Adult Child of Dysfunctional Parents and ANGRY as hell

[kirkyswife]

Well here is the mother of all dramas - I suffer from depression and mood disorders and hate my parents. I'm 31 and have, until recently been able to keep my parents out of my life, however due to unforeseen circumstances I relocated back to my home town and have attempted to establish and adult child/parent relationship with these people only to discover how impossible this is when #1. They are severely dysfunctional and #2. I'm mad as hell and battling depression?

 

I'm angry at my dad for being an abusive tyrant who placed unrealistic goals and expectations on me (his oldest) without inquiring about my own personal wants/desires/goals; developing & supporting my natural talents; and/or leading by example. I'm angry at my mother for being such a weak minded, drama queen so desperate for my love and attention that she would subject her children to unstable home environments while switching sides when appropriate (even forsaking me from unjust punishment) to satisfy the unstable unsavy individual who used unimpressive, uncomplicated manipulation and scare tactics to control her mind. I was abused verbally (my father often used Donkey, Mule, Bitch, Whore when he was angry with me); emotionally (I witnessed my father beating on my mother and then as they ran about the house he would make my sister and I chose who we wanted to be with and when we chose our mom he would make us pay for not choosing him); and physically (I've been hit with extension cords, leather shoe horns, tree stems and 2'x4's known as "the Board Of Education, he also socked me in my chest or slapped across my face, eyes or ears, choked or socked in the stomach).

 

Despite their disgusting parenting skills, I have managed to become absolutely nothing amazing but full of potential. I left my parents' home when I was 17 and have tried my best to not go back or need them for anything - I can go on and on but the idea is to channel this negative energy somewhere - as it stands now we have July 4th and other holidays and birthdays coming up and I just can't seem to bring myself to participate in events that involve not just my parents but my father's parents as well (they are religious fundamental dysfunctionalists - meaning they hide their dysfunctionalism behind their bibles). I am getting medical support for the depression but it doesn't help returning to your home town - your friends have moved on and away and you don't know anyone so there aren't many alternatives to holidays aside from being alone. How can I cope with this anger and participate in holiday functions? I've already cursed my father out - it felt rather good and my mother got a little straightening out as well the same week, I don't know how to establish an adult child/relationship with dysfunctional parents and I need coping skills/advice. Any takers??

[StartingAgain]

I hear in your post the same anger I used to have. I, too came from a dysfunctional and very toxic family. You are being treated medically for depression, but don't say if you are in therapy. If you aren't, you need to get there as son as possible. You are going to need professional help to learn to let your anger go and replace it with healthy thinking, if you are to fully recover from your bad childhood. Believe me I know. If you don't it will ruin your life.

 

And you told you that you *have* to have an adult relationship with your parents? I tried this for years before I finally came to understand that not only was trying to have a healthy relationship with my parents a futile effort, it was also toxic. They haven't changed. They are just as screwed in the head now as they were when I was nine. I have forgiven them for being such lousey, self-absorbed parents, but I will not subject myself to their behavior now. Accept that it may not be possible for you to have a relationship with them. And stop it with the conflicts with your parents. You are still allowing them to control you. Only you can stop that. Confront your own demons and leave theirs to them.

[kirkyswife]

StartingOver what can I say - I appreciate your honesty and "Real Talk" I am in talk therapy - I'm certainly not ready for a group environment yet. You are right no said that I had to have an adult relationship with my parents I still find the quite toxic and more dysfunctional than ever. I really appreciate your candor!

[MrGlider]

Your posts echo'ed my upbringing. I was the oldest, went through major physical and mental abuse. I was over 35 years old before I could let it go. You know how I did? I considered that all of us have a child inside that needs love and nurturing. When that child isn't loved and nurtured properly, it never grows up healthy. My parents are the result of THEIR upbringing and I was resolved to stop the cycle. I did stop the cycle and my brothers managed to not only change our parents; but get them to improve a bit as well.

 

Forgiving people for being people and a product of their environment is hard to do, but once you understand that, you also understand that "fear" is a major driving force in relationships. It isn't supposed to be that way, but it is.

 

I NEVER moved back with my parents while my youngest brother never moved out! I left at 19 years old and never looked back. (over 50 now)

 

Sigh, people are people. They function with lies and hiding the truth and denials. You can't change anyone, so don't even try. Just change yourself to satisfy you and YOU be the judge of you and nobody else except the LORD. Don't expect others to agree or disagree with you and in fact, don't ask to many people for their opinions. You should KNOW most answers inside yourself.

 

Good luck... to all of us.

[msrealdoll]

Kirkyswife, I know what you're going through. Our backgrounds are very similar.

 

I tried for 10 years to have a relationship with my parents. It just didn't work, though. I find I do much better with limited contact with them. Even though I've been in therapy and tried to work it out for over 2 years, I just can't.

 

My sister and brother feel the same way. Limited contact works for us. We can't control our parents, but we can control when we see them and for how long.

 

I get sad just thinking about it. I so wanted to be able to fix things, or just get strong enough to handle them. But I can't. I've had to learn to accept that.

[supermom]

We have to stop the cycle! Each parent tries to do better than their parents and so forth.

 

My mother and I had a talk about this, she was physically and emotionally abused by her mother (and dad, my gpa acted like the weak one) and so when my mother had my sis and I (me being the oldest) she emotionally abused us (as she puts it) but she said she thought "at least I'm not beating them" and now for me, I try to rationalize w/ my daughter but sometimes I realize I start to yell a bit and I have to control that because she is only 20 mos and I want to teach her to behave in a non-violent way, and it's working a bit.

 

As long as you can break the cycle, then hopefully someday people won't have the issues as they do today. It is such a common issue with everyone, myself included, and it is very sad.

 

Do any of you have children and are trying to break the cycle? And if so, what are you doing? I am a young mother (25) and I do try my best but I also realize that I do not know it all

[sikNtired]

I was so excited to read your e-mail and know that I am not alone in my venture to be successful outside of very dysfunctional parents (majorly religious dynsfunctionals - totally hide behind their bible) that have continuously tried to ruin my successful life and look for scriptures to justify doing so. I am 33 and currently in Christian counseling with a terrific therapist - she totally agrees my parents are NOT healthy parents, nevermind Christians(even though they think they sit at the right hand of God himself) and warns me consistently - NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WERE TAUGHT TO BELIEVE THAT DISCONTINUING A RELATIONSHIP WITH (BAD OR GOOD) PARENTS IS WRONG DISRESPECTFUL, and UNCHRISTIAN - YOU MUST TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN HAPPINESS AND SUCCESS AND NO LONGER PURSUE A RELATIONSHIP WITH UNHEALTHY PARENTS. THEY WILL NOT CHANGE! THEIR ACTIONS SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES! YOU ARE STILL A GOOD PERSON REGARDLESS!

 

I am an only child and my parents smash my feelings to pieces with a sledgehammer every time I go around them and the simple fact remains that the only relationship we can ever have, where I don't make myself their victim, is one in a neutral arena - public restaurant - maybe a meal once in a while - but I can NOT go to their house and place myself in their "gun sights" so to speak and allow them to continue to hurt me. For my own protection, we can NEVER have a strong emotional relationship ever again. They are jealous of my success in life - they greatly dislike and don't know how to have a relationship with my second husband of eight years because he is wonderfully kind, hard working, educated and he comes from a good loving family and they don't know how to act around people that don't need "spiritual healing" but actually know a loving God. In their minds, "something must be wrong with him, so let's dig out our magnifying glass and start making mountains out of molehills and stab them all in the back in the name of God Almighty, then plead ignorance and apologize one time months in advance for a thousand wrongs and keep repeating the wrongs anyway - just because."

 

Because of their "Christian" actions, twelve years ago, my first husband committed adultery after my own father told him (in such wisdom) it is o.k. to "look but not touch" other women. Within only a few months he had three separate affairs - oops, I guess it wasn't achievable for him to "look but not touch." Ten divorced and very happy years later, I find myself in a court battle for custody of my own children because my father "spiritually advised" my ex (who had no father and needed my parents to fill in - God help us all) that maybe he still deserved his day in court and yeah, maybe child support was unfair. Well, here I am spending $$ to defend myself from an angry ex that, ten years later, feels child support is unfair and never paid the entire amount throughout those ten years. I never took him to court, though, because I was only being a good Christian and chose to take care of my children financially and keep their feelings out of court - BIG MISTAKE. Now that I am having to defend myself and am now enforcing it, he is suing for custody of the kids to make my life a little more miserable to cope with. Thanks, dad, for giving such great advice to those that wish to harm me. My dad looked at me last month and went "gee, we never thought he'd really take you to court - you mean he had to sue you to go back to court" - DUHHHHHHHHHHH. I have NOT spoken with them for a month and I am slowly starting to feel better - they take almost all of my emotional "pie" just to deal with and my immediate family needs my happy emotional stability - my parents don't deserve to eat it all up. It's all going to be o.k., though, but this court thing is like watching my ex act like a mad dog that's chasing his tail and trying to bite his own behind out of his frustration of being a lousy failure. Thank God my parents are no longer on his "side" - but isn't it sad that it had to come to this and now they are claiming to be on my "side" - sheesh man, I am their only daughter after all (and a good person, too), ten years after surviving adultery, to have your own parents help pave the way to be hurt all over again. Sigh. It's a wonder I haven't "offed" myself with the amount of "love" shown to me in such "questionable" fashions.

 

PARENTS LIKE THAT ARE NOT HEALTHY! It is not safe to continue to pursue a relationship with them and you can be o.k. in knowing that you are good, you can make it - and surprisingly you can make it much happier without a relationship with them after all!

 

There is a great book I recommend called "Boundaries" - it is safe, healthy, and perfectly normal to place boundaries around our feelings and tell our own parents "no" you cannot cross over and hurt me anymore. You can make it! Stay strong - surround yourself with good friends and love yourself! In the words of Adam Sandler in a drunken hillbilly slur "you can do it" (smile). Chin up.

[MrGlider]

I wish you the best of luck. The bible teaches us how to properly handle ourselves and parents. Parents who do not know that or only pay lip service to the Jesus and his teachings are some of the worst violators of basic human trust and rules... one of which is "mind your own business"!

 

Good luck and God be with you.

[Mich33]

I understand completely what you are going through. I grew up in a home where my mother was young when she got pregnant with me. My natural father took off when he found out she was pregnant. She eventually married my stepfather who adopted me. I was not a perfect child but I did not deserve the abuse I suffered as a child.

 

My mother and stepfather picked me as the scapegoat for all of the problems in the family. I was not physically abused but severly emotionally abused. I was told growing up how much better her life would be if she would have aborted me and how noone would ever want me. I was called by both of my parents stupid, moron, ugly everyday of my life. At one point I had told because I had long hair I looked homely and had to cut it all off.

 

My family members have been told lies of awful things I supposedly did (none of which occured) and now as a adult I am still looked down upon by extended family. My children have witnessed and my sister in law had witnessed an incident that had occured because my husband had told my mother of an argument that had happened not believing what she was capable of. She walked into my home while I had been holding my 3 week old child and slammed me into the wall trying to strangle me. My sister in law was screaming to stop and my two other children were crying. My younger step sisters also witnessed the event seemed unfaised by the event.

 

I still as an adult am called stupid, moron and everyother name in the book. I try to have limited contact with these people. My children don't like these people and have no relationship whatsoever with these people.

 

I could go on and on with the horrible things that have been done. I have tried to get over it and move on but on just don't know how. My parents don't include me or my children on the holidays or birthdays and do not show up to anything for my children.

 

When I had my last child my placenta had abrupted and I was hemorraging. The hospital is close to my parents home so my husband dropped my children off at their home and my mother called her sister and told her "to come get these {deleted} kids out of her home. That her and my father were sick of my f'ing drama.

 

I could go on for hours with the things they still do to me. I guess it's good to know that I'm not the only person that has been through this. I am currently taking Wellbutrin to try to deal with the depression I still go through. I am hoping by typing this someone else who has been through this can help me with some suggestions on how to finally cut all ties with these monsters.

[emtandmommy2]

WOW. Sounds so much like my life. Same book diff author I guess. I too am still trying to learn how to not let them control me. I am 30. I only live 8 mile from them. My mom calls me constantly.The one day she called me 16 times. Thats in ONE day! Over stupid stuff. When something good happens in my life, I have learned not to tell her. She squashes it like godzilla.This outrages me because you are supposed to be excited and happy for something good that happens to your child.I am on Paxil.I have went through alot of talk therapy.Never a group therapy.I guess what I am saying is I can't give advice on getting away from it or dealing with it because I am still dealing with it and trying to get out of it.I am considering moving out of state.Haven't made my mind up yet though.

[cchamberland]

Wow, i fit right in here - I've heard it all, "your a whore like the thing that had you", "your an ungrateful little bitch", "your worthless", "you have mental issues", etc., etc.. My mom hit me so hard once that they actually had to call the ambulance because my nose wouldn't stop bleeding.

I was adopted when I was 2yrs old by a very dysfunctional family. I had the verbal/emotional/physical abuse tossed at me by my adoptive parents on a daily basis. I remember being scared to death to even go home after school somedays, wondering if my mother was going to go on one of her violent rampages. They always tried to scare me into not saying anything by telling me I would end up in an orphanage with no parents (and to a small child, this is scary!) . There sole purpose for adopting me, as I was told many times growing up, was so that they would have someone to take care of them so they wouldn't have to go to a nursing home when they were older. Well, here's my response to that now - rot in a nursing home.

 

The funny thing is, now that I'm 32, they still attempt to control me. I'm pregnant with my third child and realized that I have had enough when my mom didn't like it because she kept firing off baby names and I told her that my husband and I would be naming her. Her response the last time i talked to her was "I thought of more baby names but since you don't want to hear them I won't tell you" - Uh - ok? They said that they would be comming down 1 week after the baby was born to see us, didn't ask - just said they were comming. When they come, I am expected to cook, clean and cater to their every whim while they are here, they are my parents and I am suppose to take care of them according to them. Well, no more.

 

I sat down that night and said enough was enough and wrote them a letter. It told them that I was 32 years old, and making a decision to live a happy healthy life, which ment no more relationship with them, period, no exceptions. I live almost 1500 miles away from them now, and still feel anxiety and stress whenever they are around or call me. Yes, even as dysfunctional as my family was, I felt bad because I knew it would hurt them, (yes, even though they hurt me many times over and over) but at the same time, it felt wonderful.

 

I know that terminating your relationship with severely disfunctional families isn't for everyone, but I realized that It was exactly what I needed to do. The only issue I have now is awaiting the nasty telephone calls, or two totally psychotic people on my doorstep!

[kirkyswife]

Recently I had a blow out with my father. My mom was having back surgery and he used that opportunity to tell me that I was "playing" at being depressed and bipolar. I told him that I wasn't and that I didn't think that this was the time to address how we felt about one another. He kept egging me on until finally I told him that I thought he was full of **** and that he was the most selfish person on the planet. I told him that I hated him and that I don't understand why I would never be good enough for him. He said that I was wrong that I was good enough for him. I told him bull**** - I said no matter what I do you give me those hateful looks, you create division and hostility between my sister and I and then I began crying and yelling and screaming. I told him what I remembered about my childhood. All of the things he subjected me to and the things I witnessed. I told him that because he was abusive to me that I was abusive to my little sister and I beat myself up over it even though she has amazingly forgiven me. I told him to leave me alone and that I wanted nothing to do with him anymore. I told him that it made me sick that he had my mother mentally screwed up but that he no longer had that power and that he should die a slow and painful death. I told him he was a monster and I hated him.

 

I don't know that I felt any better. But I know they have stayed off my phone. It just doesn't seem to get any better and I don't know how to get over it.