Dealing with a years worth of cheating.

[LolaRuby]

First post... it's going to be hefty. Here goes..

 

I entered in to a relationship with a guy who had been with a girl 2 years prior to me and him meeting, and were technically still together. I had NO idea of this, until she rocked up to my house and confronted him on my doorstep.

 

And yes, after that. I still stayed (mistake number one on my part, obviously)

 

From then I spent basically the whole of 2011 getting abusive emails, texts, phonecalls from her telling me that they were still together, were sleeping together, etc. Every time it blew up he told me that she would try to harm herself any time he broke up with her so in order for her to calm down he'd make promises, tell her he loved her, etc. I accepted this, and carried on with him. Foolishly. (mistake number 23456) (yes, it happened that many times).

 

In December, her brother saw me and him out, reported it back to her, she called me upset, telling me that she had just had an abortion, it was his baby, and that he had been seeing her still. At the time, he was living with me. Everything kicked off again. I, stayed (I know, I'm completely crazy).

 

Fast forward to now. We're still living together. He maintains that he has stayed faithful since Dec, and me being wrought with insecurities, don't believe him (understandably, right?).

 

In the time that we've been together, he's given gifts i'd given him, to her. Spent our 1 year, with her after she came to my work and told me all sorts about their sordid affair, let her write texts to me telling me to leave him alone, all of that. I can't even begin to get in to the nonsense that he has put me through.

 

Why did I stay for this long? Well. He knows exactly what to say and do to make it seem like he loves me more than anything in this world. However, it obviously doesn't last.

 

Now, you'll all be relieved to find that I've had enough. I broke up with him today. We live together, I'm going to be broke, I've only lived in this country for 2 years, lost a lot of friends over this saga, feel pretty weak, but I'm going to do it. I completely understand how much he's manipulated me, we can all boo and hiss as much as we want, but my main reason for posting here was to get some advice on what to do..... now. What on earth do I do? My self esteem is so low. How do I get it back? How do I trust people again? How can I forget how painful this has all been? How do I stop from letting the anger and resentment towards him (and her) consume me?

[PegNosePete]

He maintains that he has stayed faithful since Dec

 

What does he want a f*cking medal? Oh big whoopie deal, he has been faithful for 4 months. Does that let him off being unfaithful for 12? Really???!?!?!

 

Have some self respect girl. Ditch this lying, cheating loser!

 

but my main reason for posting here was to get some advice on what to do..... now. What on earth do I do? My self esteem is so low. How do I get it back?

 

"Hey XXX, get the hell out of my sight you lying cheating loser. I never want to see you again".

[veggirl]

Did he move out since you broke up with him? OMG pleeeeeeease go NC with this loser! You get your self esteem back by going into therapy...seriously.

[loversquarrel]

You can do a couple of things to feel better. Here are a few simple things you can and should do-

 

1. Find a good therapist. This may take some time, maybe a few weeks but start looking.

 

2. Start working out if you haven't already. Join a gym, take an exercise class, walk, jog, anything. This will help you burn up extra energy and set goals for yourself, plus you may meet new people and start to look good while you're at it. This will dramatically help you gain confidence and self esteem.

 

3. Try to reconnect with a few of the old friends you seem to have lost due to this relationship. You may be pleasantly surprised to find out some of them have missed you.

 

4. Keep in mind you have already made the hardest decision. You will begin to feel better without the constant drama swirling about. You can try to reframe your thoughts when you start to think about him by thinking about all of the negative that happened.

[Professor X]

So, you guys back together yet, or ??

[LolaRuby]

Nope, not back together.

 

I started this thread to get some constructive advice on how to deal with it. Not reiteration about how horrible he's been. Like I said, I want help coping with the betrayal, on my own.

 

I think the advice about therapy is a good one..... it's just a bit scary!

[veggirl]

Nope, not back together.

 

I started this thread to get some constructive advice on how to deal with it. Not reiteration about how horrible he's been. Like I said, I want help coping with the betrayal, on my own.

 

I think the advice about therapy is a good one..... it's just a bit scary!

 

Well you need to be reminded how horrible he is, because even though you've known for a full year, you've continued to go back with him.

 

You might wanna post in the "coping" section--a lot of those folks pretty much only hover around that section and the break up section and many will have fantastic advice for you.

 

My advice...go No Contact, get into therapy to work on your self respect...and check out the coping form

[Javelin]

Ruby,

 

Your strength is admirable.

 

Enough that I had to login and post on this thread after nearly a year since my last!

 

What on earth do I do?

 

Priority #1:

 

Ditch any type of communication with your ex immediately. If you have to dump his posessions out on the street to get rid of him, please do so. Don't leave any excuse for either of you to contact one another. As long as you both stay legally unattached, you will be able to move on.

 

Priority #2:

Call up those 'lost' friends and regain their friendship. Friends in your situation would have probably helped to see the horror of the situation quicker. Friends are crucial in times of need, and would of probably saved you the aggrivation.

 

 

Overall, you sound like a good catch. Get yourself together, get over this loser, and live your life. Don't let this one f'd up experience ruin it for future potential. Seriously, there are plenty of us guys out there that won't screw you over, just be open minded.

Edited April 16, 2012 by Javelin