How can you seriously hang out/see/have sex with an ex?

[Eternal Sunshine]

I truly don't get it.

 

Recently, me and ex talked about getting a take out and hanging out as friends. Immedietely after we chatted about it, I started feeling filled with sadness and dread.

 

How on earth can I do this with someone that once said wants to spend his life with me? That once promised to love me forever?

 

How could we possibly lightheartedly joke like nothing happened when our hearts were ripped out?

Seriously?

 

The only way I would be able to do it is if deep down I felt hope that we would end up back together. Is that what people on here feel?

 

Since I have no such hope or desire, there is really no point.

 

I was doing really well, until the thought of spending time with him I felt nothing but overwhelming feeling of "this is just not right!"

 

Anyway, we talked and he feels the same way so back to day 1 of NC

[ThatDudeXO]

When they're no longer in love with you, still find you attractive and have no other options.

 

I'm sorry you're still going through all this sadness ES. I don't know your full story but you seemed really happy at some point and it was because your ex played no role in your life.

 

I'm not the best at giving advice but I think you really have to remove them out of your life when you're still in love and they aren't.

 

Cheer up.

[lalalandman]

Stop using the sympathy card. You're seriously better than this and you deserve happiness. Go seek it. There are other people out there. Go share your existence with other souls instead of wasting your breath on this one.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I don't want to seek anyone because the thought of dating at all makes me want to off myself (no, I am not suicidal it's just an expression). I cringe at the thought of making small talk and trying to connect, going on a requisite number of dates, attempting to get comfortable at each other's houses, awkward first time sex, sleepless nights in a new bed etc etc. I don't want any of that and it fills me with so much dread I feel :sick:

 

I don't even want my ex back at all. I just feel empty.

 

I guess I don't see how people can be friends with their exs. I don't get it. Even my ex said the same thing - he doesn't get it either.

[Eternal Sunshine]

When they're no longer in love with you, still find you attractive and have no other options.

 

I'm sorry you're still going through all this sadness ES. I don't know your full story but you seemed really happy at some point and it was because your ex played no role in your life.

 

I'm not the best at giving advice but I think you really have to remove them out of your life when you're still in love and they aren't.

 

Cheer up.

 

Yeah, I started chatting with my ex every day and I am back to this. Perhaps there really is some merit in NC.

[ThatDudeXO]

I don't even want my ex back at all. I just feel empty.

 

After being in a comfortable relationship for so long, even though you may not have done a lot of things together, just the fact that you have someone special in your heart makes feels good. We take this feeling for granted so that when they're gone we feel like something is missing.

 

I feel empty too...it's because we loved being in a relationship so much that we haven't started to enjoy being single and being on our own yet. We don't need anyone to make us feel whole, we need to figure out how to get past this emptiness.

[Kamille]

I'm relieved to hear you listen to how you feel, ES. Sure, these aren't positive emotions, but they're pretty normal feelings for someone going through a break up.

 

Not many people easily transition to being able to hang out with an ex. Usually, that only happens once a considerable amount of time has elapsed and both parties are healed.

 

Sex with an ex is notorious for messing with someone's heart.

 

Even not looking forward to dating is a pretty common feeling at this point of the process. This one will change in due time though.

[SilverBlueAndGold]

I could not be friends with my ex either, after sharing so much and being so close it would be torment to even be around her. At least in the near future. I have no idea how I will feel way down the road, but since that is a long way off all I can do is take one day at a time.

[lalalandman]

Just find something that makes you happy. It does not mean finding someone to be intimate with. Is there something you can excel at? A hobby, sport, school, fitness, making new friends, dance class, something?

 

But concentrating all your focus on this dead relationship is just going to make things worse. It's not working out with him. No use trying to figure out the WHY of it. Honestly, there is no ultimate reason why it isn't working.

 

What you CAN do is learn to be happy with yourself and better yourself. It's YOU time. No use concentrating on this dude. Your thread question has nothing to do with him. It has everything to do with YOU. What you really should be asking is "Why do I allow so-and-so to do this-and-that thus causing me pain, over and over again?"

 

So get off this sympathy card crap. Coming here with your same sad story, feeeding off the energy of everyone feeling sorry for you, is weak. It will do you no good. Screw that dude, honestly. He can go get bent for all you care. Just appreciate the good times you did share and let it be. You have your life ahead of you.

Edited April 12, 2012 by lalalandman

[Mme. Chaucer]

The whole expression "as friends" is bogus, IMO. Either you ARE friends, or you aren't.

 

Some separated couples really are friends. The romantic relationship did not work out, but the friendship remained.

 

I never got the impression that you and your ex had that type of relationship. From your descriptions, it sounded like you two were not mutually supportive or really enjoying one another's company like true friends do.

 

The time of healing from a painful break up would be a TERRIBLE time to attempt to forge a "friendship" with the ex. I have tried that myself and it was a disaster, and I also had motives that I was not honest with myself about. I didn't want to get back together - I did want some kind of validation, or reassurance that I wasn't rejected, or something or another that was not healthy, especially not to try to get with a "friendship" with THAT particular person.

 

OTOH, I am friends with exes today. But the healing was long behind me before we could function as true friends.

 

Perhaps there really is some merit in NC.

 

Forgive me, but I had to laugh! Of COURSE there is merit, or else it would not be so widely recommended! That doesn't mean that it's the way for every single person, or that everyone's going to go along with it even if it would be the best way for them.

 

When you are still raw and hurt from the aftermath of a relationship, usually contact with that person is equivalent to backsliding in your healing.

[Eternal Sunshine]

MMC,

 

I am actually proud of myself for recognizing my unhealthy motives in staying friends at this point and stopping. My old self that was addicted to pain and self-destruction would hang out with this ex and keep hanging out while being tormented inside.

 

My motivation IS/WAS validation and I wanted to know that my ex still cared about me and that I wasn't rejected. This is not healthy and no grounds for genuine friendship. I told him the short version of this, that I don't want to stay friends for now because I can't offer him genuine friendship at this point.

 

I am carrying lot of resentment and anger towards him still. I haven't shared on here that during the last few months, my dad had a medical emergency and I was really depressed about it. My ex (while still telling me that I was the love of his life), couldn't be less supportive. In fact, he picked fights every day about how he is not finding this fun, how he missed flirting with female friends and how I am not giving him enough head (I wasn't even in the mood for sex then but still did it at least twice a week to please him). He showed zero compassion for what I was going through. I actually cried every day over his insensitivity.

 

This is just strange, as he presented himself as incredibly nice and sweet. He bought my mum flowers all the time. He said how he is "too nice" and that's why he hasn't had luck with women in the past (he reminds me of "nice guys" on here). Yet, he couldn't be *less* nice when the situation arose. He also seemed like the nicest guy I ever dated. I wonder how will people who are more obviously jerk-y from the start handle such situations. Even worse? Then there truly is no point.

 

I had/am having trouble reconciling the two. I guess deep down I want some acknowledgment and apology of the way he treated me during those last few months.

 

I need to realize that it's not gonna happen and to just let it go

[HeartCure]

It could be the old memories being triggered when you saw him,nevertheless glad you know what is good for yourself (:

It could that he just wants to be presented as a nice guy to everyone else as an outershell.From your post,it really does seem like the chemistry just wasn't there and more like the two of you are just simply there for one another,more like best friends.

[red83]

I think you can be friends with an ex depending on how you broke up. I'm still really good friends with my ex who I was with for 9 years.

 

In fact i've been staying at his for a few days whilst getting over a broken heart from a recent relationship that just broke up.

 

We have no romantic feelings for each other. We're just best friends. We've spent so much of our adult life together, it would be sad if we couldn't be friends.

[radiodarcy]

i can't but i know some people who can - - and are. to each their own i suppose. my ex was friends with all of his exes (except one) -- which never did sit well with me.

 

he was disappointed when i didn't want to be friends anymore but - - too bad!

[Mme. Chaucer]

It really sounds like you are taking care of yourself in a healthy way through this tough time, and recognizing when you are headed in a questionable direction.

 

I don't know or understand why it seems "comfortable" for a lot of us to do things that actually hurt us badly and that we know are "bad" for us. I struggle with it all the time. Why would a negative, painful place be our "comfort zone"? I guess it doesn't even really matter "why," in the big picture. What does matter is that we don't accept that and that we try to move towards a place where what is GOOD for us is our "go-to" place instead.

 

Like you are doing!

[wilsonx]

ES, is this the most recent ex, is there someone else from your past in the picture