Best friend's girl is insecure about me :(

[Candied-Heart]

I am having big problems with my once thought best friend. I am sorry, I cross posted to get a greater possible response.

 

We've never had a relationship together, or had any interest, we've known each other for many, many years and been through some really bad times.

 

Well, recently he has started seeing this new girl. This should be a great time for him but it seems to have brought him nothing but tears and pain. This girl was introduced to him about 5 weeks ago. She seemed nice and upon meeting him they had the obligatory conversation about their pasts.

 

She asked about his friendships and he talked about me, saying I was his best friend and that we have a great bond. She responded with something rather flirtatious like "Oh that's so good you are close friends with a woman, it shows you know about us and could prove to be great help for your future girlfriend!" In that same conversation she also said that she had a terrible previous relationship whereby the guy she was seeing had been cheating on her with many other females. Hrmm.

 

A few weeks later, he had started seeing her officially and I got a call from him saying that we cannot be friends anymore. The reasons he gave were that she has insecurities she needs to overcome and the best way he can prove his loyalty [he's cheated in the past] is to remove his one best [female] friend as she says she's uneasy about us talking on the phone, having coffee, or even e-mailing. Not that we do much of any of this as I'm studying, he's working and I have a relationship of my own. She says this stuff two days into having a 'commitment' and I am struggling to see the merit in her argument, other than she's jealous and paranoid due to her past.

 

We've had a fair few conversations about this, both in tears. he's my best friend and I don't want to lose that, nor does he. Yet he feels he has no choice. He says her meeting me will give a face to my name which she won't be able to deal with apparently, so us having a talk is out of the question. I've argued that she will be insecure even if I am removed from the picture it'll just be about another girl, or worse, her suspecting I'm still in contact, I'm just so upset about this.

 

I am unhappy that she is telling him that he must 'remove' me, and he's put in a situation where he doesn't know what to do. He should never have to choose between two totally different sections of his life and I have tried to understand this womans feelings. But my final resolution is that she should not be entering a relationship if she hasn't overcome said insecurities.

 

As a friend I have told him how I feel about her pushing in like this, and how I feel about our friendship but I am careful wih my words and tone as I don't want this to add fuel to her arguments, ie: that I am trying to make her appear bad. I'd love to give her a chance, and thought I had until he told me what had to happen, why can't she give me a chance??.

 

I guess I am just looking for anything. Peoples opinions, experiences either from my viewpoint or hers [believe me I've tried hers and just can't get past that she had the audacity to ask this of him after 2 days 'dating'] even his perspective for the males out there, even the women who have male friends. Yeah, I am really grasping at any lingering hope that our friendship isn't down the drain right now.

 

He is going to call me soon. is there anything I should be saying or doing?

 

A big thankyou to anyone who can help!

xox

[Debster]

I used to have a guy who was my best friend. We used to be girlfriend/boyfriend and we went out for a number of years. I ended up losing a lot of friends as I spent all of my time with him. I learned that never make your friends feel secondr-ate. Anyways, we were able to become friends years afterwards and he was like my 'brother'. He was my link to my highschool days. Whenever he had a girlfriend that had issues with us being close, he would tell me and I would back away to give him the opportunity to develop the relationship. Likewise, when I had boyfriends who were uncomfortable with my relationship with my ex, he would back away until the time that they were confident and secure in our relationship and then they would be ok with it.

 

Our friendship, although no way as close as it once was, has endured. Even with him living in another country and married and me engaged. Granted our contact is infrequent, but I know that if I need him, he would be there and vice versa. Both our partners love and trust us and are not concerned about our friendship. I think a large part of it is that my best friend is my fiance and his best friend is his wife. If I had to choose between my fiance and him, my fiance wins hands down. That's just the way things go.

 

You are interfering in his ability to form a relationship with another woman. IMO, that is not being a friend. A true friend, would be ok with knowing that relationships change and adapt to the environment and potential partners.

[Candied-Heart]

A true friend, would be ok with knowing that relationships change and adapt to the environment and potential partners.

 

I do know the above It's more that she's been saying that if they're 'committed' she should be the only one he "cares about". Aren't friendships just that because of the bond and caring nature you share with each other? Otherwise, what's the point?

 

It's more because she's afraid of his infidelities in the past adding to her misfortunes. I guess I'm more on the border of ranting now yet I just don't seem to 'get' how women like these can be confident in these requests, especially at such an early stage. Two. Days. 'Together'. I know.. that's merely based on our own perceptions.

 

I'm just wondering what I should be saying to him tonight. Yuckie. Not looking forward to it

[MarieW]

I wanted to reply to this post Candied-Heart because I can see both perspectives. When I first met my boyfriend, he introduced me to his best friend - a female. I got on with her for politeness sake but found her very domineering and bossy and didn't particularly like her. Being insecure, I too felt uncomfortable about my bf having a best friend who was female. I didn't try to do what your friends girl is doing and force my bf to stop seeing his friend but I wasn't happy about it.

As our relationship progressed and I grew to trust him I soon realised that this girl was like a sister to him, he didn't even look at her like a woman, she was just his friend and they had grown up together. I still don't like her very much and neither of us see much of her as we all move in different circles but the point it that I don't mind him seeing her now.

Your friend's new girlfriend is a much worse version of how I was. It's not fair of her to try and stop him seeing you and she is obviously extremely troubled and insecure if she can't even MEET you. I would say that even if she did meet you( at this stage, future may be different) and you assured her there was nothing remotely romantic between you and your friend she would probably still have a problem. And if you are removed from the picture, as she wants then she will find another vehicle for her insecurities.

Your friend is caught between a rock and a hard place. He shouldn't give up his best friend because his new girlfriend objects, yes she is important to him but friends will always be there and he has to realise that and find a compromise with her.

What do you say to him on the phone when he rings? Well, I would tell him that whilst you don't agree with him dumping you you will take a back seat, do as he wishes and let his relationship grow because you care about him. If he's a good friend he will keep working on his gf until she realises how ridiculous she is being. I'm tempted to say he should dump this girl because she has no right to tell him who he can or cannot be friends with but there must be somethig good about her else he wouldn't be with her and in such a dilemma.

then I would leave it a few weeks and perhaps call him privately, see if you can all meet up, his gf may be feeling more secure by this point. Or perhaps you could arrange to accidentally on purpose bump into him one day when he is out with her, the natural progression then is to all go for a drink and you can try and subtly let her know she has nothing to worry about but that you would like your friend back.

It's a difficult one. I hope I've helped a bit. Best of luck.

[Debster]

What do you say to him on the phone when he rings? Well, I would tell him that whilst you don't agree with him dumping you you will take a back seat, do as he wishes and let his relationship grow because you care about him. If he's a good friend he will keep working on his gf until she realises how ridiculous she is being.

 

I agree.

 

It is far better for him to realize what she is like himself, rather than have you point it out to him. Otherwise, he might resent and blame you for the breakup.

[FreeMe]

Originally posted by MarieW

What do you say to him on the phone when he rings? Well, I would tell him that whilst you don't agree with him dumping you you will take a back seat, do as he wishes and let his relationship grow because you care about him. If he's a good friend he will keep working on his gf until she realises how ridiculous she is being.

 

 

Originally posted by Debster

 

 

I agree.

 

It is far better for him to realize what she is like himself, rather than have you point it out to him. Otherwise, he might resent and blame you for the breakup.

 

I agree with both of these posters.

 

My boyfriend asked me not to see a guy who was a close friend also, BUT the close friend was in love with me and would have married me if I had wanted to. Unfortunately, I didn't have any romantic feelings for the close friend, even though we made a perfect couple. Despite that, my boyfriend was not comfortable with me seeing him and still isn't even though we've been together almost a year-and-a-half.

[inhighwater]

Names are changed for privacy:

 

I've been in a situation like this but I was the one in my situation that was the gf. I though kept a open-mind and aloud my bf to still continue his friendship with his female friend. I even started chatting with Harry (my bf which is now my husband) female friend, Sarah, after Harry introduced the two of us. I have been in relationships in the past where the guys cheated and I admit that in more than one of my relationships I cheated. Well, one day Harry and I broke up cause he was all confused about his life and where he should go with it, he had a lot of trauma going on at the time. Sarah found out Harry and I broke up (I can't remember how she found out.). But Harry and I had already had plans to go out with another couple, Larry and Cindy, that were him and I's good friends and we didn't want to disappoint them so we agreed that we would still go out on a double date with them. And this double date was approximately one week after Harry and I broke up. I told Sarah that Harry and I were going to go out on a double date so that we would not disappoint our friends, Larry and Cindy. Sarah was like, "You know you two should not be going back out this soon." Then later on another time after Harry and I got back together. Sarah and I was talking and she said, "You know what you and Harry talk totally different about you two's relationship. And perhaps you should get on the same page. I just want you to think about that." Well, then after Sarah found out Harry and I were engaged, Sarah just went off on Harry when he told her. And as far as I know Harry has not heard from her since. I did admit to Harry that I was a bit jealous of Sarah but I was not going to make him stop his friendship because I knew that the jealousy was just because of what had happened in the past in other relationships and that I fully trusted him. (I feel like I have this jealousy thing cause I don't trust the other person. Like in this situation the other person would be Sarah. And sometimes my brain likes to wonder into the past and I forget that it is Harry I am dealing with now and not one of my ex's whom did cheat on me.) Harry was all confused about the way Sarah reacted to our upcoming marriage and the only thing that we have been able to come up with so far to why she acted that way was maybe because she got her hopes up that her and Harry would one day be more than friends. One day Sarah went from a sweet heart of a friend to acting jealous.

 

So I understand to a certain extent why you are upset and I do not agree with the fact of her telling him to totally stop talking to you cause she does have to learn to get over her past if she really trusts your friend. Now, one thing I have to say is that my husband and I did discuss that we were not aloud to spend more time with our friends (whether they are the opposite sex or not) then each other. But on the other hand I understand why she is insecure and maybe jealous.

[miss fortune]

I am on the other side of the fence as you, so its interesting to see your post and how you feel. She is scared of competition and you are scared of losing your best friend I never thought of it this way.

 

My b/f works with his close female friend, and I get jealous that they spend more time together than I get with him (I get about 1/3 of what she does) and i worry that she is getting some of the emotional part of him that I am not. But I also realize that not one person can be anyone's everything, and that having multiple people in your life is important and adds dimension.

 

Anyway, on with the point -- he is only going to resent her later for doing this - for giving him a her-or-me type of ultimatum. I am sorry he is choosing her right now, but if she makes him happy he will continue to do that until enough is enough.

 

I am not making any sense, I thought I could share some insight but I am too confused myself to even go there.

 

Good luck

[scarlyjones]

I think I know what misfortune meant. And I agree. Let me just say this,.....I think its horrible to step into someones life, ....while they have 5,10,....15 or 20 year friendship going with someone special enough to them,..that they call them their "best" friend,....and think you are sooo important that "Ok,...now that IM here,...you can never talk to that person again" I mean,..the arrogance!! What do we have if not friends?? Friends are sacred. We can date 8 people and only come away with maybe 2 long term relationships out of that 8. Those odds are poor. So you are supposed to dump certain friends on a gamble???? Plus,...what kind of bossy b*tch are you getting anyway??? Insecure about other females?? Too bad. Grow up. High school is over. You think blocking all female friends equals security and selfconfidence??? Try again.

[EnigmaXOXO]

You are interfering in his ability to form a relationship with another woman. IMO, that is not being a friend. A true friend, would be ok with knowing that relationships change and adapt to the environment and potential partners.

 

I have to agree.

 

A few weeks later, he had started seeing her officially and I got a call from him saying that we cannot be friends anymore. The reasons he gave were that she has insecurities she needs to overcome and the best way he can prove his loyalty [he's cheated in the past] is to remove his one best [female] friend as she says she's uneasy about us talking on the phone, having coffee, or even e-mailing.

 

A true friend would respect his decision even if you might not agree with it.

 

Not that we do much of any of this as I'm studying, he's working and I have a relationship of my own. She says this stuff two days into having a 'commitment' and I am struggling to see the merit in her argument, other than she's jealous and paranoid due to her past.

 

Then what are you so worried about losing by backing off a bit? If you have a relationship of your own, then certainly you would want the same for your friend.

 

Indeed, the girlfriend is feeling insecure with your friendship. There is no need for guesswork or speculation. You even know where it stems from. But rather than get defensive, and squabble over your friend, it would show you in a better light if were to help dispel her worries by giving this couple the time they need to adjust to one another. To behave otherwise will only lend credence to her speculations that you present some hidden threat.

 

What do you say to him on the phone when he rings? Well, I would tell him that whilst you don't agree with him dumping you will take a back seat, do as he wishes and let his relationship grow because you care about him. If he's a good friend he will keep working on his gf until she realises how ridiculous she is being.

 

I agree. And you can tell him just how ridiculous the whole thing was if/when you go through all of this for your friend and they break up anyway. A true friend would still be there at the end to lend a shoulder and give 'em the good ol' "I told you so!"

[scarlyjones]

Originally posted by EnigmaXOXO

I have to agree.

 

 

 

A true friend would respect his decision even if you might not agree with it.

 

 

 

Then what are you so worried about losing by backing off a bit? If you have a relationship of your own, then certainly you would want the same for your friend.

 

Indeed, the girlfriend is feeling insecure with your friendship. There is no need for guesswork or speculation. You even know where it stems from. But rather than get defensive, and squabble over your friend, it would show you in a better light if were to help dispel her worries by giving this couple the time they need to adjust to one another. To behave otherwise will only lend credence to her speculations that you present some hidden threat.

 

 

 

I agree. And you can tell him just how ridiculous the whole thing was if/when you go through all of this for your friend and they break up anyway. A true friend would still be there at the end to lend a shoulder and give 'em the good ol' "I told you so!"

 

 

 

That is the biggest load of crap Ive heard in a while...............You are supposed to be OK with being dumbed as a friend everytime some chick or guy come along??? What kind of "friend" is that? NO,....a "TRUE" friend wouldnt dump you the minute some insecure jezabelle comes along.

[moimeme]

he's my best friend and I don't want to lose that, nor does he.

 

A person's partner should be his or her best friend. And if you're any kind of friend to this guy, you have to understand and accept this. Just imagine if your partner said that you're not his best friend but some other woman is. That's just not good for either relationship.

 

It's a sad fact of life that if you for whatever reason can't or won't marry the person (of appropriate gender) that you consider your 'best friend', then you don't get to keep that 'best friend' once one of you is in a relationship. You can be friends, but you have to be so at a distance rather than as 'best' friends.

[EnigmaXOXO]

That is the biggest load of crap Ive heard in a while...............You are supposed to be OK with being dumbed as a friend everytime some chick or guy come along??? What kind of "friend" is that? NO,....a "TRUE" friend wouldnt dump you the minute some insecure jezabelle comes along.

 

 

I agree. So what better opportunity then now to learn the difference?

 

Genuine friendships endure the test of time.

 

Friendships of convenience fizzle out when they are no longer convenient and outlive their usefulness.

 

As difficult as it may be to accept, romantic love will always take precedence over platonic love. That's life. You simply grow up, learn to accept it, and move on.

[lindya]

This is a tricky one, Candied Heart. I very much agree with other posters who say that when an opposite sex friend gets into a relationship it's a good idea to give them a bit of space to get on with it. It's natural for new partners to wonder a little about whether feelings are 100% platonic on both sides.

 

I'd be interested to know exactly what your friend told his new girlfriend about you. Could he have inadvertently said something that triggered off some of her insecurities? Let's imagine she's already experienced the situation of a boyfriend cheating on her with a female friend. That's bound to make her nervous about you. On the other hand, we all bring a certain amount of baggage to relationships - and it's important not to assume that it entitles us to dictate unfairly stringent boundaries with the new partner.

 

If you express very critical views re. the new girlfriend's insecure feelings about you, it's almost a given that he'll tell her - and she will then feel that her suspicions about you are confirmed. Perhaps you need to be very honest with yourself about whether, at this point, you would be quite happy if his relationship did end. If that is how you feel, then there's a real risk that you'll subconsciously begin saying or doing things that could be fairly perceived as amounting to relationship sabotage.

 

Of course you're feeling pretty troubled and upset about this. All the more likely that you could say something regrettable to your friend. Perhaps you could say something along these lines: "It's natural for her to feel a bit dubious about our friendship. I appreciate that you guys are still getting to know eachother, and I'm going to back off from the friendship for a while until you're a bit more established. Once she feels a bit more settled and secure with you, I hope I can meet up with you both."

 

Give in to any temptation to get critical about her, and you will be in danger of falling into the very role (ie of troublesome/possessive female friend) that she's probably afraid you're already playing.

 

It might feel pretty tough on you as you're being excluded right now - but romantic relationships are important to people, can be very fragile in the beginning - and do take a fair bit of work. Your friend probably feels that it's important to let his girlfriend see that she's top on his list of priorities. Hopefully once the relationship is a bit stronger, some of his her fears will be allayed and she'll be ready to meet you.

[SexKitten]

i wouldn't date anyone who controls who i am friends with.

 

i also wouldn't think that someone who is so quick to be controlled by a new girlfriend is a very good friend to you anyway.

[Treasa]

Since this post was first created a year ago, it's probably a moot point. It drives me nuts when people post in a "dead" post, because I don't always check the dates, but it's an interesting subject to debate anyway.

 

I don't think your partner has to be your best friend. My boyfriend isn't my best friend, but he's right up there. I have two best friends. One is a male for whom I have no romantic or sexual feelings at all, and one is female and married. My boyfriend is my boyfriend, not the center of my world. He's not the first person I told about my monster cyst, for example. My mom and grandma were the first.

 

I think outside friendships are healthy and normal, as long as they don't interfere, and vice versa. When I met my friend/coworker's girlfriend for the first time, I was pleasant and made sure to tell her all about how my friend/coworker gushed over her, even though that was embellishing a bit. I did that because I know my friend/coworker talked about me a lot, because I'm like a big sister to him. I wanted his girlfriend to know that I wasn't competition and she had nothing to worry about. She ended up really liking me because of that.

[lindya]

Originally posted by Treasa

Since this post was first created a year ago, it's probably a moot point.

 

Well spotted, Treasa - I totally missed that. What a waste of time it was responding to that one

[SexKitten]

Originally posted by Treasa

 

Well spotted, Treasa - I totally missed that. What a waste of time it was responding to that one

 

crap, me too.

[Treasa]

Eh, don't sweat it. You can use the excuse that it was posted last June, and it's currently June, and you still sometimes think it's 2004. I know I do.

[Cecelius]

The hook that no one looked at in the OP was that the b/f in that situation had cheated on past g/fs. So the new girl likes him, but knows he's not got the best track record, then finds out his best friend is a girl...

 

She was over the top in her demand, but I see where she was coming from

[Candied-Heart]

Hehe. No guys. it wasn't a waste of time! I'm happy to see there was more advice given.

 

It's great when you have space from the situation. I've not contacted the 'friend' since he chose to pursue the GF and I assume they are still together [?]

 

At least I know what *I'd* do if I had a BF tell me to remove a friend from my life.