AshleighL Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 Now that I am in a new relationship, I feel like I am becomming the abuser. I don't know what is wrong with me, but it feels like I am almost as hostile to my current boyfriend as Thomas was with me. I scream at him everyday telling him that he is a liar and that he doesn't love me. I accuse him of cheating even when I know he isn't. I threaten to hurt myself all the time in front of him and then blame it on him because I feel like he is treating me just as bad as Thomas had, but in reality he isn't. Then I constantly talk about Thomas and my lingering feelings despite the abuse. I curse at him and point out every little thing he does wrong and constantly say I am going to leave. In my mind I picture myself turning into Thomas and I can't stop it. I hate what I do to him, and even worse, I don't know why I do it. I mean, I guess because we have been dating almost two years things have changed, both with him and with me. That concerns me because he isn't like what he was when I met him. He isn't that knight in shining armor anymore. He is just Brandon, a guy a care a lot about but I cannot place my feelings any farther than that anymore. But I don't know whether it is because my feelings for Thomas seem to be getting stronger by the second or whether I just don't love him anymore. But all I am sure of is that I hate what I am doing to him and I want to stop and understnad why I do what I do so that maybe I can fix it to fix our relationship or at least give him the quality of life he deserves. He is still my best friend, I just want the very best for him. I just need to understand what my feelings are for him and for Thomas are and why I hurt him on purpose. I also think it might be because he is leaving for college after this year and it scares me to death because I don't want to get hurt so horribly again so I am trying to push him away. Thoughts anyone? Link to post Share on other sites
BewitchedandBothered Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 It sounds like you never got Thomas out of your system completely before entering into a new relationship. Also the fact that you threaten to hurt yourself is of great concern. This is something you would need counseling for to get your head straight and sort everything you have been feeling. You seem to have deep feelings for Thomas and are afraid of being abandoned since Brandon is going away to school. is it true love you feel for Brandon or more of a security and not wanting to be alone? What does Brandon say when you take things out on him? Surely he won't' want to stay if this keeps happening. I pray you sort everything out for your well being. You have been through so much and need to find that inner peace. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 I can't say why you are, but you're definitely looking to get rid of him if you're hurling that kind of abuse. I would really suggest just breaking up with him straight off and exploring things with Thomas again if that's what you feel. Brandon sounds like a nice guy, he doesn't need to get beaten into a pulp because he cares about you. Do him a favor and let him go if you really care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
robaday Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 Wow, read my post which you commented on. First of all congrats on your self awareness, its a real achievement. Secondly, you sound like the girl I was writing about. Only difference is you can own your own stuff. She had been abused both physically and mentally by her first boyfriend. In I walk. When I treated her badly (when we first met) she loved me unconditionally - bordering on obsessed. Sadly, when I ended up treating her nice, she hated me with a passion (or at least it seemed that way). Ive heard suicide threats, experienced physical and mental abuse, accusations of cheating, cutting herself and the rest. And she calls me insane, and blames me. Please get help, I wouldnt wish what Ive been through on anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AshleighL Posted April 12, 2012 Author Share Posted April 12, 2012 Brandon is the most INCREDIBLE guy I have ever met. No one compares. He is everything I could have dreamed of and more. I think I take advantage of that a lot. I know I shouldn't because I know exactly how that feels. Whenever I am upset and overwhelmed and yelling at him he doesn't say anything. He just takes me i his arms and holds me until I calm down. He knows everything Thomas did and he has been trying to help me ever since I told him. He listens to every grusome story I have and every horrible nightmare. I tell him my fears and my weaknesses. He listens and tells me that everything will be okay because God put me in his life so he could help me and love me right. He respects my values and morals and there has been no pressure for anything sexual. He goes to church with me and hangs out with my family. I am so lucky that I have him in my life, and I don't want to screw it up more than I have. I have been wondering lately if he is just a security blanket kind of deal or whether I really love him as much as I have always said. Whenever it comes down to it I can't stand to let him go. I don't know what to think. My mind is a complete blur. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AshleighL Posted April 12, 2012 Author Share Posted April 12, 2012 And I know I can't go back to Thomas because of how abusive he was. As much as I want to I know I can't. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 Brandon is the most INCREDIBLE guy I have ever met. No one compares. He is everything I could have dreamed of and more. I think I take advantage of that a lot. I know I shouldn't because I know exactly how that feels. Whenever I am upset and overwhelmed and yelling at him he doesn't say anything. He just takes me i his arms and holds me until I calm down. He knows everything Thomas did and he has been trying to help me ever since I told him. He listens to every grusome story I have and every horrible nightmare. I tell him my fears and my weaknesses. He listens and tells me that everything will be okay because God put me in his life so he could help me and love me right. He respects my values and morals and there has been no pressure for anything sexual. He goes to church with me and hangs out with my family. I am so lucky that I have him in my life, and I don't want to screw it up more than I have. I have been wondering lately if he is just a security blanket kind of deal or whether I really love him as much as I have always said. Whenever it comes down to it I can't stand to let him go. I don't know what to think. My mind is a complete blur. I had a girlfriend for a while that started out a lot like you. She had gotten out of a bad relationship and had some really poor experiences with men. Her self confidence was low so I spent a lot of the early relationship trying to get her back together again. Eventually something changed for her and she didn't want to be with me anymore. She felt so grateful for everything I did she just couldn't bring herself to break up with me though. It would have made her feel too guilty. So she put me through all kinds of nonsense until I finally broke up with her. In hindsight I wish she was just honest and left on her own, it would have been easier for me. I don't think you can really love a guy that you spend all day talking about another guy to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author AshleighL Posted April 12, 2012 Author Share Posted April 12, 2012 Maybe not. I have often thought to myself that it has to be impossible to love Brandon if I have such strong feelings for Thomas. You can't be in love with two people at once. But I can't let him go. Not because of guilt though. Maybe a little for security, but a lot because he is one of the best parts about my life. I couldn't stand to let something so great slip away because I can't pull myself together. I want to get through this. I want to be strong for him and I want to be the girl he sees in me. I KNOW there cannot be anything with Thomas, but why can't there be anything with Brandon? I just have to figure out how to pull myself together and get through this. I need to figure out how I am supposed to walk away from all of the memories and pain and how to let it all go. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 I KNOW there cannot be anything with Thomas, but why can't there be anything with Brandon? Because you're not sexually attracted to him. He's spending all this time holding you and not once has it transitioned into sex or anything sexual? He can be the greatest guy in the world but if you're not into him then you're not into him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AshleighL Posted April 13, 2012 Author Share Posted April 13, 2012 Trust me I am plenty attracted to him, but we both are waiting until marriage for anything sexual because of our religious beliefs and just the values and morals we were both raised with. I talked with my youth leader today (he is kind of like my counselor/therapist) and he suggested that I am trying to push Brandon over the edge to make him go off on me like Thomas used to so that I can prove he is a bad guy as well so I don't have to get hurt again. It was an interesting point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rn0408 Posted April 16, 2012 Share Posted April 16, 2012 Now that I am in a new relationship, I feel like I am becomming the abuser. I don't know what is wrong with me, but it feels like I am almost as hostile to my current boyfriend as Thomas was with me. I scream at him everyday telling him that he is a liar and that he doesn't love me. I accuse him of cheating even when I know he isn't. I threaten to hurt myself all the time in front of him and then blame it on him because I feel like he is treating me just as bad as Thomas had, but in reality he isn't. Then I constantly talk about Thomas and my lingering feelings despite the abuse. I curse at him and point out every little thing he does wrong and constantly say I am going to leave. In my mind I picture myself turning into Thomas and I can't stop it. I hate what I do to him, and even worse, I don't know why I do it. I mean, I guess because we have been dating almost two years things have changed, both with him and with me. That concerns me because he isn't like what he was when I met him. He isn't that knight in shining armor anymore. He is just Brandon, a guy a care a lot about but I cannot place my feelings any farther than that anymore. But I don't know whether it is because my feelings for Thomas seem to be getting stronger by the second or whether I just don't love him anymore. But all I am sure of is that I hate what I am doing to him and I want to stop and understnad why I do what I do so that maybe I can fix it to fix our relationship or at least give him the quality of life he deserves. He is still my best friend, I just want the very best for him. I just need to understand what my feelings are for him and for Thomas are and why I hurt him on purpose. I also think it might be because he is leaving for college after this year and it scares me to death because I don't want to get hurt so horribly again so I am trying to push him away. Thoughts anyone? I hope your new one RUNS and gets somebody better looking and deserves better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AshleighL Posted April 19, 2012 Author Share Posted April 19, 2012 I hope your new one RUNS and gets somebody better looking and deserves better. You are ignorant. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AshleighL Posted April 19, 2012 Author Share Posted April 19, 2012 I struggle everday thinking and knowing that he deserves better, but the way you are saying that I am not a good person is completely ignorant. Just because something bad happend to me and I haven't found out how to cope with it DOES NOT make me any less of a good person than anyone else, but thank you for your input. Link to post Share on other sites
rn0408 Posted April 19, 2012 Share Posted April 19, 2012 You are ignorant. You inherited bad traits from the previous relationship and you are using him as a punching bag. You are using him as a "rebound," and you are so insecure that you have to pull off a stage 5 clinger...I'm not ignorant..I'm right Honestly as a guy I don't believe in 1 night stands or Friends With Benefits (FWB). If I really wanted to, I could be a big time player but I at least have philosophies and think with reason...not my dipstick! People think I'm gay with the number of girls I shoot down at bars trying to pick me up and have a good 1 night stand... Open up to this guy or be miserable..sometimes you don't have that many chances to get a guy who will treat you like a princess. Best advice: -Work out to regain that confidence -Find a new hobby -Nature walks Link to post Share on other sites
Author AshleighL Posted April 21, 2012 Author Share Posted April 21, 2012 You inherited bad traits from the previous relationship and you are using him as a punching bag. You are using him as a "rebound," and you are so insecure that you have to pull off a stage 5 clinger...I'm not ignorant..I'm right Honestly as a guy I don't believe in 1 night stands or Friends With Benefits (FWB). If I really wanted to, I could be a big time player but I at least have philosophies and think with reason...not my dipstick! People think I'm gay with the number of girls I shoot down at bars trying to pick me up and have a good 1 night stand... Open up to this guy or be miserable..sometimes you don't have that many chances to get a guy who will treat you like a princess. Best advice: -Work out to regain that confidence -Find a new hobby -Nature walks Now see I found that to be a lot more helpful than where you said he needed to RUN now and find someone better looking and better than me because he deserves better. Haha. But thank you I found that to be really helpful, especially the "open up or be miserable" part. Most people don't give me the option of staying with him. And the working out part. Turns out I love it. Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
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