second chance - gone

[beyond]

You can always tell him you don't want to be the OW and ask him if you could confer with his wife about contact.

 

I did once say to him that I was fed up with being a guilty secret and would he tell his wife about me. He said he would think about it but it would be tricky because then when they did divorce she would bring it up at family court and it could affect access with his children.

 

I can try and kid myself I'm not the OW because its not physical between us, but its not right what we are doing and I have to take my share of responsibility for that and tell him that I can't continue.

[woinlove]

I did once say to him that I was fed up with being a guilty secret and would he tell his wife about me. He said he would think about it but it would be tricky because then when they did divorce she would bring it up at family court and it could affect access with his children.

 

I can try and kid myself I'm not the OW because its not physical between us, but its not right what we are doing and I have to take my share of responsibility for that and tell him that I can't continue.

 

I'm sorry he turns it back on you like that - as if you have to keep his secret for the sake of his children. Arggghhh!&%## That should make you angry. Courts try to make the best decision for the welfare of the children. If his access is limited by the courts, it would be because the courts felt that was better for the children. Either he is a piss poor father or is he is making excuses, using his kids.

 

Please try not to get dragged into his bad behavior anymore. Your posts suggest you really want better. He wrote you an email just within the last week that made you upset and now you are back to friendly discussion with him. He isn't going to really change and behave better if he keeps getting what he wants by behaving badly and making threats like the one about the courts and his children. Frankly, I think you would be better off without him in your life and if he decides to divorce, changes and starts acting well, you might still be interested or you might not be.

[beyond]

I'm sorry he turns it back on you like that - as if you have to keep his secret for the sake of his children. Arggghhh!&%## That should make you angry. Courts try to make the best decision for the welfare of the children. If his access is limited by the courts, it would be because the courts felt that was better for the children. Either he is a piss poor father or is he is making excuses, using his kids.

 

Please try not to get dragged into his bad behavior anymore. Your posts suggest you really want better. He wrote you an email just within the last week that made you upset and now you are back to friendly discussion with him. He isn't going to really change and behave better if he keeps getting what he wants by behaving badly and making threats like the one about the courts and his children. Frankly, I think you would be better off without him in your life and if he decides to divorce, changes and starts acting well, you might still be interested or you might not be.

 

Thank you. what you say makes sense and pulls me up by my bootstrings (very much needed). I do feel as if I can't 'rock the boat' because I would hate to do anything that would limit his access to his children.....but seriously - that should be HIS worry shouldn't it! You are right too - I'm rewarding his bad behaviour. Its like I always swallow my hurt and respond if he contacts me, but slowly its dawning on me that this isn't how a normal 50/50 relationship should be. I am letting him do this so I'm as much to blame.

 

Will compose an email tonight to send him. At least I know how the scenario will play out now so can be ready for it. He gets email, sends horrible one back accusing me of not loving him and being the one to spoil what might have been. sulks for a few days then sends another saying he misses me etc. I can hopefully be strong this time and realise if he really loves me he will do what he has to do to be with me.

[jwi71]

I did once say to him that I was fed up with being a guilty secret and would he tell his wife about me. He said he would think about it but it would be tricky because then when they did divorce she would bring it up at family court and it could affect access with his children.

 

In the US anyway, infidelity has ZERO impact on custody and visitation. None, zilch, nada. Well, I guess anything is possible and he lands a judge which just hates cheaters and think they are crappy parents...so maybe 1 in 1000000000 chance. Maybe ask his lawyer. Better yet...you could suggest that he ask for his lawyers opinion on that...in an email...which he CC's you on.

 

I can try and kid myself I'm not the OW because its not physical between us, but its not right what we are doing and I have to take my share of responsibility for that and tell him that I can't continue.

 

Well, if you that being the OW is wrong and you feel that continuing to text furthers the affair...why do you continue?

Edited April 29, 2012 by jwi71
typos

[beyond]

In the US anyway, infidelity has ZERO impact on custody and visitation. None, zilch, nada. Well, I guess anything is possible and he lands a judge which just hates cheaters and think they are crappy parents...so maybe 1 in 1000000000 chance. Maybe ask his lawyer. Better yet...you could suggest that he ask for his lawyers opinion on that...in an email...which he CC's you on.

 

 

 

Well, if you that being the OW is wrong and you feel that continuing to text furthers the affair...why do you continue?

 

I'm in UK and no nothing really about divorce. He only talks about it if I bring it up and make myself look a real nag. I don't see how it can legally impact on visitation but maybe his wife could make it difficult, prolong the proceedings etc if she was angry.

 

I've continued so far because I'm not perfect and despite knowing its wrong, I feel this strong connection for him and hoped he meant what he said about loving me throughout all the years we were apart, making a big mistake leaving and getting with someone else etc etc. But the more this carries on the worse I feel.

[pureinheart]

Hi, my first post although have been reading for a while - especially the G.I.G.S stuff as it's what I always believed my ex had 6 years ago when we broke up - I actually remember saying to him at the time 'it's like you always think the grass is greener' - didn't know it was an actual syndrome!

 

So we dated for about a year and broke up 6 years ago - he broke up with me, saying he wasn't even sure why. I had forced the issue in a way as I could feel he was getting cooler. Before that it was the most amazing relationship I'd ever had, in every way. He was on the verge of moving to another city a few hours away and in my head I felt he needed to go off and sow his wild oats and then, hopefully come back to me. He was 23 when we first met and were friends before we dated and then 25 when he left.

 

He did this, went completely wild in many ways. He did and said some very hurtful things when we split up which resulted in me going completely NC, changed my number, moved home made sure all his emails were forwarded to another folder without me reading or seeing them.

 

I tried to get over him, I couldn't. For the first time ever I realised I truely loved someone and he was gone. I went into deep depression, got therapy which slowly helped and gradually got a grip but never forgot him or stopped thinking about him.

 

To cut a long story short, a year ago I looked at the folder I had forwarded any emails from him too and there were over 400 emails in there that he'd written over the years. The most recent were the most poignant - saying he never stopped thinking about me and he regretted everyday letting me go and I was the love of his life and he was sorry for everything he did when we split. I read all this and my heart lifted and he also then added that in his 'wild' phase he got someone pregnant and did the 'right' thing by marrying her.

 

So, he is married with two children and unhappy. I emailed him to say I forgave him for the stuff he'd done and wished him well. He replied within minutes full of how much he missed me, wanted to meet up with me etc. I said no because he was married but he insisted it was over and he was splitting up. We carried on emailing and eventually met up early this year.

 

Nothing physical has happened between us as he is married (my insistance) but obviously the emotional 'cheating' weighs heavy. He tells me he is getting a divorce and wants to be with me and was quite understanding at first that I didn't want to sleep with him until he was divorced but that changed last week when I saw him for the 4th time. The chemistry is amazing between us and I want him so much but would like to keep it non sexual until he is divorced.

 

After meeting up last week he sent me a text saying I was so stupid and should just go with it - that he will get a divorce and we have wasted enough time already. He left it that he wouldn't contact me until I agree to take a risk. He doubts that I love him (not true) and says he wants actions not words. I now feel as if I have to sleep with him to prove that I love him! I replied to him stating that I do love him and have nothing to prove, I just want him to be divorced before we can properly be together. I haven't heard from him for 4 days now - we usually text/email many times each day so this is killing me.

 

Gf- I would tell him to bite me. Stand your ground and stick with your moral compass. When you violate your own belief systems this can reak havoc with your self esteem and how you feel about you as a person.

 

Tell him you want action and not words...goes both ways IMO ...good luck (((((hugs)))))

[beyond]

Gf- I would tell him to bite me. Stand your ground and stick with your moral compass. When you violate your own belief systems this can reak havoc with your self esteem and how you feel about you as a person.

 

Tell him you want action and not words...goes both ways IMO ...good luck (((((hugs)))))

 

Thank you Pure, that is basically what I've said to him in the last week. I got really angry with him, and now we are back 'talking' (text and email) but I realise this is also unfair on everyone involved and we should just go NC until/IF he gets divorced.

Now, I just have to tell him that and come to terms with the fact that I may never hear from him again.

[Ms. Red]

If you're worth it to him he will wait for you.

 

Why does that sound backwards? You are waiting for him. But you know what I mean.

[beyond]

If you're worth it to him he will wait for you.

 

Why does that sound backwards? You are waiting for him. But you know what I mean.

 

Lol, I know what you mean. Thank you x

[pureinheart]

Thank you Pure, that is basically what I've said to him in the last week. I got really angry with him, and now we are back 'talking' (text and email) but I realise this is also unfair on everyone involved and we should just go NC until/IF he gets divorced.

Now, I just have to tell him that and come to terms with the fact that I may never hear from him again.

 

Oh Lord, I remember being right where you're at today. I had been in NC with now DM for several months and then a D-Day took place which pulled me right back in...the D-Day was stupid because he never kept me a secret and she was having affairs also.

 

It is so hard letting go, and I was very depressed and my thyroid issues really manifested bigtime causing me to be very ill. Was working in a job that was extremely physically demanding, but couldn't afford to go out on medical leave- then all at once everything changed and I received the desires of my heart.

 

Please just trust and believe that all will work to your good, and I'm praying for strength for you bigtime ((((((hugs)))))

[beyond]

Oh Lord, I remember being right where you're at today. I had been in NC with now DM for several months and then a D-Day took place which pulled me right back in...the D-Day was stupid because he never kept me a secret and she was having affairs also.

 

It is so hard letting go, and I was very depressed and my thyroid issues really manifested bigtime causing me to be very ill. Was working in a job that was extremely physically demanding, but couldn't afford to go out on medical leave- then all at once everything changed and I received the desires of my heart.

 

Please just trust and believe that all will work to your good, and I'm praying for strength for you bigtime ((((((hugs)))))

 

Sorry, am quite new to this forum - by 'D- Day' do you mean his divorce? Are you know together with him?

Thank you so much for your advice and good wishes. I know I have to keep strong and he either comes back to me because his feelings are true, or he doesn't which means they weren't , so either way I will be ok.

Just need to take it one day at a time as too hard to think too far ahead.

xx

[2sunny]

Gf- I would tell him to bite me. Stand your ground and stick with your moral compass. When you violate your own belief systems this can reak havoc with your self esteem and how you feel about you as a person.

 

Tell him you want action and not words...goes both ways IMO ...good luck (((((hugs)))))

 

She may get what she wants IF he ever takes action.

 

She would get a husband who cheats on his wife and tells the other women that she's boring and unaffectionate. He will say those things about you when you get married - count on it - he will also cheat...as you aren't his first.

 

He's so desperate hat he peruses "discreet cheating sites" - he's the kind of cheater that even looks for one night stands.

 

Why would you want a man like that?

 

And why continue trying to even communicate at all when he's completely abusive to you?

 

Start having higher standards for yourself - you DO deserve that! Think higher!

[beyond]

I do not believe even in the UK that infidelity has nothing to do with child custody.

 

For him to even use that as an excuse is disgusting. He has no desire to have you talk to his wife. He is once again stringing you along

 

If you continue to be his 'buddy' with texting and all, you are just continuing an emotional affair and not giving yourself time to get over him and move on. Unless you don't want to move on???

 

Thank you for your reply. Yes I do want to move on, not that easy though is it. I will be telling him that I can't continue any contact with him until his divorce happens if indeed it does.

[beyond]

She may get what she wants IF he ever takes action.

 

She would get a husband who cheats on his wife and tells the other women that she's boring and unaffectionate. He will say those things about you when you get married - count on it - he will also cheat...as you aren't his first.

 

He's so desperate hat he peruses "discreet cheating sites" - he's the kind of cheater that even looks for one night stands.

 

Why would you want a man like that?

 

And why continue trying to even communicate at all when he's completely abusive to you?

 

Start having higher standards for yourself - you DO deserve that! Think higher!

 

Thanks Sunny.

 

Why would I want a man like that? Well, that is something I'm asking myself more and more. He WAS a decent guy, or so I thought all those years ago - maybe I just didn't know him well enough. I've often thought that it is feasible that I could have got pregnant back than and he would have felt 'obliged' to marry me and I could be exactly where his wife is now. I don't like to think thats true, but why would I be any different?

 

Reading your words in the cold light of day, I feel sick. The optimism I have that it will all work out in the end isn't there today. I'm checking my phone every 2 minutes and nothing.

 

I don't want this anymore - its too time consuming and too gut wrenching.

 

I need to be strong, I need to be selfish.

[2sunny]

Thanks Sunny.

 

Why would I want a man like that? Well, that is something I'm asking myself more and more. He WAS a decent guy, or so I thought all those years ago - maybe I just didn't know him well enough. I've often thought that it is feasible that I could have got pregnant back than and he would have felt 'obliged' to marry me and I could be exactly where his wife is now. I don't like to think thats true, but why would I be any different?

 

Reading your words in the cold light of day, I feel sick. The optimism I have that it will all work out in the end isn't there today. I'm checking my phone every 2 minutes and nothing.

 

I don't want this anymore - its too time consuming and too gut wrenching.

 

I need to be strong, I need to be selfish.

 

Just honor yourself! Know that you deserve more than he's offered... Which is nothing but empty lies since he hasn't gotten divorced.

 

You want to waste 6 or 16 more years waiting? It happens!

 

Go on - get busy living! Stop waiting! If he was divorcing it would have happened by now. Besides - he's abusive!

[beyond]

Just honor yourself! Know that you deserve more than he's offered... Which is nothing but empty lies since he hasn't gotten divorced.

 

You want to waste 6 or 16 more years waiting? It happens!

 

Go on - get busy living! Stop waiting! If he was divorcing it would have happened by now. Besides - he's abusive!

 

My immediate reaction is to defend him - say that he has only just started on the journey of divorce . He separated last year (ie, moved out of the house) but went back after a short time (this was before I came back into his life).

But, I wont defend him anymore, I'm tired. I want more. I wanted it with him, but it seems thats not to be.

 

Far too much time has been wasted already. I can't even think how to word the goodbye to him.

Thank you for your honesty xx

[2sunny]

My immediate reaction is to defend him - say that he has only just started on the journey of divorce . He separated last year (ie, moved out of the house) but went back after a short time (this was before I came back into his life).

But, I wont defend him anymore, I'm tired. I want more. I wanted it with him, but it seems thats not to be.

 

Far too much time has been wasted already. I can't even think how to word the goodbye to him.

Thank you for your honesty xx

 

Simply type to Jim:

 

I've waited long enough and am not willing to waste MORE time on your empty promises - especially when you now show abusive tendencies.

 

Have a nice life.

[beyond]

Simply type to Jim:

 

I've waited long enough and am not willing to waste MORE time on your empty promises - especially when you now show abusive tendencies.

 

Have a nice life.

 

Have just ended it. Was going to write a heartfelt message saying how much I loved him but it wasn't to be etc. But he sent me a couple of texts today which got me so mad, I really let rip. I told him earlier that I felt in limbo waiting for him and he replied 'well don't wait for me, go and find someone to love'. Then when I questioned his love fo me he replied with the classic 'well if you loved me you would sleep with me'!!! I left it until now and have written him an email. Its the first time I've got really angry throughout all of this - I'm shaking with rage!

[beyond]

Have just ended it. Was going to write a heartfelt message saying how much I loved him but it wasn't to be etc. But he sent me a couple of texts today which got me so mad, I really let rip. I told him earlier that I felt in limbo waiting for him and he replied 'well don't wait for me, go and find someone to love'. Then when I questioned his love fo me he replied with the classic 'well if you loved me you would sleep with me'!!! I left it until now and have written him an email. Its the first time I've got really angry throughout all of this - I'm shaking with rage!

 

Oh, and he said we could be 'friends' as I didn't want to sleep with him. How dare he!!!!!!!!

[LadyLost]

Beyond. He actually said to you 'if you loved me you would sleep with me' ?

 

No wonder you are mad. Come join the NC club I cant say it's much fun and we are sadly lacking in such cheesy one liners, but hopefully one day soon we will start to believe there is so much more out there waiting for us!

[beyond]

Beyond. He actually said to you 'if you loved me you would sleep with me' ?

 

No wonder you are mad. Come join the NC club I cant say it's much fun and we are sadly lacking in such cheesy one liners, but hopefully one day soon we will start to believe there is so much more out there waiting for us!

 

Yep! If I wasn't so mad I might actually find it funny! Arhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

 

Thanks for the invite, think I'm going to need this club - especially as the anger wears off and the doubting starts.

 

I normally check every 5 mins to see if he's replied to any email, but I don't want to know right now. Going to read some posts here, cook a nice healthy post, have a long soak in a bath and go to bed early

 

xx

[beyond]

After being strong for all of a few days, I stupidly replied to a text he sent about being friends. Told him there was no way that would work and it was best we didn't contact each other again. Two days go by and I emailed him about something really silly that I could have sorted out another way, but was just feeling weak and missing him. He replied straight away and we talked on the phone about the issue, not about us, but he was polite, helpful etc. Then he text yesterday saying could he call me last night. I said yes thinking he may say something like he can't live without me, has left w etc (I know, I know!!!!!) he just gets jokey and flirty with me and then gets annoyed when I don't play along and says goodnight.

 

I feel so crap that I caved in. It was literally a second of madness in an otherwise strong day. It's so quick to text/email/call - I wish we still lived in the times of damn carrier pigeons!!!!

 

No doubt he now thinks we are 'friends' and he can drop me the odd text when he feels like it...arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

 

please anyone reading this - DONT break NC, it is never worth it.

[CH66209]

Wow, girl. I feel your pain. It's so hard to resist a moment of weakness when all those "what ifs" are going through your mind. For me, I just want answers, but I'm clinging to that "silence is painfully effective" philosophy and know that I'm too vulnerable for an A relapse if I cave. I hope it will get easier and I trust everyone here who says it will. We'll hang in there together. . Ch

[beyond]

Wow, girl. I feel your pain. It's so hard to resist a moment of weakness when all those "what ifs" are going through your mind. For me, I just want answers, but I'm clinging to that "silence is painfully effective" philosophy and know that I'm too vulnerable for an A relapse if I cave. I hope it will get easier and I trust everyone here who says it will. We'll hang in there together. . Ch

 

Thanks Ch.I don't think you will ever get all the answers, there is always somehing more to say, just one more 'what if'.

 

As bad as I felt doing NC, I would give anything to go back and not have broken it - would be nearly a week through by now. Got a feeling he will see a green flag now and send me the odd text/email, can't say I blame him, i told him I didnt want contact and then contact him!!!!

 

There should be NC bootcamp people could go to, where they take your phone at the door and lock you in a padded cell for 3 mths or however long it takes you to come to your senses!!!! I'd sign up

[CH66209]

Thanks Ch.I don't think you will ever get all the answers, there is always somehing more to say, just one more 'what if'.

 

As bad as I felt doing NC, I would give anything to go back and not have broken it - would be nearly a week through by now. Got a feeling he will see a green flag now and send me the odd text/email, can't say I blame him, i told him I didnt want contact and then contact him!!!!

 

There should be NC bootcamp people could go to, where they take your phone at the door and lock you in a padded cell for 3 mths or however long it takes you to come to your senses!!!! I'd sign up

 

Message me here anytime you feel the need to text him. I'll remind you what a mind-f*** he is.