ehehef Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 Advice Desperately Wanted from a newly engaged guy: (apologies for the long rant) My fiancee and I recently got engaged, get along wonderfully and respect and love each other dearly... and the only times when we have fought or disagreed about anything has been when it comes to my father and his behaviour. He's a charming, social and friendly person but his difficult and strong character and some difficulties in his own life clash with my fiancee, who is also an opinionated and strong-willed woman. It has come to the point that after six months of contact between them, she gets "ticked off" almost every time she hears a comment from him at family gatherings, coffees, etc., and the result is that she really would rather not have anything to do with him. Let me just clarify that I am an only child (she's from a larger family), and this just complicates things... although I'm 30, it's amazing how much whining I get from my father about being a guest in my own house (I'll be moving in with my fiancee soon) and about not seeing me enough and about my fiancee -- apparentlly -- drawing me away from my own parents!!! But that's another story... My fiancee has characterized my father as difficult, pushy and overbearing, and that he tries to impose his opinions on others, complains about just about everything, and is tiring to be around. I never really dealt with all this in the past, probably I noticed it but didn't do anything about it, probably because I've gotten used to his behaviour all my life, probably because I never had anyone close to me to "open my eyes" and push me so much to deal with it, but I do see most of what she sees. On the other hand, I can't ignore SOME of what my father claims -- that SHE is exaggerating, being overly nit-picky and trying to find things wrong with him. Everyone accuses me of being influenced easily, and they're not always wrong! It's like I'm stuck between two sides, pulling me in opposite directions! And I love them both and don't want anyone to be disappointed or hurT! After nearly six months of strained relations between my fiancee and my father (they're always polite around each other, but other things are said in private), I'm getting sick of it, sick of my parents feeling that my fiancee is not showing enough "interest" in spending time with them and feeling like part of "our" family, and sick of my fiancee being so "touchy" and jumping on just about everything my father does or says. HE will not accept any constructive criticism, and is so selfish that he refuses to see how she may have some good points (he just feels she is influencing me and bossing me around). So I'm up against a wall there. SHE will not accept any pressure at all to spend time with him (from me or anyone else) and is adamant about "deleting" tiring and annoying people from her life. Is it too much to work towards an "ideal situation" where fiancee and parents get along wonderfully and want to spend time together??? And how can any damage already caused be reversed??? Can time really calm down everyone and maybe - just maybe - make them see each other in a bit more positive way, like when they first met?` Am I just dreaming, or does this happen to a lot of people? Mostly I hear about mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law, but what about fathers?? Help! Link to post Share on other sites
lydiamarie Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 nope, i'm not a man and i'm not engaged. but i have heard plenty of miserable stories about in-laws. so i'll take a stab at this one: don't let your father complain to you (or around you) about your fiancee. at all. ever. you and your fiancee make decisions together and confide in each other. that's how it should be. she can complain about him if she needs to, though, for your sake, she should try to keep it minimal. your father has his own wife to talk to, his own friends. he should not be complaining to you. anything that either of them says about the other should never be repeated. ever. to anyone. the only things that should be really dealt with, i think, are offensive comments or behavior. for example: if you have kids, you might decided that you don't want them around smoking or drinking or swearing or whatever. so you decide not to have those at your home, or not to allow certain behavior around your children even at their grandparents house. these are things that are best brought up by you. never allow comments about your wife making you do things, and never complain about your wife to your parents. how about your mother in this situation. does she get along with your fiancee? i don't know if this advice stands a chance at repairing the damage, but it will probably keep it from getting worse. best of luck and congratulations Link to post Share on other sites
Author ehehef Posted June 18, 2004 Author Share Posted June 18, 2004 Lydiamarie, Thanks for the advice! A bit more from me: My mother gets along with the fiancee quite nicely -- but then agian my mother is an easygoing, relaxed person who doesn't generally stick her nose into other people's business! :-) My father is a natural whiner and complains about anything and everything, and has gotten used to complaining and having his way all his life -- you could say I have never stood up to him and he has indirectly (with best of intentions, I assume) manipulated me to make the "best" decisions in life -- usually what HE thinks is the right thing to do! And now that he sees my fiancee, who he cannot control, and that I'm rebelling against him a bit, he's just not used to it, it's too sudden a change for him, too awkward. But I'll have to be even MORE direct with him and make him understand that my marriage may never happen thanks to his behaviour! You said that "anything that either of them says about the other should never be repeated. ever. to anyone"... so does this mean that I should deal with hearing complaints from both "sides" (my father and my fiancee) and just bottle them up! I could EXPLODE! Amazing how simple it all sounds in your reply, but amazing how difficult it really is in reality. Link to post Share on other sites
lydiamarie Posted June 23, 2004 Share Posted June 23, 2004 i'm saying that you shouldn't listen to complaints about your fiancee from your father. you said yourself that he doesn't like her because she has more of an influence on you than he does, and he's used to manipulating you. you can discuss your fiancee's comments with her, but remember that her feelings are valid, and you can see where she's coming from. i know it's easy to say, and hard to do, but consider the alternative: a failed relationship. i think that would be a lot harder. Link to post Share on other sites
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