Your veiw point wanted

[Nanette]

I come from a very disfuntional family. My parents were abusive emotionally mentally and physically. When they became very sick I was called to care for them by a social worker. My younger sister who had lived with them a lot as an adult was supposed to have been there but was not. As a result they just about became the bad smell int he neighborhood.My siblings were all called and I was theonly one who came. I stayed with my dad and mymom was hospitalized. My siblings and niees and nephews didi ot help and many of them would not even return my phone calls. I had to place myparents in a nursing facility and took them to my home town as nothing was available in their town. When my father died I was the only one there with Mom even though i had called all of them and told them it was going to happen soon. When my mother reovered enough she begged to live with me and after a year and ahlf I finally helped her move in with me. My sister didi not want this to happen and my brother was good with it. After caring for my mother for 2 years with the help of my sone and husband my mother became set on gettting more attention from my siblings and having big family get togethers. I felt I was doing my share and someone els should do this. I was critisised for not allowing them free run of my home. They were not helping with Dr visit etc they just wanted to eat meal i would cook and socialize. I work full time as does my huband . My oldest son quit his job to help my Mom get her house painted and ready to sell. Then he stayed home and took her places and kept and eye on her.That was not enough for her. So she hatched a plan to get everyone together by citising us for not meeting her every need..like letting them come and go in my home or joining in her racial and religious natzi like diatribes. My mother had not been returning or answering phone calls from one of my nieces because she did not want to . Then she blamed that on my husband. Wheo swhen she said"I am not your secretary I do not want to answer the phone." He said so don't answer it. So she told my niece he would not let her use the phone.( she had a phone in her room that he installed for her) Anyway there was a big family to do and she moved out. I was very hurt in the process and all the work I had done to get healed from my childhood just dissolved. That was 6 months ago. Now my sister who has not been in touch with me wanted to meet to have me plan and do a birthday party/ family reunion for my mother. My response was if you want to meet without an agenda I will , but if all you want is to have me do this task I do not want to meet with you. My sister decided not to meet with me. Should I even consider maintaining relationships with these people?

[setsenia]

I have a similar background and you have every right not only to dump your parents, but also anyone who feels you have to do anything for them. If your parents have done nothing but treat you like crap all your life, you owe them nothing. Sometimes as abused children, a part of us wants to love our parents and feels a certain duty towards them. Even in a sense, we think they might change to be the loving parents we always wanted them to be. But it's not going to happen. If I were you, I'd throw out your mother, as horrible as it sounds. If your siblings want to have a relationship with her, great, but you don't have to take part of it. If they cannot accept or understand it, you don't need them in your life. Let your siblings take care of her.

[Eve]

I come from a very disfuntional family. My parents were abusive emotionally mentally and physically. When they became very sick I was called to care for them by a social worker. My younger sister who had lived with them a lot as an adult was supposed to have been there but was not. As a result they just about became the bad smell int he neighborhood.My siblings were all called and I was theonly one who came. I stayed with my dad and mymom was hospitalized. My siblings and niees and nephews didi ot help and many of them would not even return my phone calls. I had to place myparents in a nursing facility and took them to my home town as nothing was available in their town. When my father died I was the only one there with Mom even though i had called all of them and told them it was going to happen soon. When my mother reovered enough she begged to live with me and after a year and ahlf I finally helped her move in with me. My sister didi not want this to happen and my brother was good with it. After caring for my mother for 2 years with the help of my sone and husband my mother became set on gettting more attention from my siblings and having big family get togethers. I felt I was doing my share and someone els should do this. I was critisised for not allowing them free run of my home. They were not helping with Dr visit etc they just wanted to eat meal i would cook and socialize. I work full time as does my huband . My oldest son quit his job to help my Mom get her house painted and ready to sell. Then he stayed home and took her places and kept and eye on her.That was not enough for her. So she hatched a plan to get everyone together by citising us for not meeting her every need..like letting them come and go in my home or joining in her racial and religious natzi like diatribes. My mother had not been returning or answering phone calls from one of my nieces because she did not want to . Then she blamed that on my husband. Wheo swhen she said"I am not your secretary I do not want to answer the phone." He said so don't answer it. So she told my niece he would not let her use the phone.( she had a phone in her room that he installed for her) Anyway there was a big family to do and she moved out. I was very hurt in the process and all the work I had done to get healed from my childhood just dissolved. That was 6 months ago. Now my sister who has not been in touch with me wanted to meet to have me plan and do a birthday party/ family reunion for my mother. My response was if you want to meet without an agenda I will , but if all you want is to have me do this task I do not want to meet with you. My sister decided not to meet with me. Should I even consider maintaining relationships with these people?

 

OP, I would say that what matters is that you hear your own truth. Sometimes families are so dysfunctional that they cannot hear or see you.

 

Put all that energy you have into something else.

 

I had to move away for a large number of years because my family wanted to use me up. Well, they did use me up. The dad of my girls tried also to do the same thing - but was unsuccessful. I also attracted friends who tried it on too. In the end I realised that I was a central part of this process and began to make changes in how I related to others... even though it was not my fault.

 

At it's very basic level OP, people will take what you give if you give it without boundaries being in place. Sometimes, yes they are in fact evil doers but mostly I have concluded that it is about knowing ones limits and not giving over your power to others. For me it has been a process of letting the good parts grow in my little life and the dark parts (represented as key people and feelings mainly) fade away.

 

What matters is that you protect your heart within all of this.

 

What do you really really want OP?

I worked out what I wanted instead of the bs I was getting and now reside in this idealised life which I so needed.

 

Time for some soul searching girl.

 

I would start with not asking their opinions on things. Trust your intuitiion. You already know how they going to react.

 

Often times there is a weird bond with families which can keep a person doing the same the things if they are not careful. The biggest thing I found was that it was a relief to be away from them all and I achieved so much more without them being around.

 

So, they are in the wrong for the way they have treated you but I would advise that you concentrate on building up yourself.

 

Do not respond to their bs and things will get easier.

 

Overall, the biggest thing for persons who have been through bad childhoods is help themselves to cease becoming overly defensive in other areas of their lives. IMO, this keeps the cycle alive. Work on this daily and don't let any negative persons into your home, under any circumstances.

 

Take care,

Eve x

Edited April 13, 2012 by Eve