second chance - gone

[beyond]

Arrrrh, less than 24 hrs since I wrote all that positive stuff and I'm having a bad day.

 

Woke up really missing him and wanting a text saying he was at least thinking about me. He quite often would text me first thing on a sunday morning to say something like that. I keep reminding myself that I wouldn't hear anything for most of the rest of the day because he was at home with his wife and children! But even that doesn't help at the moment.

 

I've tried to keep busy this morning - but half way through a very absorbing job of sorting out a cupboard and I burst into tears. I realise I've thought for 6 years that we would get back together and it would be wonderful - when we did re connect again, I couldn't help but hope it was all coming true.

 

Now, I feel stupid and used and empty and pathetic for believing his feelings were as strong as mine.

 

I'm re reading all the posts on this thread and hoping this feeling passes. I'm going to turn off my phone so I don't keep checking it or be taunted by the silence of it not ringing.

 

xx

[Patrice]

It's normal to have some bad days as you get over it. They guy was filling an emotional need for you. Do something positive for yourself today, get out of the house, exercise, eat well .. watch a good movie, and get your mind off it. He is where he wants to be, don't forget that. Stay NC and let the weasel live the life he has chosen to live. Hugs!!

[beyond]

It's normal to have some bad days as you get over it. They guy was filling an emotional need for you. Do something positive for yourself today, get out of the house, exercise, eat well .. watch a good movie, and get your mind off it. He is where he wants to be, don't forget that. Stay NC and let the weasel live the life he has chosen to live. Hugs!!

 

Thank you Patrice.

 

"He is where he wants to be" - very true. I know if he wanted me he would call or get in touch in someway. A few weeks ago we had a silly arguement, nothing much and I was only a little upset, but he couldn't stop ringing me, emailing me etc checking I was ok. Now, when he has told me it's over because of my 'stupid morals' I hear nothing and don't think I ever will.

 

One day at a time, hopefully will feel more positive soon.

 

xx

[Ms. Red]

Allow yourself to cry and go through the pain. In the beginning of something like this it's important to feel the pain. It helps you get through it to the other side IMO.

 

Later on if it continues, then you need to try to do things to get your mind off of it. But this soon in the beginning probably isn't possible.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting and I know the pain of losing someone you've known for years. It's a process you have to go through. Take it one day at a time.

 

[[[[HUGS]]]]

[beyond]

Allow yourself to cry and go through the pain. In the beginning of something like this it's important to feel the pain. It helps you get through it to the other side IMO.

 

Later on if it continues, then you need to try to do things to get your mind off of it. But this soon in the beginning probably isn't possible.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting and I know the pain of losing someone you've known for years. It's a process you have to go through. Take it one day at a time.

 

[[[[HUGS]]]]

 

Thank you Ms Red. You guys are so sweet to take the time to reply. I'm reading other threads and keep thinking I should offer something, but I feel so broken at the moment that not sure I would help much.

 

I feel because I've known him for years and had 6 years of trying to 'get over him' and pining for him, that I need to stop wasting anymore time. Doesn't work though does it! I'm also aware that I don't want to go into a depression like last time, although I think I'm aware of the signs now and don't feel anything like I did back then.

 

I will allow myself a little cry xx

[Patrice]

I subscribe to the 3 day rule .. 3 days to mourn the loss .. then it's time to start getting future oriented.

[beyond]

I subscribe to the 3 day rule .. 3 days to mourn the loss .. then it's time to start getting future oriented.

 

Well, by my past experience with him, I subscribed to the 6 year rule lol!

 

3 days since the email from him, but today is first really really down day, so will count this as day 1.

 

xx

[Patrice]

Just be kind to yourself .. the past is in the past. Don't be too self-critical ..

that will only make it worse. The worst part is, he will most likely try again.

That will mean some strength on your part.

[beyond]

Just be kind to yourself .. the past is in the past. Don't be too self-critical ..

that will only make it worse. The worst part is, he will most likely try again.

That will mean some strength on your part.

 

Yes, must stop getting down on myself and turning this all inward - have a tendency to do that and its not healthy.

 

I'm not sure he will try again, not now he knows sex is not on the menu. Thats what makes me sad/angry/disgusted, the fact that was what was all this was about to him.

 

However, I think I recall him saying a few weeks ago that he had some business near me in 2 weeks time, so if he were to get in contact, think that would be the most likely time. At the moment I hope he does, but know ultimately it would only lead to heartache again.

 

Thank you again Patrice

 

xx

[beyond]

Just want this pain in my heart to stop, this physical pain.

The irony is, we break up because I don't want to sleep with him while he is still married, he tells me how stubborn I am and how I've ruined it all with my stupid morals, but he doesn't realise that I would love nothing more than for us to make love. It was always so good and so intense between us, but that is because my emotions were in it, it wasn't just physical. Does he really think I have no feelings for him

Sorry, I know I'm going on, I just miss him and know I shouldn't.

 

xx

[Patrice]

Private message me.

[beyond]

Private message me.

 

How do I do that Patrice?

[OpenBook]

he tells me how stubborn I am and how I've ruined it all with my stupid morals

 

:eek: Why is my gut screaming out that you are actually dodging a bullet by pulling away from this guy? It could turn out to be the smartest move you've ever made.

[beyond]

:eek: Why is my gut screaming out that you are actually dodging a bullet by pulling away from this guy? It could turn out to be the smartest move you've ever made.

 

I feel that too OB in my rational moments. Hell, even in my irrational ones (like now) I know its not right that he doesn't respect my wishes, but it doesn't stop me missing him and wishing he'd have a change of heart.

[beyond]

Private message me.

 

I've added you to my contact list, but can't see an option to private message you anywhere

[Ms. Red]

For Private Messaging you have to have a total of 50 post and 30 days membership. You then have to enable them. So, on May 14th you can use them.

[beyond]

For Private Messaging you have to have a total of 50 post and 30 days membership. You then have to enable them. So, on May 14th you can use them.

 

Ah, ok - thank you for that Ms Red

[beyond]

I've woken up this morning after a bad's night sleep with an urge to somehow smooth it all over and make it 'ok' with ex. Along the lines of sending him an email to say, we agree to disagree as he can't understand why I'm not jumping into bed with him and I wish him well etc etc.

 

I won't send such an email, and luckily I'm pretty busy all week, so won't go over and over this, but why the hell do I have this urge to make him feel better?? Maybe it's in 'memory' of all these years, I hate it all to end on a sour note, his replyb to my last email was just very cold and emotionless - it breaks my heart to read it and think that is the last contact we will ever have.

 

I also realise (morbid thought) that, God forbid, if anything happened to him - I don't think I'd ever know.

[beyond]

Well, got an email from him with a very angry tone, asking why I hadn't answered his last email (which was just basically saying actions not words). I know I should have ignored it, but he caught me at a weak moment. I was so pleased to see I had an email from him (pathetic I know) but when I read it I was so angry!

 

I replied telling him exactly what I thought about his emotionally blackmail and that I wouldn't put be manipulated. He replied quite meekly surprisingly, and said he loved me (!) and didn't know how we could make it work and he was afraid I would find someone else if we had NC until he was single.

 

It went back and forth for a while between us and ended quite 'nicely' with him talking about an 'in' joke we have. Since then he has texts me most days - nothing heavy, just 'hi how has your day been?' kind of thing. I answer, but don't initiate any texting.

 

After 4 days of this I'm now wondering where I stand. Should I contact him and say 'nothing has changed I'm still not sleeping with you while your married' or just leave it and carry on replying if he texts? At the moment the later seems the easy option, but not sure if its not just prolonging the agony.

[woinlove]

Well, got an email from him with a very angry tone, asking why I hadn't answered his last email (which was just basically saying actions not words). I know I should have ignored it, but he caught me at a weak moment. I was so pleased to see I had an email from him (pathetic I know) but when I read it I was so angry!

 

I replied telling him exactly what I thought about his emotionally blackmail and that I wouldn't put be manipulated. He replied quite meekly surprisingly, and said he loved me (!) and didn't know how we could make it work and he was afraid I would find someone else if we had NC until he was single.

 

It went back and forth for a while between us and ended quite 'nicely' with him talking about an 'in' joke we have. Since then he has texts me most days - nothing heavy, just 'hi how has your day been?' kind of thing. I answer, but don't initiate any texting.

 

After 4 days of this I'm now wondering where I stand. Should I contact him and say 'nothing has changed I'm still not sleeping with you while your married' or just leave it and carry on replying if he texts? At the moment the later seems the easy option, but not sure if its not just prolonging the agony.

 

How has this kind of contact been working for you? Are you happy with it? I had the impression you wanted more, wanted to be with him. From his perspective, I think it sends a message that you are still on the hook, waiting, and that likely is reassuring to him. If he felt you weren't waiting, he would need to make a decision to either divorce and move on to being available to you as quickly as possible in order to try to be with you or recommit to his M or look for someone else to supplement his M. With you waiting, I think he can basically carry on as before.

 

The key question is what do you want and is this kind of contact making you happy so that you are happy with the life you are leading now or do you see it somehow moving you toward that life? I think probably not.

[Ms. Red]

Well, got an email from him with a very angry tone, asking why I hadn't answered his last email (which was just basically saying actions not words). I know I should have ignored it, but he caught me at a weak moment. I was so pleased to see I had an email from him (pathetic I know) but when I read it I was so angry!

 

I replied telling him exactly what I thought about his emotionally blackmail and that I wouldn't put be manipulated. He replied quite meekly surprisingly, and said he loved me (!) and didn't know how we could make it work and he was afraid I would find someone else if we had NC until he was single.

 

Good for you for standing up for yourself to him. That lets him know you won't take any bull from him.

 

It went back and forth for a while between us and ended quite 'nicely' with him talking about an 'in' joke we have. Since then he has texts me most days - nothing heavy, just 'hi how has your day been?' kind of thing. I answer, but don't initiate any texting.

 

After 4 days of this I'm now wondering where I stand. Should I contact him and say 'nothing has changed I'm still not sleeping with you while your married' or just leave it and carry on replying if he texts? At the moment the later seems the easy option, but not sure if its not just prolonging the agony.

 

You need to do what you will feel ok with when you look back on this. You said earlier that the emotional cheating was weighing on you. Can you look back if you two end up together and feel ok with having text messages with him when his wife isn't aware? These are questions to ask yourself about your morals and how you conduct yourself regarding them.

 

You have a lot to think about. Don't forget how crappy he made you feel when it seemed all he wanted was to get laid. You know him, we don't. Maybe that was just frustration at the slow pace things are moving. Separation and divorce take time with a lot of stress involved. Can he handle all that while trying to wooo you(if you allow it w/ a MM) and keep his cool?

[beyond]

How has this kind of contact been working for you? Are you happy with it? I had the impression you wanted more, wanted to be with him. From his perspective, I think it sends a message that you are still on the hook, waiting, and that likely is reassuring to him. If he felt you weren't waiting, he would need to make a decision to either divorce and move on to being available to you as quickly as possible in order to try to be with you or recommit to his M or look for someone else to supplement his M. With you waiting, I think he can basically carry on as before.

 

The key question is what do you want and is this kind of contact making you happy so that you are happy with the life you are leading now or do you see it somehow moving you toward that life? I think probably not.

 

I do want more. Although the way he has acted has shown me another side of him that I don't much like, but then I'm not blameless either.

 

I do want more but can't have it while he is married. I reasise that. So, do I let him go completely- ie, NC or keep responding to his texts etc? I really don't know and feel in some kind of limbo. It feels 'better' to be having some contact with him but I don't really know where I stand. In our recent back and forth exchanges he said he wasn't happy with the 'waiting' option and that it wasn't fair on anyone.

 

I don't know if he is just keeping me hanging on for some sort of emotional support or if he genuinely misses me as much as I do him

[beyond]

Good for you for standing up for yourself to him. That lets him know you won't take any bull from him.

 

 

 

You need to do what you will feel ok with when you look back on this. You said earlier that the emotional cheating was weighing on you. Can you look back if you two end up together and feel ok with having text messages with him when his wife isn't aware? These are questions to ask yourself about your morals and how you conduct yourself regarding them.

 

You have a lot to think about. Don't forget how crappy he made you feel when it seemed all he wanted was to get laid. You know him, we don't. Maybe that was just frustration at the slow pace things are moving. Separation and divorce take time with a lot of stress involved. Can he handle all that while trying to wooo you(if you allow it w/ a MM) and keep his cool?

 

That is such a good point Ms Red about feeling ok when I look back on this. I have NOT acted correctly in all this. I should have stuck to my guns and said 'no meeting while you are married' when we first got back in contact. I was curious though and hoped in some ways I would look at him and wonder what the hell I was pining for and finally let him go. Of course, that didn't happen.

 

I realise that being realistic about the situation, the best I can hope for is for him to say 'I respect your decision, I am working my way out of this marriage (which was happening before I came back into his life) and would love to meet up with you again when that happens.' I would miss him and contacting him, but it would feel 'right'.

 

When I have said the same thing to him - ie, when you are single I would love to meet up' he gets angry - but we are very opposite in that way anyway, he is very impatient and a throw caution to the wind person and I am overly cautious.

 

I'm glad I got the chance to really be angry with him. He certainly knows I'm no pushover in that way. He knows I won't sleep with him, but it's whether we carry on this texting and limited contact. If he suggests meeting up again, my answer will be no as we both find it so hard not to be physical when we see each other.

[beyond]

Arrrrhhh, I'm evading your question aren't I Ms Red? I know what is right to do - I should have no contact with him. I don't feel good about myself doing this to another person.

 

I guess now its whether to actually contact him and tell him or let the contact fizzle out

[Ms. Red]

You can always tell him you don't want to be the OW and ask him if you could confer with his wife about contact.