Can't think straight anymore - going crazy

[dlawrence]

I hope I picked the right forum.

 

HELP!

Basically, I need to win my wife's love back. And I have a very pressing issue I need to decide on. I have nobody to talk to.

 

Been married 6 years, together 7 years. Personally, I think the first 4 years were great. She has rewritten history and says it's all terrible from day one. I know you've heard that before.

 

Both of us were previously married. Both have kids, me 2 girls (12 & 15), her 2 boys (11 & 15). Her boys have been a big problem for us. They both have ADHD.

 

It is mainly a parenting style issue I'd guess. I believe in firm and consistent and she believes in letting it slide. She has told me I am not the father, has literally said I am to be seen but not heard, and has told me and them that she will never pick me over them. So, we've had a number of big ones over the years. However, for quite some time now I've gotten past all that and pretty much there are no issues with the boys except what i'd call occasional normal step-parent/child problems. I think we get along fine now. But, perhaps the damage was done in the past and she can't get over it.

 

I'm a good husband, love her to death (yet now hate her, can you explain that?). I basically bend over backwards for her to make her happy to try to get her love.

 

For 2 years or so now I've tried to tell her I need more affection from her. A peck on the lips a day doesn't cut it for me. She initiates nothing, only a goodbye kiss in the morning. Often no ILY unless I say it first. Pretty much, not much affection. When I mention it, she tells me to be happy with what I've got, that it's just not her (it used to be though), that she doesn't feel the same about me as I do her. And mostly she says "It's not always about you".

 

Her ex-husband got divorced from his 2nd wife about 18 months ago. I've noticed things go downhill from there. About 6 months after that divorce the W and I had a problem and she basically told me she doesn't love me like I love her, that she still loves him, and she just wants to be a perfect family with him, her, and their children. Ouch. About 6 months after that, I stumbled on a message on a help board from (definately) her. It said pretty much the same thing but said he wanted to get back to her, "what do I do?" stuff. I confronted her, she said he never said that but made her feel that way or she wished it when he said he regretted leaving her and the boys.

Almost there....

 

Her best friend, and her ex's best friend are married. That husband and wife have children that are best friends with their children. The boys are over there as much as they are with their father, if not more. They live 30 miles away. The ex is almost always there too. I mean, he and his friend are almost always together and the boys are there too. Lately, my W has been more than willing to be accomodating and driving the boys out there even though he says he'll pick them up, etc. She'll go out there, and make it clear to me that she wants to go alone so she "can visit with her friend". But, coincidentally, the Ex is always there too. They'll even have dinner together, and she'll be there for hours. And she knows I don't like this. I've noticed that 6 of the last 8 times she went that she didn't wear her wedding ring.

 

The point is, she clearly (and has pretty much told me) wants it to be her, him, thier children, and their friends. All happy like the "old days".

I have no idea what the Ex's feelings are. But I'm jealous and scared to death of him now.

 

So, that is the main problem. I need to get her over him and into me. Oh, they were childhood sweethearts. She (even told me this the other day) fell in love with him at 15 and still loves him.

 

The other, pressing problem, is the first week of August the friends are going on vacation. It's a camping/boating/swimming trip. The Ex is also going on that trip. Since he's going then so are the boys. We (maybe really just her) were invited to go also. She says she wants to go. I say maybe, I'm unemployed (14 months now) and if i get a job I most likely couldn't get off. She says she wants to go without me then. I said I didn't like that idea at all and wouldn't be comfortable since HE'LL be there. Though I quickly dropped the subject since it's several weeks away, she said "so I can't go and have fun with my children and friends? That's selfish". And I never answered that. But, I pretty much think it is wrong for my wife to be on a week long trip with her ex, that she says she loves more than me, and all the circumstances to be her, him, them just like she dreams of. I can't stop thinking of what will I do when she mentions it again, or shortly before it's time. I keep thinking I'll tell her I don't want her to go, that if she does then I know she is picking him over me, and then for her to not bother coming back.

 

I am so hurt. I can't think logical anymore. I just want my wife's love.

Help

DL

[uriel]

Well, it's clear you two need couples counseling. That's an easy default answer, but it really would help you to sort out whether the relationship can be saved.

 

You shouldn't have to live without affection or with this rejection. She's being cruel when she tells you about her love for her ex and lack of love for you.

 

Despite all this, you love her. Well, can she come to love you back in the same way? It will depend on how willing she is to work to save the marriage, or to see if it's salvageable.

 

Get the name of a good therapist, make an appointment, and ask her to go. Tell her you can't take the way things are anymore. You don't put it all on her, but you want to see if this can become better between you.

 

If she doesn't want to go, ask her why she wants to stay married (assume that since she is staying married, that's the default). Tell her how hurt you are and how much you want things to get right between you.

 

Her response about your being selfish in feeling bad about the ex's presence on this camping trip isn't a good sign. If she loves you, she SHOULD be concerned about how that hurts and unsettles you. At the very least, you should expect to be invited to go and welcomed by her when and if you do. If you can't go, then you either need to be able to trust her or expect that she'll refrain to resist any temptation.

 

Since she's admitted her feelings for him and lack of feelings for you, I hardly think you're being unreasonable. Sounds like she wants to do what she wants to do, without considering you. Does she even remember why she divorced him and married you if she still loved him so much? She does need help with that selective memory.

 

Take care

 

-- uriel

[dlawrence]

We saw a therapist for a number of visits. It didn't work very well. It was oh, maybe 18 months ago. Hmm, right around the time her ex got his divorce. Basically it was me saying my stuff (lack of affection, our parenting issues) and her saying her stuff (which was basically parenting issues). It didn't work. The therapist didn't help, made no suggestions. Eventually she said she couldn't help us and we should each seek our own counceling (??).

 

I have recently suggested it again, but she says no. Actually, I think she had said "not now". Besides, money would be an issue without me working.

 

Basically, she is quite brutal with her truth. I'd actually love for her to have a few little lies. She has point blank told me she doesn't love me like I love her or how she loves him. She said she's always loved him and can't let go. All she want's to be "is a perfect wife with her children and their father". She even told me the other day that if I think I'm hurting that it's even worse for her. She is only with me for obligation since we are married. Ouch!

 

As for the trip: well, i can't see how I could possibly be ok with it. My gut feeling is to put my foot down and not allow it as long as she is my wife. Somehow, I don't know if that will work. I can see either she chooses not to go after I say that, and then she is really not happy with me, or she chooses to go and makes damn sure she has a good time. But, as far as I'm concerned, I feel if she goes without me that she is chosing him. I feel she shouldn't go if she knows how much this would bother me AND the fact that with her being married to me that she should know it's wrong. I mean, it just seems wrong that my wife would want to go on a trip, without me, with her ex (whom she has said she loves more than me) and with her friends and with her children. I'm scared to death that it would be exactly what she wants and would feed her desire for that perfect family. her, him, children, and them. I almost could imagine her coming back from the trip with her mind made up that she wants him.

 

Oh my God, this hurts.

DL

[TempSain]

Sorry to hear your in misery,

I think you have to put your foot down on this issue.

You may not like her answer your gonna get but if you let her go, she will definately have a good time and who knows what will happen there. It will be a good opportunity for them to rekindle their relationship.

It's hard to compete against her fond memories of her ex.

I am sure she is only remembering the good experiences of her past with him as Uriel mentioned.

Maybe you should try to make her remember the bad aspects of her past relationship.

[uriel]

Sorry to say it, but I think it's time you seriously thought about a divorce.

 

-- uriel

[Karlise13]

I'm sorry, but it doesn't sound like she loves you.

 

I am not sure how you go about winning someone's love when they are so obviously and brutally frank about being in love with someone else.

 

I am not saying this is hopeless. But I think a trial seperation would be in order, right off.

 

This woman seems to have no regard for your feelings, has no qualms whatsoever about saying things to you that must be devastating. It seems to be all about her at this point.

[msrealdoll]

I think you should consider getting some therapy for yourself. You deserve it.

 

For some reason, you are willing to stay in a one-sided relationship with her. She has been honest with you and told you she doesn't love you. Why are you willing to live that way? You deserve to love and be loved.

 

What reason does she give for staying with you, if she is so in love with her ex?

 

I hate to come off as brutal, but it sounds like you need to get ready to live without her. She has removed herself emotionally from your relationship. She is withholding affection. She wants to go on a trip without you with a man she says she loves more than you. It sounds like she's just staying with you until the ex asks he to move in.

 

I'm afraid that if this continues, you will become angry with yourself for putting up with it, and do damage to your self-esteem. You need to get some perspective on the situation, and try to think about it logically. Maybe you need to take a vacation without her.

[Yikes]

In the past few years I've learned a few things... Firstly, you can't make someone love you. (nor should you have to) You can't force someone to do the right things. At least she seems to be communicating her feelings to you, as painful as that is. Not communicating her feelings would be bad, but lying to you about her feelings would be worse.

 

Good luck.