second chance - gone

[FightClub]

Hey Beyond,

 

 

Reading your story, it's very similar to lot of other experiences people have had being involved with someone who is married. Unfortunately, I just don't see these types of stories really working out for everyone in the long run.

 

There's to much deception from the MM, the vagueness of what's really going on in the marriage and one of the numbers one signs is a guy telling you to basically throw away your moral's and just 'go there' with him.

 

My belief is that if someone really wants you, I mean as more than just a distraction from a marriage, they'll do what is necessary within themselves to be with you.

 

I was involved in a year long, long distance emotional affair with a married woman, I've been there, we didn't become have a physical affair until the end and when it was over, she was gone. Disappeared.

 

The guilt, confusions, etc was slightly explained to me but in the end it didn't really bring clarity. I had to do that for myself and go complete NC.

 

It hurt, I thought at the time I really wanted to be with this person but after a year and a half, I realize that I changed.

 

To save you from that kind of hurt, I think it's best to not expect anything from this MM, go No Contact and sort yourself out and ask yourself; 'Why am I here? am I worth more than this? '

 

As the answers come into play, you'll find more questions and even more answers and a lot of clarity and strength to learn from this situation.

 

Let him figure his life out, without you and live your life to the fullest without him.

 

As the saying goes, ' If it's meant to be, it will be', just ya'know, him divorced and single to explore something real.

 

-FC

[wilsonx]

Listen, everyone on this thread is being retarded. Don't give ultimatums. Communicate, come up with a game plan, you both want each other back, he's angry because you're playing games with yourself. Go through with game plan, live happily ever after with each other .

[beyond]

Listen, everyone on this thread is being retarded. Don't give ultimatums. Communicate, come up with a game plan, you both want each other back, he's angry because you're playing games with yourself. Go through with game plan, live happily ever after with each other .

 

He is angry, that is clear. I would like to communicate, nothing is ever solved by ignoring and hoping it all goes away - I of all people should know that after 6 years of silence when I thought of him everyday.

 

BUT, how do I communicate without giving in and saying I'm ok sleeping with him while he is married?

[Phanpooh]

@beyond: you are right! about that, DUN sleep with him...

AFTER my BU, i sent my ex TONs of MEssage and i dun care about she got it or not, i just want to show my LOVE, but later, i accepted that i hav a life to live and if there is somebody, i could be with her....

My advise is "waiting" for make sure who he feel important.

[wannabdone]

I do think he is unhappy, and more so, I think his wife must be! He told me his house was on the market and when that was sold it would make it easier to live separately. I checked and it is. Doesn't mean he is getting a divorce I know.

 

He seems to make it a pattern in life to run from every difficult situation so it doesn't surprise me if he does get a divorce. What I'm saying is, whereas last week I would welcome him with open arms if he turned up in time to come with divorce papers - now, I'm not so sure.

 

Either way, I have to live my life.

 

 

I am sure his wife is unhappy... can you imagine being married to a snake like that? But, above and beyond anything else...HE IS UNHAPPY WITH HIMSELF.

 

Please rethink the "if he comes back with d papers" quote. You don't deserve someone who is apparently so disrepectful to women in general. Outside of the cheating on his wife... his comments show himself to how he really feels about women. Do you really want to be with a man like that? Would you want your friends or your family with a man like this?

[beyond]

Ask yourself why typical cheating man's lingo has such a profound effect on you whereas other women can easily tell this man is full of shyte.

 

Are you so needy that you have lost the ability to reason?

 

I may be - hard to admit but I may be.

 

I do know that if I met a guy tomorrow who was married I would run a mile. The difference with this one is I knew him before and loved him before and it never seemed finished between us, in that I never stopped thinking about him over the years.]

Edited April 16, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[beyond]

Hey Beyond,

 

 

Reading your story, it's very similar to lot of other experiences people have had being involved with someone who is married. Unfortunately, I just don't see these types of stories really working out for everyone in the long run.

 

There's to much deception from the MM, the vagueness of what's really going on in the marriage and one of the numbers one signs is a guy telling you to basically throw away your moral's and just 'go there' with him.

 

My belief is that if someone really wants you, I mean as more than just a distraction from a marriage, they'll do what is necessary within themselves to be with you.

 

I was involved in a year long, long distance emotional affair with a married woman, I've been there, we didn't become have a physical affair until the end and when it was over, she was gone. Disappeared.

 

The guilt, confusions, etc was slightly explained to me but in the end it didn't really bring clarity. I had to do that for myself and go complete NC.

 

It hurt, I thought at the time I really wanted to be with this person but after a year and a half, I realize that I changed.

 

To save you from that kind of hurt, I think it's best to not expect anything from this MM, go No Contact and sort yourself out and ask yourself; 'Why am I here? am I worth more than this? '

 

As the answers come into play, you'll find more questions and even more answers and a lot of clarity and strength to learn from this situation.

 

Let him figure his life out, without you and live your life to the fullest without him.

 

As the saying goes, ' If it's meant to be, it will be', just ya'know, him divorced and single to explore something real.

 

-FC

 

Thank you for sharing your story.

Until last week when he pulled the 'actions not words' stuff, he said he understood and would 'do what ever I wanted to get me back'. I hoped his anger was a stupid outburst from frustration and he would immediately apologise, but days have gone by now, so I guess he meant it which has made me view the situation differently.

 

I haven't said I never want to see him again, just that he needs to be single first.

[beyond]

OP.........I think you should look at this as your 2nd chance to AVOID getting mixed up with a man who obviously has some issues...known history of cheating, manipulative, childish and who doesn't respect you at all.

 

I hope you can look at it through the eyes of.....seeing clearly that he is no good for you or for that matter any other woman.

 

Yes, I know. When we first got back together, through him apologising for all the hurt the first time around, it made me feel better and come to terms with what happened aside from us possibly getting back together. But how he is acting now, just brings it all back - I got the familiar 'knot in the stomach' feeling.

[beyond]

I am sure his wife is unhappy... can you imagine being married to a snake like that? But, above and beyond anything else...HE IS UNHAPPY WITH HIMSELF.

 

Please rethink the "if he comes back with d papers" quote. You don't deserve someone who is apparently so disrepectful to women in general. Outside of the cheating on his wife... his comments show himself to how he really feels about women. Do you really want to be with a man like that? Would you want your friends or your family with a man like this?

 

To be totally honest, a part of me so strongly wants to believe him, so that it justifys me waiting and putting my life on hold for so long and also, because I really loved him back then and was falling for him again.

 

I know I need to be strong. Thank you again for your comments.

[beyond]

@beyond: you are right! about that, DUN sleep with him...

AFTER my BU, i sent my ex TONs of MEssage and i dun care about she got it or not, i just want to show my LOVE, but later, i accepted that i hav a life to live and if there is somebody, i could be with her....

My advise is "waiting" for make sure who he feel important.

 

I'm sure my ex knows I love him, it hurts me to thinbk he doesn't after all this time. Sex was amazing between us, but for me that was because I loved him- when you feel that much for someone, expressing it comes naturally. Its so hard to think he is now reducing that to 'sleep with me or i'm off'

[MissBee]

agree with all the above. Incredibly disrespectful behaviour from him there.... wow. Seriously, please: don't go there. Start to see him differently... he's not nice. Sorry. All the very best x

 

Ditto...this man is manipulating you into an affair, trying to spin it around on you, like you're the one in the wrong.

 

He wants to have his cake and eat it too and is a coward. If he is so unhappy, he should divorce whether or not you're in the picture! Plain and simple. That is the only man I would trust and believe....one who says he is unhappily married and who will pluck up the courage and divorce because of this and not because he is waiting to jump from one net of comfort to the next.

 

He wants you to prove that you will be his safety net, so that he can jump from his marriage to you or probably stay married and have you as he makes excuses. He is not that nice as happyme says...and all he is saying and doing is actually not that loving or romantic but sweet nothings masking his own selfish desires. He isn't reaching out to you because of love...he's reaching out to you as a bandaid and an ego stroke and an escape. You're more than that!

[beyond]

Ditto...this man is manipulating you into an affair, trying to spin it around on you, like you're the one in the wrong.

 

He wants to have his cake and eat it too and is a coward. If he is so unhappy, he should divorce whether or not you're in the picture! Plain and simple. That is the only man I would trust and believe....one who says he is unhappily married and who will pluck up the courage and divorce because of this and not because he is waiting to jump from one net of comfort to the next.

 

He wants you to prove that you will be his safety net, so that he can jump from his marriage to you or probably stay married and have you as he makes excuses. He is not that nice as happyme says...and all he is saying and doing is actually not that loving or romantic but sweet nothings masking his own selfish desires. He isn't reaching out to you because of love...he's reaching out to you as a bandaid and an ego stroke and an escape. You're more than that!

 

Thanks Missbee - totally agree with him not divorcing FOR me. I have asked him that and he assured me he was getting divorced anyway before we even met up this time around. However, in his words...I need actions not words!!!

[beyond]

Ditto...this man is manipulating you into an affair, trying to spin it around on you, like you're the one in the wrong.

 

He wants to have his cake and eat it too and is a coward. If he is so unhappy, he should divorce whether or not you're in the picture! Plain and simple. That is the only man I would trust and believe....one who says he is unhappily married and who will pluck up the courage and divorce because of this and not because he is waiting to jump from one net of comfort to the next.

 

He wants you to prove that you will be his safety net, so that he can jump from his marriage to you or probably stay married and have you as he makes excuses. He is not that nice as happyme says...and all he is saying and doing is actually not that loving or romantic but sweet nothings masking his own selfish desires. He isn't reaching out to you because of love...he's reaching out to you as a bandaid and an ego stroke and an escape. You're more than that!

 

And yes, tyhe 'safety net' thing worries me - imo people going through any break up should have time on their own afterwards before getting with someone else.

[beyond]

He's full of sheet. He's going to be divorced if and when his wife puts the brakes on the marriage. Don't think for a minute she doesn't know what she married. You will only get the truth from the wife, not him.

 

And if she actually does kick him to the curb, you'll be his girl, but this time he'll be all over his ex-wife emailing her the same things he told you.

 

Certainly he has a pattern of wanting what he can't have - he admitted as much when we got back together and opened up about what went wrong before. I even said what would stop him getting with me and still thinking the grass was greener elsewhere.....he said he wasn't sure! I'm not sure he will ever be content with what he has, he will always want what he can;t have and what he perceives as 'better'.

[beyond]

Thanks everybody for your replies. It has been a really long day not hearing from him, but posting here has helped.

 

Back to work tomorrow so hope that will keep me busy.

 

Thank you again to everyone who took time out to help a stranger

 

xx

[Follower]

Thats what were here for, i know my post was a rather bleek way to look at it but sometimes seeing the worst angle is what allows us to do the right thing

[beyond]

Just got email from him saying my 'stupid principles' had ruined everything.

 

I read it at a moment when I was missing him (I know) so I did look thinking he was going to apologise and say it was ok and he would wait - how dumb am I !?

 

Hate feeling like this. I'm thinking best response is no response as can only see it escalating if I reply. Very tempting to tell him what I think but whats the point.

[Ms. Red]

Hate feeling like this. I'm thinking best response is no response as can only see it escalating if I reply. Very tempting to tell him what I think but whats the point.

 

You've all ready told him what you think:

 

My last email to him said I had nothing to prove as I was single and ready to be with him when he was single. I've heard nothing since.

 

You are spot on 2sunny. I feel bad enough for meeting up with him, but this stops now. My last email was very clear about not wanting to hear from him until he was single. If I break that and contact him then what hope do I have of him respecting me, or me respecting myself.

 

Bold: Not much. Look, if he really loved you like he says he does and has pined for you as long as you say he did, then he wouldn't be giving up so damn quickly. I think dood just wants to get laid and he's pissed that you aren't easy. He's too lazy to even try and convince you so he gives up.

 

This guy really sounds like a dud. I hope your feelings for him will subside soon. It sucks to be drawn to someone that you know isn't good for you.

 

I wish you well. [[[[HUGS]]]]

[beyond]

You've all ready told him what you think:

 

 

 

 

 

Bold: Not much. Look, if he really loved you like he says he does and has pined for you as long as you say he did, then he wouldn't be giving up so damn quickly. I think dood just wants to get laid and he's pissed that you aren't easy. He's too lazy to even try and convince you so he gives up.

 

This guy really sounds like a dud. I hope your feelings for him will subside soon. It sucks to be drawn to someone that you know isn't good for you.

 

I wish you well. [[[[HUGS]]]]

 

Thank you for reminding me of a few things. Yes, I did tell him, but I guess I wanted to say 'so you just wanted s*X then you a- hole!!' lol, he would be shocked and I would feel better for about 2 minutes but then he would reply and it would all start again, so best to just leave it I know.

 

It makes total sense what you are saying and I need to try and forget the dream I've had about us being together. I love what I thought he was, but not what he actually turns out to be if that makes sense.

To be fair to him, I think what he 'loved' was the memory of me and a time in both our lives back then when we were free and times were good and yes, I'll admit the sex use to be great - but he was single then ! So glad I didn't sleep with him, I would feel so much worse.

 

Thank you again for your help

xx

[Artie Lang]

at least you didn't further degrade yourself by having sex with him again.

[jwi71]

Just got email from him saying my 'stupid principles' had ruined everything.

 

I read it at a moment when I was missing him (I know) so I did look thinking he was going to apologise and say it was ok and he would wait - how dumb am I !?

 

Hate feeling like this. I'm thinking best response is no response as can only see it escalating if I reply. Very tempting to tell him what I think but whats the point.

 

Am I the only who sees irony here?

 

HER lack of principals? That's a laugh.

 

On a deeper note, what a wonderfully defective and manipulative thing to say. OP, you just got a glimpse at his true self. Don't lightly dismiss that behavior on display.

[beyond]

Am I the only who sees irony here?

 

HER lack of principals? That's a laugh.

 

On a deeper note, what a wonderfully defective and manipulative thing to say. OP, you just got a glimpse at his true self. Don't lightly dismiss that behavior on display.

 

I won't, the less I feel emotionally attatched to him (the last week or so), the more I feel I can see his manipulation. Have read over some of his emails and he really is 'good' at turning things on to me - although I have to accept that I've allowed him to do this so I've played my part in this continuing.

 

On a good note, I've just had a message from a colleague who asked me to do some work over the weekend. I was due to meet MM but obviously not now, so jokingly put 'yes, had date but all off so am free to work'. Not sure Why I put that as don't know her well. Just got a reply " Great you can work. On other note - I always assumed you were with someone as you so lovely:love:. I have a fantastic guy friend that I'm sure would be amazed by you - do you mind if I set you two up on a blind date? Don't worry, he is wicked"

 

I'm going to take a deep breath and say yes. Life is very strange sometimes!

[Ms. Red]

That's cool Beyond. Let us know how it goes ok?

[spice4life]

I won't, the less I feel emotionally attatched to him (the last week or so), the more I feel I can see his manipulation. Have read over some of his emails and he really is 'good' at turning things on to me - although I have to accept that I've allowed him to do this so I've played my part in this continuing.

 

On a good note, I've just had a message from a colleague who asked me to do some work over the weekend. I was due to meet MM but obviously not now, so jokingly put 'yes, had date but all off so am free to work'. Not sure Why I put that as don't know her well. Just got a reply " Great you can work. On other note - I always assumed you were with someone as you so lovely:love:. I have a fantastic guy friend that I'm sure would be amazed by you - do you mind if I set you two up on a blind date? Don't worry, he is wicked"

 

I'm going to take a deep breath and say yes. Life is very strange sometimes!

 

That's great beyond! Keep up the good work and post an update letting us know how it went.

[beyond]

That's cool Beyond. Let us know how it goes ok?

 

Thank you Ms Red and spice4life - I will keep posting anyway as sure I will get good days and bad days. I've learnt from my last break up with him where I turned all the anger in on myself and got depressed - I know the signs and I'm not going down to that point again (not that I'm perfect and didn't act wrongly in agreeing to meet up with him knowing his situation).

 

Not expecting anything to come out of this 'date' but need to push myself to get out there again. Feel quite numb about meeting any men, but you never know how things may turn out - maybe find a new friend if nothing else. I'm determined not to get cynical and be one of those women that think all men are bar stewards lol!