He broke up by ignoring me?!?

[Confusedcompletely]

WARNING!!!! VERY LONG!!!

 

My boyfriend of a year hasn't spoken to me in 5 weeks. The last time I saw him was on our anniversary which was 2 months ago.

 

He always had a habit of putting his friends first to the point that I wouldn't see him for a month sometimes. Then a couple weeks before our anniversary he started to get really slack with communication. I told him it was totally unfair to push me away the way he has...we're a team!! He said he's been stressed but every time he tells me what he's stressed about he changes the reason. Because this has happened a lot before (caused a break up already) I decided to put my foot down and tell him if he doesn't try to be nice in the next few days, we would have no choice but to break up. I said nice because he takes his stress out on me in very sarcastic ways.

 

He got annoyed because I had begun to nag...which I had, I was fed up. I apologised for nagging and explained that it was just really starting to get at me. He told me he'd try harder and then said he'd left his sisters bottle opener at my house and needed to get it (it had already been here for months). I told him I could send it to him because his car wasn't working (and I don't have a car)....or so he said when he was explaining he was stressed...And he said "actually I'll be out there tonight, you can leave it in the letter box if you don't want to see me". I told him of course I want to see him. Then suddenly he said "Well I can't come in so just put it in the letter box." When I asked if he wanted to see me he said "I don't know aye, you're stressing me out." I was really hurt at this because he made it sound like he could see me and that he was doing me a favour in case I didn't want to see HIM...when in reality he didn't want to see me! I also couldn't understand how I was stressing him out THAT much, because I only talked to him about pushing me away twice. The last I heard from him that night was when he text me saying "Did you just ring me?"

 

Anyway I put it in the letter box...3 weeks went by and it was still there. I got pissed at wondering if every car was him so put it back inside. That was 2 weeks ago. I know he's not hurt or anything because he's still been on facebook (which I've deleted him from). I just don't understand how it got this bad. Obviously I was getting ready to leave because I told him he needs to stop pushing me away or else we'll break up....but I don't get how he can just break up with me by ignoring me. The last time we saw each other he was acting like he was so in love. How can he forget about me like that? How can he just disappear?

 

I've been NC since the day after we last spoke. I felt like I didn't want to chase him and force him to talk to me. It's so hard though. I just don't understand how someone with a heart can do this. I was suspecting he may have been cheating on me near the end but even then....ignoring as a way of breaking up just seems so cold and heartless.

 

Some days I feel like I'm getting better...then the next day I feel like it just happened. I don't know how to heal from this and I also don't understand how he can just go off like I never existed. He told me I was his childhood crush and thought about me for over 12 years. His mum also told me he felt that way...so that just makes everything even more confusing.

 

I don't want him back but I feel like I need to know that he remembers me. I also have a part of me that hopes he regrets what he's done or even just feels guilty about how he's gone about this.

 

Has anyone else had this happen to them? And if so...how do you go about healing from a boyfriend/girlfriend that just disappears?

[Jono85]

"He always had a habit of putting his friends first to the point that I wouldn't see him for a month sometimes"

 

I don't believe this was a healthy relationship to begin with. You let your boyfriend not see you for a month at times b/c he was busy hanging with friends?? Is this long distance or something?? That doesn't seem right.

[Nohbody]

I haven't had experience with this. The bright side that immediately comes to mind is: "It could have been worse". I know that can't help very much - but you are probably better off without someone who can't even look you in the eye and tell you they don't want to see you anymore.

 

Focus on yourself, don't concern yourself with what he may or may not be feeling.

[Confusedcompletely]

That was before the last break up and I realised that I was being a doormat. It wasn't really long distance...he lived 30mins away but he's had no car for a lot of our relationship.

 

I put my foot down this time with the intention of not being a doormat again. That's also why I went NC straight away instead of chasing him or begging him.

 

And no it wasn't healthy, that's why I don't really want him back. I still love him though.

[lilyblue]

Has anyone else had this happen to them? And if so...how do you go about healing from a boyfriend/girlfriend that just disappears?

 

I can answer the first part, but not the second. I also got broken up with by my bf disappearing. No acknowledgement, no anything. It REALLY hurts, I know. It's awful.

 

I'm not sure how you go about healing. I haven't yet, and it's been over 6 months.

 

I haven't had experience with this. The bright side that immediately comes to mind is: "It could have been worse".

 

I know you mean well, but I really don't believe it could have. Breaking up with someone by ignoring them is the most disrespectful, cowardly, heartless way to go about things. It leaves the dumpee in a terrible position.

[Confusedcompletely]

 

I'm not sure how you go about healing. I haven't yet, and it's been over 6 months.

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this too. I think one of the hardest things for me (and maybe you too?) is because there's no break up it takes a while to come to terms that there really was a silent break up. So you can't really get your head around the situation for a while...for me it took me a week but I was still in denial for 2 or 3.

 

For the first week and a half I actually thought he might have been seriously hurt and I was so worried for him. I even searched the local news to see if I could find anything Then I saw he was on facebook still and it made me sooo angry. Angry that he was such a coward but angry that for that long I was worried about HIM! He obviously hasn't been worried about me. I also blocked my number and rang him and the call went through.

 

I had a feeling this may take months to get through. I've been dumped like this before, but I was 17 back then and our relationship had only lasted a month. It still hurt but I got over it in around 2 or so months. 3 years later he emailed me to say sorry and I just ignored it. But this relationship was much longer and considering I was supposed to be his childhood crush it just doesn't make sense that he could just disappear. I'm also having to face all the red flags I ignored or just plain didn't see before...that's pretty hard to deal with.

 

Anyway, I hope you manage to heal soon. I'm truly sorry this has happened to you too, I wouldn't wish this on anyone...except maybe my ex so he can find out how it feels

[lilyblue]

I'm so sorry you're going through this too. I think one of the hardest things for me (and maybe you too?) is because there's no break up it takes a while to come to terms that there really was a silent break up. So you can't really get your head around the situation for a while...for me it took me a week but I was still in denial for 2 or 3.

 

For the first week and a half I actually thought he might have been seriously hurt and I was so worried for him. I even searched the local news to see if I could find anything Then I saw he was on facebook still and it made me sooo angry. Angry that he was such a coward but angry that for that long I was worried about HIM! He obviously hasn't been worried about me. I also blocked my number and rang him and the call went through.

 

I had a feeling this may take months to get through. I've been dumped like this before, but I was 17 back then and our relationship had only lasted a month. It still hurt but I got over it in around 2 or so months. 3 years later he emailed me to say sorry and I just ignored it. But this relationship was much longer and considering I was supposed to be his childhood crush it just doesn't make sense that he could just disappear. I'm also having to face all the red flags I ignored or just plain didn't see before...that's pretty hard to deal with.

 

Anyway, I hope you manage to heal soon. I'm truly sorry this has happened to you too, I wouldn't wish this on anyone...except maybe my ex so he can find out how it feels

 

I have SO been there. I too kind of held out hope that he was hurt or something... even though I knew the chances of that were like 1%. So after a few days I drove past his work and his car was there. I decided he probably wasn't deathly ill. And then, just like you, I blocked my number and he answered. Ugh. I hadn't planned what I was going to say. I was so surprised (but not) that he answered that I just hung up. And that's probably when it truly hit me that I had been dumped by being ignored, although it should have been clear to me the second he didn't text me back about getting dinner about 5 days earlier. He is the most technologically responsive person I've ever met. But again, I think I was hoping for a head injury or something...

 

It doesn't make sense to me at all either. Our official dating relationship wasn't that long, but we had been friends for years, and like you, he had told me he had had a crush on me from the first time he met me, recalling the exact time/place everything. It's just such a cowardly move from them.

 

I too have gone through this before, although there were many more red flags with the other guy and I take my fair share of responsibility for that one. I only got over it when he showed back up and apologized (6 months later) so I'm not sure how to progress with this one. Was there anything that helped you the first time that might help you now? I realize the circumstances might be too different, even though they are the same.

 

Hang in there.

[heartonsleeve76]

I just had this happen to me too. Mine is still very fresh, only happened 5 days ago. Although in my case it was at the beginning of a "reconcilliation", at least thats what it appeared to be. Especially with all the I love you's and lets get back together speeches that sounded and seemed so sincere. Wrong.

 

I believe its because someone else came into the picture and they left in that direction and are so cowardly, selfish, and heartless they cant even face you or leave in a normal manner.

 

If someone can do this I can only imagine what other terrible things they are capable of. The picture of leaving you to die on the side of the road comes to mind. I hate to be demonizing my ex but its beyond *****ty. They obviously dont deserve any more thought from us towards them.

 

I have half a mind to send her a message calling her out on this despicable behaviour and burn my bridges for good. After all there is a fine line between love and hate

[Confusedcompletely]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

 

I believe its because someone else came into the picture and they left in that direction and are so cowardly, selfish, and heartless they cant even face you or leave in a normal manner.

 

I believe some one else came into the picture in my case as well. I had that gut feeling that's hard to explain a couple of weeks before hand...but I ignored it. I'm pro at ignoring red flags!!

 

If someone can do this I can only imagine what other terrible things they are capable of. The picture of leaving you to die on the side of the road comes to mind.

 

A similar thing ran through my mind. It's not quite the same but I was so angry that I was worrying about him, searching the local news even to see if he was ok, when he can't even stop to see if I'm ok. I thought "I could be dead and he wouldn't even know". It's a dramatic way to think but yeah...

 

Lilyblue - I can't remember what I did when it happened to me the last time. All I know is I decided that if he didn't have the guts to break up with me that I'd do it. It was 4 weeks after he last spoke to me but it still made me feel better

 

I think the only thing that's helping me feel better, and at least giving me the illusion of progressing and healing, is the hope that this will catch up to him in some way at some time. I don't usually wish bad things on other people but I find myself hoping that someone treats him how he's treated me, and it will make him realise what he's inflicted.

 

I just can't wait to get through the grieving process and feel nothing but indifference.

 

Anyway, again, I'm sorry that the both of you are in some what similar situations. Hopefully something comes your way to help things be a little easier.

[lilyblue]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

 

 

I believe some one else came into the picture in my case as well. I had that gut feeling that's hard to explain a couple of weeks before hand...but I ignored it. I'm pro at ignoring red flags!!

 

 

 

A similar thing ran through my mind. It's not quite the same but I was so angry that I was worrying about him, searching the local news even to see if he was ok, when he can't even stop to see if I'm ok. I thought "I could be dead and he wouldn't even know". It's a dramatic way to think but yeah...

 

Lilyblue - I can't remember what I did when it happened to me the last time. All I know is I decided that if he didn't have the guts to break up with me that I'd do it. It was 4 weeks after he last spoke to me but it still made me feel better

 

I think the only thing that's helping me feel better, and at least giving me the illusion of progressing and healing, is the hope that this will catch up to him in some way at some time. I don't usually wish bad things on other people but I find myself hoping that someone treats him how he's treated me, and it will make him realise what he's inflicted.

 

I just can't wait to get through the grieving process and feel nothing but indifference.

 

Anyway, again, I'm sorry that the both of you are in some what similar situations. Hopefully something comes your way to help things be a little easier.

 

In my case there was someone else too - his exwife. There weren't any red flags for that one. She was actually the furthest thing from my mind, and I like to think I'm fairly observant.

 

I thought about doing the official break up too, even after it was clear what was happening I didn't end up doing it, but I can see how that would put the decision back in your hands.

 

I too hope it will catch up with him. They were married for a couple of years, separated, tried to get back together and failed, got divorced and then are back together again now. Sounds like a recipe for success to me...

 

It's a tough process, for sure. Sometimes I just wish I could have my memory erased. How nice would that be!

[M2155]

Hey I think I can relate as well. My ex was getting very distant and I had become quite a dormat myself- I didn't see this at the time but looking back I let him get away with anything and it was like you said- somehow he always had time for everything he wanted to do and spent tons of time with his friends and the effort toward me was half @ssed at best. It got to the point where I was making 90% of the effort and now I realize he didn't have to make an effort because I was doing it for him- but that's another lesson

 

Anyway, long story short he ended up getting involved with his ex before me for whatever reasons and just pretty much stopped talking to me. Me today would never have let it get that far. Looking back there were so many times something didn't seem right and I should have cut it but you hang on to those highs, cause the highs were unbelievable.

 

I can sort of forgive him but I won't forget. I have decided that no matter how he had broken up with me, it still would have hurt and I still would have gone through the same emotional struggle, so what I feel about how he broke up with me is that he has lost my respect. It's cowardly and there are a lot of things that made me angry, but there is a teeny tiny part of me that will be empathetic and realize it's a very tough and scary thing to look a woman in the eye and tell her you want to be somewhere else-- so I guess he wasn't man enough for me after all. A married guy friend told me that if he runs from something like this, then he probably wouldn't be able to handle some of the challeges life throws as a husband. You don't want to realize that at the time, but he's probably right. My ex is an okay person, but I believe there will be someone is better for me.

 

As for moving on, there is no secret way to trick yourself into being over it. You have to want it, understand all you can from the experience, accept it would never have worked and find a way to forgive in your heart because holding on to it will hold you back. Get around new people, find new hobbies- find a way to make you better. Looking back, I really don't like who I was toward the end of our relationship so one positive is I started looking forward to the future and an opportunity to apply all those lessons learned. I really had to find the self I lost getting consumed in my relationship with my ex.

 

For me I now believe this experience helped me grow and prepare myself to be ready for the right person (who I can't wait to meet). When you can see it that way, I think you will start to embrace moving on.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you, it's not easy. But I hope you will end up stronger and wiser for it...and happier.

Edited April 13, 2012 by M2155

[witchychick]

The guy I started seeing is ignoring me-for the second time. For two weeks,he ignored me and I thought it was because of something I said to him that he didn;t like. Finally on Sunday, he replied to me again. And he told me a story about why he hadn't been talking to me. It sounded like bull and could be. It actually sounds like something from a movie. Anyway, he also told me he missed me and he wouldnt blame me if I hated his guts. And if I don't wanna talk to him{he should know I did as I kept trying to contact him}, I would be greatly missed. He also said he wanted me to be his girlfriend. He talked like possible past tense, I don't know.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to see him, so I told him to come see me and he did. He wasn't mad about anything and I told him I thought I scared him and he said no. He had told me he was going away for 2.5 weeks for a job before he ignored me for 2 weeks. He even told me what shift he would be working. Turns out there was no job. The bull sounding story he told me was basically that his best friend got in trouble with some bad guys, and called him for help. He said he could't help and he told me just because his friend called him, the 'bad guys' showed up at his house. he said after that, they were following people he contacted and he didnt know how they were doing that. This was the reason he gave for not talking to me. Crazy I know. But I was blinded by my feelings for him and just wanted to see him. He is a vegetarian as I am, and he did tell me he had to eat meat where he was actually staying with a friend when he said he was away, cause he said that was all his friend had,so I know its a little thing but it made me wonder if he really went and stayed somewhere else. He told me I dont know the thoughts he had-as in what those alleged guys could have done I guess.

 

I dont know if something else happened and he doesnt wanna tell me what, but I dont know why he is ignoring me. But while he was here, everything seemed ok. I thought back though on how he acted when I asked when I would see him again. He started to say something and I asked him about it, and he told me I could see him when I wanted and he asked what I was doing that day and the next. And he told me he was busy that day, and he didn't try to make plans with me.

 

My bday is in a few weeks and he told me he had a surprise for me for after my birthday. he said it was related to a tattoo he got, and I asked him if it was good and he smiled and shook his head yes. So it seemed like he really did have a surprise for me. I kissed him before he left and he kissed me back and said he missed me. I offered to call and wake him up at 9:30 Monday morning,and he told me to as well after I offered. When I called, he didn't answer and he emailed me and said he was up and he smiled and said he couldnt talk then, he was where he was going. I said oh ok and that he told me to call him at 9:30 so I did. I never heard back from him. I have tried and tried contacting him and he won't reply. It's bizarre and I don't know why he is doing this. He als was just sitting outside in the car when he came and when I asked if he wanted to come in,he said can I? and he did for a bit but couldn't stay long. We didnt have sex but he is staying with his Mom right now,and apparently shares her car and he said he had to get it back for her. I dont know. This is just horrible and cruel, He should say *something*. And he knows he already put me thru this before and came back sort of for a minute and is gone again already, just hours after he talked to me again for a bit and came to see me.

[witchychick]

I know he's ok,too because he has been on facebook.

[M2155]

............witchychick you do realize that sounds crazy right? You are trying way too hard and accepting excuses that just don't feel right. A person who wants to be with you will not dodge and ignore you. When your intuition is telling you something is wrong, it's probably right to listen.

[witchychick]

Yes I realize his story sounds crazy. I was blinded by my feelings for him, didn't know if it was true, and just wanted to see him. I had been miserable those 2 weeks and I missed him. I know a person wont ignore you if they want to be with you. I just don;'t know why he is ignoring me and this is bizarre.

[witchychick]

I had some thoughts,too. He continued to email me and told me he would call me but never did after he told me he was going away for this job that didnt exist. And he told me the story about the job supposedly because he stopped communicating ,supposedly because of the alleged guys. If his story about the alleged guys was true, wouldn't he have been afraid to e-mail me the next day as he did? Since again, he told me that was the reason he didn't talk to me for those two weeks. Things were fine or seemingly so until I said something he didn;t like. But he said I didn't scare him and again, claimed these alleged guys were the reason he wasn't talking to me. If the truth was that he just didn't wanna see me anymore, I came on too strong for him, or he got what he wanted, why at least bother to make up such lies and say he missed me and come to see me at all, and only to start ignoring me again a few hours after he leaves here? Why not just ignore me without telling such lies or something? Some of you may say just move on, he doesnt want you but I am just confused because I am the one in this situation and if anyone else was in a situation like this, I would think they would be like wtf,too and it would drive them crazy. You would also want to know why and try to figure it out. It's just so bizarre, and I've never been in a situation quite like this before. Not to mention I unfortunately developed feelings for him, and thought we had a connection as he supposedly did,too. We also seemed to have more in common than any other guy I met before.

[witchychick]

he told me he told his Mom the same story,too and she didnt believe him