My best male friend's girl is insecure about me :(

[Candied-Heart]

I am having big problems with my once thought best friend.

 

We've never had a relationship together, or had any interest, we've known each other for many, many years and been through some really bad times.

 

Well, recently he has started seeing this new girl. This should be a great time for him but it seems to have brought him nothing but tears and pain. This girl was introduced to him about 5 weeks ago. She seemed nice and upon meeting him they had the obligatory conversation about their pasts.

 

She asked about his friendships and he talked about me, saying I was his best friend and that we have a great bond. She responded with something rather flirtatious like "Oh that's so good you are close friends with a woman, it shows you know about us and could prove to be great help for your future girlfriend!" In that same conversation she also said that she had a terrible previous relationship whereby the guy she was seeing had been cheating on her with many other females. Hrmm.

 

A few weeks later, he had started seeing her officially and I got a call from him saying that we cannot be friends anymore. The reasons he gave were that she has insecurities she needs to overcome and the best way he can prove his loyalty [he's cheated in the past] is to remove his one best [female] friend as she says she's uneasy about us talking on the phone, having coffee, or even e-mailing. Not that we do much of any of this as I'm studying, he's working and I have a relationship of my own. She says this stuff two days into having a 'commitment' and I am struggling to see the merit in her argument, other than she's jealous and paranoid due to her past.

 

We've had a fair few conversations about this, both in tears. he's my best friend and I don't want to lose that, nor does he. Yet he feels he has no choice. He says her meeting me will give a face to my name which she won't be able to deal with apparently, so us having a talk is out of the question. I've argued that she will be insecure even if I am removed from the picture it'll just be about another girl, or worse, her suspecting I'm still in contact, I'm just so upset about this.

 

I am unhappy that she is telling him that he must 'remove' me, and he's put in a situation where he doesn't know what to do. He should never have to choose between two totally different sections of his life and I have tried to understand this womans feelings. But my final resolution is that she should not be entering a relationship if she hasn't overcome said insecurities.

 

As a friend I have told him how I feel about her pushing in like this, and how I feel about our friendship but I am careful wih my words and tone as I don't want this to add fuel to her arguments, ie: that I am trying to make her appear bad. I'd love to give her a chance, and thought I had until he told me what had to happen, why can't she give me a chance??.

 

I guess I am just looking for anything. Peoples opinions, experiences either from my viewpoint or hers [believe me I've tried hers and just can't get past that she had the audacity to ask this of him after 2 days 'dating'] even his perspective for the males out there, even the women who have male friends. Yeah, I am really grasping at any lingering hope that our friendship isn't down the drain right now.

 

He is going to call me soon. is there anything I should be saying or doing?

 

A big thankyou to anyone who can help!

xox

[iamtastee]

HI!

 

I've been on both ends of the spectrum-once the jealous GF and having the jealous BF.

 

My ex had a female best friend. I wasn't exactly honky-dory about the situation,but they were friends before me and I didn't want to tell him who he could befriend and what not. I dealt with the situation maturely until he revealed to me that they once upon of time thought about becoming more than friends. They never did,but I told him to limit his contact with her. He did, and though she was not happy about it,she respected our relationship.

 

I myself had a male best friend and my boyfriend at the time could not understand that we were "just friends." I limited my contact with my best friend out of consideration of my SO,but didn't dissolve the friendship entirely. Well,wouldn't ya know, I later found out that my guy "best friend" was playing the friend role to get closer to me. I, on the other hand, had no romantic interest in him whatsoever.

 

All in all,male-female friendships are sticky situations. Remain his friend,but try to respect his relationship-he's caught in a rock in a hard place. Perhaps he can introduce you to his GF to ease her mind. Who knows-you two might even become friends. Good luck!!!

[Pyrannaste]

I suggest to consider this not as the end of your friendship....but the same way you'd consider your best friend leaving to go a foreign tropical country/on a petrol platform/in Antartis for work reasons.

 

He won't be contacting you for a while.... perhaps for ever, even if this possibility is remote. But it is not because he does not want to, it's because he can't ...and he can't because of a chioce he made about something he thinks it could be something important for his life.

 

He does not want to lose the friendship with you, I'm sure he cares for you the same way he always did. He is not really choosing between you and his gf.... because while if he ignored her request he'd lose her, agreeing not to meet you while he's with her he is NOT losing you...or he should not be losing you.

 

Try to understand it is nothing personal and stopping contact with you will be as painful as him as it is to you. It is not you.

 

A few weeks later, he had started seeing her officially and I got a call from him saying that we cannot be friends anymore.

 

It is not really that you cannot be friends anymore. You can still be friends (you should) , only, you won't hear from each other until they break up OR his gf changes her mind. Or he gets tired of her requests.

 

If you really care for him try to understand.

Even if this situation is going to really suck.

 

I was in a similar situation a couple of times.

A male friend of mine, who is currently married, asked me to stop calling him on the phone/sending e-mails to him because his wife is jealous. He asked me not to go to his wedding and not to even send them a card.

I was sorry about it, but I understand the situation.

But after a while he recontacted me.... he would call me when his wife was not around and contact me on the msn when she was not at home.

Don't get me wrong, I have no interest whatsoever in this friend and I think he is not interested in me either.

I guess he just wanted to hear from me.

Problem is, even if I was happy to hear from him.... well, once I realized he was calling me behind his wife's back, and for a couple of weeks he called every other day...even if his intentions were not 'bad', I got pissed off he was lying to his wife, told him so and it was me asking him not to call me anymore unless he told his SO.

 

Another male friend of mine just stopped contacting me and answering my calls.

I was quite worried for a while, then I was told by someone else he just had a jealous gf who asked him to stop talking to other females.

I was sorry about it , expecially the way he dealt with it, with no explanation.

[Love2share]

I've been in the so called "insecure girlfrend's" position up until a month ago. You are right in saying she will still be insecure, if he removes you. But as a friend, it's not your place to decide what's best for his relationship. I'm actually proud of your male friend for stepping up and trying to make his girlfriend feel secure. It may not work. But at least he's trying. It shows that he really cares for her.

 

My ex-BF did the exact same thing when I expressed my discomfort with him and his ex. I'm sure she probably felt the same as you do right now. She was very upset. She cried, kicked, and screamed at him to keep what they shared. All this while claiming to have another man of her own. Both me and my ex-BF thought she was putting forth waaay to much energy for a "friendship."

 

Her anger just gave more merit to the suspicions that I already had about her. I mean, if she really had a man of her own, she should have been more passive about the situation. That was an opportunity for her to give HER MAN the opportunity to be her "best friend." Eventually, in any loving relationship, if there is a person of the opposite sex who held the title as "best friend" in our lives, when we decide to get serious, or married to someone else, that "best friend" of the opposite sex is gauranteed to take a step backwards. In in some cases, usually during courtship, the "best friends" may have to deal with not communicating for a while.

 

If you're really his "best friend" then you should try to understand that this is obviously something he needs in order to decide what he wants. If you try to interfere, things will get worse. Sounds like you've already expressed your resentment about the whole thing. Now you need to confirm that you understand what he's doing. You are there if he ever needs you. Wish him luck with the relationship. And then let go of him, as your best friend and just consider him a friend. Tell him to keep you posted, or send you a wedding invintation.

 

Hopefully by then, the new girlfriend will trust him more, and may slowly respect your friendship with him. The distance between you and your best friend will have allowed you not to be so "needy" upon each other. Therefore, in the future, you will be able to maintain a more civil and respectful friendship with each other in the eyes of your SO's. You should also talk to your SO about the situation. See if he can relate to it. He may be able to help you get through the situation. Which should build a better bond between the two of you.

 

And of course if the situation with the new girlfriend doesn't work out, then you and your best friend will have a lesson to be learned. You can talk to him about his decision and see if it was the best way to handle things.

[Candied-Heart]

Tell him to keep you posted, or send you a wedding invintation.

 

I wish I could. He told me that if we cut ties, it is forever because she doesn't want him to have friends that are female because with that she's afraid he'll cheat. Is this a little too pushy for a girlfriend of 2 days to proclaim? I understand her situation, yet I'm more stumped as to how she had the nerve to ask such a thing.

 

Oh and I think you're implying that I am getting too involved[?]. And that I don't give enough attention to my boyfriend, If he's ok with me wanting to keep my friendship, then it shouldn't be a problem with you, with all respect, that wasn't supposed to sound agressive, merely that he has been encouraging me to keep my friendship as he's said that if I had of asked that of him in our early days 2 years ago, he'd have politely told me that he has friends for a reason. It seems almost unhuman that she doesn't want him having friends, especially after what she said when they met.

 

I have not but in on anything, I've been distancing myself from everything until he decided we could discuss it [being tonight] I guess I am just pretty confused as to what I can and cannot say. I value his friendship too much yet I feel like I'm being pushed away potentially forever. I can't see why we can't have contact while they learn about each other, he says he doesn't either yet he doesn't want her to go away. It's all so confusing. I'm not interested in him *that* way, I am happy with my boy yet I do have strong bonds which I don't want to lose with my friends.

 

He's had many other GFs before and none of them ever had a problem. I guess that's why I am at a loss. :-S

[Fayebelle]

You said you have a relationship of your own? Try a double date- maybe when she sees you happy w/someone else the tension could ease enough for her to get to know you and see that you and your friend are strictly platonic. Perhaps you will all end up friends. It can't hurt.

 

And yes I do think that is EXTREMELY pushy of a GF of 2 days. If she's this controling now -imagine what he'll have coming 2 yrs from now. He should really work out some boundries early or you can get him a VERY SHORT leash for his next birthday.

[Candied-Heart]

I'd love to try a double date. My boyfriend suggested the same I'm more concerned that he will not see it as viable because of her not wanting 'a face to the name'

 

My friends have said he'll be either:

 

- getting out of the relationship when she gets too much and he starts to lose other aspects to his life.

- or being dumped by her because she can't handle her own paranoia.

 

He's a good guy and I doubt he'll cheat on her. It just sucks that she won't give him or me a chance.

[Fayebelle]

Well- just try asking about the date- worse case scenario she says no. I really feel a bit sorry for her- she must have been burned bad to have so much paranoia now. If your friend isn't willing to confront her this early then yes he prob will get fed up pretty quickly. I wouldn't count on her bailing though - she sounds awfully insecure. I doubt she's the type who enjoys being alone. That's why I think if your pal stood up to her she would back down, ESPECIALLY if she could be big enough to spend time w/ you and realize you are not some evil tramp after her man.(if you can really call him that after 2 DAYS)

 

Plus,I wish she could see your last post b/c she could see what a good friend you are. You told US he's not the cheating type and we aren't even involved. It's too bad she can't trust your opinion about him, since(I'm guessing) you have been friends MORE than 2 days and prob know a bit more about him.

[thecake]

are just ball-less wonders, aren’t they?

 

This is just a test of your friendship right now…if you’ve known him for years and years he’ll be back as soon as he loses this control freak of a girlfriend. And, as he gets older he won’t date girls who have a problem with you.

 

When I met my ex-husband one of the first things I told him was that I had three very close male friends. It was cool because he told me his best friend was female….so it was NEVER an issue. He and I remained friends for a few years after our divorce…we’d meet for dinner, talk on the phone occasionally to catch up, talk about who we were dating, etc. It wasn’t a weekly or even monthly thing…but we stayed in touch…no biggie. When he met his current wife she put the brakes on our friendship. She was completely intimidated by me and just couldn’t understand WHY we needed or wanted to remain in touch. We didn’t have kids together….she was just insecure. Some people just don’t get it.

 

My closest male friend of 19 years has had a few girlfriends over the years who don’t understand our friendship either and I love how he ditches them the minute they express their insecurities about me. He figures if they’re insecure over his friend (me) who lives 10 hours away from him then they’ve probably got worse issues than that and he won’t deal with it. His ex-wife and I got along great though.

 

You know the saying “lovers come and go but friends last forever”? I think it’s true. I’m lucky in that all of the men I’ve been involved with have never had a problem with my male friends but I think it’s because they’re secure enough about who they are.

[Fayebelle]

I totally agree- In the very beg of my relationships I let it be known that my friends and fam were here 1st and I'll accept no hasseling about them w/out damn good reasons. As a result- my BF have all been very secure or they wouldn't have survived the 1st date. Jealousy is not an option and I am still friends w/ every BF I've had since high school. Sometimes they get hasseled by new GF but it doesn't last long once they get to know us. That's just a deal breaker w/me- I have never cheated or been cheated on so I feel I have the right to demand trust where my friends are concerned. If you don't respect my personal character enough to trust me- you need not be here.

[thecake]

I’ve remained on friendly terms with 99% of the men I’ve been involved with and I think that says good things about me and the choices I’ve made as far as who I’ve dated. One of my ex’s actually became really good friends with my best friend, which is cool. I think when a person shows loyalty to their friends that should make any romantic interest feel immediately better not insecure.

 

I remember feeling such a sense of disappointment in my ex-husband (even though I understand there was more reason to be insecure over that since we had, after all, been married so obviously we’d been intimate but not after our divorce) that he would let a woman “tell” him he couldn’t stay in touch but then I realized it’s his choice to allow that to happen.

[Fayebelle]

There may be some reasoning considering you were married but does she expect him to just ignore that entire time in his life? Spouses share a lot more than a bed and I think it's wonderful when they can stay friends after a divorce. The fact is if romance was there, you'd still be married. I just don't understand jealousy of past love- it helps make them the person they are now. She should thank you for contributing to the man he has become. (OK that may be a bit much for the average person- but she should)

[thecake]

...everything we are when we meet someone new has everything to do with our past relationships….what we’ve learned, how we’ve grown, etc.

 

And, what about the people who constantly bash their ex’s? I avoid men who do this because it says so much about their character. Although there are always legitimate reasons for break ups, when a person doesn’t have anything nice to say about the people they’ve been involved with it makes me wonder about their judgment….WHY were they involved with these people to begin with if they were so horrible? To be able to remember the reasons why we loved these people is more important than why we broke up, right? I’ll admit that’s what I’ve been trying to do since my break up a few months ago….to be happy that I loved him as much as I did even though I understand (now) why it had to end and to learn as much as possible from it and not be bitter.

[Fayebelle]

Right- like if you were in a relationship with a complete idiot for 1 yr - what does that say about your intelligence? I can't stand people who constantly gripe about exes either. Obviously it didn't work out or you'd be together but to only focus on the negative says something about your character. Take what you can and leave the rest behind. No sense traveling your life with so much resent inside.