relationships

[flawless29]

my ex of six years ago, who was my 1st love and i her 1st love, is now texting me saying she isnt happy in her relationship of 4 years, and she wants to see if things can move forward with us, she asked me to go an meet her but then after a day changed her mind and said she couldnt do it to her fella and baby, now another day on and she says she will end it with her fella so that we can be together, i have got all the feelings flooding back that i had six years ago, and i dont know what to think cuz she has changed her mind once, and then back again, we have talked for hours about the future, of what could be, married, kids, the lot, but is this just talk? i live 50 miles away from her now,i dont know what to say or do now,please help.. any thourghts??

[KathyM]

If she has a baby with this guy, I suggest you not encourage her to leave him. It would be better for the baby if she tried to work it out with the baby's dad. I suggest you try to encourage her to work it out with him for the sake of her child, and not interfere with their relationship.

[january2011]

My initial thoughts are not to go there and to go NC.

 

She's not single and re-connecting, she's still with someone. Plus there's a child involved.

 

It sounds as though she's looking for an excuse to leave and wants to use you to make sure she has a safe landing. If she has problems with her relationship, she needs to sort those out first rather than bringing someone else into the picture. It's unfair on everyone involved. And she's already changed her mind once, which leads me to think that she could easily change her mind again.

 

Do you really want to be someone's excuse for leaving a relationship? I wouldn't call that love, I'd call that being used. You're allowing yourself to be the 'other man' in this situation.

[flawless29]

thanks for your help, i have a child myself, and at the start of us chatting said i wud not do what has happened to me, my partner of 5 years cheated, didnt think about our child, so i no how it feels, but its very difficult to stop the feelings and just forget, i told her to try work things out, whats best for the child, but she said the relationship is not good and wud be better if she left him, i dont want to split a family up, and ive sed that, but she keeps saying i wudnt be, but i take your views on board,thanks,

[flawless29]

i understand your views and it is wrong to want to be with some1 who is in a relationship, but how do you just stop your feeling when they never went away anyway, just hid for awhile, im in a really bad situation, i wish things were simple, but they never are,

[flawless29]

thanks for your help, i have a child myself, and at the start of us chatting said i wud not do what has happened to me, my partner of 5 years cheated, didnt think about our child, so i no how it feels, but its very difficult to stop the feelings and just forget, i told her to try work things out, whats best for the child, but she said the relationship is not good and wud be better if she left him, i dont want to split a family up, and ive sed that, but she keeps saying i wudnt be, but i take your views on board,thanks,

 

i understand your views and it is wrong to want to be with some1 who is in a relationship, but how do you just stop your feeling when they never went away anyway, just hid for awhile, im in a really bad situation, i wish things were simple, but they never are,

[january2011]

You focus on your child and doing what's right.

 

You have the idealism that comes from being each other's first loves. However, since then, 'real life' has happened. You both have children and she has a partner. And having been in the partner's situation, you are well aware of what the consequences would be if you pursued this relationship right now. You need to be firm, stand your ground and insist that you will not knowingly come between her and her partner. Refuse to be an excuse for her to run away from her problems.

 

Who is to say that when the going gets to tough between the two of you, she won't do the same thing and look elsewhere for her 'happiness'?

 

She has unfinished business and if this guy is also the father of her child, it's going to get very messy if you get involved. Tell her what you need to and then go NC - insist that she only contacts you when she's sorted out her problems.

[TaraMaiden]

i wish things were simple, but they never are,

Actually, things are very simple.

 

Tell her you will not entertain any thought of a reconciliation until she is finished with her current guy and out of that relationship...

 

....and if she wants to get back together with you, you both attend counselling to prevent yourselves making the same mistakes all over again, and learn techniques on how to improve and establish effective and constructive communication.

 

It really is that simple.

Start with fixed ground rules, or this will be built on shifting sands.

[KathyM]

I'm going to have to disagree with these other two ladies here in that I don't think you should be giving this woman the impression that you will be available or waiting or willing to see her as soon as she leaves her bf. That will only give her the impression that you will be there for her if she leaves, and it will encourage her to leave. Just tell her you think she should work on her relationship and put her baby's needs first--and that is to have an intact family, and that you don't want to do anything to break up a family, so you would like her to stop contacting you.

[TaraMaiden]

he's not doing anything to break up a family.

 

From his account, she is saying that that is already a happening thing, which is why she is back in contact with him.

Hence my recommendations to him, to have nothing to do with her until she has separated from her now-partner.

 

she may never do that.

[TaraMaiden]

I'm going to have to disagree with these other two ladies here in that I don't think you should be giving this woman the impression that you will be available or waiting or willing to see her as soon as she leaves her bf. That will only give her the impression that you will be there for her if she leaves, and it will encourage her to leave. Just tell her you think she should work on her relationship and put her baby's needs first--and that is to have an intact family, and that you don't want to do anything to break up a family, so you would like her to stop contacting you.

 

KathyM, i'm sorry - but did you actually bother reading the posts correctly - ?!?

 

You focus on your child and doing what's right.

You have the idealism that comes from being each other's first loves. However, since then, 'real life' has happened. You both have children and she has a partner. And having been in the partner's situation, you are well aware of what the consequences would be if you pursued this relationship right now. You need to be firm, stand your ground and insist that you will not knowingly come between her and her partner. Refuse to be an excuse for her to run away from her problems.

 

Who is to say that when the going gets to tough between the two of you, she won't do the same thing and look elsewhere for her 'happiness'?

 

She has unfinished business and if this guy is also the father of her child, it's going to get very messy if you get involved. Tell her what you need to and then go NC - insist that she only contacts you when she's sorted out her problems.

 

Actually, things are very simple.

 

Tell her you will not entertain any thought of a reconciliation until she is finished with her current guy and out of that relationship...

 

....and if she wants to get back together with you, you both attend counselling to prevent yourselves making the same mistakes all over again, and learn techniques on how to improve and establish effective and constructive communication.

 

It really is that simple.

Start with fixed ground rules, or this will be built on shifting sands.

[KathyM]

he's not doing anything to break up a family.

 

From his account, she is saying that that is already a happening thing, which is why she is back in contact with him.

Hence my recommendations to him, to have nothing to do with her until she has separated from her now-partner.

 

she may never do that.

She's still with her partner and her family is still intact. He really shouldn't be talking to her at all. She is feeling him out as to whether she would have a future with him if she left her bf. By giving her the impression that he'll be available if she decides to leave is helping to break up a family. He should tell her he doesn't want to have anything to do with breaking up a family, and not give her the impression he'll be waiting for her when she leaves.

[biermadchen]

I just figger there's a reason you guys didn't end up together in the first place...and you don't really know why her current situation isn't working (you're only hearing her side). If she's willing to do that to the father of her child, you'd be in the middle of it regardless, and you'd be subjecting your own child to whatever chaos ensues. Just doesn't seem worth it, no matter how lovwly the memory/fantasy of that first love. If she's free and then contacts you and you're still interested, that's another matter. But yeah, she shouldn't be contacting you like this...