Urgent! Emotional Affair Needed!

[Ceaser]

I have posted under another thread regarding the hell I am going through at the moment:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/321084-its-all-gone-pete-tong

 

In a nutshell my wife has been having an emotional affair with a 20 year old. She is 40 I am 42. She has denied that she is having an affair but I have discovered proof in the form of a letter which I found from her to him. I am convinced that it is an emotional affair but as she is in the process of moving out I get the feel it will become a lot more then an emotional affair.

 

Tonight will be the last night she will spend in our flat, but I don't know whether to speak her regarding the evidence or not. If I do confront her I am not going to fly off the handle, I just really want to know everything. I am just wondering whether for closure sake whether talking to her with what I have discovered is a good idea or not?

[K Os]

What would you gain? What have you got to lose?

 

You say you're convinced, and you have proof. Your instinct will prove to be absolutely right about 9 times out of 10. You'll probably know for sure quite soon after she goes. And you'll probably be somewhere in that 9.

 

So what you stand to gain really is an honest confession, isn't it? How likely is that? The important thing is to minimize your own pain. Which would hurt you less? Choose that.

[tojaz]

Not at this point Ceasar. You will not get the closure your looking for from her, she is still deep in the affair fog and all you will get for your efforts are justifications, lies, and more questions.

 

That doesn't mean its the end of the road, just not the right play, and shes going either way, weather its to him or just by herself.

 

Most times as and much as we hate to admit it, an affair is a symptom, not a root cause. Try and put your efforts there, where they will do the most good. There will be a time to confront her with all that you know.

 

TOJAZ

[elfman]

Hey Ceaser,

 

I agree, say nothing. You already have the copy of the letter, save it as leverage. Make her take the damn xbox with her too...

 

I am sorry you're going through this bud, but stay strong, you are not alone.

 

E.

[elfman]

I`d say something... you have proof.

 

Confront her, ask her. then she what she say`s.

 

Why ignore it????

Why put up with it?

 

Ostrich, head, sand...springs to mind

 

From the other post (his main story) he's clearly done with taking the hurt. She will not confess... Today I found some stuff out about my wife and while talking to my sister she told me "Listen, you could catch me in bed with a guy and I would not confess to it", when referring to whether or not my wife could confess to me some past indiscretions, so forget about it, the letter, (which he transcribed in the main post) says nothing incriminating since it does not address anyone in particular, it could be called off as a prayer... unless I missed the point entirely.

 

I would hang tough and wait for more proof to develop when she moves out. Give her the wings to fly to this guy then make sure you're ready to cut them off from under her when she really does something you can prove. Calling her on the letter will make her more cautious, and harder for you to get proof at all... just save it somewhere safe.

 

E.

[2sunny]

Yes, I'd say something. But I wouldn't ask her like she's going to admit it.

 

I'd say it like I did when I caught my exH cheating.

 

I said " I know about your gal so don't bother coming come."

 

I'd state the obvious - without it being an argument.

[robf1971]

I have posted under another thread regarding the hell I am going through at the moment:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/321084-its-all-gone-pete-tong

 

In a nutshell my wife has been having an emotional affair with a 20 year old. She is 40 I am 42. She has denied that she is having an affair but I have discovered proof in the form of a letter which I found from her to him. I am convinced that it is an emotional affair but as she is in the process of moving out I get the feel it will become a lot more then an emotional affair.

 

Tonight will be the last night she will spend in our flat, but I don't know whether to speak her regarding the evidence or not. If I do confront her I am not going to fly off the handle, I just really want to know everything. I am just wondering whether for closure sake whether talking to her with what I have discovered is a good idea or not?

 

Some sterling advice here. It's pointless to confront, you know she'll justify it a million different ways. The more you argue about it the more she's going to think your an a hole because in her head it's totally the right thing to be doing.

 

Let her have this 20 year old (make sure you tell his GF though). Let her have the whole football team if she wants. Do not entertain ANY contact, do not answer ANY calls. You have no kids so all there is left to talk about is finance. If she starts asking questions about money etc, just email her your solicitors contact details.

[Ceaser]

Okay, I just experienced the weirdest weekend. She said she was going to stay Friday night. So I assumed she would be home first so I popped a goodbye letter, which also detailed what I had found regarding this other guy and left it sticking out of her bag. She had forgotten her keys so I ended up coming home a bit earlier then I thought I would and let us both in.

 

That night she was in tears and said how much she missed me and we hugged and held hands. My 180 completely went out of the window this weekend. She also asked if she could come and see the Marriage Guidance Counselor which is something she was really against doing before. She is now talking more about separation and less so about divorce.

 

I am pretty sure she didn't get to read my letter because I got rid of it at an opportune moment as it was quite deep and heavy and if she read it our weekend would have taken a completely different turn. On Saturday morning we went out for breakfast and then a drink on Saturday afternoon and we flirted with each other and talked. She also stayed Saturday night. In fact the whole weekend was great apart from a couple of prickly moments and one of them was went she bought up how I had made her cry in the the first week she moved in when we got married and this was something I have apologized to her before but she seems to still harbour resentment about. During that point her demeanor and posture turned into haughty and slightly Mrs Hyde so I backed completely away.

 

She did also bring about where my career was heading and that was to do with a couple of job interviews I managed to finally get for this week after a few months of unemployment. One of them is not badly paid but not brilliant and she seemed concerned about us being able to achieve some of her dreams for example going on holiday more and going out for dinner more. This pissed me off and it seems really shallow of her because she has spent months in our marriage being unemployed and also switching to part time work and I always gave her my unwavering support during these times. We are also both swimming in debt. She seemed more concerned about how much I was going to be earning in a job then the more important things like real happiness, children and security then I really don't think I am interested in getting back together with her.

 

Plus the job market is absolutely awful out there for a lots of people and I really need a job. This is something that will need to be talked about again because I feel that this is an incredibly shallow and materialistic attitude.

 

Over the weekend we did make jokes about how we had to keep our break in seperation after two days secret from her friends and family. One of her friends being the divorcee who had an affair causing her marriage to end and my wife was adamant that we didn't tell her. We both feel like we are both cheating on her friend :-). She also invited me to come to her new apartment sometime this week.

 

I am 90% certain that the emotional affair was never consummated. I also know from reading from some of the people in the forums that when the other half finally agrees to see an MC that it is basically used as an excuse to end the marriage or to do a number on their partner.

 

We did both agree that our childhoods were messed up, hers more then mine and that this could be the root of a lot of the problems in our marriage, but we have both agreed that we both need professional help to try and stop them impacting on our marriage. I also admit that I have possible control and co-dependency issues. I know that this is probably the start of a mad roller-coaster ride for me and one where I think I need to go back to the 180 for my own personal growth and sanity, until we start getting help and hopefully she won't change her mind about this.

 

One sticky point came when she asked if I had seen the letter I wrote and left sticking out of her bag on Friday night, which was in the same pocket as the draft "love" letter to this other mystery man. I am pretty sure she did not get to read my letter and I did have to deny all knowledge of it.

 

Also having implemented the 180 and done fairly well at sticking to it at least for the majority of the time I think it has had a good impact on both my inner strength and her attitude towards me. I am also looking at getting us both a good book on trying to sort out marriage problems. Has anyone read Divorce Busters or are there any other books people here could recommend? Apart from trying to improve my marriage and resolve our difficulties I do really hope that we can get back together but I am prepared for it not to work out as well.

 

Also her adulterous divorcee friend who appears to be some kind of marriage guru to my wife, invites us to Thanksgiving dinner every year and I would really like to be going to that this year, just to see the frigging look on her stupid face.

 

Elfman, I can't give her the Xbox because my PVR/Tivo thing broke on the day she left and although I don't watch a lot of telly the Xbox is now the only way I can do catch up with the programmes I watch :-).

 

Also thank you all for your input regarding confronting her. Although I am an Agnostic I think that God may have intervened in this one by making her forget her keys and allowing me to dispose of the letter I wrote.

[Ceaser]

Coopster.

 

Thanks for your reply. I think that the letter I wrote was really over the top and because of how fragile things have been between us, it would not have helped matters. I am generally honest but looking back on it I think the letter would have completely detonated any chance of a reconciliation between us.

 

I agree we both do need helping together regarding our childhood issues, but do you mean with a professional or by ourselves? I do read a lot of negative things about MC's. We went to one years ago, but I think we stopped going too early. I am prepared to try anything to get our marriage to work as we can function brilliantly together, but she seems to have a lot of secret resentments towards me and I never seem to find out about them until it is too late. I have issues about her too but I express my feelings about these issues to her they are just ignored. I think we do have a lot of communication issues which need to be resolved and I admit that there is a lot I probably could have done better in our marriage.

[tojaz]

 

in bold...( someone pleeeeeease show me how to multi quote!!!)

 

 

Multiple threads, use the plus sign button by the quote. Other wise just Copy and place the (>>

<<) and the (>>

<<)

 

Coopster.

 

Thanks for your reply. I think that the letter I wrote was really over the top and because of how fragile things have been between us, it would not have helped matters. I am generally honest but looking back on it I think the letter would have completely detonated any chance of a reconciliation between us.

 

I agree we both do need helping together regarding our childhood issues, but do you mean with a professional or by ourselves? I do read a lot of negative things about MC's. We went to one years ago, but I think we stopped going too early. I am prepared to try anything to get our marriage to work as we can function brilliantly together, but she seems to have a lot of secret resentments towards me and I never seem to find out about them until it is too late. I have issues about her too but I express my feelings about these issues to her they are just ignored. I think we do have a lot of communication issues which need to be resolved and I admit that there is a lot I probably could have done better in our marriage.

 

Ceasar, I don't think it was a bad move to hide the letter from her at this point. Things are taking a turn and I'm imagining that by "over the top" your saying you wrote it from an angry place that became unappropriate after things took a turn.

 

It also sounds like shes a little worried about how much she may or may not have shared as well.

 

Coop is exactly right, Marriage takes two, and i also agree that you need to look out for yourself, but right now it sounds like she may be willing to give it a shot, the field has changed. Take her up on seeing the counselor, that is your best chance right now. Don't hesitate, as it seems she has negative influences acting on her, but do not pressure her either, this change of heart is most likely still quite fragile.

 

Define `secret resentments` ??

Second that!

 

 

TOJAZ

Edited April 16, 2012 by tojaz

[Ceaser]

Thanks Guys,

 

I know that it takes two to fix a marriage and it feels a bit more positive that she wants to go to counseling with me. A couple of examples of the "secret resentments" a couple of months ago I asked her to feed our pets as I had pretty much run around doing most of the housework as normal, she didn't and then about half an hour later I asked her again and she said she was having a hypo (she is diabetic). She said that when she recovered from her hypo I went to the kitchen got the pet food and slammed down the bowls. I guess I was annoyed by this for a few minutes and then I completely forgot about it.

 

I think the reason why I was annoyed was that I find myself running around and doing everything here and i get little to no support. I do try and support her support through her illness and will often run to the kitchen for her when she is having a hypo in the middle of the night and see that she is okay. I also wrote to one of the top diabetes hospitals in the country to try and get her condition treated there and she is now registered with them. She gets ill a fair bit (other medical conditions as well) and I do feel for her, but I find that if I ask her to do something she will say I will do it in my own time, she will normally say this while she is watching something on telly or playing a game. What will then sometimes happen is the next day she gets ill and I end up having to do whatever I asked her to do.

 

Another resentment she has is that we have a joint account where I tell how much she needs to put in from her wages every month for rent/food/bills etc and I put in the same amount. She always wanted all of our wages to go into the joint account and to do a budget, but unfortunately I could never bring myself to do this as she never opens her bank statements or credit card bills and has on more then one occasions got her accounts in problems and I have had to bail her out. She never seemed to know how much money she didn't have. I noticed in the last few months that she has got better at looking at her bank statements and taking a bit more responsibility about her finances and I my plan was that as soon as I was working as well again that I would be prepared for us both to start putting all of our money into a joint account.

 

There are other things she is resentful over but a lot of the ones she mentioned recently is some of the things I said to her when she said she wanted a divorce. One of the things I did then was change my mind about moving out and I had decided that she should move out for various reasons including the fact that I thought that as she was giving up on the marriage that she should be the one who moved out. Also I did not want her accusing me of emotionally abandoning her as she has abandonment issues and if there was one thing I would not allow her to accuse me of was abandoning her. I did not allow a discussion on who should move out and this pissed her off.

 

I think the problem we have is that I will run around and do anything for her and look after her and I think that her expectations of me are so high that when I fail it is a black mark against me and I don't get to find out about a lot of these black marks until it is too late.

[Ceaser]

BTW the letter I wrote was a heartfelt one more then an angry one.