second chance - gone

[beyond]

Based on the teenage crap he just pulled, this guy will say ANYTHING to get in her pants, including making a false claim that's he's separated, divorced and the best one . . . "in the process of divorcing."

 

I highly doubt divorce is even a serious thought in his mind. He's just telling her what she wants to hear because he wants some on the side and he's probably got others too. Even if this fool came back with divorce papers in hand, I wouldn't go near him with a ten foot pole.

 

I'm sadly starting to think that too. If, say next year he knocks on my door with divorce papers in hand, I wouldn't be dragging him into bed - there would have to be a lot more work done to get over this.

 

Maybe this is what I need to finally get over him. Last time I turned all the angry at the things he did in on myself 'if only I'd been nicer, prettier etc'. Now I'm agry at him!

[beyond]

I agree with what others have said. He is the one who needs to take action.

 

Why don't you just talk to his wife? If you talk to her, then you'll find out soon enough if they are divorcing. If it's all above board then you should be able to tell her that after she and he are divorced, you and he will be together.

 

If she know nothing about it then you have your answer.

 

If you are unwilling to talk to her that that means you already know the score.

 

Last year, before we had even met up, his wife emailed me out of the blue. She said she got my email because she regularly checked his email since he had been unfaithful to her before. She had read my email saying I forgave him but nothing could happen between us because he was married and she said he had left her that day and if I wanted to meet up with him, that was ok. She said she felt he always loved me. It was heartbreaking to read. He left for two weeks but then went back saying he missed the children.

 

If he ever told me he was separated/divorced I would contact her to check this.

[beyond]

agree with all the above. Incredibly disrespectful behaviour from him there.... wow. Seriously, please: don't go there. Start to see him differently... he's not nice. Sorry. All the very best x

 

Thank you - yes, i'm starting to see him differently thats for sure. ]

Edited April 16, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[beyond]

Tell him that actions, not words, are exactly what your waiting for.

He needs to File for divorce.

 

It's not much to ask given his apparent feelings for you. All these years. No doubt, especially since the second child came along.

 

Don't let him play you like this.

 

Last time we met he avoided the topic until I brought it up and then he fobbed me off with 'it takes time you know, you have no idea because you have never gone through this' Which is true, but I'm not rushing him, just think if he wanted to be with me he would be eager to show he is taking steps towards a life with me.

 

Guess, I'm just a fool who believed it would all work out this time around.

[beyond]

Tell him if he loves you he will wait until his divorce is final....

 

Don't think there will be a D at all.

 

Seriously, tell him to grow up and stop using emotional black mail to get what he wants.

 

Could it be you are still in love with the boy you knew way back when? Sounds like he hasn't changed a great deal

GG

 

Yes, think I probably am in love with the person I knew back then - who was sweet and kind but a bit messed up and not ready to commit. From the small amount I've seen of him since we met up, he seems a lot harder and more cynical.

[beyond]

Don't even respond or see him until his divorce is FINAL!

 

You've already said you wouldn't do certain things - then went ahead and did them.

 

Start by doing what you say and saying what you will or won't do.

 

If your actions don't match your words - it makes you the liar. Start keeping your word - its important for your integrity!

 

You are spot on 2sunny. I feel bad enough for meeting up with him, but this stops now. My last email was very clear about not wanting to hear from him until he was single. If I break that and contact him then what hope do I have of him respecting me, or me respecting myself.

 

Thank you

[beyond]

I'm a guy and I'm always want to sleep with my exes BUT that doesn't mean I want a relationship.... Be careful with ur heart...

When people decide something, they often look in past, do in present and hope for tomorrow... Your first time 7y ago, do u need to love and have sex with him to built a relationship at begin ? And if he truly love you, why in almost time, there is still his kids and WIFE ? For future, r u sure that man is good enough for you? Will he give you what you NEED?

PS: for me, this guy desever a medal,,.....

 

Sorry, I don't really understand some of the things you are saying - why does he deserve a medal? It's good to hear a guys point of view and he has already said/joked that I'm too far away to be a FB (3/4 hours) He is a good looking guy and I'm sure could get someone a lot easier than me.

[beyond]

some LS advices are scary, really.strict NC etc.

 

 

I can't understand that you never over the course of six years wanted to hear anything from him, I mean that is a long time.

 

Did you expect him to not be married and have children since you were not available for six years. I mean the guy sent you over 400 e-mails.

You were not available for him, did you ever love or care enough about him ?

 

 

On the other hand it is lot more difficult for a man to leave his family over someone else than for a woman to abandon her family. Women are ruled by emotions and men are ruled by reason most of the time.

 

Yes, it is a long time. I've left lots out of original post as it would be even longer(!), but he was really quite nasty when we broke up. I kept in contact, desperate for him to come back - he met other women and shoved it in my face - when I told him that broke my heart he replied 'well the best way to get over that is to have no strings attatched s*x, shall I come over?'. All the time, I was sinking into a depression. In the end, I cut all contact. I thought about him over the years and yes, assumed he was married and never gave me a second thought. Then, when I read the emails (well, the later ones, the earlier ones were still horrible).

 

I know he has the capacity to really hurt me, but for a time what we had was so special. I suppose I hoped it was THAT guy that came back after all this time, but I guess not.

[Jambalaya]

Yeah, this guy sounds like a real winner and totally worth the emotional turmoil you are putting yourself through, he will put his wife and kids through, etc.

 

Oh wait. No. Not at all.

 

Seconded. Emotional abuse so he can gets his rocks off? Nice.

[Exit]

The fact that he got angry once you showed that you are going to take your time with this and weren't going to jump into bed shows what his true intentions are. If he had said "totally understandable, you are worth all the time in the world, it's my fault we were apart for 6 years in the first place, I can wait longer while I handle my business" this would be another story (even then he may not be worth taking back), but seeing him react like a little child being told no cookies until after dinner shows what was most important to him. And now you haven't heard from him for 4 days when apparently he was able to contact you plenty over 6 years. You told him sex was not an option right now and suddenly he got a lot quieter. I'm sorry I'm sure you were hoping that this guy realized his mistakes and your soul mate was coming back to make things up to you and sweep you off your feet, but that doesn't appear to be the reality here.

 

At most, I would say this should give you a sense of satisfaction, to see that an ex realizes how much they lost when they left you, have a laugh at his expense and the fact that he got himself hung up with a child and a woman who he doesn't really want, and keep on movin on.

 

You managed it for six years, you can keep going. You thought the emails meant something different but it is so obvious that this guy is looking for a quick score outside of his marriage. Maybe he will eventually leave her, maybe not, but he certainly won't have any reason to get the divorce done quickly if he realizes he has someone he can sleep with on the side.

 

As everyone else has said, PLEASE, do not give in to this guy. You are worth so much more.

[beyond]

The fact that he got angry once you showed that you are going to take your time with this and weren't going to jump into bed shows what his true intentions are. If he had said "totally understandable, you are worth all the time in the world, it's my fault we were apart for 6 years in the first place, I can wait longer while I handle my business" this would be another story (even then he may not be worth taking back), but seeing him react like a little child being told no cookies until after dinner shows what was most important to him. And now you haven't heard from him for 4 days when apparently he was able to contact you plenty over 6 years. You told him sex was not an option right now and suddenly he got a lot quieter. I'm sorry I'm sure you were hoping that this guy realized his mistakes and your soul mate was coming back to make things up to you and sweep you off your feet, but that doesn't appear to be the reality here.

 

At most, I would say this should give you a sense of satisfaction, to see that an ex realizes how much they lost when they left you, have a laugh at his expense and the fact that he got himself hung up with a child and a woman who he doesn't really want, and keep on movin on.

 

You managed it for six years, you can keep going. You thought the emails meant something different but it is so obvious that this guy is looking for a quick score outside of his marriage. Maybe he will eventually leave her, maybe not, but he certainly won't have any reason to get the divorce done quickly if he realizes he has someone he can sleep with on the side.

 

As everyone else has said, PLEASE, do not give in to this guy. You are worth so much more.

 

Yes, I was hoping he was back to sweep me off my feet, funny how we never really lose that dream of happy ever after even when logic tells us otherwise. I really wanted him to prove me wrong, I keep checking my phone every few minutes just to see if he will message me - how sad is that?!

 

I keep wondering if my last email to him was clear enough, was too harsh/too soppy and should I just send him one more to tell him what I think of his ultimatum? I know I should just leave it now though.

 

Thanks for your wise words - I need to come to my senses where he is concerned.

[Ms. Red]

Very wise words - thank you. It makes sense but hard to see that sometimes when emotions are involved. My last email to him said I had nothing to prove as I was single and ready to be with him when he was single. I've heard nothing since. I so wanted him to prove me wrong and reply that he loved me and understood. But I guess not.

I feel such a fool

 

Don't feel like a fool. You have done nothing wrong. Imagine if you had slept with him and he was now ignoring you after sleeping with him. Then you should feel like a fool but not now.

 

You are spot on 2sunny. I feel bad enough for meeting up with him, but this stops now. My last email was very clear about not wanting to hear from him until he was single. If I break that and contact him then what hope do I have of him respecting me, or me respecting myself.

 

Thank you

 

Yup! Stick to your word. You're gonna be fine.

 

[[[HUGS]]]

[beyond]

Don't feel like a fool. You have done nothing wrong. Imagine if you had slept with him and he was now ignoring you after sleeping with him. Then you should feel like a fool but not now.

 

 

 

Yup! Stick to your word. You're gonna be fine.

 

[[[HUGS]]]

 

Thank you - I need that hug!

[alexandria35]

Last year, before we had even met up, his wife emailed me out of the blue. She said she got my email because she regularly checked his email since he had been unfaithful to her before. She had read my email saying I forgave him but nothing could happen between us because he was married and she said he had left her that day and if I wanted to meet up with him, that was ok. She said she felt he always loved me. It was heartbreaking to read. He left for two weeks but then went back saying he missed the children.

 

If he ever told me he was separated/divorced I would contact her to check this.

 

His wife did not send you that email. He did. Think about it. Why would a wife who is trying to repair her marrige and going to the trouble of checking his email to make sure he isn't up to anything be so quick to hand him over to you simply because you sent him an email saying you forgive him and he needs to divorce. I don't believe she actually has access to his email at all because if she did she would have seen all of the emails he sent you over the years and she would know all about the contact he still has with his ex OW. If she is an ex. Wouldn't be surprised if he was still carrying on with her too.

 

You are not a fool. You are taking the time to look at this from all sides and

you are aware of the red flags. You are not letting your desire rule your actions and that makes you a very smart woman indeed. I think a lot of women just rush into bad romantic relationships in spite of all the danger signs and then when they are hurt and heartbroken they deeply regret that they didn't pay attention to those danger signs in the beginning.

[beyond]

His wife did not send you that email. He did. Think about it. Why would a wife who is trying to repair her marrige and going to the trouble of checking his email to make sure he isn't up to anything be so quick to hand him over to you simply because you sent him an email saying you forgive him and he needs to divorce. I don't believe she actually has access to his email at all because if she did she would have seen all of the emails he sent you over the years and she would know all about the contact he still has with his ex OW. If she is an ex. Wouldn't be surprised if he was still carrying on with her too.

 

You are not a fool. You are taking the time to look at this from all sides and

you are aware of the red flags. You are not letting your desire rule your actions and that makes you a very smart woman indeed. I think a lot of women just rush into bad romantic relationships in spite of all the danger signs and then when they are hurt and heartbroken they deeply regret that they didn't pay attention to those danger signs in the beginning.

 

It did cross my mind yes, and its the first thing my friends thought too. The thing is SHE (if I assume it was her) was the one who mentioned that he had been unfaithful before. He had never told me that, although when I asked him about her email and what she said, he then admitted he had met someone else a while back. That really doesn't show him in a good light so I don't see why he would say that if he was pretending to be wife.

 

Thanks for your kind words, but I don't feel very smart at the moment. It does help though reading everyones opinion and if I feel weak again about him (which I'm sure I will) I will re read this thread.

x

[wannabdone]

Very wise words - thank you. It makes sense but hard to see that sometimes when emotions are involved. My last email to him said I had nothing to prove as I was single and ready to be with him when he was single. I've heard nothing since. I so wanted him to prove me wrong and reply that he loved me and understood. But I guess not.

I feel such a fool

 

 

I know it is. When emotions are involved, we do sometimes do "foolish" things. Doing foolish things, however does not make you a fool. My therapist told me, and hopefully you can use this, just remember when you are dealing with these kind of ppl, what would you say to your friend if they were sitting here telling you this exact story? Would you tell them to see him? Or to run? Try and remember that and maybe it will help you.

 

We do, unfortunately, fall for ppl who are not right for us. You deserve someone who treats you with the upmost respect. Please do not settle for anything other.

[wannabdone]

Thank you. He has previously said that my 'silly morals' make him want to hate me.....goodness knows why I didn't run a million miles at that point.

 

I'm so tempted to contact him again to give him a piece of my mind, but probably more dignified to just let things lie now.

 

 

Excuse me??? This guy is a class act. Most men WANT women with those "silly morals" as he put it. I'm sorry, he is a loser.

 

I would NOT contact him, however I would contact his wife. She deserves to know that her H is out on the prowl.

[wannabdone]

Sorry, one more post... as I continue to read I just keep having to pick my jaw up off the floor.

 

Alice pegged it... he acts like a 16 year old. Saying anything to get in someone's pants. "he wants actions", "your silly morals" and now a fake email??? He has the mind set of more like a 13 year old. I have a 16 year old and he behaves with more dignity that this guy.

 

I'm sorry, I know I keep saying this, but the more and more I read... please drop this guy.

[beyond]

I know it is. When emotions are involved, we do sometimes do "foolish" things. Doing foolish things, however does not make you a fool. My therapist told me, and hopefully you can use this, just remember when you are dealing with these kind of ppl, what would you say to your friend if they were sitting here telling you this exact story? Would you tell them to see him? Or to run? Try and remember that and maybe it will help you.

 

We do, unfortunately, fall for ppl who are not right for us. You deserve someone who treats you with the upmost respect. Please do not settle for anything other.

 

Thanks wannabdone - I feel its really helped getting everything out in the open on here. Yes, I did foolish things but have not acted maliciously or killed anyone so I should stop beating myself up. At least thats one thing I learnt through going through depression all those years ago - NO ONE is worth feeling that low for.

 

My friends think he will wait a few weeks and then contact me again (he has business which brings him closer to where I live every 3 or 4 weeks). I hope by then I feel even stronger.

 

Ps - I love your Dr Seuss quote.

[beyond]

LOL - I would imagine it DOES take a lot of time - especially when your wife is completely UNAWARE that there's a divorce in the works.

 

And as far as his PHONEY BALONEY supposed email from the wife, guess the liar slipped up when HE wrote, "my husband has cheated on me before." He must have forgotten that he hadn't told you about his past sleazy behavior.

 

This guy is going to have to keep a set of index cards to keep all his LIES straight. God, what a LOSER.

 

The 'actions not words' thing makes me think he is self talking somewhat. It is soooo ridiculous and so obviously what I should be saying to him that I feel he used it before I could say it.

 

I'm still not sure about the wife emailing me - maybe I'm really gullible but it seems strange that he would go to all that trouble and it didn't really sway me one way or the other .

 

I suppose a part of me wants to stick up for him, maybe its just so embarrassing to admit I fell for all his lines

 

Thank you for helping me take off my rose tinted glasses

[beyond]

That statement is a little scary. You're talking like you actually think he's going to get divorced.

 

I do think he is unhappy, and more so, I think his wife must be! He told me his house was on the market and when that was sold it would make it easier to live separately. I checked and it is. Doesn't mean he is getting a divorce I know.

 

He seems to make it a pattern in life to run from every difficult situation so it doesn't surprise me if he does get a divorce. What I'm saying is, whereas last week I would welcome him with open arms if he turned up in time to come with divorce papers - now, I'm not so sure.

 

Either way, I have to live my life.

[alexandria35]

I do think he is unhappy, and more so, I think his wife must be! He told me his house was on the market and when that was sold it would make it easier to live separately. I checked and it is. Doesn't mean he is getting a divorce I know.

 

He seems to make it a pattern in life to run from every difficult situation so it doesn't surprise me if he does get a divorce. What I'm saying is, whereas last week I would welcome him with open arms if he turned up in time to come with divorce papers - now, I'm not so sure.

 

Either way, I have to live my life.

 

You are wise to think about if you really want this guy even if he does divorce. He sounds like a little creep to me, married or not. He cheats on his wife, had a an affair with another woman that he talks trash about now but still keeps her around for ego strokes and who knows what else, he's manipulative, he drinks too much, he doesn't respect your boundaries and he hates "silly morals".

 

As for his house being on the market how did you check that out? Did you see the actual land title or did you just check the local mls listings? Could he have just pointed you to some random house that is for sale and claimed it was his? I'm sorry I know I sound terribly suspicious and cynical but from your very first post this guy gave me the creeps and just sounds like someone capable extreme manipulation and dishonesty.

[beyond]

They could be moving as a family because of his infidelity (many couples do that to start fresh) or they could be bankrupt - any number of reasons. Whatever the reasons, the house sale (and move) certainly explains his urgency with regard to getting you into bed.

 

Division of property usually takes place after a separation/divorce filing, not before (especially with children involved).

 

It sounds like he and his family are just plain ole moving.

 

 

Yep, could well be

[beyond]

You are wise to think about if you really want this guy even if he does divorce. He sounds like a little creep to me, married or not. He cheats on his wife, had a an affair with another woman that he talks trash about now but still keeps her around for ego strokes and who knows what else, he's manipulative, he drinks too much, he doesn't respect your boundaries and he hates "silly morals".

 

As for his house being on the market how did you check that out? Did you see the actual land title or did you just check the local mls listings? Could he have just pointed you to some random house that is for sale and claimed it was his? I'm sorry I know I sound terribly suspicious and cynical but from your very first post this guy gave me the creeps and just sounds like someone capable extreme manipulation and dishonesty.

 

I've known where he lived for some time . When we got back together I asked him where he lived and expected him to say something vague, like the name of the city - but without hesitation he told me correct full address . I looked it up on google earth, so know what it looks like. When he told me about house I looked on estate agents for that city and saw it on there. As Alice said, doesn't mean he is getting a divorce though, they could just be moving.

 

People close to me that I respect the opinion of the most have already said he is very manipulative - even the first time around. I wish I had listened more.

[beyond]

^^^This!

 

Even if he came to you with divorce documents (literally) in his hand, I would STILL go down to the clerk's office to verify a divorce is final. Actually, I'd do that with ANY man who claimed to be divorced.

 

Erm, ok. Don't really know about that - would they give out that information? Never seen a divorce paper, so he could probably write one up himself and I'd believe it.

 

Anyway, somehow I don't think it will come to that - I am wising up fast about his true intentions and his true feelings for me.