. Do not ask your dad for his oppinon, communicate it. Try to make it polite and avoidendless quarells.

 

No woman will ever stick around you if you allow your dad to have a say in every decision you make. Of course he'll always have an oppinion and I'm sure he'll let you know, but you don't have to tell your gf about it. Ignore him.

 

Evoid the quarells.

 

Try to focuss on the fact that you love and respect him as a parent, but you have your own life and your own decisions to assume. Otherwise you'll end up alone (if we count your dad out )

 

 

It isn't that hard. Tell your gf you love her and you're not gonna let anyone, family member or not to come between the two of you.

 

If you see that you just can(t m

[CurlyIam]

YOu are not 1é anymore for your father to tell you which camp to go! YOu are about to loosee the woman in your life for it!

 

My advice is to avoid the subject. Do not ask your dad for his oppinon, communicate it. Try to make it polite and avoidendless quarells.

 

No woman will ever stick around you if you allow your dad to have a say in every decision you make. Of course he'll always have an oppinion and I'm sure he'll let you know, but you don't have to tell your gf about it. Ignore him.

 

Evoid the quarells.

 

Try to focuss on the fact that you love and respect him as a parent, but you have your own life and your own decisions to assume. Otherwise you'll end up alone (if we count your dad out )

 

If you see that you can't keep the situation under controll, I say start cutting the visits at your dad's house. I know it's unfair to both of you, but someone is still gonna get hurt in this. Better him than you.

 

And remember that you are not doing this for your gf, you are doing this for yourself.

 

 

I am very glad about the fact that my parents live quite away from me... I kind of know what you must be going through... Be tough, you'll be alright!

 

 

It isn't that hard. Tell your gf you love her and you're not gonna let anyone, family member or not to come between the two of you.

 

If you see that you just can(t m

[Debster]

You are thirty years old and you live with your parents.

 

This means your fiance has to be around them a lot more than normal and is probably adding to the issue. An independent woman would probably end up losing respect for her man if he couldn't make it out in the world by himself. Plus, women are always hearing never marry a man unless he has lived by himself.

 

To prevent your fiance having to spend so much time with your parents and to make sure that you are not just moving from one sheltered home and expecting another, I strongly suggest you move out.

[ehehef]

Debster,

 

May I shoot the messenger???

 

Just kidding of course. But I see you're in Canada, where I've lived most of my life. So I have the same mentality. However, I'm now in Europe where the simple cost of living and mentality says that only young people who are very lucky (economically) or out of necessity (family living in a small town) end up living on their own. Sadly, it's just not financially viable.

 

But I see your point... no matter how independent someone seems (and believe me, I consider myself independent since I HAVE lived on my own for a few years in the past) there is something to be said about their "coziness factor" if they're still living at home.

[Debster]

May I shoot the messenger???

Why not, you wouldn't be the first one!!

 

But I see you're in Canada, where I've lived most of my life. So I have the same mentality. However, I'm now in Europe where the simple cost of living and mentality says that only young people who are very lucky (economically) or out of necessity (family living in a small town) end up living on their own. Sadly, it's just not financially viable.

 

Yes, I live in Canada but, I was born in Europe and 1/2 of my relatives live in Europe. I question your logic. If it isn't financially viable - then what do you expect will happen when you get married? How can you support a wife and family? Isn't it worth cutting your expenses. If your fiance can scape enough $ together to get her own place - why can't you?? Especially since, IMO, your living situation is what is adding to the tension in your relationship AND the tension she has with your dad.

 

I HAVE been firm with my father, on 2 very memorable occasions (including a huge shouting match yesterday) but he simply refuses to see his behaviour, or refuses to admit it, or is too insecure to even allow a discussion about it. To avoid a lot of hardship, I'm going to adopt the philosophy that he just won't hear anything about it, and most likely will not change (especially at the ripe age of 60)... at least not in the short run, MAYBE after a long time.

 

From your post, your Dad appears pig-headed and obstinate. Granted your Dad probably won't change. But instead of making things change based on your actions, you decide to duck your head in the sand. How can you make change happen? By being a man. Moving out. Supporting your fiance emotionally. Cutting the dad equivalent of apron strings and drawing a line between what is and what is not up for discussion.

 

She has already hinted that if you don't do something to fix things, she's out of there. If you don't do something to change things, quite frankly, I can understand why.