Wife kicked me out, doesn't know if she loves me

[Cody N]

My wife and I married at the age of 20 and one year later had our first child. It hasn't been an easy ride. For years I have been depressed and after getting kicked out I went to the doctor and found out that I have a chemical imbalance and bad anxiety. I'm now on medication and in therapy and doing much better. For me my biggest issue has always been my temper and anger. I finally have it under control.

 

My wife has also been depressed for a long time and didn't grow up in a stable environment. Her Bi-polar mother moved in with us 3 years ago and we all shared a small 2 bedroom apartment. The past 3 years I have been unemployed, but doing school and I had issues with my back and weight. We are both heavy set so this wasn't an issue. Although since this all began I have even drastically changed my eating and I now walk all the time.

 

My wife says that she wants to try and work things out, but that she is still confused on whether or not she loves me. She has also admitted she is scared to go to marriage counseling. She hasn't started therapy on her own yet, but she made an apt. this week. She says she needs to figure out what she feels before she can even think about us. She doesn't seem fully convinced that I have a chemical imbalance and questions whether or not I have really changed. She maintains that she is sure that no matter what she wants to be best friends still, but right now doesn't seem to want to talk to me. She has stated right now she doesn't want to see other people, although she put it as "Right now I don't want to be with anybody."

 

Sorry for the huge post but all of this is very confusing to me and I'm sure from reading it most would understand why. Right now we agreed to just be there for our child together and try and talk only as friends on the phone, asking each other about our days and making small talk. On Facebook she hardly acknowledges me anymore and in general she just seems to want to have nothing to do with me right now, but she says she wants to always be best friends. Please people I need advice lol.

[january2011]

I'm sorry you're going through this. All you can do is focus on yourself and your life as well as that of your child. Your wife needs space to figure out what she wants to do. I suggest that you give her that space. I also think that it would be prudent to speak to a lawyer so that you know where you stand legally.

[elfman]

Hey man, sorry to hear of your situation. I think your wife hardly (unless she is a psychologist) has the right to question a professional's diagnosis. You went to the doctor for your treatment. As to her kicking you out, and you accepting, I think it might've been a mistake. I see a lot of posts here saying basically "The walker does the walking", meaning if you want to leave, leave.

 

I think Mc might work for you guys, but definitely give her space. Read about 180 and NC and maybe implement those strats to your advantage.

 

Keep working on your diet and yourself, you will enjoy the results regardless of what happens... DO NOT LET YOURSELF take steps back because you WILL be depressed and emotional about all this, but stay strong buddy, you are not alone.

 

E.

[K Os]

Hi Cody, I'm really sorry to hear of your troubles. Depression is a really difficult thing on its own, and doubly difficult in any relationship. When both people are suffering from it, it becomes very hard to see the wood for the trees. Both my wife and I have suffered from it at different times in our marriage, she mostly after the birth of our child. It's good to hear that you're getting professional help, and that she is taking steps in that direction too. In my personal view, I wouldn't put any pressure on the decision to go to marriage counselling until she has spent some time in individual therapy and really wants to go to MC with you. That's just my own opinion. I persuaded my wife to come to MC with me very soon after she said she wanted to leave, and it really didn't help - we were just coming at it from totally different angles. With hindsight I can see that she needs to resolve a lot of her own stuff before we would get any benefit from MC. I say this having been in individual therapy for some months myself, which is helping me. If she says she wants to try and work things out, and needs to understand her own feelings, then these are actually positives for you, and her own therapy may be just what she needs. I agree with the other posters - just give her the space to do that. I understand her attitude, "Right now I don't want to be with anybody". My wife seems to be in the same frame of mind. Again, this is actually a positive for you, though I know it doesn't feel like it. My own therapist asked me which I would prefer, a wife who is confused about what she wants and doesn't want anyone in her life right now, or a wife who definitely wants other men but not me any more.

 

If she doubts your diagnosis it should be fairly easy to show her a written medical opinion. Maybe ask your doctor for one and tell him why? You could then offer to show it to her, just calmly, if it would help.

 

It's great that you're still talking as friends, and that you're both there for your child. That really is the most important thing. I would say if you've got both those things, and she's going to therapy, and she just wants some space to figure things out, then you're in better shape than you might think. Take it easy, don't pressure her, give it time, and hope for the best. There are no guarantees and no crystal balls, but the best sometimes happens.

 

Good luck, and hang in there.