second chance - gone

[beyond]

Hi, my first post although have been reading for a while - especially the G.I.G.S stuff as it's what I always believed my ex had 6 years ago when we broke up - I actually remember saying to him at the time 'it's like you always think the grass is greener' - didn't know it was an actual syndrome!

 

So we dated for about a year and broke up 6 years ago - he broke up with me, saying he wasn't even sure why. I had forced the issue in a way as I could feel he was getting cooler. Before that it was the most amazing relationship I'd ever had, in every way. He was on the verge of moving to another city a few hours away and in my head I felt he needed to go off and sow his wild oats and then, hopefully come back to me. He was 23 when we first met and were friends before we dated and then 25 when he left.

 

He did this, went completely wild in many ways. He did and said some very hurtful things when we split up which resulted in me going completely NC, changed my number, moved home made sure all his emails were forwarded to another folder without me reading or seeing them.

 

I tried to get over him, I couldn't. For the first time ever I realised I truely loved someone and he was gone. I went into deep depression, got therapy which slowly helped and gradually got a grip but never forgot him or stopped thinking about him.

 

To cut a long story short, a year ago I looked at the folder I had forwarded any emails from him too and there were over 400 emails in there that he'd written over the years. The most recent were the most poignant - saying he never stopped thinking about me and he regretted everyday letting me go and I was the love of his life and he was sorry for everything he did when we split. I read all this and my heart lifted and he also then added that in his 'wild' phase he got someone pregnant and did the 'right' thing by marrying her.

 

So, he is married with two children and unhappy. I emailed him to say I forgave him for the stuff he'd done and wished him well. He replied within minutes full of how much he missed me, wanted to meet up with me etc. I said no because he was married but he insisted it was over and he was splitting up. We carried on emailing and eventually met up early this year.

 

Nothing physical has happened between us as he is married (my insistance) but obviously the emotional 'cheating' weighs heavy. He tells me he is getting a divorce and wants to be with me and was quite understanding at first that I didn't want to sleep with him until he was divorced but that changed last week when I saw him for the 4th time. The chemistry is amazing between us and I want him so much but would like to keep it non sexual until he is divorced.

 

After meeting up last week he sent me a text saying I was so stupid and should just go with it - that he will get a divorce and we have wasted enough time already. He left it that he wouldn't contact me until I agree to take a risk. He doubts that I love him (not true) and says he wants actions not words. I now feel as if I have to sleep with him to prove that I love him! I replied to him stating that I do love him and have nothing to prove, I just want him to be divorced before we can properly be together. I haven't heard from him for 4 days now - we usually text/email many times each day so this is killing me.

[confused kitty]

Beyond - Do NOT sleep with this guy (at least until he has left his wife) you have nothing to prove to him, he was the one that left you all those years ago so if anything its him that should be doing all the proving here, not you!

 

You say you feel guilty about the "emotional cheating" so how would you feel if you actually slept with the guy?

And how would you feel if you did agree to sleep with him and he strung you along for another few months telling you he was going to get a divorce and then he turns around and drops you again?? - How hurt and used would you feel then?

 

My advice is to tell him you do love him but that this can not continue until he is at least seperated from his wife, and not to contact you again until he is in such a position.

 

I know its hard when you love him but imagine how much worse you would feel if he just used and dumped you... It will cut deep but I promise you it wont be anywhere near as bad as the pain you will feel if you let this happen, if he refuses to leave his wife (not that Im supporting this) then you know he didnt truely love you and therefor not worthy of your time or love...

 

Hope that will be of some help to you, but possibly not what you wanted to hear! Sorry

[wannabdone]

WHOA! That is a painful story, and I am sorry for you.

 

But, seriously??? Do grown men use that line... "I want actions"...meaning you must put out. That is quite a douche bag statement.

 

Send him an email and tell him that YOU WANT ACTIONS...and when he is D to look you up. Until then see ya.

 

You have cut off contact with this guy before, and you can do it now. You have to.

 

That action statement is a HUGE RED FLAG. Be very careful here girl. It has been 6 years... ppl do change. Chemistry might still be there, sure...but you really don't KNOW this man like you used to.

[PeineDeCoeur]

Hi, my first post although have been reading for a while - especially the G.I.G.S stuff as it's what I always believed my ex had 6 years ago when we broke up - I actually remember saying to him at the time 'it's like you always think the grass is greener' - didn't know it was an actual syndrome!

 

So we dated for about a year and broke up 6 years ago - he broke up with me, saying he wasn't even sure why. I had forced the issue in a way as I could feel he was getting cooler. Before that it was the most amazing relationship I'd ever had, in every way. He was on the verge of moving to another city a few hours away and in my head I felt he needed to go off and sow his wild oats and then, hopefully come back to me. He was 23 when we first met and were friends before we dated and then 25 when he left.

 

He did this, went completely wild in many ways. He did and said some very hurtful things when we split up which resulted in me going completely NC, changed my number, moved home made sure all his emails were forwarded to another folder without me reading or seeing them.

 

I tried to get over him, I couldn't. For the first time ever I realised I truely loved someone and he was gone. I went into deep depression, got therapy which slowly helped and gradually got a grip but never forgot him or stopped thinking about him.

 

To cut a long story short, a year ago I looked at the folder I had forwarded any emails from him too and there were over 400 emails in there that he'd written over the years. The most recent were the most poignant - saying he never stopped thinking about me and he regretted everyday letting me go and I was the love of his life and he was sorry for everything he did when we split. I read all this and my heart lifted and he also then added that in his 'wild' phase he got someone pregnant and did the 'right' thing by marrying her.

 

So, he is married with two children and unhappy. I emailed him to say I forgave him for the stuff he'd done and wished him well. He replied within minutes full of how much he missed me, wanted to meet up with me etc. I said no because he was married but he insisted it was over and he was splitting up. We carried on emailing and eventually met up early this year.

 

Nothing physical has happened between us as he is married (my insistance) but obviously the emotional 'cheating' weighs heavy. He tells me he is getting a divorce and wants to be with me and was quite understanding at first that I didn't want to sleep with him until he was divorced but that changed last week when I saw him for the 4th time. The chemistry is amazing between us and I want him so much but would like to keep it non sexual until he is divorced.

 

After meeting up last week he sent me a text saying I was so stupid and should just go with it - that he will get a divorce and we have wasted enough time already. He left it that he wouldn't contact me until I agree to take a risk. He doubts that I love him (not true) and says he wants actions not words. I now feel as if I have to sleep with him to prove that I love him! I replied to him stating that I do love him and have nothing to prove, I just want him to be divorced before we can properly be together. I haven't heard from him for 4 days now - we usually text/email many times each day so this is killing me.

 

Please don't see him in person again until he has separated!

 

You have nothing to prove, and nothing to lose. This stinks of manipulation. I'd actually be VERY curious if he's pulled this before - has he cheated previous to this? You might want to find out.

 

Having sex will only make you feel MORE attached - not a good idea. Don't put yourself in this position. I know - how hard it is to give up on amazing chemistry. But what good is that if he's still committed to another? You will only get 1/8 of a man, which is never, never enough. Then you will feel even worse. Don't Do It, Girl!!!!

[LasVegasGuy]

Beyond - Do NOT sleep with this guy (at least until he has left his wife) you have nothing to prove to him, he was the one that left you all those years ago so if anything its him that should be doing all the proving here, not you!

 

You say you feel guilty about the "emotional cheating" so how would you feel if you actually slept with the guy?

And how would you feel if you did agree to sleep with him and he strung you along for another few months telling you he was going to get a divorce and then he turns around and drops you again?? - How hurt and used would you feel then?

 

My advice is to tell him you do love him but that this can not continue until he is at least seperated from his wife, and not to contact you again until he is in such a position.

 

I know its hard when you love him but imagine how much worse you would feel if he just used and dumped you... It will cut deep but I promise you it wont be anywhere near as bad as the pain you will feel if you let this happen, if he refuses to leave his wife (not that Im supporting this) then you know he didnt truely love you and therefor not worthy of your time or love...

 

Hope that will be of some help to you, but possibly not what you wanted to hear! Sorry

 

100% agreed. Do not sleep with this guy, looks like he is trying to make you the flavor of the weak or even is just looking to get some either way he can.

 

Make him work for it, even if that means him divorcing his wife.

Me personally I would not break up his relationship or atlest have my name say in it, as remember how hurt you were, I would never want wish that on anyone, even though it might happen regardless.

[Nohbody]

Yeah, this guy sounds like a real winner and totally worth the emotional turmoil you are putting yourself through, he will put his wife and kids through, etc.

 

Oh wait. No. Not at all.

[SidLyon]

I agree with what others have said. He is the one who needs to take action.

 

Why don't you just talk to his wife? If you talk to her, then you'll find out soon enough if they are divorcing. If it's all above board then you should be able to tell her that after she and he are divorced, you and he will be together.

 

If she know nothing about it then you have your answer.

 

If you are unwilling to talk to her that that means you already know the score.

[happyme]

agree with all the above. Incredibly disrespectful behaviour from him there.... wow. Seriously, please: don't go there. Start to see him differently... he's not nice. Sorry. All the very best x

[2sure]

Tell him that actions, not words, are exactly what your waiting for.

He needs to File for divorce.

 

It's not much to ask given his apparent feelings for you. All these years. No doubt, especially since the second child came along.

 

Don't let him play you like this.

[alexandria35]

Agree with everyone else, he sounds like a desperate high school boy with his 'if you love me you will prove it and go all the way' manipulation tactic. You find this guy attractive? He shouldn't be telling you that he won't see you until you're ready to put out, you should be telling him you won't see him until he's divorced.

[Gentlegirl2]

Tell him if he loves you he will wait until his divorce is final....

 

Don't think there will be a D at all.

 

Seriously, tell him to grow up and stop using emotional black mail to get what he wants.

 

Could it be you are still in love with the boy you knew way back when? Sounds like he hasn't changed a great deal

GG

[2sunny]

Don't even respond or see him until his divorce is FINAL!

 

You've already said you wouldn't do certain things - then went ahead and did them.

 

Start by doing what you say and saying what you will or won't do.

 

If your actions don't match your words - it makes you the liar. Start keeping your word - its important for your integrity!

[Follower]

Wow, he sounds just cheerie guy to be around.

 

Making demands that UNREASONABLE?

 

Hes basically calling you a prostitute, you reaslise that?

 

His payment for your sex, a divorce? What will it be next? And thats assuming he will pay?

 

Frankly get him told and tell him fast...

[beyond]

Beyond - Do NOT sleep with this guy (at least until he has left his wife) you have nothing to prove to him, he was the one that left you all those years ago so if anything its him that should be doing all the proving here, not you!

 

You say you feel guilty about the "emotional cheating" so how would you feel if you actually slept with the guy?

And how would you feel if you did agree to sleep with him and he strung you along for another few months telling you he was going to get a divorce and then he turns around and drops you again?? - How hurt and used would you feel then?

 

My advice is to tell him you do love him but that this can not continue until he is at least seperated from his wife, and not to contact you again until he is in such a position.

 

I know its hard when you love him but imagine how much worse you would feel if he just used and dumped you... It will cut deep but I promise you it wont be anywhere near as bad as the pain you will feel if you let this happen, if he refuses to leave his wife (not that Im supporting this) then you know he didnt truely love you and therefor not worthy of your time or love...

 

Hope that will be of some help to you, but possibly not what you wanted to hear! Sorry

 

Thank you so much for this. It's what I think logically, what I need to hear and what I would tell a good friend if they were going through this....it's just hard not to let emotions come into it.

 

I haven't told him I want him to leave his wife for me and never would. He came to me saying they were getting a divorce way before I came back on the scene but it would take time/finances are stretched etc etc. I understand all this, but I just want him to understand that I can't sleep with him until he comes to me as a single man.

 

Thank you again. I woke up this morning actually thinking of texting him because I miss him so much, but now, I will leave it. x

[shayla]

This man is manipulating you. He left you for better things. He didnt like where he ended up. And now he wants you to give him sex to prove something to him? Really?

 

What's he proving to you? What is he offering you? A divorce? I can't tell!

 

Save yourself more pain and suffering by leaving this man right where he is, married and stuck. It's your turn to move on to better things.

[beyond]

100% agreed. Do not sleep with this guy, looks like he is trying to make you the flavor of the weak or even is just looking to get some either way he can.

 

Make him work for it, even if that means him divorcing his wife.

Me personally I would not break up his relationship or atlest have my name say in it, as remember how hurt you were, I would never want wish that on anyone, even though it might happen regardless.

 

Thank you - I have told him I don't want my happiness at the expense of someone else but he assured me the divorce has been on the cards for ages and the whole marriage was a big mistake. Either way, I don't want to sleep with him while they are together. If I met a married man tomorrow I wouldn't even entertain dating him, its the fact we have all this history together and i got swept along with the whole silly fairytale of reuniting again and it all being wonderful.

[beyond]

Yeah, this guy sounds like a real winner and totally worth the emotional turmoil you are putting yourself through, he will put his wife and kids through, etc.

 

Oh wait. No. Not at all.

 

I know, I know. I can't believe I'm even getting upset about this. Believe it or not in other areas of my life I'm quite rational! He has always been 'the one' for me which is pretty sad considering he didn't want me the first time around and is now doing this. He says I should 'take a chance, a risk' - knowing that will get to me as I always say I wish I wasn't so cautious. But to me, sex is such an emotional thing, I would fall even deeper for him if we slept together let alone how bad I would feel for his wife.

Thank you for your words.

[beyond]

Wow, he sounds just cheerie guy to be around.

 

Making demands that UNREASONABLE?

 

Hes basically calling you a prostitute, you reaslise that?

 

His payment for your sex, a divorce? What will it be next? And thats assuming he will pay?

 

Frankly get him told and tell him fast...

 

 

Ewww, what a horrible way to look at it - but I know what you mean. It reminds me of teenagers at school who say to their gfs 'well, if you really loved me you would sleep with me'.

I need to stay strong and not contact him until, at the very least he tells me he is divorced.

[beyond]

This man is manipulating you. He left you for better things. He didnt like where he ended up. And now he wants you to give him sex to prove something to him? Really?

 

What's he proving to you? What is he offering you? A divorce? I can't tell!

 

Save yourself more pain and suffering by leaving this man right where he is, married and stuck. It's your turn to move on to better things.

 

Well, he says he is offering me a life with him - that he will get a divorce, we can move in together (I wanted that the first time around but he panicked, said he wasn't ready and left me) and have a life. He says the divorce etc will take time which I've said is fine, but that I will wait until then. That is when he got angry saying we had wasted enough time and I was going to let my 'stupid morals' stand in the way of our happiness.

 

I feel really sick that he has manipulated me and more so, that I have let him.

[Phanpooh]

I'm a guy and I'm always want to sleep with my exes BUT that doesn't mean I want a relationship.... Be careful with ur heart...

When people decide something, they often look in past, do in present and hope for tomorrow... Your first time 7y ago, do u need to love and have sex with him to built a relationship at begin ? And if he truly love you, why in almost time, there is still his kids and WIFE ? For future, r u sure that man is good enough for you? Will he give you what you NEED?

PS: for me, this guy desever a medal,,.....

[beyond]

This is something a 16 year old boy would do.

 

I know! It seriously does remind me of that

[beyond]

WHOA! That is a painful story, and I am sorry for you.

 

But, seriously??? Do grown men use that line... "I want actions"...meaning you must put out. That is quite a douche bag statement.

 

Send him an email and tell him that YOU WANT ACTIONS...and when he is D to look you up. Until then see ya.

 

You have cut off contact with this guy before, and you can do it now. You have to.

 

That action statement is a HUGE RED FLAG. Be very careful here girl. It has been 6 years... ppl do change. Chemistry might still be there, sure...but you really don't KNOW this man like you used to.

 

Very wise words - thank you. It makes sense but hard to see that sometimes when emotions are involved. My last email to him said I had nothing to prove as I was single and ready to be with him when he was single. I've heard nothing since. I so wanted him to prove me wrong and reply that he loved me and understood. But I guess not.

I feel such a fool

[beyond]

Real love does not require you to prove anything nor does it ask you to go against your belief system. If you mean that much to him, he will respect you and not push you into doing something that you've already told him you won't do. If you give in.......you will lower your own self respect and he will look at you through different eyes.

 

What he is asking you to do is selfish and self serving and he doesn't have much regard for what kind of hell that will put you through. Please don't do this to yourself. You will regret it.

 

Thank you. He has previously said that my 'silly morals' make him want to hate me.....goodness knows why I didn't run a million miles at that point.

 

I'm so tempted to contact him again to give him a piece of my mind, but probably more dignified to just let things lie now.

[immitable]

some LS advices are scary, really.strict NC etc.

 

 

I can't understand that you never over the course of six years wanted to hear anything from him, I mean that is a long time.

 

Did you expect him to not be married and have children since you were not available for six years. I mean the guy sent you over 400 e-mails.

You were not available for him, did you ever love or care enough about him ?

 

 

On the other hand it is lot more difficult for a man to leave his family over someone else than for a woman to abandon her family. Women are ruled by emotions and men are ruled by reason most of the time.

[beyond]

Please don't see him in person again until he has separated!

 

You have nothing to prove, and nothing to lose. This stinks of manipulation. I'd actually be VERY curious if he's pulled this before - has he cheated previous to this? You might want to find out.

 

Having sex will only make you feel MORE attached - not a good idea. Don't put yourself in this position. I know - how hard it is to give up on amazing chemistry. But what good is that if he's still committed to another? You will only get 1/8 of a man, which is never, never enough. Then you will feel even worse. Don't Do It, Girl!!!!

 

Yes, he has cheated - said he was so unhappy that he went on one of websites that offer discreet affairs. She was married too and it was just about the sex. He said she was a horrible person (!) but it fufilled a need as his wife isn't affectionate (I know, it all sounds so cliche!). He then, when drunk happened to mention that he was still in contact with women he had affair with - bit strange if she is such a horrible person. So many red flags I'm surprised I haven't been knocked over....but I so wanted it to work out and have the fairytale ending.