why is contact a bad thing?

[silicis n volvo]

Some of you probably know ive just been hit by a break up. Im struggling to cope ive been in NC for a week and ive been on this forum every day reading threads and getting advice u can read what happened on this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/321540-struggling-nc-keeping-hope . Ive read the NC guide. I keep hearing to heal and learn to love myself and under no circumstances should i contact her. But i dont know how to like myself and it doesnt look like im moving on any time soon.

 

But its been a week and she is the only thing i think about. From wakin up to goin to sleep it gives me a headache. So im wondering, why is no contact the right way? I understand i dont want to open healing wounds.

 

But i was thinkin one call to her at the right time would help. If she doesnt want to talk and says dont contact me again then i get some real closure. Good right? If shes happy to talk to me then thats good too.

 

I was thinking a call or text just asking how shes doing. Maybe a conversation will start from there.

 

Why is no contact better than that?

[silicis n volvo]

What if she wants to contact me but thinks ill ignore her or reject her? We broke up twice towards the end of our relationship. I ended it first because i wasnt happy but i missed her and i do love her so i tried to fix things...couple of weeks later (last thursday) she ended it. But wen she did i sent a really long nasty text agreeing and saying i never wanted to see her again and how shes just made me miserable etc etc. Im not happy that that was the last thing i sent her and she could want to talk to me but be thinking i dont want to.

Edited April 12, 2012 by silicis n volvo

[TaraMaiden]

LISTEN VERY VERY CAREFULLY:

 

If she really wants to contact you to reconcile because that would be the most important thing in the world to her - she will find a way.

 

If she wants to contact you for that reason, her tireless efforts will culminate with her saying something very like the following:

 

"I am so sorry for everything that I did which led to our break up. I accept total responsibility for my part in the break-up, and will do whatever I can to rebuild the trust and love we had; will you ever be able to forgive me? I hope so, because I really want to be back with you."

 

If she doesn't manage to contact you - it's because she doesn't want to.

 

If she contacts you, and says anything else other than the above, or similar - it's just breadcrumbs.

 

GOT IT?

[silicis n volvo]

What are breadcrumbs?

 

My ex was unusual in the way that shed never come to u first even if she desperately wanted to.

 

So what if she wants to say that but holds back through fear of rejection?

[TaraMaiden]

What are breadcrumbs?

breadcrumbs is any form of feeble, half-hearted communication that seems to show they care, but actually just rip your heart out again, because in fact they say nothing your mother wouldn't say to you...

 

...."hi how are you, just wanted to know if you were ok, just seeing how things are going with you, just wanted to say hello, just.. blah, blah, blah...."

 

 

My ex was unusual in the way that shed never come to u first even if she desperately wanted to.

Good. That takes care of that then.

 

So what if she wants to say that but holds back through fear of rejection?

Nobody who distances themselves from you or treats you that way has "Fear of rejection".

they don't care about BEING rejected, because they've already rejected you....

If she really wants to get back with you, she will find a way to let you know it.

[TaraMaiden]

It's all in the NC guide.

you say you've read it.

you either didn't really read it very well - or you're refusing to abide by it because you believe your break-up is different.

 

It isn't different.

Break ups like this happen all the time - look at this forum for proof.

it basically all boils down to the same thing.

 

One person breaks up with the other, the other is heartbroken, the other is convinced it's salvageable, dumper doesn't want to know.

dumped person has to recover.

 

Recovering means giving yourself time to accept, heal, move on and rebuild.

it takes a lot longer than a week.

 

A lot longer.

how long - depends entirely on you.

[silicis n volvo]

Ok...sticking to no contact then.

 

Ur advice is golden but its hard to follow because feelings are battling logic.

 

What steps do u take to get over a break up? Or to learn to love urself?

[TaraMaiden]

Small ones.

any job that requires meticulous attention, care, consideration and detail cannot be hurried.

 

you have to accept that each day is one day closer to recovery.

It's not a question of seeing how far you have to go, but congratulating your self on how far you've come.

 

You have to do things for you, not as a distraction from her.

 

Look at what ambitions you've had, what feats you've wanted to accomplish, what new skills you've ever wanted to learn...

 

Consider that this is a perfect opportunity to be independent, answer to nobody and be master of your own time.

You don't have to consider anybody else's input, wonder it it encroaches on anybody else's time, and think about working round anybody else's schedule.

You - are in charge of you.

You did it before you met her - you can do it now.

[silicis n volvo]

Thankyou.

 

This is why i come here. When i read other threads or write my own, peoples advice makes me feel better. Even if just for 10 minutes. Bt i know the more i read the longer ill feel better for over time.

 

One last thing. Im almost certainly going to see her out in some of the clubs and bars on some weekends. I can ig.ore her to a point but what if we cross paths? Do i smile or frown? a Smile tells her im happy without her. A frown is my way of telling her she broke my heart.

 

And even worse what if she talks to me in person?

Edited April 12, 2012 by silicis n volvo

[TaraMaiden]

It's very simple.

again, fake it until you make it....

smile but just simply smile, as if you were just greeting someone you know, because in time, that is all she will be.

Don't go to these places on purpose with a hope of seeing her, that's just a short-cut to a shredded heart....

Say hello to her, only if she approaches, and you have no way out...but keep it as monosyllabic as you can...

don't give anything away....

It's not her right to have confirmation of your feelings now that it's over.

she lost that privilege when she walked away.

you don't owe her anything - just as she's not feeding into anything she owes you.

 

a person on this forum would see his EX approaching him, and he would turn his back on her as she approached.

He made sure she saw and understood this gesture, and after the second time he did it, she never approached him again.

She got the message.

"you decided this was over, so I'm agreeing with your decision. "

 

Any attempt at friendliness on their part - is to make them feel better in themselves... it's to confirm to themselves that if you're friendly, that means it can't have been too traumatic... they do it to self-comfort. it's just to make themselves feel like a big person, because they can still be kind to you, aren't they nice?

no.

[silicis n volvo]

Ok understood!! I think ive taken everything i can take from this thread now so i'll just have to keep going. No contact and take steps to move on and see what happens. Think i still need to keep reading everything on this forum tho. Its full of insight.

 

Thanks for hour help

[Mack05]

I will tell you a bit of my story, hoping something reasonates with you. I am now convinced my ex lied, by saying she is in a new relationship. She is playing games. So if she is lying (and I believe she could be) that makes her so sad. Whether she is in a new relationship or not, what she doesn't understand is, I know her better then she knows herself.

 

She is playing games to prove to me that my assessment of her character and personality was wrong. The more she tries to prove this, the more I know I am right and the more I know I was right to want to leave the relationship. Where I was wrong, was to keep coming back to the relationship and for that I will always be very sorry.

 

She would never in a million years admit this, but she has learnt so much from me. She is now mirroring my views on relationships. Our ex's are so similar. Very logical. My ex will put what she has learnt from me into her next relationship, fooling herself that she is emotionally healthy. Being Logical and smart is one thing. Emotional health doesn't come from being logical and smart. She is just too blind to get it. At the start of my relationship my ex said all the right things, yet I could see right through it. Her actions never matched the intelligence of her words. It's like an petulant 8 year old hearing what is being said, understanding the words that were said, but acting out regardless.

 

When she first met my mother, my mother describes it like she was giving an interview to a girl, so that she might date her son! She then lied through her teeth to me about something my mother said. Our relationship was a game to her. It was constant manipulation of me and my flaws to get what she wanted. When I rebelled against it, her unresolved anger from her past came to play. She would turn it back on me and say I am the liar and manipulator, which would always left me so confused. Always forced the blame onto me, in an attempt to guide me further away from the truth. Like a game of hot and cold.

 

She verbally abused me over and over. Eventually she left the relationship because of my insecurities (or so she geniunely thinks). Despite the fact I promised I would make changes (like you Silcius I chased and chased an emotionally immature girl. It says more about us, then it does about them). I know now she didnt leave because of my insecurities/wanting assurances. What she doesnt realise is she left because I was getting closer to the truth. I was finally starting to communicate properly towards the end.

 

I finally decided that despite all her problems, that I loved her and was willing to work through them with her. She saw this and left. She didn't want me to see the real her. The person behind the facade. Better leave and take what she has learnt to the next relationship, then show any kind of vulnerability or weakness to me. Blame, Deny, Move on. This is the behavioural traits of our ex's. There is a type of guy they will stick longer with. Sadly or luckily for us, depends which way you want to look at it, we are not that type!

Edited April 12, 2012 by Mack05

[Mack05]

"I am so sorry for everything that I did which led to our break up. I accept total responsibility for my part in the break-up, and will do whatever I can to rebuild the trust and love we had; will you ever be able to forgive me? I hope so, because I really want to be back with you."

 

Here are the things I am trying to tell you OP..Read the underlined on Tara's post VERY carefully. I will add to that..Here is a list I read anytime I am close to breaking NC..

 

1) The problem with this pattern is our ex's are never held accountable for their destructive behavior. Without any accountability or boundary and limit setting, a child's bad behavior continues to repeat indefinitely--and so does our ex's, because there can be no tangible change or growth of people, with such low emotional maturity...If you are with someone who is unable to take accountabilty in a relationship, who is unable to admit they have faults/failings, who projects and gaslights onto you, who cleverly manipulates you (and probably lies to you). Who constantly blames you for everything, you are better off single. Therapy is pointless for your ex. A therapist can't help someone who is not being honest with themselves.

 

2) This is key.."You'll explain your perspective in as many different ways as possible, hoping they'll finally comprehend why their behaviors trouble you--and it either falls on deaf ears, or gets distorted by them, to where you start believing you're the one who's at fault. You keep efforting to understand what makes them tick, but you cannot. In reality, their psychosis is something you shouldn't be able to relate to, yet you keep trying. This natural reflex to 'get it right' was implanted in you as a small child, when you experienced difficult and confusing relational dynamics with a parent"..This quote above is why its pointless to break NC. POINTLESS..Their thought process operates on a totally different level to ours..

 

3) For people like our ex's to admit to themselves or others that anything about them is less than perfect would be admitting that they are defective (that will only happen if they become self aware, highly unlikely). Their desperate need to be seen as 'perfect' physically, cerebrally and spiritually is what drives a lot of issues within this personality type. At the very heart of the acting-out is core shame--the leftover if you will, from a childhood fraught with neglect, skewed messages and abuse, which left them doubting their lovability and true worth. Any (acknowledged) error makes our ex's feel they're a "bad person," which is why their defenses are so thick, it's why they are hypersensitive and why they're unable to accept/own their fragility or failings..

 

4) We also need to question your own motives and your expectations for wanting to help. Is this kindness or a type “well intentioned” manipulation on your part - an attempt to change them to better serve the relationship as opposed to addressing the lifelong wounds from which they suffer? More importantly, what does this suggest about our own survival instincts – we’re injured, in ways we may not even fully grasp, and it’s important to attend to our own wounds before we are attempt to help anyone else. You are damaged. Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself – your own emotional survival.If your partner tries to lean on you, it’s a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible..

 

5) “If they're the type of person who avoids responsibility and deflects blame, then yes, they'll resent whoever they left-- because that's the reaction they're limited to. If they lacked the capacity to be accountable before the breakup, it's not likely they'll suddenly develop it afterwards. I'm sure it happens, but it requires a lot of willingness to grow on the dumper's behalf-- and like I said, if they didn't arrive with that capacity at the beginning of the relationship, it takes a pretty dynamic, special person to develop it on the way out... which, sadly, isn't a trait that abounds with most people in general, let alone those who are predisposed to dumping their partners.

 

If the dumper was a kind, compassionate, well-adjusted person to begin with, then no such resentment exists, probably. Sure, there's most likely some regret, and residual guilt or grief, but no bitterness. A secure, loving person would just be sad that it ended, not disdainful towards their former love

 

I am leaving LS (FINALLY) until at least later in the year. I refuse to engage with the game playing of my ex. I will come back to LS, because my reading of these girls is uncanny and I know I can help people going forward. My ex will never realise, that I would have been the best thing that ever happened her. I know something niggles in her, when it comes to me. When it niggles she will write her thoughts down, all the bad things and say to herself he is wrong about everything, he is to blame not me. Move on.

 

With me it's different then the others..I loved her warts and all. I know there is a very special person in there. Despite her games, her lies, her manipulation, her nasty outbursts I understood it was a complex defense mechanism. I understood that there is a scared vulnerable girl underneath, just so desperate for love. Her desire to be 'normal' means she just wants to skip through all the bad bits. She wants to hide her weakness's and vulnerabilities and bury them very very deep that no one can get to.

 

I kept leaving cause I understand what it means to form a healthy bond. I hope my ex gets here eyes opened one day and even if she doesn't that this guy (if he exists) makes her happy the way I couldn't. I wanted to make her happy, believe me, but I need to be a part of a relationship that I get the same out that I put in. From seeing my parents, my sister and friends, I realise those are the best one's...Two happy emotionally healthy mature people, coming together at the right time in their lives to form a something special. That is what we need to strive for.

 

What I accept now Silicus is despite me love for her, I can't do anything and I never will. I am powerless and so are you and nothing will change breaking NC. My ex will NEVER come back and say what Tara alluded to above. I just read the above points anyday I feel weak. It helps my brain overpower my heart. That's why its easier to keep NC. Before I used to advise about just focusing on yourself post breakup. While I believe that to be true, I do feel having an understanding of an ex's behaviour and the reasons behind them really help us learn. It helps us gain acceptance and it helps us recognise an emotionally healthy woman in the future. Isn't that what we all deserve?

 

You just need to accept sometimes despite our good intentions, some people are 'broke' and we can't fix them..Only they can fix themselves and I realised over the past few days, my ex will never change. There is a high probability neither will yours..

Edited April 12, 2012 by Mack05

[silicis n volvo]

Thanks mac. Better off single is probably right. At least for now. My ex, like urs will not come to me and say what tara explained above. But u r both right. Why contact someone who doesnt put in the same amount i do. who cant accept their flaws and blames me for everything. Ane if i go back after how thibgs were with us and how she ended it its effectively rewarding bad behaviour and letting her know she can do and say anything and ill always go back to her.

 

Not going to happen!!

 

Fingers crossed lol

[Mack05]

Buddy here is more from a no contact guide..From a book getting past your breakup..

 

There is a great section in the book called The Rules of disengagement, which is basically a chapter written about 'No Contact'. The first thing you must do to be successful at NC is affirmatively decide you are not going to contact your ex NO MATTER WHAT. You must make a contract with yourself to stop doing it, which means you must sit with the uncomfortable emotions until they pass. You must decide that you will not call, instant message or email your ex. You will not check his or her Facebook or Myspace page. This contract with yourself means that you will not put yourself in places where you could have an "accidental meeting" with your ex. You will decide that even if you think you have every reason in the world to connect, you will think it through and talk it through with your family and friends. Therefore not acting on it immediately.

 

There are normally 7 reasons that keep us stuck in a rut, that makes us want to break NC. These reasons are listed below..Two and three and my favs...

 

1) Why can't we be friends. After a breakup the work each person has to do is lose the couple identity. Each person needs to establish again his or hers identity and no longer see themselves as part of the couple they once were. Therefore being friends in the aftermath of a breakup is a complete NO NO! The atmosphere is too emtionally charged. You both need time to get yourselves together. If you leave each other alone initially you may come back later as saner, more grounded people with a better chance of being friends. But right now you need to concentrate on yourself and your healing..

 

2) I Must have Closure. You may have many questions, but you need to accept that some will never get answered. Even if you have questions that seem to drive you crazy, you must decide that the answers don't matter, probably won't make sense, probably aren't going to satisfy you and are not going to give you any sense of closure. It is your responsibility to accept that you may have to close this chapter without answers, explanations, and without input from someone else. It is not only possible for you to survive without the answers but it's necessary. Staying in the questions, repeating them and ruminating over the possible answers will only keep you stuck. Despite your fervent belief that somehow one final scene with your ex will lead to closure, it will not. You don't need to know what your ex thinks or why your ex did this or that, to move on. If you want closure, you need to do the grief work, intergrate the experience into your life and turn the page. That is how closure happens...FROM WITHIN..

 

3) I just need to make sense of it all" and I just have one more thing to say to you before I let go"...You may think that if you can just talk sense into your ex, then everything will be fine. You may have heard illogical or unreasonable explanations that left you stunned and speechless at the time, but now they go round and round in your head and you can think of a thousand rebuttals to them all. As you ruminate on the things your ex said, you come up with reasons your ex is wrong, and then you start to imagine how having a change to talk things out will resolve all the misunderstandings. It becomes your impassioned belief that you can have a conversation and turn the wrongheadedness around. If your ex dumped you and you think it was the wrong thing to do, he or she needs to figure that out. You can't be the one to "fix" your ex's thinking. The bottom line is that if your ex see's things in a cockeyed way now, he or she is going to continue to see things the same way whenever you are not around to correct this twisted prespective. It takes hard work and constant vigilance to keep someone "thinking correctly", and you don't want that kind of responsibility or control. The fact is you need to accept that you have been with someone whose approach to life is simply incompatible to yours. Perhaps it was evident that you thought in different ways, saw the world differently, and operated on irreconcilable differences but you chose to ignore it or worked hard to correct it. You can't ignore dissimilar viewpoints any longer. Accept the fact that you think differently and let it go so you can find someone whose way of thinking is compatible with yours.

 

4) I want to be available for reconciliation. Sometimes people don't acknowledge that they are staying in touch to keep hope of reconciliation alive. Examining your quest for contact and being honest about your real intentions will help you stop making excuses to make contact. Even if it is your fervent hope that you will reconcile, taking a break and going NC will help you regardless of what happens down the line. You both have been through a trying time, and you must face that a break will do each of you the world of good. Now is the time to reassess where you've been and where you are going, even if you are going there together. You will need to take stock of yourself and the relationship so that you can figure out what went wrong and what needs to go right in future. Until communicate ends (and it should end for at least 60 days and until your ex reaches out (you should never be the one that reaches out) it is impossible to do that. Even if you do reconcile, the relationship you knew has ended, so you must grieve for the relationship has passed and move on from what once was. Because if you do reconcile (and the odds are long against) it has to be different than it was before or it will just fail. Again.

 

5) I just need to give this stuff back...People become very creative in finding ways to stay in contact with their exe's. One of the most innocent ploys you hear about is when one person insists on retrieving something - a piece of clothing, a household item that belongs to him or her. Think about how important the item really is. If you need to return it, put it in a box and mail it. No note, no nothing. If you are the one who wants it, think about it. Is it worth more than your sanity?Probably not. Making a clean break is important, so clear up loose ends immediately. Avoid keeping anything or leaving anything that can be asked for later on. If you still have things return them. If there are things you have left behind ask for them once more (if its important to you) otherwise forget it and move on.

 

6) Im just so Horny! Continuing a physical relationship after giving up the committed relationship and its inherent respondsibilities is a prescription for trouble. Do not buy into "friends with benefits" scenarios. Benefits must have corresponding respondsibilites and if they don't you are using each other. So stop it and grow up. There is no such thing as "friends with benefits". There is only friends who have no idea what they're doing to the detriment of themselves and each other. Don't do it with your ex or anyone else for that matter. Conduct your life with dignity, and don't give away anything unless the person you're giving it to takes some responsibility toward you, especially if he or she is an ex lover. If it's dead bury it. Don't sleep with it.

 

7) We run in the same circles. There are many situations where full NC is impossible. In this case, NC means that you don't speak unless it's necessary and you don't use bumping into each other as an excuse to call, email or text later on. Work/College breakups are very difficult. It is hard to be prefessional when everyone knows your business. You might need to draw some lines with your ex and agree on saying nothing at work/college about the breakup. The last thing you need at the office/class everyday is all your colleagues gossiping about you. Try to talk to your ex about the ground rules for discussing the relationship at work before the rumour mill gets going. Agree to keep it very business like, and only share your personal pain with close friends who do not work/study with your ex. Keep the boundaries very clear. Focus on you not him/her, keep your side of the street clean even if your ex doesn't.

[SilverBlueAndGold]

Here are the things I am trying to tell you OP..Read the underlined on Tara's post VERY carefully. I will add to that..Here is a list I read anytime I am close to breaking NC..

 

 

Mack, this is fantastic. I can't being to tell you how timely this is for me, thank you!

[TaraMaiden]

Oh that's ok don't mention it... really, it's nothing....

[SilverBlueAndGold]

Oh that's ok don't mention it... really, it's nothing....

 

Sorry, did I quote the wrong person?!

[TaraMaiden]

no, I'm pulling your leg...like, " i did all the preliminary work, and he gets all the credit" - but honestly, i really am joking, it was just a funny... like Debbie Reynolds hugging Gene Kelly, when Donald O'Connor had the bright idea...?

 

"Singing in the Rain"....?

 

never mind....

[ThatDudeXO]

Contact is bad where you have an unrequited love for another person.

 

This means you love them and they don't love you back or you love them but they aren't willing to satisfy your love. (simple explanation

 

That being said unrequited love is like a drug addiction. It feels good when you use it (contact) but it's causes you so much pain and harm afterwards.

 

The best way to get off a drug addiction is to go cold turkey and live without it until you need it any more. The same thing applies with love. It hurts you in the short term but it will benefit you in the long term when you get over them.

[SilverBlueAndGold]

no, I'm pulling your leg...like, " i did all the preliminary work, and he gets all the credit" - but honestly, i really am joking, it was just a funny... like Debbie Reynolds hugging Gene Kelly, when Donald O'Connor had the bright idea...?

 

"Singing in the Rain"....?

 

never mind....

 

 

Ack, you are right I didn't realize that it was your post being quoted...well then, thank you!!! Seriously, that was very well written and means a lot to me at this point in my life.

[SilverBlueAndGold]

Contact is bad where you have an unrequited love for another person.

 

 

Big time.

 

Or when you feel like you just want to let them know you care or miss them or whatever, it almost always leads to something that you don't expect. Even though I miss my ex I refrain from any contact at all because if I did take that step, there are really only these possible outcomes:

 

- I get ignored in which case I set myself up for ADD checking for a reply that will never come. Unnecessary stress.

 

- I get a hostile response that hurts and I am back at square one.

 

- I get "bread crumbs" and have to decide if I want to open up the dialog again. And I know better, it's a familiar road that always leads to a dead end.

 

So the only obvious solution is....no contact. At all.

 

It is not easy, and sometimes it hurts and sometimes it feels like I am going out of my mind but I know it's the only way.

[TaraMaiden]

No, don't... seriously, there are so many people on here who give sound, logical advice - put it all together and we could - or even should - write a book.

In fact, 'the 7 reasons as to why we shouldn't break No Contact' Mack05 gives, are brilliant....

[Mack05]

I love Tara and Tara would love me if I condensed my posts. I promise T when I come back to LS as Mr Emotionally Mature 2012, I will condense my posts to 3 paragraphs or less hahahaa..

[loveydove]

I think it is really important to stay no contact for at least 3 or 4 weeks to gain some distance, perspective, and begin the healing process. I think of it as a numbing agent. It stings SOO much right now, but after 4 or so weeks of NC, it cannot possibly hurt as much as it did the first week. Of course it will still hurt : ( that takes a long time, but it makes it possible for your emotions to settle and for you to begin to feel ok on your own.

 

That being said, I do not know what your situation is like, and if you believe it is salvageable. But if you do not think things are truly beyond repair, and months from now you are in a far more positive place - a place where you could be ok if it happened or if it didn't - and she has contacted you first, I personally don't think it is out of the question to be LC