Which is worse?

[wannabdone]

This topic came up on another thread, and thought it might be worth talking about and exploring.

 

Although neither is "better" than the other, and it really is talking more or less about the lesser of two evils... but which would be "easier"... a WS who cheated multiple times with the same person? Or a WS that cheated multiple times with multiple ppl?

 

What are your thoughts?

[ShameLustandDesire]

Hello. Both would be hurtful, but would seem possible that the with one person scenerio would be potentially more harmful to a marriage than the scenerio of multiple partners which shows a lack of impulse control. A sex addict, possibly.

[Lostinlife4now]

Hi wannabdone!!!!!

 

I think the long term affair with the same person is very hurtful. The 8, 9, or 15 year affair takes the cake!:eek:

[PeineDeCoeur]

Frankly, I think they both display a lack of impulse control!

 

Right now I think if I had a partner that cheated once, I'd be inclined to work it out. Do it twice, with the same person or another, I wouldn't care, I'd be done.

 

The only thing - multiple partners = STDs, and that would strongly imply that this person does not give a sh*(* about my health. Although, now that I think about it, my xMM did say that he had dated some women that he was attracted to, but if they had an STD that was a dealbreaker. So... some are careful about it. I think he cared more about his health than that of his w.

[2sure]

Which is worse? Depends on which is happening to you.

[Artie Lang]

cheating is cheating, however many times or with who it's done with.

 

it's not so much the cheating, but the betrayal-- that's what hurts.

[skylarblue]

Given everything is even, I think it’d be “easier” if WS was with the same partner than multiple partners. The main reason is I’d be able to convince myself more “easily” that it was a “mistake” and something that “just happened” or he got caught up in and crossed the line and was sorry about. Multiple partners would make me think he was incapable of being faithful, and there was nothing I could do or within himself that would make him faithful. He needs to sleep with a variety of women, and I could never be more than the same, one woman. I mean, it would be hard enough to wrap my mind around one, but multiples, that would be too much. It’s kinda like “would you rather be killed by being shot or stabbed”. I wouldn’t want either, but at least the shot is instant, quick, painless, “better”.

[Gentlegirl2]

Neither one would be a barrel of laughs or delightful. don't think I would stay with either siuation.

 

Long term it would be sould destroying,

 

GG

[skylarblue]

Thinking only if I was BS in previous post, I thought about what if it was applying to xMM instead of WS. Which would I find “easier” or “better”- one OOW or multiples? Absolutely neither. There would be nothing to think about or compare. Neither would be acceptable and neither could be forgiven. xMM would fall into the category of “needing a variety of women” (I don’t think of him that way since I was his first and only A) and I wouldn’t want to be a part of his harem. I wouldn’t even get involved with a MM that I knew/thought cheated on his W before (yes, I know I shouldn’t get involved period).

[JamieA]

I think multiple would be worse. At least with just one it's probably being done for love. That would be easier to deal with.

[trinity1]

A serial WS is likely a sexual addict, which means you are dealing with an addiction. He may very well love you, the BS, as much as he is capable of. Therefore the long term EMR with one partner is worse in my eyes, because it means his primary love object is not me, the BS, any longer. It's the AP.

[findingnemo]

I agree with trinity. If my H had multiple partners, I'd think he just wanted a variety for sex (which was actually the case in my M). With one partner, I'd be more inclined to think it was love and I'd view the OW as a real threat to my M and family. The betrayal would be more than the physical act of sex for me if there was only one partner.

[ShameLustandDesire]

I agree with trinity. If my H had multiple partners, I'd think he just wanted a variety for sex (which was actually the case in my M). With one partner, I'd be more inclined to think it was love and I'd view the OW as a real threat to my M and family. The betrayal would be more than the physical act of sex for me if there was only one partner.

 

How did you heal your marriage, when your H had multiple partners. I was the OW to a serial cheater/sex addict. It was my first affair, I always firmly held strong beliefs against affairs, and while many may find this unbelievable, I still do hold onto those beliefs.

These men are stealth hunters, and will say they are separated, on the way to divorce, and pursuit you relentlessly, cunning, with a streetsmart sense. I understand the views of the BS and why they are so angry with the OW. I would like to express, that while I take full responsibility for my actions, I also feel victimized in a way. So shamed, I hope to take this to my grave, without discovery. I do hope to rediscover myself and why I would allow such a character in my life.

He has a secret life, a secret hidden hatred for women. He does not seem to be aware of the harm he is doing in all the persons involved in his life. He went in cycles of pursuit, then shame, abuse, then pursuit, making illogical excuses for his behavior.

His BS according to him knows he has done this before. I know she would put all blame on me. I hope he finds the breakthrough he needs, counselling, a step program, some help. I am in reconcillation with myself, trying to pick up the pieces of deep seeded shame, regret, and a feeling of death, as if I lost a piece of my soul.

[MissBee]

I can't say any would be easier. Both would mean that for a long time you have been lying to me and having another life behind my back and God he knows what else. Both are equally bad to me.

 

I could MAYBE find myself forgiving a short-term A or one night stand, this is dependent on what comes to light after, but years and years is what does it for me. Years and years whether it is has been 20 or 1 person just shows me that it wasn't a momentary lapse and blip but a deeply entrenched pattern that has persisted and that you have lied to me for years. Iy's your lying for years and years that's the problem to me....so whether you have lied for years with one woman or lied for years with 10 women....you have lied to me for years. Bottom line. However, I doubt I could be married to someone cheating for years and years and not have any clue.

 

But yea...for me, I am already hyper-intolerant of infidelity and can't even wrap my mind around forgiving it within a marriage so years and years and years of it just is a no-go for me, no matter who what or why. I would feel like the whole marriage was a lie and I don't know you. I wouldn't be able to work through that.

Edited April 15, 2012 by MissBee

[trinity1]

I can't say any would be easier. Both would mean that for a long time you have been lying to me and having another life behind my back and God he knows what else. Both are equally bad to me.

 

I could MAYBE find myself forgiving a short-term A or one night stand, this is dependent on what comes to light after, but years and years is what does it for me. Years and years whether it is has been 20 or 1 person just shows me that it wasn't a momentary lapse and blip but a deeply entrenched pattern that has persisted and that you have lied to me for years. Iy's your lying for years and years that's the problem to me....so whether you have lied for years with one woman or lied for years with 10 women....you have lied to me for years. Bottom line. However, I doubt I could be married to someone cheating for years and years and not have any clue.

 

But yea...for me, I am already hyper-intolerant of infidelity and can't even wrap my mind around forgiving it within a marriage so years and years and years of it just is a no-go for me, no matter who what or why. I would feel like the whole marriage was a lie and I don't know you. I wouldn't be able to work through that.

 

Hmm, I wasn't thinking of that possibility, that you were with a serial cheater and only found out after years and years of cheating. In my case there were continuous Ddays.

 

I can see how it would be a greater shock if you thought your spouse was faithful and loyal all along. Although serial cheaters usually have intimacy issues as well, at least that would show I would think.

[donnamaybe]

I was wondering about a long term A, like many years, where the MP refuses to leave their spouse, yet was successful at keeping their ever hopeful AP hanging on and on. Would that be worse if the MP was the kind of person who is THAT good at manipulating their AP into waiting forever for, well, nothing?

[wannabdone]

I was wondering about a long term A, like many years, where the MP refuses to leave their spouse, yet was successful at keeping their ever hopeful AP hanging on and on. Would that be worse if the MP was the kind of person who is THAT good at manipulating their AP into waiting forever for, well, nothing?

 

Interesting point. That is basically what happened with my xMM. But he was so good at convincing, he convinced her I was a crazy stalker lady that wouldn't let him go. LMAO. rrrriiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhttttttttt.

[findingnemo]

How did you heal your marriage, when your H had multiple partners. I was the OW to a serial cheater/sex addict. It was my first affair, I always firmly held strong beliefs against affairs, and while many may find this unbelievable, I still do hold onto those beliefs.

These men are stealth hunters, and will say they are separated, on the way to divorce, and pursuit you relentlessly, cunning, with a streetsmart sense. I understand the views of the BS and why they are so angry with the OW. I would like to express, that while I take full responsibility for my actions, I also feel victimized in a way. So shamed, I hope to take this to my grave, without discovery. I do hope to rediscover myself and why I would allow such a character in my life.

He has a secret life, a secret hidden hatred for women. He does not seem to be aware of the harm he is doing in all the persons involved in his life. He went in cycles of pursuit, then shame, abuse, then pursuit, making illogical excuses for his behavior.

His BS according to him knows he has done this before. I know she would put all blame on me. I hope he finds the breakthrough he needs, counselling, a step program, some help. I am in reconcillation with myself, trying to pick up the pieces of deep seeded shame, regret, and a feeling of death, as if I lost a piece of my soul.

 

I didn't heal my M. I chose to stay and fight for my family. I didn't blame the OWs either except for the ones (2) who took it upon themselves to ensure my M ended by calling and insulting me. The Ddays were a result of being "informed" by the OWs of the situation. Lord knows what he was telling them. Whatever it was had no basis in reality because he wasn't going anywhere.

 

To me the problem was my H. First of all he chose to cheat. Then the women he chose to cheat with were disrespectful to me and therefore to my family. They didn't seem crazy...just "sure" of their positions somehow. I never got to the bottom of how the As started. I could care less. I just wanted them over. The OWs in question have since moved on. One of them was actually a nice girl and she's now M. I met her at a party yesterday and said "Hi". No bad feelings. Maybe it's because I'm separated now...who knows. I just know that in the As, my H was 1000% responsible for everything including the behaviour of the OWs. He targeted them for sex. He told them things that led them to believe "I" was a big problem. He convinced them that I was the big bad wolf and made them attempt to come to his rescue.

 

Because he is a narcissist, I would believe anyone who told me my H lied to them. Heck, he lied to me about almost everything for years and he was brilliant at it. What I think led him to have As was his belief that he is a "super" human being. He loved me but his version of love isn't the normal one most people believe in. The As were really just another symptom of my terrible M.

[seren]

Betrayal, no matter how it is dressed up and no matter to whom it is being done, hurts, if there was a word that seems insignificant to describe the awfulness of it, then hurt is that word. It is simply devastating. So any A hurts, BUT, for me, a longer term A at least may have feelings at it's root, I get feelings, I get love and I get the WS trying to replace the intimacy (not sex, v. important) they feel they have lost in their marriage with another. How long is long term? if it goes on year on year, with regular meetings and a sense of normality given to the A, then I would not forgive that, even though I might rationally understand.

 

Multiple partners, no, I would be out of the door as soon as I found out. I would associate that as someone who had no boundaries left, I would find it easier to forgive love than just sex. H's A was for an escape from himself, he denies feelings for the OW, of course I am not THAT naive.

I forgave once, I would not forgive again and I wouldn't have forgiven multiple OW.

[melenkurion]

For me, my ex did both to me.

 

There was a drunken one night stand with a guy he picked up on the net while I was visiting my folks.

 

Years later, there was also a six month affair with one of our close friends.

 

The one night stand I got over very quickly. In hindsight, too quickly. I was very, very hurt but it passed. I didn't think of it at all after a few months.

 

The affair, well... That devastated me. It's 18 months later now, and I'd say I have more or less managed to put it behind me. We are no longer together, the relationship ended the day I found out.

 

The affair with a friend hurt much, much more than the drunken one night stand.

[2sure]

Mine was a serial cheater. And yes, sure he had a problem , an addiction. So some might think that is ...explicable or maybe more forgivable than a long love affair with one woman.

 

Not me. They each throw you & your love under the bus with each night out. They each rob you & violate you every time they look you in the eye and lie.

 

All the same.

[findingnemo]

LadyGrey and I keep telling you I'm no letting him off the hook:) I wouldn't be thinking of divorcing him then would I? Here is not the place to berrate him.

 

I disagree: there's a huge difference between trawling for a** and being sucked in. He's an idiot, a slimy idiot but still.

 

I am so disappointed that the "he's cheating not me" line is so strong here. Women's emancipation means women can be just as horrible as men.

 

Well we ain't that emancipated yet in my country so... but you're right that women can be as horrible as men. The question here I guess is who was more horrible to you? The OW or your H?