analystfromhell Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 I've decided to post in this subforum as our situation has digressed to the point that I'm having to wonder whether or not divorce will improve my lot or .... Last summer I posted a lot of details about an EA on my wife's part- she has refused /avoided discussing her motivations or actions to this point (in MC or otherwise). Earlier this year I found out she had been lying about taking birthcontrol. No consequences since the bedroom has been dead but I still felt betrayed and lied to again. Recently she was texting with the EA again- business stuff but he was back in her contacts and I rightly or wrongly believe she both still harbors feelings and would hope to reinitiate- there's little or no sign he's interested but there was more com between them than any of her other workmates. We've been in MC since last August- the first one sort of gave up after four months then I found a new (so far great) one and we have been seeing him since Jan. The good part is she talks more with this guy, the bad part is I don't feel either of our satisfaction with the marriage has improved since it's low point during the EA. It's my second marriage and I'm really torn- I've been going to IC (she has not) and I hope working hard on both my personal and relationship skills. This isn't to say I'm easy to live with- clearly I'm not. At this point in my life my relationship with my (college aged) kids and one brother are really the only close relationships I have. No male friends to speak of, my close friends have always been females and female partners. No female ones now so as to avoid EA/PA myself- no temptation, no action which given the situation at home I know might develop or might provide what seems like an escape hatch. I'd rather directly address my and our marriage's issues. This is really tough- I don't want to go through a second divorce- who even wants to experience the first one. We're financially solid at the moment (me more than her), it's probably "easier" to stay with her unlike my first marriage. But... I'm unhappy, or at least more or less completely unsatisfied and untrusting. In the first marriage it was clear what had to happen- this time much less so. Not sure separation would offer any real improvement in my situation but meanwhile times a wasting and this marriage is gathering more and more baggage. What can I do and thanks for listening... Link to post Share on other sites
PeineDeCoeur Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 Maybe it's time to find a different MC? It sounds like she's participating, so that's good. Has the communication between you improved at all? It sure sounds like you need a serious conversation about the state of your M. What's not good here is that there is no changed behaviour coming out of it. Do you have boundaries set around her xAP? Clearly the MC isn't working for you. Try a different counsellor. If you keep going the way you are, you could be heading towards a 2nd D. Link to post Share on other sites
elfman Posted April 12, 2012 Share Posted April 12, 2012 Hey bud, sorry to hear your story. You sound like a veteran... Questions: - First and foremost, I assume you love her and want to be with her right? Otherwise you would not be posting here or doing MC. - Do you have kids with your current wife? - Why is she not disclosing and discussing her EA in MC? It would seem to me that is one of the first things a MC will attempt to get out of the picture. - Have you considered separation, 180 and NC? I can relate to not having many friends... After 10 years with my wife I spent all my attention on her and the kids, and my work partners and business associates are all single. I have relied on my family for support since my wife went all WaW. Did you do MC with your first wife? Did you try 180 and NC? Those strategies seem to work when a confused spouse is losing it and needs to be reminded harshly of the value of the other spouse. I feel like teaching Stephen Hawking about astrophysics here, since you have a lot of experience... but sometimes we can be very experienced and still fumble the ball, so keep posting and welcome (even though it's a downgrade in forums, like you said). Good luck! E. Link to post Share on other sites
Author analystfromhell Posted April 12, 2012 Author Share Posted April 12, 2012 (edited) I was wondering about the MC- it's clear from the experience of our new counselor that our old one sucked. Night and day- he's very talented and his skill is all that gives me hope. We discussed boundaries with each other and with the MC but it's clear from her behavior that regardless of how this other guy reacts (he stopped being such a willing participant when I sent the SMS traffic between my wife and him to his wife) that she's still smitten either by him directly or by a notion of what she would like from a relationship (which I clearly am not giving her). I'd try another MC but can't imagine one better than our current guy which is why I'm so discouraged. As far as love goes- that's complicated. I'm unable to unilaterally love- really unless the other person is as into it as I am my affections rapidly deteriorate. I was got really upset during the breakup with a girlfriend in High School (ridiculous right?) and that left a lasting impression on my psyche. So, my staying with her at this stage is almost more a matter of not wanting to divorce "I can't do without her" type love. Doubtless, I would be heartbroken if it comes to that, but much less so than if I was convinced, despite what's happened, that she really was in love. No kids- she was 30 and I was 11 years older when we married. I thought my opinion on kids was clear at the time and that she shared it. It seems not though. If I were her, and that was a huge issue, I would have brought it up more directly and perhaps it would have been a deal breaker. I would not have married me under the expectation that we would have kids- I have always been clear- my kids are pushing 20 and kids at this stage just seems unfair to the kids and because of that, wrong to me. I can't answer why she's not opening up- she either refuses to discuss it or avoids doing so. It's the lying and the evidence that she continues to hide things from me which bothers me the most; it destroys my trust (see above) and really kills my feelings. Separation seems odd to me- not like a purgatory though it may be the best option. I'm "sort" of doing a 180- my work is long hours, I'm getting a Phd,etc usual excuses. All that no doubt contributes to the damage to our relationship. Her job has long hours as well; there's no doubt we've not done all we could to do maintain the relationship. At the moment I don't really relish the thought of spending time with her. It doesn't seem fun- she yells at people in traffic, mutters things around the house, and so on. All stuff I hope we will eventually work on in MC if we get that far. With my first wife I did do a 180 and NC- though I did it without realizing what it was at the time. I got ripped, etc and I'm in the mood to just stop driving for the summer and get on the bike again. I wouldn't do it to "save" the relationship though. I fam not in the mood to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me just as much if not more. No matter how much a person has been through- there's nothing like other people's experiences and perspectives to help us avoid making the same mistakes twice, to encourage us to think of other people's positions and in general to sound out things. It would be nice to be able to head down to a pub and talk it all over a few nice pints but that's not the modern way:) Edited April 12, 2012 by analystfromhell Link to post Share on other sites
elfman Posted April 13, 2012 Share Posted April 13, 2012 (edited) ...when I sent the SMS traffic between my wife and him to his wife) that she's still smitten either by him directly or by a notion of what she would like from a relationship (which I clearly am not giving her). I'd try another MC but can't imagine one better than our current guy which is why I'm so discouraged. Well played, but she may be pissed at you doing it. I can see from your perspective you don't give a **** about her being pissed about it, nor should you. As far as love goes- that's complicated. I'm unable to unilaterally love- really unless the other person is as into it as I am my affections rapidly deteriorate. I was got really upset during the breakup with a girlfriend in High School (ridiculous right?) and that left a lasting impression on my psyche. So, my staying with her at this stage is almost more a matter of not wanting to divorce "I can't do without her" type love. Doubtless, I would be heartbroken if it comes to that, but much less so than if I was convinced, despite what's happened, that she really was in love. Hmm, I understand, yet it is a clear necessity to determine if you will fight for her or not. Forget the word "Love" for a second, and ask yourself, Is this someone I want to spend the rest of my life with? If the answer is maybe, then go ahead and divorce, the rest of your life is a very long time to settle on a "maybe". I would not have married me under the expectation that we would have kids- I have always been clear- my kids are pushing 20 and kids at this stage just seems unfair to the kids and because of that, wrong to me. Well, many women don't want kids... Has she ever brought this up in MC? If she wants kids she might as well hit the road, since you are deadset on no more procreation. I can't answer why she's not opening up- she either refuses to discuss it or avoids doing so. It's the lying and the evidence that she continues to hide things from me which bothers me the most; it destroys my trust (see above) and really kills my feelings. Lies are just stupid, I agree, they make everything worse. Especially because of the fact that being lied to while knowing the truth makes you think the other person thinks you are an absolute moron, and I ****ing hate that... My wife has become such a bad liar that it's really sad. It would be nice to be able to head down to a pub and talk it all over a few nice pints but that's not the modern way:) It is the modern way if you bring a friend along to discuss it with. As far as doing it with strangers in a pub, well, they probably don't want people raining on their drinking binges. I myself love the sort of Piano Man thing, it's too bad you can't find people who are not scared to talk to strangers anymore. Clearly the main advise here is Make a call on what you want to do and carry it through... Take care, E. Edited April 13, 2012 by elfman Link to post Share on other sites
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