kirkyswife Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 How do you deal with the unanswered WHY questions that run through your head after a break-up that doesn't allow for proper closure? How do you move forward? Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 AAAAAAAAAHHH!! I am so bad about this! I analyze every speck of every moment trying to figure WHY. Unfortunately not finding the WHY usually leads me to the even worse WHEN. B/c- if I can't decipher why it's over then it must mean he made a mistake so WHEN will he be back? Thoughts like this start a cycle that only time and socializing heal for me. It does help to at least pretend your moving on even if you don't think you should. Eventually you'll forget it's an act and start feeling better. This plan does take A LOT of time and I am Horrible about this so I would LOVE to hear if anyone has any other ideas. I've tried that whole write them a letter but don't send it thing(didn't work) and I've tried the ask him, his friends, his 1st grade teacher thing(never a good enough reason AND you feel like so pathetically desperate)I don't plan on breaking up w/ my current BUT you never know. (If you did there would be know WHY) Link to post Share on other sites
thecake Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 consider "proper closure"? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kirkyswife Posted June 17, 2004 Author Share Posted June 17, 2004 Proper Closure would be something like "Listen, I lied to you about being married because I never expected our friendship/relationship to develop like it did - I never meant to hurt you and I'm sorry that you were involved in this mess" Why Me Did you mean What you siad Why'd you Lie those types of things Basically the common courtesy of a phone call saying this isn't working for me I don't wish to drag this on any longer I don't want to be with you. Link to post Share on other sites
unreal Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 One thing about "proper closure" is that you never get the real reasons I don't think. I didn't get a proper closure at all in my breakup last week. All I know is that my ex talked about spending the rest of her life with me and talked about getting married for a year up until one weekend she went out with friends from work. It was downhill from there and she no longer wanted the relationship anymore. She wasn't sure if she felt as strongly as before. All I got was, I don't want to be in this relationship anymore and want to be on my own. No real reason as to how things changed or anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kirkyswife Posted June 17, 2004 Author Share Posted June 17, 2004 Oh Unreal I'm sorry to hear that! You are right though - you'll never get a satisfactory response to the WHY question but I just wondered how people coped with it because it drives me nuts - I just want to know why you pick me to inflict pain/damage upon. I want to know why someone would feel compelled to just sit up and tell me lies just for the hell of it - it's not nice and I don't understand. So you didn't have any indication that your girlfriend was unhappy? Again, I'm sorry but you I am sure she had to step out of the way so the right woman could come into your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 Originally posted by kirkyswife I am sure she had to step out of the way so the right woman could come into your life. WELL SAID! Link to post Share on other sites
thecake Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 Proper closure…. "Listen, I lied to you about being married because I never expected our friendship/relationship to develop like it did - I never meant to hurt you and I'm sorry that you were involved in this mess" Yep. That would be perfect closure. I know what you mean. It’s difficult to wrap your mind around the flowery words that were said to you by someone you loved and who supposedly loved you and then have it just end. This just happened to me a few months ago. The only thing that worked for me was the no contact rule. Link to post Share on other sites
unreal Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 kirkyswife, here is my story I dated this girl in high school and early college. We were madly in love and she wanted to marry me, but into my freshman year of college I made mistakes like not being in my room when she called, out drinking all night every night. And I neglected her. Some people told her lies that I was cheating on her and she left me by telling me that she no longer loved me. I wasn't cheating on her at all. But I couldn't convince her the truth. Two months later she was engaged to another guy and married him later down the road. Six years went by with no contact between us until my mother ran into her. They talked and my mother told me they had planned on meeting for dinner to catch up on old times. I gave my mom an apology letter to give to her and to tell her I was happy for her marriage. She responded to me almost immediately and told me and my mother that she was still in love with me and lied years ago when she said she didn't love me anymore and she wanted me back and has always wanted me back. She left her husband and ill-marriage(according to her) to come back to me. Right off the bat, she wanted me to move in with her and marry her. She worked out of town and lived out of town so she moved halfway between me and her job to be close to me. I wanted to try and rekindle our relationship and love before I made a decision on moving in or marriage. So we drove back and forth to see one another on weekends. She worked nightshift and I worked dayshift during the week, so phone calls were all we got during the week which made it hard. But I was happy and I thought our love was strong enough to make it. Then everything went to hell one Friday when she went out with friends from work. The whole next week on the phone I could sense something was wrong or she was distant. But I knew she had been sick and didn't think anything of it. The next weekend she almost breaks up with me for no reason. Didn't know what she wanted or what was wrong. But we talked and I expressed my true feelings for her and that I wanted her for the rest of my life and we could make it. We had already planned on moving away and we're going to visit a city out of state to check things out as far as jobs and such to see if we would both like it. So plans were being made for us. I thought things were ok, but during the week on the phone I expressed a desire to go ahead and move in with her now. She surprised me by saying, "No, I don't think that is a good idea, I'm not ready for that." I was shocked. I didn't get to see her the following weekend because she went out of town to see her friend from college(girl). But one thing lead to another and before you knew it we were broke up by the next weekend. No real reason other than she didn't think she felt as strongly as she did and she didn't miss me like she should. She didn't want to be in a relationship anymore and wanted to be on her own. She said she got used to being on her own and liked it. We can't be friends or talk anymore or anything by her choosing. I noticed the other day that things outside around her house are missing and it now looks like she is moving away somewhere. I'm left in utter shock right now. I don't know what to think? Link to post Share on other sites
lovenlearn Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 My marriage of 10 years ended with no explanation. I got 'You're not happy in this relationship' when I tried to discuss it. (right - it was all about me) I thought I was pretty happy BTW. My friends thought I was happy..... Fast forward 18 years and I still don't know why my marriage ended & yes I still think about it sometimes. I was engaged to someone that ended suddenly - with little explanation. He is English and I was moving to England to live. The explanation I got at the end of that relationship was 'You won't like it so far away from your friends and family'. Both times I know that there were reasons that the men didn't want to discuss. They had decided for whatever reason that it was over and didn't want to go through an emotional conversation. In their defense I'm fairly certain that both wanted to spare my feelings. (I'm still friendly with both.) If they realized how much pain is caused by not understanding, I think they would be more honest at the end of the relationship. I think the worst part is that you can't learn much from such vague statements. I didn't see any red flags or problems until I got hit with the goodbye. I also want to move forward and get over it, but I don't have a lot of trust in my instincts anymore. For me it just takes time. Lots of it. It's been 8 months since my engagement ended and I haven't even wanted to think about dating again. I know that I'll recover eventually. I try to stop myself when I ask the 'why' question. It helps me to think of both of these relationships as blessings. At the time I was in them they were what I wanted and needed. Maybe I just don't need them any longer. lm Link to post Share on other sites
lovenlearn Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 Unreal - I broke up with my high school/college boyfriend of 6 years & married another man (see my post above). College was a LONG time ago. (I'm 49). Yesterday I contacted a service that finds people to see if I could find him (he has a very common name - I'm going to have to use birthdates, etc.). I think he's married & if he is then end of story. (the search will tell this also) If he's single - I wanted to contact him & talk. After reading your post - it almost makes me feel selfish to intrude on his life again and possibly do more damage. Food for thought. lm Link to post Share on other sites
Author kirkyswife Posted June 17, 2004 Author Share Posted June 17, 2004 unreal & lovenlearn Thank you both for sharing your stories - I'm truly sorry people are such cowards that they can't even stand behind their decisions. Nevertheless, Unreal may I speculate for one moment on your situation? I think your ex is pregnant by the exhusband and/or the exhusband has someone resurfaced. I honestly don't think it has a thing to do with you whatsoever. Judging from her desire to "rush" into moving into together sent a red flag up for me. You both are good people who project good energy into the universe I am positive that these life lessons were in preparation for the goodness to come. I believe that each one of us has a someone special and sometimes we have to encounter certain life's lessons continuously until we "get it" and then we can move on to the next. Keep your heads up - their karma is affected not yours. Be blessed! Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 The poor girl has been moving at an intensity that would be exhausting to anyone. She may just need some space to clear the junk from her head. Her emotional scars from her bad marriage haven't had time to heal if she's been pushing full steam ahead w/you. She obviously believed she could trust you once your past was explained so you arrived just in time to "save" her. Her time out w/ her friends prob just made her see that she needs a bit more time for herself. I feel terrible for you because I know this hurts but she probally Really needs some time alone. You didn't mention her stating a desire to see anyone else. Let her know you'll be there for her if she needs you b/c she will need friends. Just let it be known you're willing to give her space but you won't wait forever and won't accept being led on. If you don't feel you can wait you should move on now b/c I really think she needs this time to herself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kirkyswife Posted June 17, 2004 Author Share Posted June 17, 2004 Well said Fayebelle Link to post Share on other sites
unreal Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 One important thing is that we were together for a year. All these problems and our breakup happened right after our one year anniversary of dating and her one year anniversary of her divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
unreal Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 Originally posted by Fayebelle The poor girl has been moving at an intensity that would be exhausting to anyone. She may just need some space to clear the junk from her head. Her emotional scars from her bad marriage haven't had time to heal if she's been pushing full steam ahead w/you. She obviously believed she could trust you once your past was explained so you arrived just in time to "save" her. Her time out w/ her friends prob just made her see that she needs a bit more time for herself. I feel terrible for you because I know this hurts but she probally Really needs some time alone. You didn't mention her stating a desire to see anyone else. Let her know you'll be there for her if she needs you b/c she will need friends. Just let it be known you're willing to give her space but you won't wait forever and won't accept being led on. If you don't feel you can wait you should move on now b/c I really think she needs this time to herself. That's just it, she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. She has expressed that she thinks she is still in love with me but she thinks it may not be strong enough to keep our relationship. She doesn't want to be in a relationship or with me she said and wonders what it would be like to just date someone. She says there is no one in particular right now, but I suspect there is. There are clues of another man. The one post above may have hit something. She may have gone back to the exhusband or regrets something that she did and cannot face me because of the guilt. Link to post Share on other sites
lovenlearn Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 kirkywife - I agree about the lessons we go through. It takes time and the chance to heal before we can re-evaluate the relationship and see how it made us grow. Let's quote some country music now - 'Thank God for unanswered prayers'. Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 Sounds like emotional baggage. She needs to clean house- you can't do it for her. Link to post Share on other sites
unreal Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 I just don't know what to think to be quite honest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kirkyswife Posted June 17, 2004 Author Share Posted June 17, 2004 Another thing I want to share is that I have learned that taking TIME alone between relationships is important - like Fayebelle said "Emotional Baggage" is something that no one can cure for you and unless it's dealt with it just goes from situation to situation creating hidden problems in the new relationship and dooming it from the start. You have to heal and re evaluate your limits and needs - part of life's lessons. Link to post Share on other sites
lovenlearn Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 Unreal - maybe you dodged a bullet with this one. Think of kids in this mix........... Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 Originally posted by lovenlearn Think of kids in this mix........... AAAAAAAAHHH! They told us cheer up- things could be worse. So we cheered up and sure enough things got worse Be thankful for small favors. Link to post Share on other sites
unreal Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 That is what everyone I know tells me. What if you were married and had children and this happened? It would make this alot harder. What is amazing to me is how feelings changed soo fast. Or did they? She did say that she thought she blocked alot of things out in her head because she wanted this to work soo badly. But she wouldn't say what things. At first, she was actually making up arguments between us that never happened. She now says I did nothing wrong and this is her. I just don't know if she needs help or what? I'm very concerned for her, but she has cutoff all ties to me. She doesn't want to talk to me anymore or see me. Like I said, she will be moving I'm positive of very soon. Link to post Share on other sites
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